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Funerals and number of Attendees

(120 Posts)
Judy54 Sat 02-Sep-23 15:03:49

I went to a funeral recently attended by well over a hundred people. It got me thinking about my own funeral. I have little immediate family left and a few close friends so it would be a small and low key affair. Do you ever think about your own funeral and who would attend or is it something you prefer not to consider right now?

Grammaretto Mon 04-Sep-23 17:13:43

Mads sorry to hear you are so recently bereaved and hope that what follows is some comfort to you.

I find it interesting that there are such divergent views on here .

We probably should have given more thought to it before DH died but he didn't want to discuss death at all so we didn't. Anyway if we had planned for it and weren't able to have what we had planned that would have been disappointing.
So covid came along and when he died it was all facemasks and no get togethers.
We had an illegal wake for the immediate family and one close friend back at the house with an Indian takeaway and plenty of nice drinks.
The weather had been atrocious with thunder snow the night before the funeral. The following day our DS flew home to NZ where he had to quarantine for a fortnight in a hotel.

When his own father died a couple of weeks later, another very small funeral with no gathering. So sad.

When his mother died in May we were able to have a "proper" funeral at last and burial with a really lovely gathering back at the house and garden.
We made dishes and cakes from her own recipes and arranged flowers from her own garden with her gt grandchildren helping. It was a special time.

NotSpaghetti Mon 04-Sep-23 17:14:49

Marg75 - are you against a small scattering with your husband and the rest elsewhere?

Maybe he would be happy with that?
Or maybe choose a tiny box that could have some of your remains in to bury with him?

I think you'll have around 7lbs to scatter - maybe an ounce or so will not be missed?

rugbymumcumbria Mon 04-Sep-23 18:01:04

It’s very important to me to attend funerals of friends and relatives, it is such a good way to reconnect with each other and celebrate all that we loved about the deceased. A very dear aunt and uncle died two years ago and my cousin didn’t have a funeral for either of them. I am still sad that I didn’t get the opportunity to give them a good send off, meet others from their lives and have the family all together again.

Ikiesgranma Mon 04-Sep-23 18:28:14

I am 63 and have terminal cancer. I’m being treated with-palliative chemo. I will have a non religious cremation and hopefully someone will say a few words. I will discuss with the family what their wishes are for after the cremation. I know which music I want and I want a wicker casket.

Greyduster Mon 04-Sep-23 18:41:38

DH and I joked that when either of us died, there would be just he, or I, and next door’s dog at the funeral. We have family, but not many surviving friends and they do not live locally. Sadly, he died last year, and I was heartened at how many people attended his funeral, some travelling good distances. Now, when I go, it WILL only be next door’s dog!

Huia Mon 04-Sep-23 19:34:36

We have both planned a natural burial. It will be in the cemetery area that is kept for natural burials and we will have a biodegradable coffin, no embalming etc. just all natural with a NZ native tree planted on top. We have children but we have no other relatives here and no close friends since moving to a new area 10 years ago. We have said any funeral will be up to the children as we will not be there and the funeral is really for the living. It’s been really interesting reading all your plans as it’s not something people talk about.

Marg75 Mon 04-Sep-23 21:24:17

NotSpaghetti, I think you may have given me the solution, I think I will do that. If he goes first he will be buried as he wishes (I hate the thought of being buried with a tombstone above), and when I go, some of my ashes can be put there as well, the rest scattered. Thank you for that!

Treetops05 Mon 04-Sep-23 21:25:30

My birth family is always buried, but my marriage family - who I love dearly, have cremations - so I guess I will too x My FinL has a Will which states Direct, unattended cremation with no form of Remembrance service. So that's what we'll do, even though I find it incredibly painful to think about. Hopefully we will go out for his favourite 'posh' afternoon tea, overlooking the sea after scattering his ashes...

NotSpaghetti Mon 04-Sep-23 22:13:19

Marg75 I'm glad you feel this might be a solution.

I suppose if you die first, maybe you could ask him to keep a small box of "you" to bury with him, and ask him to scatter the rest?

He might find that acceptable...

Mallin Mon 04-Sep-23 23:37:54

Decided long ago that funeral’s were a waste of time and money. You’re dead so as long as your remains are disposed of with dignity then why make a song and dance about your departure from life?
I’ve paid for my remains to be taken to a private crematorium and ashes left in their garden of remembrance.
Just a Pure cremation. Paid for in full and forgotten about as I like living!

grannyro Tue 05-Sep-23 10:02:56

I would rather have a party/memorial than a funeral. I am not religious and would prefer people to be more relaxed and enjoy themselves as they (hopefully) said nice things about me!

mabon1 Tue 05-Sep-23 11:10:06

I only want my family present.

0ddOne Tue 05-Sep-23 21:53:40

I have a very small family, just my 2 children, 3 young GC, and my partner. I'm estranged from my brother and his family. I have maybe 3 friends (I'm not a people person, much preferring my own company). I'm not at all religious. So I'm happy to have a quick cremation, no service, and then burial in the family plot, if there's still room by then, or scattered on the sea shore if not. I don't want a wake or for anyone to be sad, so I'll leave money for the family to go for a meal and have a glass or two in my honour. My ex-h wants even less!

Mohutch Wed 06-Sep-23 08:51:17

You don’t have to have a Christian funeral service if you are not a Christian.My mother was an agnostic and we found a lovely secular celebrant .The actual funeral service was small as one of my sons and family were away, and her burial at a woodland burial site.The same celebrant conducted a memorial service for her a month later and about 40 friends and relatives came. We sat in a big circle and everyone had a chance to say what they remembered about her.I wrote a eulogy which the celebrant read.We sang her favourites songs, my son sang a song he had written on his guitar.We all felt it was very therapeutic, and it was a fitting tribute and send-off

Liz08 Sat 09-Sep-23 11:28:59

A no fuss funeral for me too. They can put my ashes in the appropriate wheely bin for all I care and have a slap up meal with lots of wine and funny stories.
I know someone who has been the keeper of two family member's ashes for the last 3 years as none of the family can work out the logistics or agree where to scatter them! Now they've been joined in the bottom of the wardrobe by the cat's ashes! He has the poshest box of them all grin

Theexwife Sat 09-Sep-23 11:51:05

I want a direct cremation and shall arrange that for anyone else when I have to arrange their funeral.

notoveryet Sat 09-Sep-23 15:26:37

My dh had direct cremation, we were told the time and assure all respect would still be paid. To quote the funeral director "he won't be bustled in the back door" I chose a piece of music to be played as he went in. As we knew the exact time my very close family and the dogs went to the woods he loved. A couple of weeks later we had a memorial day for him with family, friends, neighbours and many dogs. Very early one morning while nightingales were singing I scattered his ashes, just me and the dogs. To us it was all done as he wished and had a beauty of its own

Gundy Sat 09-Sep-23 17:46:26

My father was buried, but my parents had side-by-side plots at the cemetery. When my mother died she wanted to be cremated, then we buried her urn in her plot next to dad.

maddyone Sun 10-Sep-23 14:14:51

Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living. It is a chance for friends and family to come together and to mourn or celebrate, whatever their wish. I will not tell my family what to do beyond I would prefer cremation, because the funeral is for them. I would hope they will incorporate some aspect of my religion into it though.