Daughter just uses me

crazyH

Misty - they are all the same - daughters I mean and children in general……Take their Mothers for granted. You’re not alone

My daughter and son in law have never taken me for granted.

VioletSky

When we approach issues like they are a shared problem, rather than a conflict, that often gives the opportunity to improve the relationship for the future... Good communication is something many lack, especially those leading with their feelings first because, until the problem is known for what it is, those feelings may not be justified.

Or as my lovely nan used to put it "it should be you and them versus the problem, not you and them versus each other"

You had a wise Nan VS! My mum actually used to say similar to me and she was pretty wise too! 🙂

Unfortunately I think this seems to be a 'modern' fault. My adult daughter only remembers where I live when she wants something!! - usually money, or for me to pay for something 'and I will pay you back'!! Needless to say that never happens! I try to say 'no' but there are only 3 of us - me, adult daughter and granddaughter, so give in!!

I suggest you just say to your daughter, I really miss spending time with ????? and ask if you can pick her up once a week and give her dinner and drop her home after, or suggest you visit your DD and DGD once a week for a couple of hours after school. Not worth making your DD feel bad or getting into a row.

Recognise that feeling . Has happened to us a couple of times now . We were used for the early stages but then the connection was not followed up once DGC started school . Don't have a suggestion.thats better than PPs but just wanted to empathise . Try to explain to your DD how you feel .

When we approach issues like they are a shared problem, rather than a conflict, that often gives the opportunity to improve the relationship for the future... Good communication is something many lack, especially those leading with their feelings first because, until the problem is known for what it is, those feelings may not be justified.

Or as my lovely nan used to put it "it should be you and them versus the problem, not you and them versus each other"

Avoid conflict by really listening to your daughter's reasons for not having the courtesy to inform you that your (presumably free ) services were no longer required. Really?

Just simply very bad manners, with no thought given to the fact that you had prepared for the day, were left in limbo waiting and wondering, having to find out what had happened, and finally no apology for 'forgetting' to inform you your services were no longer required.

Should you inform your daughter how you feel you may well be punished by being estranged and not being allowed to see your granddaughter. I sympathise with your entirely justified hurt feelings, but in the present climate where adult children feel it is acceptable to revile their mothers repeatedly you will have to consider carefully how you proceed.

It is unfair to say daughter uses you

This arrangement worked well for you for a long time as you had access to your gc and spent time with her

It was rude of your daughter.
No excuses.

I think that it is appallingly rude to not consult you after 3 years of care but I agree with Violetsky that there is a way forward that could avoid conflict and even bring you closer to your daughter...

VioletSky

You have 2 choices I think...

1. Vent here, read the angry replies, get worked up until either you have an argument with your daughter or being around each other becomes very uncomfortable because of the big elephant sat between you taking up space...

2. You sit down with her, tell her how you feel and gently ask her why she didn't communicate this to you. Then really listen to the answer and use it as an opportunity to improve your communication and relationship in future...

I agree VS.

I think that the venting and hearing others feelings on the matter probably helps as well initially to get rid of the anger and hurt enough to do as you describe above ...which is clearly the best way to try and improve the situation.

Misty - they are all the same - daughters I mean and children in general……Take their Mothers for granted. You’re not alone

I too would be hurt as it’s ungrateful and rude not talk to you about it. However, it’s no use holding a grudge I would very carefully ask her why she didn’t think to tell you as you miss your grandchild very much, listen to what she says and hopefully move on.

Well put VS.

You have 2 choices I think...

1. Vent here, read the angry replies, get worked up until either you have an argument with your daughter or being around each other becomes very uncomfortable because of the big elephant sat between you taking up space...

2. You sit down with her, tell her how you feel and gently ask her why she didn't communicate this to you. Then really listen to the answer and use it as an opportunity to improve your communication and relationship in future...

I dropped a day at work years ago to look after my grandson this went ok and was surprised when my son said his wife had given up work so I wasn’t needed anymore. I never said anything but I was very hurt.

You feel used and I understand that. Give it time then bring the subject up when you are on your own together and say you would appreciate notification of changes in arrangements in future.
I don't agree that they are too busy either but that's our generation, you just have to look at how they treat friends and you see how different to ours their thinking is.

If course parents are busy but that is no excuse for using GPs to their own advantage. I get very cross when I read post on GN from people who persist on defending young parents! It's not their fault, they are busy working parents , don't expect gratitude just be grateful they allow you access to your GC !!!!😡😡😡😡
We are doing our AC a favour - it is not the other way round! If my AC children took me for granted and though I should grateful for spending time with my GC or never thanked me, I would tell them in no uncertain terms what I thought. GP are not there to be walked on , we are there to love and cherish our precious GC , but not be expected to be grateful!!! For goodness sake!! AC should be respectful and thoroughly appreciative of all the unpaid care , love and devotion we administer. Tired of GP cow towing to their AC.

Misty007 have you considered that perhaps your daughter doesn't quite understand how much it meant to you having that contact with your granddaughter? She probably won't fully understand till she has grandchildren of her own. Unless there are other issues with your relationship, its a bit harsh to assume she's 'using' you. We have had the joy of lots of helping out with childcare over the years but as we get older my oldest daughter is very concerned not to put too much on us. It sounds to me like a communication problem that you have and a frank and loving conversation would sort it out.

There’s some solace in that the other grandma has been treated with the same disdain, Misty.

I don’t buy the excuse that today’s parents are too busy to give a simple update and say thank you. My DC manage to observe the civilities of life even though all of them & partners work FT and in one case also studying for an MA.

Still, what goes around comes around, and one day your dd may well find herself on the receiving end of ingratitude if those are the values being inculcated in her own child.

It’s an absolute cop out to say young parents are so busy now and it annoys me that people say this!

I have several friends who are in the same position, used as unpaid babysitters for years then dropped like lead balloons.
I have one friend who is so lost now that her granddaughter is at school that she doesn’t know what to do with herself, having brought her up, taken her to/from toddler groups, nursery etc. so her solicitor daughter could go to work.

It is ungrateful and very rude to treat grandparents like this. No excuses.

I gave 10 years of unlimited childcare to a daughter who lives 5 minutes away. During Covid they stayed home, very isolated, with both parents working and I was no longer needed. I’ve rarely seen them since.
Our relationship seems to have always been one-way, with me giving and getting nothing in return. I was never taken out with them or included in their family.
I’m sure my daughter sees this as normal and has no idea how hurt I am.

Of course they should have let you know , however please don't take it personally - at least the other GM is in the same boat ! ! Lots of school holidays around the corner so take heart, offer your time - but ask them to forwarn you of any changes to the arrangement.

I think they should have let you know the new arrangements.
Perhaps it’s possible for you to do the nursery pick up once a week and provide tea?

Redhead56

Don't take it to heart your daughter probably doesn't realise how you feel. These days young parents seem so busy and preoccupied. I helped my DiL with the children for over two years. I was never thanked really just taken for granted but I was just glad I did help.

Sorry that is so wrong. NO excuse for taking you totally for granted and never saying thank you and treating you to something very special. Just rude and uncouth.