Daughter just uses me

It was wrong of her not to tell you that the arrangements had changed. I hope you get to continue to see your GD at other times.

You could ask your daughter why she didn’t tell you, maybe she was seeing if it worked out before cancelling you or she thought you would object.

I am sorry you have been hurt by your daughter's thoughtlessness, but young parents are so busy that she may just genuinely have forgotten to tell you of the new arrangement.

At least she seems to be treating you and her MIL alike, which is something many young mothers are not doing, but I don't suppose that helps.

Try not to be too hurt, and don't let on that you feel used and discarded. Wait a week or two then ring them and invite them to Saturday or Sunday lunch. No harm in saying you miss seeing them.

Don't take it to heart your daughter probably doesn't realise how you feel. These days young parents seem so busy and preoccupied. I helped my DiL with the children for over two years. I was never thanked really just taken for granted but I was just glad I did help.

Maybe your daughter knew how you would react and just "chickened out" from discussing it with you.

That was the wrong thing to do, but the important thing is that your granddaughter now has a regular slot at pre-school.

Maybe you need to sit down with a cup of coffee and talk with your daughter about how hurt you felt that she did not let you know properly.

Sadly this is not uncommon. That was very wrong. Sending a virtual hug

I’m afraid I don’t buy the “oh, young people are just so busy” excuse. I’ve looked after all my DGS at some point and have never been made to feel this way by my adult children, however busy they are. They’ve always been appreciative and have let me know well in advance of any changes coming up, and that’s how it should always be.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt like this, Misty007. Your daughter and her partner are both at fault here, but I hope for the sake of harmony you can rise above it. Perhaps they’ll still need you to look after her in school holidays in the future? Either way, I hope that you’ll still get to see your dear granddaughter regularly.

Misty007

I feel so hurt I looked after my lovely granddaughter once a week for 3 years as she went to preschool the other days. One week she made a excuse for her not to come then the next week. I waited for her then messaged her partner will she be coming today he said oh no she goes preschool 5 days now as they get another paid for by government days added on. My own daughter didn't even explain or tell me I was deverstated I looked forward to her coming. She's been the same with her partners mother who looked after my grandaughter as a baby
It's like your used not appreciated and just discarded

Busy or not there is no excuse for this sort of behaviour and thoughtlessness really! Don't I know it! Sympathies Misty

At some ages, the kids benefits the most from being around their peers

This arrangement was not going to last forever

There is a chance for improvement in communication- your daughter should have told you

At certain ages, kids benefit the most

My brain turn off, sorry

Op, I would find out the exact facts first.

I used to occasionally get hurt by something in life, only to find it wasnt exactly as I thought[not daughter related].
I decided in future to find things out properly, before getting upset over something or other.

Redhead56

Don't take it to heart your daughter probably doesn't realise how you feel. These days young parents seem so busy and preoccupied. I helped my DiL with the children for over two years. I was never thanked really just taken for granted but I was just glad I did help.

Sorry that is so wrong. NO excuse for taking you totally for granted and never saying thank you and treating you to something very special. Just rude and uncouth.

I think they should have let you know the new arrangements.
Perhaps it’s possible for you to do the nursery pick up once a week and provide tea?

Of course they should have let you know , however please don't take it personally - at least the other GM is in the same boat ! ! Lots of school holidays around the corner so take heart, offer your time - but ask them to forwarn you of any changes to the arrangement.

I gave 10 years of unlimited childcare to a daughter who lives 5 minutes away. During Covid they stayed home, very isolated, with both parents working and I was no longer needed. I’ve rarely seen them since.
Our relationship seems to have always been one-way, with me giving and getting nothing in return. I was never taken out with them or included in their family.
I’m sure my daughter sees this as normal and has no idea how hurt I am.

It’s an absolute cop out to say young parents are so busy now and it annoys me that people say this!

I have several friends who are in the same position, used as unpaid babysitters for years then dropped like lead balloons.
I have one friend who is so lost now that her granddaughter is at school that she doesn’t know what to do with herself, having brought her up, taken her to/from toddler groups, nursery etc. so her solicitor daughter could go to work.

It is ungrateful and very rude to treat grandparents like this. No excuses.

There’s some solace in that the other grandma has been treated with the same disdain, Misty.

I don’t buy the excuse that today’s parents are too busy to give a simple update and say thank you. My DC manage to observe the civilities of life even though all of them & partners work FT and in one case also studying for an MA.

Still, what goes around comes around, and one day your dd may well find herself on the receiving end of ingratitude if those are the values being inculcated in her own child.

Misty007 have you considered that perhaps your daughter doesn't quite understand how much it meant to you having that contact with your granddaughter? She probably won't fully understand till she has grandchildren of her own. Unless there are other issues with your relationship, its a bit harsh to assume she's 'using' you. We have had the joy of lots of helping out with childcare over the years but as we get older my oldest daughter is very concerned not to put too much on us. It sounds to me like a communication problem that you have and a frank and loving conversation would sort it out.

If course parents are busy but that is no excuse for using GPs to their own advantage. I get very cross when I read post on GN from people who persist on defending young parents! It's not their fault, they are busy working parents , don't expect gratitude just be grateful they allow you access to your GC !!!!😡😡😡😡
We are doing our AC a favour - it is not the other way round! If my AC children took me for granted and though I should grateful for spending time with my GC or never thanked me, I would tell them in no uncertain terms what I thought. GP are not there to be walked on , we are there to love and cherish our precious GC , but not be expected to be grateful!!! For goodness sake!! AC should be respectful and thoroughly appreciative of all the unpaid care , love and devotion we administer. Tired of GP cow towing to their AC.

You feel used and I understand that. Give it time then bring the subject up when you are on your own together and say you would appreciate notification of changes in arrangements in future.
I don't agree that they are too busy either but that's our generation, you just have to look at how they treat friends and you see how different to ours their thinking is.

I dropped a day at work years ago to look after my grandson this went ok and was surprised when my son said his wife had given up work so I wasn’t needed anymore. I never said anything but I was very hurt.

You have 2 choices I think...

1. Vent here, read the angry replies, get worked up until either you have an argument with your daughter or being around each other becomes very uncomfortable because of the big elephant sat between you taking up space...

2. You sit down with her, tell her how you feel and gently ask her why she didn't communicate this to you. Then really listen to the answer and use it as an opportunity to improve your communication and relationship in future...

Well put VS.

I too would be hurt as it’s ungrateful and rude not talk to you about it. However, it’s no use holding a grudge I would very carefully ask her why she didn’t think to tell you as you miss your grandchild very much, listen to what she says and hopefully move on.