Three and a half years since he died, but Christmas feels so hard ..

An interesting item on Loneliness on this morning’s Woman’s Hour - presumably available on Sounds.
I agree Luckygirl and others about that first year..
Yes it is the worst thing you could imagine - although I don’t think anybody can actually imagine it however kind or empathetic- but I agree, the shock can numb you to the realisation that this is it, for ever and there’s no coming back.
We meet real kindness after a bereavement but after a bit, when you are seen to be “coping” not sobbing your way round the supermarket any more, they tend to if not exactly forget, at least put it on the back burner. Probably with a sigh of relief.
And just as losing a leg doesn’t improve with time( (it doesn’t grow back!) so the loss is no less. We just get better at being seen to deal with it externally.
For me the second year was also worse than the first and frankly I don’t expect to feel any different this year. But as others have said, we pin a smile on, try to believe that life does in fact go on, even if we don’t particularly like the way it is.
Things are never “for the better” they are what they are . to all in this position.

It's the second Christmas for me, I think I was still in shock last Christmas because this one seems so much harder. What would have been our wedding anniversary was earlier this week which makes it even more difficult. Seems as if I've been either sobbing or tearful for weeks now, just can't wait for it all to be over and done with.
I hope it's not too selfish/wrong/inconsiderate or whatever to say that knowing others are sharing the same sort of feelings does make it easier to bear. I know I'm not the only one and I hope for the best holiday period possible for all of you.

I dont have a partner but I can remember like it was yesterday that my much loved grandmother died a few weeks before Christmas 1979. She was closer to me and meant far more to me than either of my biological parents. It was not unexpected because she was in her 90s and physically very frail. However she was sharp as a tack mentally right to the end.

In my last significant conversation with her I had told her of my plans to give up working in local government and apply to university. I assured her that I wanted her to be on the front row as a guest of honour when I went to collect my degree.

She asked me how long it took for a degree and then said

"Well I wont be here anymore child because I think the Lord will take me soon. But wherever I am Ill be watching you and I know you'll make me proud."

I stopped observing christmas after her death as all the meaning went out of it for me. I dont decorate, send cards, or give gifts.

Eventually I did graduate and I was thinking of her when I went up to accept my degree. She was sitting on the front row with all the local bigwigs.

So many in a similar boat - sending love and hugs.

Luckygirl 💐 it’s very tough when Christmas comes and brings up sad memories. My mum died peacefully at home on this date 5 years ago, but at a great age. We celebrated her life that Christmas. Then 4 years ago my DH was just about able to watch the GC open their presents and enjoy a family gathering for a hour . He died on New Year’s Eve at home from cancer 5 weeks after diagnosis. He was nearly 73 not a great age and I find it difficult to believe it’s 4 years ago . Just so much has happened since then without him being here .

Lucky

My love to you, Lucky girl. I have said, and I say it again: Christmas is a cruel time of year. Many of the worst things in my life have been around Christmas and New Year, And yet, we continue to celebrate this season. My love and sympathy to all of you to whom Christmas brings back sad memories.

My sympathy, Luckygirl, it gets harder rather than easier I find. Two years ago DH was in a nursing home, wanting to die and not engaged with life; the presence of DD and DGD1 provoked an amazing response from him, an almost Lazarus like revival for the time they were here. Once they had gone home he simply turned his face to the wall, as his GP put it, and faded away.

So yes, I find this time of year very hard and have to force myself to be part of it for the sake of others. Hope all those of us with a mixed feeling about Christmas get through it and perhaps even find some joy too.

My heartfelt thoughts go out to all those who have lost loved ones throughout the year and especially over the Christmas period. My dear mum died 7 years ago just before Christmas. The saying 'Time is a healer' isn't always true

Luckygirl, my husband died around the same time as your husband so we are on a similar journey, I wish you well.

Lucky,Rosiesmaw,Iam, I rember your posts,as I do many other GN's on here of the struggles and heartbreak of your losses, Cabbie another recent loss ,I wish you, and all other grieving Grans peace in which ever way you find it,and christmas, this too shall pass,today the nights will slowly draw out after the shortest day sending my love and hugs for all who need it.

I find christmas hard,,the death of my first daughter 45 years ago in November, death of my secoond daughter on the anniversaŕy of my dads death 3rd january ,and the loss of my long term partner end of Nòvember 5 years ago,not to death ,but another woman,I think if he had died I would know he died still loving me, his words I dont lovve you anymore still ring in my èars.
My DGD and I will spend Christmas day with a visit from my son and DDil and little DGD, I am blessed with my little family.

It's coming up to 5 years since I lost dh. I know people advise to treasure your memories but to me I sometimes wish I didn't remember, the pain just gets too much that he's not here in the present. I know I'm fortunate and will be with family on Christmas day, my thoughts are with everyone who is mourning and hope we all find some peace and happiness over this difficult time.

Its so hard, losing someone you love, nothing prepares you for it. 💐

Thinking of all of you who have sad memories at Christmas.

These moving posts have helped me .... it feels wrong to be so bleak when my lovely family are working hard to create a happy celebration for us all. But in a way it is comforting to know that there are many putting on a brave face, not because they are not enjoying the celebrations, or not appreciating what they do have, but because memories always creep in.... good ones and bad ones.
I hope everyone can find some joy and peace over the next week.
I have not put up a tree nor any decorations... I cannot lift them down and plans to do this with GC fell through because of sore throats and snotty noses. Maybe next year ....

I'm sorry Lucky you are feeling so sad and can't shake off the bad memories.

Dempie too being on your own.

It's just over 3 years since DH died and I miss him.

I wasn't going to bother with a Christmas 🎄 this year because it's only me and I'll go to my son's for the day but I think I want to get the decorations down for old times sake and maybe to remember the lovely times we had together.

I hope you can too Lucky

This time of year is so dark and dreary.

I'm so sorry Luckygirl - that was such a sad and hard passing for both of you. This is my 29th Christmas without my husband. He was killed in a road accident when he was 48. This time of family togetherness is so difficult, but it does become less so as time passes - not because you forget, never that, but because over the years you develop a new sense of normality. It's not an easy path to tread and it really is early days for you. Be kind to yourself x

It will be 40 years on Christmas day since my dear dad died. It seems like only yesterday. My mum lived to 91 spending all those years alone. They had a son after having 3 girls and l had a son so he saw his grandson. He missed out on 5 granddaughters and a great grandson.
This time of year is so sad filled with memories l don't like to wish my life away but roll on the New Year.

Lucky

This will be my 7th Christmas without DH. He died suddenly at the age of 50. He hadn't been ill, it was completely out of the blue. I find the run up to Christmas harder somehow. Not being able to buy the little treats he liked. I'm sure I'm not the only one to discretely cry in the supermarket. I'm very lucky that my (quite happily) unmarried son and I are close and we now go to a restaurant on Christmas day.

Sending love to you all.

My DH died three days after Christmas Day 2019 are a long drawn out illness caused by ischeamic heart disease which he ought to the bitter end before giving in to it.
He spent his last two weeks in hospital completely unaware it was Christmas as the lack of oxygen to his brain caused by failing blood supply had caused him to be semi comatose.
The strange thing about it was on Christmas Eve when I visited him in hospital he had suddenly got all his senses back.He was fully compos mentis and the nurses told me he would be going home as soon as possible
When I mentioned this to him he just looked at me as if I had said something completely stupid and replied that he would never get out of this hospital as he was too close to death.The first time he had ever mentioned that word
On Christmas Day we were getting ready to visit him when the hospital rang to say to get there as quick as possible as his condition had suddenly deteriorated.I got there with my son and one of our grandchildren to find him unconscious and unresponsive.I stayed with him till he died three days later.
Every Christmas since has brought back the memories, of relatives coming and going to say their goodbyes, of the priest anointing him and praying and the eventual funeral arrangements etc.
I have spent every Christmas Day since alone, at my own choice.This is to allow my family to celebrate as they wish, they come to see me later in the day and over the next few days as well to share memories of their dad and grandad.Our two great grandchildren are too young to remember but are reminded o him
Death is no respecter of seasons.It will strike at any time.

I remember how tough that period was for yiu Lucky. No wonder you’re finding this Christmas time so hard.
It’s my second without my husband. I’m blessed with adult children abd young grandchildren. I found myself weeping earlier, just because his absence hit me from nowhere
Look after yourself

That is heartbreakingly sad Luckygirl. It must be very hard to shake off those last memories. At least you were with him most of the time and able to comfort him to some extent, hopefully.

There will be many people - me among them - who will be glad to see the end of the Christmas hype where we often feel obliged to put on a happy face so as not to spoil things for others. You are not alone - your feelings will be shared by quite a few others on here I suspect.

During the run up to Christmas day when I feel this sadness, I often sit in the evening with one of Jane Austen's novels with just enough light to read, and some classical music in the background... it has a very soothing effect and re-directs the mind to a more comfortable place.

I’m so sorry, Luckygirl.