It’s going to be my first Christmas as a widow. My husband although getting quite frail, died unexpectedly in late spring. My adult children live other side of globe. Alas for many reason cannot join them this time. Stopped going to shops as all are preparing for Christmas. Feeling so overwhelmed by the music and decorations and special food displays there. I am so very frightened.
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Widows and divorcees - and kindness
(37 Posts)I have just looked at a thread full of kindness and understanding for a woman recently widowed and it was really good to see the thoughtfulness people showed in the thread, and in real life. It is not hard to see why widowhood can be a heartbreaking time of grief and readjustment and kind friends can make a huge difference in supporting someone when they lose their spouse and in the months and years to follow.
I want to add that someone who is on their own following divorce often - maybe usually - goes through a time of grief, loss, loneliness, pain and readjustment and they too have a great need for the support of friends. I think people who have not been divorced may not realise this - especially if the divorce was started by the person now living alone. It would be easy to assume that they are now free of a painful relationship and must surely be happier. This is in one way true - its a relief to be safe. But it is not too unlike being widowed, except that divorce does not elicit the same sympathy and caring responses as when a partner dies. So this is just to alert people to the pain of anyone who is alone after having had a partner, whatever the cause of their now being single - everyone adjusting to a new life on their own needs thoughtfulness and kindness. A smile, a short chat, a cup of tea, a meal, asking if they want to talk - all can make a real difference. I think too that supporting someone who may be lonely and sad can be really rewarding to the giver of that kindness and support.
Of course there are people living alone for other reasons too. People need people and thoughtful kindness and friendship can transform lives.
I don't think anyone has mentioned this. My DH is in a nursing home awaiting two operations. I feel so alone, coping with everything on my own and am shocked at so called friends who do not bother with me now.
I do not think the pandemic helped either. People got out of the habit of bothering.
I am not a great fan of Christmas, but this year and last year too will be very difficult.
Goldieoldie I am sending you good thoughts.
Yes that is what my Gp said to me after my ex husband left us for someone else. after 19yrs At work I collapsed due to trying to do everything like he was still there for our sons I hadn’t realised how much weight I’d lost and when I went to the doctor he said your husband hasn’t died but you still have to go through the grief of losing him. A lot of friends also stopped calling don’t know if it was because they didn’t know what to say or through I might steal their husbands lol as I was told from one of them. But my ex the gf didn’t last long and he tried to come back but I said no and he’s gone on to marry and divorce 4 times since ours lol
A thoughtful post and food for thought Applegran - thankyou.
Applegran, You might be spot on - for some people, but certainly not for others. We are all different. I don't like the assumption that divorce, living alone or loss of a spouse is inevitably a painful, lonely time. I've been through both.
When I divorced my first husband, I was as happy as a lark, living alone - but not feeling lonely and lost, the way I felt when married to him. I think the loneliest place is being with the wrong person, so I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, he got the sympathy because I left, but I didn't need it. We remained friends and it wasn't a traumatic time.
When my second husband died, yes, the grief was horrendous, but felt along with a huge sense of relief that his suffering was over. My grief was personal, so I didn't want to talk about it. My dearest wish at that time was that people would carry on being their normal selves, not extra kind/sympathetic/comforting/understanding/considerate - just their true selves. When your world is upside down, the last thing you need is for friends and relatives to start behaving oddly. What you really crave is 'normal'.
I avoided them like the plague, the ones acting weird. I enjoyed, instead, the company of new friends that didn't know I'd just been widowed. Family can try to reclaim you, somehow - as if you've reverted back to a younger age - just when you're finding a new life and identity. I had no wish to spend extra time with those who'd completely misjudged how I was feeling - or projected their own reactions. It's just too much hard work, at a difficult time, coping with their feelings, their assumptions, embarrassment, uncertainty etc.
FindingNemo15
I don't think anyone has mentioned this. My DH is in a nursing home awaiting two operations. I feel so alone, coping with everything on my own and am shocked at so called friends who do not bother with me now.
I do not think the pandemic helped either. People got out of the habit of bothering.
I am not a great fan of Christmas, but this year and last year too will be very difficult.
Goldieoldie I am sending you good thoughts.
I understand as my beloved DH is also in a Nursing with advanced dementia. Yes I can visit him I can hold his hand I can kiss him but he has no idea who I am he is alive in body but that is all. We have been married for 63 years and I am on my own for the first time in my life. I left my parents home as a bride I had three children owned my own business was always frantically busy but was never alone. Now I am and it is as FindingNemo15 says when you go back to an empty house the grief hits and when those who you thought were your friends have disappears then you really are alone.
May I just add my grateful thanks and good wishes to Goldieoldie for her kind and compassion message.
Celieanne86 we seem to have quite a lot in common. I am thinking about you. It is not easy.
Applegran, what a very good pośt, you can see from the replies how relevant it is. I've been divorced and widowed. I had friends that dissapoeared, only to want to reunite years later even circumstances change, but I did not want to. I was always grateful for those friends always there for me Now I have the pain of estrangement from my much loved daughter, after all she's done I wish I could stop loving her but I can't. However I love people, aways ready for a chat, everyone responds to a kind word or action, I might be the only person they speak to that day or they could be the only person I speak to. None of us know what has happened to some
one. Always be a little kinder than is necessary was my moms saying. I have got weary of all that is required managing everything on my own but there's nothing to be done but get on with it.
My husband of 45 years died this past November 10th, 5 years after being diagnosed with a rare Lymphoma. It was a bit abrupt as he went from being all right on the Saturday to hospitalized Sunday and died early Friday. I was not expecting it then, nor was he, as he had experienced several setbacks during those 5 years, had periods in hospital and then at a rehabilitation center but then recovered and came home. Fortunately what he had was not excessively painful, but not curable and always fatal and death came gently as these things go. Our daughters were able to come in time.
Our friends were very supportive and I had a lovely visit with one couple and their children, who live one in Colorado, who recently married,and one in Fleet, UK who has married a Kings Guard and had an adorable son last year. We babysat them as children and took them to the zoo, theater, etc.. We spent the evening reminiscing about my husband. Another couple invited me for the Thanksgiving meal. Their daughter who considered us extra grandparents, and her husband were there from Washington D.C. and we all told stories about my husband.
I will be selling our large Edwardian Era house and finding a manageable apartment with elevators and in apartment laundry. Although my knees are sure to appreciate this, I am quite busy clearing out 45 years of accumulation. I am dreading Christmas as it was our favourite holiday and was closely followed by Roger's birthday on 4th January. He would have been 80 and we were planning a big party. We will be having a memorial service at Saint Stephen's followed by a reception. My husband donated his body to the Cancer Hospital connected to the local University so the funeral will take place much later after his ashes are returned. I suppose it is good to have so many things to do, and I am sure I will not be on my own for the Christmas season. The company of friends and neighbours as well as AC and grandchildren is a blessing.
Very well and sensitively expressed Applegran .
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