Social query

Sorry to hear that eazybee and BlueBelle.

I have noticed a sharp decline in invitations since DH died 3 years ago but I have just decided those people who left me out are not worth bothering with.

I try never to refuse an invitation because I fear I'll not be asked again.

I have had 2 parties this year. One was a Burn's Supper and I invited my single women friends plus 3 men. No couples at all!

The 2nd was friends and family for my birthday. It was hard work but worth it. I love it when people enjoy themselves and the party was still in full swing at 2am i had gone to bed.

I haven't had many invitations but maybe no-one entertains anymore.

As for your question Aveline invite them both.

Ask her - for goodness ask her.

I am widowed and one of the worst things that happens is that no-one invites you to anything any more. This is either because the world is set up for couples and you will upset the balance, or because they think you might burst into tears.

I implore you to ask her. She can say no if she feels unable to cope with it - but do not forget that everywhere she goes and everyone she meets remits her of the things she did with her partner. It is unremitting believe me.

But even worse is being left out - it is agony - take it from me.

Reminds

You sound like a very thoughtful and kind friend.

Don't over think this. Just invite her as you would have done if her DH was alive. If she feels uncomfortable about your kind invitation I am sure she will tell you.

You are being very sensitive and caring, Aveline and it was a good idea to seek others’ opinions.

I think AreWeThereYet put it very well so I won’t repeat the advice, but hope it turns out well and that she feels able to accept, either alone or with another friend.

Yes, do please ask her. If she feels she can’t face it she will tell you. Becoming a social spare part is painful in the extreme.

Yet another new widow saying Invite her!

She may decline the invitation saying she is not up to company right now, or, she might like me, feel it is better to plunge into this new world as soon as possible.

And please don't ask someone else if you have never included others in her and her husband's pre-Christmas visit.

That would make me feel I wasn't valued for myself but had been invited as my husband's wife, rather than because you wanted to see me!

That would make me feel I wasn't valued for myself but had been invited as my husband's wife, rather than because you wanted to see me! - indeed!!

RosiesMaw

I can’t believe you have to ask!
It would emphasis her bereavement all the more to be “ghosted” by not being included/ invited and believe me, there are many widows on here who will bear out the decline in invitations when they no longer make up an even number.
The “couples” thing should belong in the dark ages of formal dinner parties but all too often doesn’t.
By all means include another friend or two but most of all do not ignore your friend by leaving her out. She needs invitations and company more than ever now.
It would indeed be crass to leave her out and be seen to ignore her.

You have completely misunderstood the OP's very kind and thoughtful intentions.

I must be very lucky in my friends, because when I was widowed, at 41, they all treated me just as they had always done. I was invited to everything, and although I didn’t always want to go, I was glad to have the option.

Ask her round and ask if she would like it if you asked your mutual friend as well.

I've decided to invite her as usual and ask if she thinks X (her neighbour and a mutual friend) would like to come too. Whatever suits her suits me.

Excellent Aveline 😊

Aveline

I've decided to invite her as usual and ask if she thinks X (her neighbour and a mutual friend) would like to come too. Whatever suits her suits me.

Perfect!

Aveline

I've decided to invite her as usual and ask if she thinks X (her neighbour and a mutual friend) would like to come too. Whatever suits her suits me.

Wonderful!

AreWeThereYet - excellent advice and Aveline good solution. As someone whose husband died in summer 2021, being given the option of going on my own or with a mutual friend would have been exactly what I wanted. Aveline you are a kind and thoughtful friend and I hope your meeting goes well.

Just ask her. If you leave her out, it will surely rub it in that she is not welcome now she's alone.

Please, please invite her.

AreWeThereYet

It's so nice that you're thinking of her. I would put it to her - she may be grateful to be just with a couple of friends that can talk about her husband with her, or she may not feel up to being sociable. On the other hand she may prefer having something to take her mind off her loss for a short time.

I would just say something like "Can you make it to ours on (whatever date)? We are looking forward to having a nice chat. We were thinking of inviting (so and so) at the same time, but didn't know if you would prefer it to be just the three of us"

Exactly right! I think you've covered all bases here.

The worst has already happened to her. Invite her; she could do with the connection, even if she refuses.

When my husband died, that was the inky time I was glad he had been an antisocial person. Because we hardly went anywhere in a couple I still had lots of friends and work colleagues to go out with. I would have been so upset to be dropped by people just because I was no longer part if a couple. I think the OP is a very kind considerate person. Well done you.

I was in your friends position last Christmas so please ring her and invite her but give her a few days to think about it before she gives you her answer and let her know that you'd love to see her but totally understand if she doesn't feel up to it this time. If she doesn't come then perhaps you could invite her round a few weeks later and start another tradition.

yes do invite her so that the continuity is still there. She will be missing her husband very much of course, and facing first time doing things alone is very hard, as I know myself. But the longer you put it off the harder it gets, and so it will do two things. Firstly she is still your friend and is not being ignored or left out, and secondly at least she will have the comfort of facing those hard efforts of going alone for the first time with people she knows care for her. Then later , in the early part of january or february could you think of something that you could do together, in a situation that is not something that was connected with her husband. So it could be something like trying out a new activity , perhaps going swimming together, or to a quiz one evening, or does she enjoy something but rarely did it with her husband? So perhaps you might ask her round to play cards, bridge or whist or anything you can enjoy or a game of dominos, but making the invitation something for you all by saying something like "Oh we are fed up on these dark evenings thought we might play bridge (or whatever) do you fancy joining us? so that it is not seen as a pitying sort of an effort, just a genuine chance to share an evening together. It can be easy to do things over the holiday period and then there is that dark and miserable weather time where we often stay at home and do things and this is when it would be great if you could invite her on her own merit, rather than it being seen as making a special effort because of her circumstances. Keep being a good friend. They are like gold dust. I have a friend that I have known for 76 years now as we met when I was 2. I have lived abroad and done lots of things but always kept in touch and made sure to meet up when I was in England. It has been a great joy to have her in my life and when my husband died the fact that she had known him well meant a lot to me . May you have a happy christmas and may the new year bring you both pleasure in each others company