To tell or keep quiet?

My Mum, bless her, could be like that. When she came to visit me, it would be like a tsunami for the first hour even though she would be staying with me all week and could take her time. I think it came from living alone.

It's not up to you to solve this person's problems with other people, and not fair to inflict her on your other friends. Just see her by yourself on a one-to-one basis. You are being a friend and it's up to her to make more friends herself.

Is she lonely? It may be her chance to chatter or could be a nervous reaction.
Is she like this with you when you are on your own or does she give you a chance to join in.
It’s a shame as she must want friends and as to saying anything to her ...choose your words carefully.
We have a woman in our walking group who is really hard work so we sort of share her out because we know she is lonely without family or friends.
However walking is not the same as sitting at a table with nowhere to go. Tough one.

I don't know what the answer is. People like that seem to be attracted to me as I am quiet. I guess they don't like silence. I can think of at least 4 people I know who never stop talking and I don't like spending too much time with them as they exhaust me. I don't know how they can talk so much. I couldn't do it. I don't think it would have much effect if you said anything. Best to avoid her.

Could it be she has ADHD? Or bipolar? She probably needs a quiet word in her ear. Not easy I know but that’s what I would do.

I’d say she is very lonely and doesn’t meet enough people to chat to. I think as time goes on she will probably improve and pull back a bit. You are lovely for offering her time and friendship, good for you !

Thanks all. It is hard. She actually meets lots of people and is a great 'joiner' but laments that people she meets at these clubs and events don't seem to want to know her. I agree that maybe she tries too hard in groups probably out of nerves but even bearing this in mind I'm finding myself avoiding her. Och!

I knew someone who was on the autistic spectrum and she was absolutely exhausting... I don't think that telling her would have made any difference as she never really showed any interest in anyone else or noted galzed expressions..

A dd had (still has!) a friend like that. Highly educated professional. Dd has tried to tell her but she just doesn’t listen/hear.

Perhaps at an opportune moment you could gently mention that people like someone who is willing to listen to their problems, a listening ear will always attract people.

This lady is definitely not on the autism spectrum neither does she have ADHD. (I have reason to know this.) She's just an extremely talkative personality. I wonder if I suggested that she self monitor a bit she might see a difference in people's attitudes to her. It's a risk though. She might never speak to me again. Alternatively, she might think about it. I still just don't know

this may be a silly idea, but while chatting about bringing up children/GC you could mention the concept of taking turns, ? maybe.
how it is an important life skill and how your C/GC have grasped this concept as they developed.
could be in context of school/nursery also.
and ask her about how she got them to consider others, if she has had any dealings with young children.

Would you mind very much if she didn’t speak to you again?

Aveline

This lady is definitely not on the autism spectrum neither does she have ADHD. (I have reason to know this.) She's just an extremely talkative personality. I wonder if I suggested that she self monitor a bit she might see a difference in people's attitudes to her. It's a risk though. She might never speak to me again. Alternatively, she might think about it. I still just don't know

You can but try, at the end of the day if she chooses not to speak to you again it will be her loss not yours. You will still have your friends. But I Would sort of ease into telling her by saying about something someone has mentioned on one of your outings and see if she picked up on it, if she says I didn't hear that you could gently say that perhaps try listening sometimes instead of chattering away.

Is she partially deaf? We have a friend who talks on and on and doesn't listen, especially on the phone.
My MIL used to do this too. She'd sit next to my Mum when they were both staying to 'keep her company' and if I popped in from the kitchen to see if they were ok, my Mum would have a desperate kind of smile on her face.

Sometimes it's permissible to interrupt and start talking yourself!! Would she take a hint if everyone did that?

Last time I actually did cut in and ask one of the others about what she was up to. The poor soul started to tell us but got interrupted again and my newer friend just got going on this whole new topic!
I might try to remark, casually, how important it is not to hog conversations. I'll say it's something that someone else I know tends to do. Subtle? Might work.

🤞

I would tell her gently when a good moment came up.
And make sure she did hear and properly understand. All still gentle.
Then you have told her. And up to her what she does with the information.

You are being very kind but perhaps she needs to realise why no-one wants her company, at least not more than once!

Think I would fabricate a meeting with pretend friends and explain why I was giving it a miss because one person always hogged the conversation and then elaborate before moving into how she dealt with that scenario. Hopefully you may sow some seed. I wouldn't give up on her because she's undoubtedly lonely. Good luck.

Last time I actually did cut in and ask one of the others about what she was up to. The poor soul started to tell us but got interrupted again and my newer friend just got going on this whole new topic!

I dont think this person will understand, hear or take on board any type of indirect subtle hints or comments!

I think the key here is that it is the immediate response to her behaviour when she does it, that needs to change. So in the above scenario and for clarity, calling the over chatty woman "A" and the woman you asked about what she had been up to"B"...

" Sorry to interrupt "A" but I asked "B" what she has been up to and I would really like to hear her reply. Could you wait please.!"

If appropriate a hand on her arm as you speak and look directly at her with a gentle smile and calm voice.

If she then apologises or allows "B" to continue then fine . .though I suspect she will need more of the hand on arm and gentle reminders whilst "B" is speaking.

If she gets bhuffy etc say "I seem to have upset you "A" which was not my intention. I really do want to hear what "B" has to say, so let's discuss later if you'd like to!"

And so on really.

It is her choice whether she accepts the point or gets in a huff or whatever. But what it gives you is the perfect scenario to discuss when you meet with her alone re what happened etc and why this causes problems and people don't want to spend time with her. The fact that you have dealt with it above within a specific incident makes it easier for you to refer to how her behaviour made you feel and that it will do the same to others

If she can't accept all this then her loss in the end. Good luck

She actually meets lots of people and is a great 'joiner' but laments that people she meets at these clubs and events don't seem to want to know her.

She's noticed and spoken to you herself about this issue, so it obviously bothers her.

I think a staight-talking heart-to-heart conversation just between the two of you is in order.
I don't think she'll pick up on vague hints.

Tell her that other people get fed up when she monopolises the conversation and that's why they're reluctant to see her again.
Say that you've been giving her problem some consideration and have some observations and ideas to help her.
If she's agreeable you could suggest that next time you're both in company, you sit next to her and put your hand on her arm as a signal that she needs to calm down and let others speak.
Remind her that we have two ears and one mouth, for a reason!
Say that you're happy to help her learn these important social skills but she needs to make some changes.

I'd also suggest talking to your other friends and telling them what you're putting in place to help everyone feel more comfortable. Hopefully they'll give this lady another chance.

Crossed posts Madgran77!

I have a lovely friend,she is in her 80s,like me she lives alone,the floodgates open when we meet and I get that talked at feeling,I choose our meetings very carefully,coffee shop or lunch,I get that trapped feeling if she visits me at home,it is something to avoid if humanly possible.

yes, probably you have to be more direct and plain speaking.
in a matter of fact way, without embarrassment, so she is less likely to feel hurt or embarrassed.
as if you are conducting a staff appraisal meeting, identify areas to be addressed and offer means to improvement.
also with a group, conduct it as if a business meeting, with you going round the table to hear what each one has to say.
if she butts in, say hold on cynthia, we're going round the table clockwise.
and repeat as necessary.