To tell or keep quiet?

sodapop

Surely better to be upset for a relatively short time than to continue to be excluded from friendship groups etc Taichinan

I agree. It is more respectful and also kinder to be specific and direct in an assertive and kind way than to either drop hints which may or may not be heard, or drop the person which is not kind OR assertive! It just leaves the person confused and hurting!!

Surely better to be upset for a relatively short time than to continue to be excluded from friendship groups etc Taichinan

Sorry, I haven't managed to read all the posts so please forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said
Two things come to mind. Is she deaf?I'm sometimes guilty of speaking too much - if I introduce a subject then at least I have a clue as to what others are saying! So that may be why you get on in a one-to-one situation but she becomes over-talkative in a crowd.
The second thing is that she might spend a lot of time alone and this conversation-hogging is a sort of letting it all out in one go.
Lastly, she might be so desperate to be liked and accepted that she overdoes things in an attempt to seem fun and likeable.
I don't think you can say anything to her though - she would be mortified.

My mother was a very popular lady with everyone and I think the reason was that she was interested in all the families and asked about the children . I make a point of asking a few questions when someone mentions a holiday that their DD or DS is going on which show you are interested in their life . How can you drop hints to this lady ? Goodness knows ,my DH went to speak to a friend in a group they were both in to ask if he would drive there himself as he never wanted to go for a coffee afterwards with the crowd so anyone with him had to go hoem too . There was harsh words said and he never spoke to us again .

buffyfly9

I rather like Madgran77's solution to this difficult problem. I think it is kind, thoughtful and gentle.

Thankyou. I have used this strategy in a number of similar type scenarios. It works when done assertively and kindly!

V3ra

Crossed posts Madgran77!

No worries

Thanks all. I must say she makes me hyper aware of not talking too much myself. I run groups so am used to drawing in quieter people. That's a more artificial setting of course.

sodapop

Maybe in the long run it would be kinder to explain to the lady why people are avoiding her. That way at least she has the chance to change.

Yes, but people like that don’t listen! They are just waiting for you to shut up so they can start talking again!

Dd tried to tell her friend that the reason no bloke ever lasted beyond the first date was because she just never stopped talking. If it ever even went in one ear, it immediately came out of the other.
She’s still single years later.

mumofmadboys

Could you refer to that saying- "well you know why we have two ears and one mouth! We should listen to others twice as much as we speak!'

I did say that to DH today, apparently his mother used to say that to him too.

Maybe in the long run it would be kinder to explain to the lady why people are avoiding her. That way at least she has the chance to change.

Could you refer to that saying- "well you know why we have two ears and one mouth! We should listen to others twice as much as we speak!'

Could whoever just say with a laugh..... Hang on I'm speaking.
Or..... X give the rest of us a chance to speak.
Be up front about it as nicely as possible.

The main reason I stopped going to a retired teachers group - was a woman just like this. I think she was nervous and that's why she never paused for a second.

When she cornered me, I could see the sympathetic looks on the faces of the others. That phrase 'verbal diarrhoea' had new meaning for me.

I have a friend like that. She interrupts you to tell her opinion and keeps on going. Not self aware at all! I'm very fond of her so I put up with it and don't see her that often.

I rather like Madgran77's solution to this difficult problem. I think it is kind, thoughtful and gentle.

My nextdoor neighbour is like that. It doesn't matter where she is she knows all , tells all as a lecture and asks endless questions without giving you a chance to reply.
I am afraid I give her a wide birth and never ask her round for coffee with others.
I have been in her company when others have tried to tell her and she just talks over them.
I just give her a wide birth.

We had a friend in our group who was the self-appointed expert on everything.
Out for a walk one day and she commented that I was quiet.
I replied, "Well it's a bit hard to get a word in!" 🤣

Well this happened to me a few years agowhen one of my student friends got "involved" with a pregnant older woman. The woman butted in to a meal (to which she had not been invited) and then began to dominate the conversation talking endlessly about her pregnancy. Several times there were attempts by myself and others to turn the conversation to other topics but to no avail. Eventually I lost patience with her. I pointed out that she had not been invited and was boring everyone to death. One of the house mates then chipped in to say that "I think Biglouis has been a bit harsh but I agree in principle with what she says." And then suggested she leave.

The student friend had been overwhelmed by this woman and being the people pleaser type had not set up any boundaries. I had advised her that the best way to distance herself from this emotional vampire was to go and visit her family for a couple of weeks (her mother was unwell). We (myself and the housemates) facilitated this by witholding any info on her whereabouts from the pushy woman. She went into hospital to have her baby while student friend was away and we never heard from her again. Presumably she got her claws into someone else.

If you think we were cruel she (pushy woman) had a social worker to help her and my student friend had been completely overwhelmed by her presence. She was in the final year of her degree and on course for a good 2/1 which I did not want her to miss out on.

My cousin is exactly like this. She never listens to anyone and just drones on and on about herself and her family. I am a very good listener and hardly ever talk about myself so I just put up with it. It’s amazing just how many people are like this. I don’t really know what the answer is except to limit contact and just see your friend occasionally.

I was once that person to some degree! It was when I first left home and was living alone. One of my workmates mentioned something about me living alone. I asked her how she knew. Evidently when I got to work I talked.... and talked. She was not at all nasty and I took the hint and reined myself in. I also got a new flat with a flatmate.

am reminded of a much older friend of mine.
knew her when i was about 20.
sometimes in her house she would launch into a kind of stream of consciousness narration.
i was trying to be polite and follow, make appropriate noises.
but i found it puzzling.
she would speak of events long before i was born, re people i'd never met, and seemingly not close ones to her.
i was always waiting for the significance to be revealed.
but there wasn't any. hence puzzling to me.
why think about it, talk about it ? why bother ?
i never said this of course.
eg, glancing out the window, back garden, a person who used to live over there, before the war, had one child, who married somebody who worked somewhere, whose boss drove a rover, and had a cousin who came from dorset . . .
it was like a mental maze.
and i was lost.
i hadn't known her for more than a couple of years before i noticed this.
so i don't know if she'd always done it.
it must have been well over 10 years later when she showed signs of dementia.
i wonder now if that was a lead-in; a kind of unravelling, as if every thing she'd known must be spoken, however random.
i don't know.
but people with dementia often seem to become obsessed with strange things, eg, with a person who passes by.
and a whole confabulation ensues.
isn't the mind strange, and complex, sense of identity, continuity.
sorry, rambling.

nanna8

I’d say she is very lonely and doesn’t meet enough people to chat to. I think as time goes on she will probably improve and pull back a bit. You are lovely for offering her time and friendship, good for you !

I had to stop meeting with my close friends cousin for this reason.
She’s certainly not lonely. Has a boyfriend, goes out every day, dancing on Saturday night.
She just likes the sound of her own voice.

Reading these very reasonable responses makes me realise that I need to self monitor or I could become the person everyone avoids! It is so easy to lose the skill of being part of a conversation rather than a monologue.

yes, probably you have to be more direct and plain speaking.
in a matter of fact way, without embarrassment, so she is less likely to feel hurt or embarrassed.
as if you are conducting a staff appraisal meeting, identify areas to be addressed and offer means to improvement.
also with a group, conduct it as if a business meeting, with you going round the table to hear what each one has to say.
if she butts in, say hold on cynthia, we're going round the table clockwise.
and repeat as necessary.

I have a lovely friend,she is in her 80s,like me she lives alone,the floodgates open when we meet and I get that talked at feeling,I choose our meetings very carefully,coffee shop or lunch,I get that trapped feeling if she visits me at home,it is something to avoid if humanly possible.