My elderly dad wants to visit mums ashes abroad

I'm with Witzend on this one. Explain to him its all (costs covered by him , including insurance, breakfast etc and a third person to assist) or nothing (he doesn't go).

Simple to say I know but I don't think there is any reason to debate otherwise.

What a lovely post, NotSpaghetti

Where there's love, there's a way. 🙂

I am pleased you are able to offer him the chance to go (on your terms).
This is a real gift of love.

My Mother-in-law is 99 now and about four years ago we took her to see her father's birthplace (overseas) and meet with distant relatives "one last time".
I know she was extremely grateful to us for simply organising and assisting her. It really was a great thing to do although I didn't want to do it.

I know she wasn't in a wheelchair but feel sure that if you can do it it may well be very healing for him (and maybe even give you a chance to feel close to your mum too). You will no doubt learn a lot about their early years together and come away with a deeper knowledge of your family and heritage.

This whole thread, and your kindness, has really moved me.
It's a big big loving thing you are doing.
I wish you and your daughter (and your father) well.

Take a second carer with you whoever it is, it’s up to him to pay including insurance, if he doesn’t want to pay he doesn’t go. Jersey is not a cheap place to visit, being confined to a wheelchair will limit options and make it even more costly.

"This week is going to be difficult as it would of been her birthday tomorrow and next week a year since she died. I think this is why he has started talking about Jersey."

I would wait for this difficult week to pass and then see what happens, why plan the trip right away?

What does he truly expect of Jersey? The trip might not give him that outcome he may be hoping for

I think you are very brave. DH and I went to Jersey last year with JET2, I hadn't asked for assistance but coming back through Jersey airport we were shunted into the assisted travel area because I use a stick. There were wheelchair users with us and they were being looked after so well and kindly. Boarding the plane was via a long curving ramp rather than a lift, so that would be more pleasant.
Make sure you stay in a hotel on the front where it's flat and get good insurance, as the health service in Jersey is not reciprocal with the NHS. Good luck

Iceandasliceplease
I'm glad you're managing to sort out a solution and your DD will go with you. You definitely shouldn't attempt this without help.

He's obviously fretting a lot.

He will stamp his feet and have a real tantrum but I have my sister and daughter to back me up
Tell him, any nonsense and you won't take him! He must agree to your plans if he wants to go.
And make sure you take out insurance at the same time as booking.

Good luck.

I can understand your dads desire to go but I wouldn’t take him on your own. It would be a massive undertaking with far too many risks involved. What if he needs the toilet on the flight or has a fall transferring from his wheelchair? Will he need help dressing and showering in the hotel & would you be happy/able to do that.

My sister & I struggle just getting my elderly mother to appointments at the local hospital, she has nearly fallen several times just getting in and out of the car nearly taking us down with her. On one occasion, because she wouldn’t just wait for our help she somehow slipped down into the footwell which was a nightmare. The last time we took her out for lunch was also very problematic. Elderly parents tend to forget that their ‘children’ are no longer spring chickens themselves, often with their own health issues. We have had so many ‘incidents’ when taking my mum out over the last couple of years it’s made us very cautious.

Explain kindly but firmly why you can’t take him. He made the choice not to go when you scattered your mums ashes and he must have made that decision for good reasons. Maybe deep down he knows it’s not a good idea but feels guilty about not having been there. Think of your own well-being, if anything went wrong it would be extremely stressful. Good luck.

Thank you to everyone for their help and advice.
To clarify a few points.
We have an online weekly shop done that arrives each Friday. I will normally spend Wed's or Thurs with him. I'll take him out shopping to get some fresh bits, fish, puddings etc. We mix it up each time. We also might stop for lunch. All this is to get him out of the house and give him a change of scenery. I would do any paperwork/phone calls etc before we go out. Then once back housework/cooking etc.

Regarding the scattering of the ashes. At the time my sister and I took mum's ashes he thought it was best he didn't come as realised it would be difficult for everyone. However his grief has changed so much since last year. He is almost obsessed with mum, he only wants to talk about her. Everything comes back to her. This week is going to be difficult as it would of been her birthday tomorrow and next week a year since she died. I think this is why he has started talking about Jersey.

I know exactly where the ashes are, I chose the place and discussed with dad beforehand if he was happy, checked it was legal to do so and it is easily accessible. So we had a strong plan in place. When we scattered mum, my sister and I took video's and photos so we could show dad. We called him constantly and kept him up to speed. I thought once home it had been a sad but good trip as we did exactly what mum wanted.
My plan now is to tell him I have no problem taking him to Jersey BUT ONLY with someone else with me. After discussing with my sister, my eldest daughter has agreed to come. He will have to cover the cost for all of us including insurance. If not it's simply not going to happen. The ball is in his court. As he has no one else who would go.
He will stamp his feet and have a real tantrum but I have my sister and daughter to back me up.
I really appreciate the time everyone has taken to respond to this post. It has been so much more helpful than I expected.

I wish you and your sister were my daughters. How very caring you are.
Given that your dad has funds my suggestion would be to price out a taxi and driver to the ferry plus the ferry crossings, I wouldn’t contemplate flying as too many things can go wrong with delays etc. A Taxi and driver to a hotel from the ferry and return plus using a courier service for your luggage. When in Jersey hiring a car and driver to push the wheelchair could be good too.
Pushing a wheelchair is exhausting so the hire of some kind of folding mobility scooter might be an idea.
My calculations, on the back of a fag packet, assuming you live in the middle of the uk , would be about 4k for 4 days. That will concentrate your dad’s mind.
Another idea is to hire a professional carer for a few days and take him with you to push the wheelchair and help with personal care. That will avoid all the hassle you might have to cope with using public toilets etc. given your dad can’t walk or stand much.
You have said that your dad is not one to spend unnecessarily so I reckon faced with these costs it’ll be a no go.
If it is still a runner there are hotels especially set up to help with the frail and disabled, I used them with my mum who was partially sighted and in a wheelchair and my grandad although this was some time ago and not in Jersey. The Jersey tourist board might be a useful contact or Scope.
Last idea is for you to fly over yourself and take a video of all the places your dad wants to see and show him the places live on FaceTime when you are there and frequently thereafter at his home.
I reiterate what others have said above - stop worrying as by April your dad’s wishes may have changed. It could be that him planning and dreaming of it all is enough.

I need disabled assistance when we make the short flight to Belfast to see family. I book it with the flight, and then I’m put onto the plane via a hydraulic lift, rather than climbing stairs. This all needs organising, obviously, so best to book in advance.

I’m afraid our ‘elders’ can become very unreasonable when they’re widowed and left on their own. My f-in-law gave us the run around at Christmas 2 years running, and plans were made for part of the family to go to his house and eat with him - he then rang to say he thought he could come to ours for Christmas dinner after all, and would DH go and pick him up? He missed my m-in-law dreadfully, and I think Christmas just rubbed his nose in her absence. I’m sure he didn’t realise he was being difficult.

You really must look after yourself in this situation - present him with 2 options, a trip that you can cope with, or not going. Where will he be if you get ill, and can’t keep on doing all the background admin your normally do for him?

Are you his favourite because it's YOU that does everything for him and don't answer back?
He's being very thoughtless and you need to point out the difficulties of this trip for you.
There are several companies who do trips to Jersey where at least your luggage would be looked afer and taken to your rooms for you. You could send your luggage on in advance and have it returned after your holiday. Look on the internet for these, not cheap but could be well worth it.
However you must insist that two of you will have to take him and that he is the main contributer to everyone's trip
Good luck.

pascal30

I wouldn't even try to do this unless you go a part of a package holiday with other people who could help in an emergencyand also take the pressure off you having to entertain him all the time. You could stay in a full board hotel and just get a taxi to the specual place. Also if it's so important for him to go he should be paying for you. Old age is not a get out card.. and if your sister wishes to be included then obviously she should.. If you're all part of a big group it should all be much more pleasant.

I’m sorry but I think that’s an appalling suggestion. Have you considered how the other people on the package holiday might feel and react to that? And how the poster’s father might think about strangers getting involved in his trip and potentially with his care?

Oh well. That was a useless idea. Sorry.

Grantanow

Would it be possible to have the ashes sent to you so dad could be with them as he chose?

They've already been scattered!!

Witzend

Another case of old people becoming very self-centred, selfish and demanding. I’ve seen rather too much of it.

God forbid we ever get like that! 😱

Why is it like this? We're now 76 and 77 and we've always said that we don't want to be like our parents' generation. Always expecting their children to jump as soon as called. I'm hoping that we don't get like them.

Actually both my parents died in their 50s but my in laws lasted until mid 80s (MIL) and early 90s (FIL) and they had no idea of any courtesy owed to us. But they demanded respect. So much so that my DH's niece refused to have anything more to do with them.

They were married 62 years - how wonderful ❤️ And who can blame from wanting to revisit memories of his honeymoon . But of course, you have to think of yourself now. If you decide to take on this task, make sure you get something out of it , just saying. It should be a holiday for you.

If you do go you must both have insurance, I know.swomw.whosw.spoise died when on a trip.from England to Ireland. It was very expensive to being their body back, as well as being very stressful.

Do you have power of attorney? If you do, you can make a decision on who needs to go. If you need a carer too, then it is OK pay for his/her expenses as well as wages, and your expenses too, as this is a legitimate expense. If you don't have power of attorney it will be worth looking into.

Ifs, buts and maybes would stop many of us from doing what we want.

It's possible to hire a private carer; I know someone who does this work, she is qualified and very experienced and she has clients whom she accompanies on trips overseas as well as on trips in this country.

Perhaps your father would consider paying for a private carer like this to accompany you both on this trip if he really wants to go?

I don’t think you should go,I worry for you—— how about get the address of where your Mum’s ashes are and go on Google Maps and zoom in on the area & you could show him that for now,can you say his Dr is worried about him travelling so far.
When you finally talk to him about NOT going always put him first in the conversation,if he falls,if he fractures his hip,if he gets sick,as some people get older the world is only about them——- sorry you are having so much stress,good luck.

Outline to your father all the assistance he gets each week from upu, sister and home help all in familiar surroundings. Point out if it is just you and him how does he expect to be transported, (does your Dad know how much a wheelchair weighs) and managed with personal tasks all in new surroundings . Your sister being allowed could help, but would she? It's your DFs trip at his request, costs should be down to him.

PamelaJ1

Witzend

Another case of old people becoming very self-centred, selfish and demanding. I’ve seen rather too much of it.

God forbid we ever get like that! 😱

I hope so too but I fear it may happen.

Awkward people don't change as they get older, they can become awkward elderly people.

However, some adult children do treat their elderly, less able parents like children without a mind of their own.
It's very frustrating to have the will but not the wherewithal to do the things you want to.

I'm not saying that Iceandasliceplease is doing this because she's worrying and trying her best, but some comments on the thread seem to indicate that older parents should sit in a corner quietly, do as they're told and behave themselves, their lives are more or less over.

GOOD LUCK PLENTY OF GOOD ADVICE WITHOUT MINE PRAYING I DONT GET LIKE THIS. OUR CHILDREN ARE BOTH IN AUSTRALIA SO WHEN WE GET A BIT OLDER NIGHTMARE FOR US MY HUBBY 74 AND ME 71 GOT TRIP BOOKED FOR NEXT YEAR

Witzend

Another case of old people becoming very self-centred, selfish and demanding. I’ve seen rather too much of it.

God forbid we ever get like that! 😱

I hope so too but I fear it may happen.