Am I being selfish?

@Doodle yes I will have the conversation with her again definitely. Its very difficult when someone refuses to take part in that discussion though. It was the same when I wrote my will , she was cross with me for trying to give her a copy and telling her the details. I eventually gave it to her husband to keep, bless him . I totally understand her emotions but I do believe it is a talk everyone should have beforehand.

Loosing my husband was hard, but if I hadn't had his funeral to arrange and a beautiful Mass said, then I would have been even more devasted.

You were trying to make things easier for your daughter, and thankfully you told her what you had in mind and why.

If you go ahead with your plans, I am sadly afraid you will make a dificult time even harder for her.

I had much loved aunts and uncles whose funerals I did not attend, and subsequently found it very hard to accept that they were dead.

Talk this over with your daughter again in a while , and see if you cannot find a compromise that will suit you and her.

Whiff

Gangan I said to my daughter 2 years ago about just have a cremation no funeral and I would pay for it now. She said no I want a funeral for you mom . I said I will pay for it now. She said no it will be my responsibility when you die and you are not allowed to die for 20 years as I want you to see the boys grow.

So I am letting her have her own way. And to be honest it made me very proud of her that she wanted to do that for me. So let your daughter do want she wants it will make her happy.

My son estranged in 2020 and thought I would save my daughter the responsibility. But she wants it her way . My son will never know when I die anyway .

My husband died 20 years ago next month aged 47 our daughter was 20 and son 16. I was 45. We are atheists so had a non religious funeral at the crem . No wake as I we hated them. No flowers either waste of money but said donations if anyone wanted to give we raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward that treated my husband. There where over 100 people at my husband's funeral and they came from all over the country .

He made me laugh at his last Christmas he said don't burn me in my Jeff Banks suit it cost £350 in the 90's. We picked out a pair of his y fronts, trousers, my favourite shirt of his and Homer Simpson socks.

Went in to a Franz Ferdinand song, Damien Rice for the lowering of the coffin and Mr Blue Sky by ELO on the way out which was ironic as it was pouring with rain.

My husband hated queuing and the funeral ahead of us over ran and I said he would hate this and the kids and me laughed. I am very glad we didn't cry during the funeral as there where so many people to thank for coming.

You thought like I did to save your daughter the worry. But like my daughter she wants it . Be very proud she does.

I am so very proud of my girl in everything she does and adore her with every bone in my body ❤️ I raised her by myself from a fairly young age due to her father finding pastures new and I know I have always tried to protect from pain and heart ache . I think as a parent that's fairly normal. Thank you for understanding my reasons but you are right, it is up to her .

NotSpaghetti

Yes. This may be what you would have liked to do when your mum died.

I would have found it unbelievably difficult if that was what my mum had insisted on! Her funeral was deeply cathartic and healing.

Have you asked your daughter what she thinks would help her when you have died?

That is so not what I wanted or had for my darling mother in any respect.

Shelflife

You were only thinking of your daughter and not wanting her to experience what you did at your Mums funeral. It was a very positive move to speak to your daughter, so now you know how she feels ( and it was worrying about her feelings that prompted you to think of a direct funeral) However .......you now know her feelings and if I were in your shoes I would re think my plan . Your choice of course , but I am sure that after you have gone you want your daughter to manage her grief with as
little pain as is possible. I would definitely change my plan . Good luck !

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to do . I personally would like a church service followed by the crematorium but I truly suggested it for my daughter's sake and she is an agnostic and thinks church services are gobbly gook! So I honestly thought I was helping her .

Hithere

Yes and no

No, you are no selfish for choosing the way you want to say bye to this world

However, funerals are for the living, whatever helps them cope with the loss of the loved one

Yes.

Someone dear to us had arranged for Pure Cremation and it still feels strange that we were not able to say our last farewells although there was a memorial gathering later on.

I think you need to discuss this more with your daughter and found out what she would like to do?

Maybe compromise by having a religious service at the crematorium? Or consider burial?

However, funerals are for the living, whatever helps them cope with the loss of the loved one
The Yes was to that 🙂

Germanshepherdsmum

Funerals are for the living and to some extent bring (awful word) closure. A chance to say goodbye. Your daughter doesn’t want a ‘pure cremation’ for you. Nor would I want that for a loved one. You may wish you could have done that for your mother but it isn’t what your daughter wants so yes, you are being selfish. The cost of a funeral doesn’t have to be ‘atrocious’. It can be a very simple affair.

My mother's funeral was a full church service, ( we are/were both Christians)crematorium followed by a wake of over 300 people. It was a lovely send-off if that's possible and what we both agreed beforehand. So please don't judge my decision for mine by what I did for my beloved mother! All I was trying to do was save my daughter (who is an agnostic) more grief than I know she will be suffering.

My mother also had a church service - like me she was religious and I will have my funeral in the same church and be buried with her in the churchyard. My way of saving my son further grief is to have arranged a simple and short BCP funeral, no long drawn out music and my express wishes made known so that he doesn’t have to guess, as I did. And there’s a nice pub round the corner from that village church where those who wish (there won’t be many) can raise a glass.

Gangan2

Germanshepherdsmum

Funerals are for the living and to some extent bring (awful word) closure. A chance to say goodbye. Your daughter doesn’t want a ‘pure cremation’ for you. Nor would I want that for a loved one. You may wish you could have done that for your mother but it isn’t what your daughter wants so yes, you are being selfish. The cost of a funeral doesn’t have to be ‘atrocious’. It can be a very simple affair.

My mother's funeral was a full church service, ( we are/were both Christians)crematorium followed by a wake of over 300 people. It was a lovely send-off if that's possible and what we both agreed beforehand. So please don't judge my decision for mine by what I did for my beloved mother! All I was trying to do was save my daughter (who is an agnostic) more grief than I know she will be suffering.

🤔

No-one's judging you Gangan

You said your mother's funeral was the worst day of my life but also that It was a lovely send-off if that's possible and what we both agreed beforehand.

So obviously, although traumatic as these things are, it was what you and your mother both decided on before her death and well worth it as it was a lovely send-off which I understand.

Your daughter, understandably, will want an input, just as you did with your mother's funeral.

There can be lovely, simple non-religious services or a humanist services

With Pure Cremation there is no service at all.

Thank you for all your thoughts. I would just like to confirm that my mother's funeral was totally the opposite and the church service was a great help in my grief but I am sorry I do think crematoriums are awful soul destroying places and all I was trying to do was save my daughter from that place .
My mother died quite young and in my arms and the pain is still with me every day. I just want to protect my girl as much as possible.
Please think before making judgemental comments on such posts.
After reading kinder constructive comments I will try and have the conversation with her again .

I view crematoria in the same way as you. My mother honoured my father’s wish to be cremated but it was not what she or I would have chosen. My husband also wants to be cremated. If you could come to terms with being buried would that not solve the problem? Being religious, I couldn’t contemplate the complete lack of a religious service and committal. Fortunately my husband and son are also Christians.

I do think crematoriums are awful soul destroying places and all I was trying to do was save my daughter from that place.

They aren't all awful and some services can be lovely depending on what you choose, religious or not.

Have a chat - it's something we all need to do and a good reminder for us all.

Redhead56

I casually told our son of my wishes the same as yours and he was really irritated and cross with me. I think just talking of death alone upset him at the time I haven’t mentioned the subject since.

That was pretty much the reaction I got when I did the same thing, Redhead.
I think it was partly because it was so out of the blue.

At some point, I will casually mention it again, but do as my dad did, and say that it genuinely doesnt matter to me what eventually happens once I am dead, so although I will tell them what I have in mind (simple cremation, then at some stage ashes to be scattered in a particular place quite close to home, and if they feel like it, for them to have a meal out together to remember me however they want), as far as I am concerned, these are just suggestions and they are welcome to do whatever they are comfortable with.

Germanshepherdsmum

I view crematoria in the same way as you. My mother honoured my father’s wish to be cremated but it was not what she or I would have chosen. My husband also wants to be cremated. If you could come to terms with being buried would that not solve the problem? Being religious, I couldn’t contemplate the complete lack of a religious service and committal. Fortunately my husband and son are also Christians.

I just couldn't consider a burial unfortunately. I don't really understand why my daughter has become an agnostic, she was brought up in the CofE church but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. It doesn't help that her husband feels the same about the church. Is it fair to ask them to do something they have absolutely no belief in ?
If the funeral is for those left behind it must be their choice I guess!

Last year we went to a friend's cremation. It was in a nearby crematorium and the room we went into had windows across one wall so that we looked out over a field towards some woodland. After we left the coffin was removed. We did not see it slide into the furnace.

The coffin was on a trolley and we all able to walk past it, touch if we wanted and spend a few moments before moving outside.

There was a monitor suspended from the ceiling on which were displayed photos of Angie taken throughout her life. Her family and some friends spoke. There was music but I forget what it was.

There was a young man from the crem overseeing proceedings with a very light touch. He played very little in it.

We all came away thinking how beautiful the ceremony had been.

Gangan2 I was brought up in the C of E and we went to church nearly every week. I became an agnostic in my late teens. I can't remember what prompted it; I think it was a feeling that grew.

I remember when my niece was born (40+years ago) that I decided not to be a godmother because I could not bring myself to say the necessary words and if we do go to a religious ceremony (rarely) I do not read the service.

My mother donated her body to medical science, as did my father. In both cases, the body was removed from the hospital direct to the medical school, so there was no burial/cremation. A few days later we had a funeral service in a church, with no coffin, followed by a gathering in the house for those who attended. I found it much easier than standing by a grave or in a crematorium as coffin disappeared from view.

My parents were both buried in medical school plot a year or so after they died.

I knew their wishes well in advance and my mother had no problems discussing with me. She also had contingency plans in case medical school wouldn't take her(cremation).
In both cases funeral was very cheap - just a donation to priest for service and the cost of refreshments for guests! Medical school pays all other costs - undertaker etc.
I'm sure this wouldn't suit everyone, but it's another option if you don't want a traditional funeral.

Funerals are for the living not the dead. Let her decide and do what SHE needs to do to mourn and remember. [ flowers]

I have been to a new crematorium recently and I don't know how to describe it but it was quite 'natural' with gardens and woodlands and the rooms were warm. So maybe there has been a shift in how they are presented?

I hope you've found this thread useful Gangan. I think you were fine to express your wishes to your daughter, whether she has agreed with it or not. Lots of people in families just don't talk about these kinds of things and what a minefield it can be when newly bereaved - especially when it is someone young, like your Mother was

Gangan2 you post could have been written by a lady I knew. Married with 4 adult children and several grandkids. They were all incredibly close and lived within a few miles of each other. They did everything together and she idolised them all.

She died after a short illness about 5 years ago and it was a shock to many when it was revealed she had asked for no funeral service, no mourners at all, just a cremation. Her reasons were she didn’t want them making themselves more upset and she did not want them buying suits and shoes they would never wear again and could ill afford. I spoke to one of her daughters some months later and she said the whole family had agreed that her Mum made the right decision. It’s several weeks before a funeral can be held and just as you are beginning to accept things, you then have a funeral to contend with.

Gangan2 , I found your post very interesting as I know two women whose husbands died last year and both wanted a direct cremation for their husbands, however their AC were totally against it . One stuck to her plan , the other came up with a compromise. They had a celebration of his life in a hotel with family and friends and had his coffin there . After the celebration, where friends and family spoke about him. He went off to the crematorium on his own.
I like the idea that funerals are for the living , a chance to say goodbye.
Good for you for broaching the subject about your funeral.
Mr father died very suddenly from a massive heart attack and had made no plans . My mother wasn’t capable of organising a funeral , so myself and my 2 siblings did it all. I’ve tried to discuss my mothers funeral but all she’ll say is that she wants to be cremated .

Tenko

Gangan2 , I found your post very interesting as I know two women whose husbands died last year and both wanted a direct cremation for their husbands, however their AC were totally against it . One stuck to her plan , the other came up with a compromise. They had a celebration of his life in a hotel with family and friends and had his coffin there . After the celebration, where friends and family spoke about him. He went off to the crematorium on his own.
I like the idea that funerals are for the living , a chance to say goodbye.
Good for you for broaching the subject about your funeral.
Mr father died very suddenly from a massive heart attack and had made no plans . My mother wasn’t capable of organising a funeral , so myself and my 2 siblings did it all. I’ve tried to discuss my mothers funeral but all she’ll say is that she wants to be cremated .

I really feel it is a discussion we should all have before 'the time is close ' too many people are left not knowing what the deceased wanted unfortunately.
I arranged a close friend's funeral a few years ago and after the church service the coffin went off to the crematorium and all the mourners went to local hotel . This worked well as he had no family and I like this idea for myself but it requires a service or something of some kind beforehand.
Both my parents died very suddenly and it makes you realise its a conversation that needs to be had for sure !