New relationships when your children are young

I fully agree Dinahmo. When my marriage broke up 20+ years ago, I was young enough to waltz off with someone else. Their father did. But, my priority was my children. I don’t regret it one bit. Having said that, I won’t criticise any one who does move on and finds happiness. For various reasons, i felt it wasn’t the right thing for me and my children.

I suppose in a lot of cases Dinahmo the new partner is the result of an affair and the very reason for the marriage ending.

In any event, I agree with your sentiments. My first husband left me for another woman when my son was 2. I didn't have the time or inclination to contemplate another relationship until my son was 16 when I met the man who became my second husband.

If he had not accepted my son or there had been undue friction, my son would have come first. We were in fact together for 26 wonderful years until he died quite suddenly in 2016.

I was one of those who said that. Childhood goes by so quickly and I just can’t understand why people leap into another (often not good relationship) with no thought for their kids.

I outlined the problems one niece is having but on the other side of the family is another niece whose parents split when she was just 12. Within days a new man had moved in and she then spent the years until she left home at 19 not ever being in the same room as him, never speaking to him etc. those years were miserable for her and she developed a serious eating disorder.

Kids don’t want to take sides and obviously she didn’t want to upset her Mum so she just kept quiet and took her meals to another room. She told me none of this until she left home but if she had I would have taken her in. Poor girl had 7 years of feeling unloved and unable to share it with anyone.

I have a relation who split from her husband when their child was 2/3.
The child had many “uncles” and eventually 3 stepfathers!
The child was very damaged.
I do however feel that it’s not right for someone to put their life on hold for the children.
I guess the answer is to only introduce your child the the new partner when you’re sure.

There are no 'rules' here. What works out for the best depends on three things, individually and together: the new partner, the mum and the child(ren).

My husband died when our daughters were 5 & 7, with school
homework, school parents evenings, Brownies then Guides, sports clubs, fun time the three of us together, new relationship ? no and no regrets

I am happy alone but not everyone is, some people need a partner emotionally and financially.

If the children are very young to them a new partner is just another friend, they do not understand the romantic aspect.

Theexwife

I am happy alone but not everyone is, some people need a partner emotionally and financially.

If the children are very young to them a new partner is just another friend, they do not understand the romantic aspect.

They can still have a relationship just wait a few years to move them into the family home. Children are more important than any relationship which may or may not work out. Don’t forget the child is probably still upset and missing the parent who has left or been kicked out.

Even very small children understand a lot more than people give them credit for. The brother of the 12 year old niece I mentioned was just 3 when his parents split. He saw his Dad regularly and straight away said he wasn’t allowed in his Mum’s bed any more and when his Dad asked why he said “because X (the new man) sleeps there now.” Which was a shock to his Dad because he was told there was nobody else involved in the split.

Are you applying these "rules" to father's too? I hope not. My DS was desperately unhappy following his marriage breakdown - his life revolved around work and seeing his children just at the weekend. Most of his evenings were spent alone. We were very relieved when he met someone - they took the relationship slowly especially with regard to her being with the children. They've now been together 6 years and the children adore her - and her children adore him too.

eddiecat78

Are you applying these "rules" to father's too? I hope not. My DS was desperately unhappy following his marriage breakdown - his life revolved around work and seeing his children just at the weekend. Most of his evenings were spent alone. We were very relieved when he met someone - they took the relationship slowly especially with regard to her being with the children. They've now been together 6 years and the children adore her - and her children adore him too.

Had the father been the children's main carer, ie they lived with him, then yes.

I think new relationships are fine as long as they are treated as extra friends rather than substitute parents, just like mothers' women friends. I think that making children responsible for one's social life is placing too heavy a burden on them, they can worry that Mum will be lonely if they are not with them, and stunt their own social development.
It is like when I hear mothers say, in front of their children, that they don't bother to cook for themselves if the children are away, it is really not fair on the children to give them responsibility for their mother's diet.

Of course the children come first but there are some easy judgements and generalisations here

There were many women left widowed after WW2, my MIL was one of them.
When she eventually remarried, DH had a wonderful, supportive stepfather and then a new brother, to whom he is very close despite the age gap.

It depends on how the situation is handled, surely?
A child subjected to an acrimonious breakup or a succession of different "step-parents" in their life will not be happy but, if the adults realise that the children's welfare and happiness is paramount, then it may not mean disaster.

The case you mentioned Dinahmo, sounded as if the child's needs were not really being met by the mother.

My husband died when my children were 9 and 6.. I had no desire for another relationship, and the elder boy in particular would have hated it. I just couldn’t imagine putting another person into my family.

As has been said, some people can cope with being alone and some can’t. I didn’t and don’t find it difficult. The children have grown up fine and are happy, successful adults. Like Anniebach, I have no regrets.

I know someone who has had a succession of relationships...at work someone actually likened her to a butterfly flitting from one relationship to the next.
Some were not healthy at all from what was said but within a matter of weeks, the next person would arrive!

Her two children are now both young adults approx 19 / 22 and both are living chaotic and unstable lives with her daughter (22) just giving birth to her 03rd child...social services are involved and the whole saga is very, very sad.

I'm in no doubt it's partially been created by the life she led and actually still does.

But do people "leap into new relationships with no thought for their kids"?

By staying single after a divorce, or the death of a spouse, surely you are conveying an unspoken message to your children that marriage was so dreadful that you are not going to risk it again? Doing so will damage a child as much as a new failed relationship would.

And who says a new relationship is bound to fail?

Single parenthood is very hard work and surely not something anyone wants to choose?

Think we all have this story in our families. My brother oldest first wife went off with someone else she didn’t mention him when they broke up. First knew about him saw online few months later they got married he tried all ways to cut us out of life. So he could have his perfect ready made family. Didn’t happen his son made sure. 5yrs later mum as now divorced from him. Grandchild as a few issues and is only 11.

These are all very sensible and morally correct answers…BUT left alone with 2 small children, (in my case) many women are not happy just to have to concentrate on the children.
They also have needs and are often vulnerable and in need of financial AND emotional support.
Maybe they shouldn’t want anyone else…but for many, children are not enough to live their lives for to the exclusion of a life for themselves. Not necessarily just a new man, ut work, vocations etc, and in making a new life, you meet new people.
Sensible to wait perhaps …but EMOTIONS come into the equation here …. And I can say all you have said IN RETROSPECT…but at the time…not so easy to decide to put your life on hold for years. We have a limited time on earth and just as long as the children are well cared for physically and emotionally I see no reason to stagnate your life…it’s not going to help your children to have an unfulfilled mother, that could make things worse!

I didn’t put my life on hold, I didn’t stagnate my life, women need a man to fulfil their lives ?

i agree, a split can affect children, affect them even more by bringing other people /children in it.Blended families, no thanks.Children need a place of belonging and safety.

Iam64

Of course the children come first but there are some easy judgements and generalisations here

Very true. Some women feel very wounded and unloved/ unattractive when their husband leaves them for someone else.
It’s very understandable if someone shows you that you’re attractive and wanted that you succumb to that attention.

Being on your own with young children is hard and I think that women try to find support and happiness again in another relationship. But I think you need to tread with caution about how soon you introduce a new partner.

My daughter was four when my relationship with her father went downhill (too many black eyes). I moved back in with my parents until I found a home. I met an old friend when she was eight. This was thirty years ago. She disliked him as a young teenager but apart from that they adore each other and gang up on me. I never spoke badly about her father and there was unlimited access. I left her to come to her own conclusions 'Mum, why is my dad such a wanker?'. He died fifteen years ago from the drink. My partner continues to give her all the support she requires and will defend her to the death. She never had any 'uncles' and my partner never purported to be her father, even though he does a far better job than her biological father.

Anniebach

I didn’t put my life on hold, I didn’t stagnate my life, women need a man to fulfil their lives ?

Exactly, Anniebach. It was the same for me. I had a very interesting, full life and definitely didn’t stagnate! The brain doesn’t die if you are widowed.