Am I being selfish?

Yes, we do.
My friend died very suddenly but I knew she had written out exactly what she wanted at her funeral service.

Primrose53

Gangan2 you post could have been written by a lady I knew. Married with 4 adult children and several grandkids. They were all incredibly close and lived within a few miles of each other. They did everything together and she idolised them all.

She died after a short illness about 5 years ago and it was a shock to many when it was revealed she had asked for no funeral service, no mourners at all, just a cremation. Her reasons were she didn’t want them making themselves more upset and she did not want them buying suits and shoes they would never wear again and could ill afford. I spoke to one of her daughters some months later and she said the whole family had agreed that her Mum made the right decision. It’s several weeks before a funeral can be held and just as you are beginning to accept things, you then have a funeral to contend with.

This is interesting, and I am glad not to be the only person who thinks in a similar way. My daughter and I are incredibly close.
I suggested both her and her husband went somewhere that we have visited together and loved and she thought of me /us sitting somewhere beautiful. I suggested on the top of Ben Nevis ! You really don't need to be looking at a coffin to remember. But I will speak to her again.

Like I said we are atheists and the funeral was at the crem . It wasn't a soul destroying place as some think of crem's as it was an old church that had been turned into a crem . The funeral director had been to see us and the eulogy was all about my husband without any god stuff.

While some think crem's are soul destroying they aren't. I have only been to a burial once . My best friends husband's they had a wicker coffin and she just had a shroud on his body . The coffin was beautiful but must have cost a fortune. But burials to me knowing a loved ones body is rotting in the ground fills me with horror. They where never able to have children. And for a year she went to his grave everyday.

We all have different views on death and funerals no view is wrong it's just want you want .

The worse funeral I ever went to was my mother in law's her brother was her executor. Which was a surprise as up until 2 years before she died it was my children. Also she promised my dieing husband her son she would leave her estate between our children. You do not break a promise to a dieing man especially your son but she did and her estate was spilt into 3 her brother having a 3rd. Also she had always promised my daughter her only granddaughter her wedding and engagement rings but her sister in law had them.

She was brought up a Catholic but didn't go to church act as a catholic until her late 80's when the priest went to get home. But I doubt very much she confessed her greatest sin and that's how she treated her own son and and us before and after his death.

She had a requiem mass at church and short service at the crem. But what was funny well to us was my son and I where behind the coffin and the priest flicked water over the coffin twice and hit me in the face . I remember saying to my son I am melting . I could her my daughter and daughter in law behind me laughing.

The service was awful . I had chosen a wreath from us with all her favourite colours. The one her brother put on looked like they had made it as it was made from twigs and holly. And there was a photo of her at his son's wedding on the coffin . She refused to go too her own grandchildren's wedding. Then the priest who took the service didn't know my mother in law and talked about his dead dog.

The wake was awful with people getting drunk. Also her coffin and funeral procession when from the funeral directors not her home. Never been to a funeral that didn't go from the person's home. To me and my children that was disrespectful.

Should say she was in her right mind until she died. She hadn't any signs of dementia. Which makes what she did worse.

GanGan, I don’t think you are being selfish, as your decision was made to save your daughter the pain of a funeral, but having a funeral which you have organised for someone is a way of doing ‘ one last thing’ for your loved one, and being with others who are mourning or can share stories about the person can prove very comforting. So many people are surprised by the number who attend a funeral, both those who have thought highly of the person and friends of theirs who have come to support them.

I have requested a pure cremation which my DD are fine with. I found my mother’s funeral a horrible traumatic experience and looking back I wish I’d have had the courage not to go. Of course this is a very personal thing, I’ve always had a problem with any funeral, I’d much rather the idea of anyone who cared about me went for a nice lunch or something similar.

i don't think you are being selfish, i talked to my son about this and have told him this is what i want and he is okay with it, i said for him and dil to take the kids away that day and make it a celebration, i watched how heartbroken he was at his dads funeral and cremation and i dont want him to go through that again. my mum said i was selfish, but she expects me to arrange her funeral, something i dont want to do. please do what is best for you, after all it is your day.

A few years ago I said exactly the same to my children to save them the distress if sitting through my funeral, however they were appalled with the idea.
They said they needed a funeral service to say their final goodbyes and I quite understand that.
Maybe have a rethink.

silverlining48, a friend of ours specified in his will that he wanted a couple of benches installed in favourite spots.

I have to say it was something of a hassle for his widow, though, liaising with the council or other relevant authority, to get them (finally) in place.

You’re not being selfish HOWEVER, please take into account both your own wishes and that of your immediate families.

I’ve heard horror stories about the “void” left behind where people have opted for pure cremation.

Planning and taking part in a funeral is part of the grieving process, it’s a way of doing something which often bring family and friends together and the time it takes between a death and having a funeral gives many people time to reflect and start the grieving process.

I shall be having “the chat” with my own children, and leave enough cash behind to cover what we all agree should happen, just as both my late parents did.

Take care and good luck

I write as a daughter. My wonderful dad recently decided he wanted a pure cremation, after losing mum a couple of years ago and being horrified at the cost and upset of arranging and attending her funeral.

I, too, was terribly upset at first at his decision and tried to talk him out of it.

However I came to realise that it was his funeral, literally, and should be his decision. There's a tremendous peace of mind for us both and I feel I can respect his wishes.

Have you shown your daughter the literature? Maybe she needs to read it herself and digest it all.

Give her time and space to come to terms with it all. She's probably reacting emotionally (as I did) but needs time. After all, it's not just about a funeral (or not) but about losing you, as well.

Good luck. X

A distant 80-something relation of dh, who had hardly any family, was an out and out atheist. He was cremated, but as we knew in advance, there was to be no service at all.

There were only about 6 of us attending, so we took a couple of bottles of wine and some nice nibbles, and had a little ‘farewell party’ in the chapel - with his coffin on whatever they call it nearby.
There were a lot of cheerful enough reminiscences, and someone had brought some old photos.

I didn’t really know him well at all, but everyone who did said he’d certainly have approved.

We did tell the crem staff what we were going to do (I did wonder whether they wouldn’t like it) but they were absolutely fine with it.

My brother planned his funeral this way and told his only daughter that he wanted no one at the funeral including her. We are a large family and everyone was shocked, horrified and hurt at his decision. As a comprise it was decided that his daughter and our oldest brother would attend. There was no wake but we all gathered for a meal to mark our brother's passing.

At the time I felt my brother was very selfish, not respecting everyone's feelings, especially his daughter who now have lost both parents and was all alone with her thoughts.

After this experience I believe that funerals are for the living. It gives friends and family the opportunity to say goodbye and to remember the happy times. It is an important part of the grieving process and should not be seen as a money saving exercise.

How the funeral is conducted should be a personal wish which can be prearranged. It can also be paid for via insurances. We lost 3 family members to COVID19 and was prepared to tribute towards the funeral arrangements but this was not necessary because each person had insurance to cover the funeral. This made me think and we too now have a will expressing our wishes for the funeral and insurance to cover the costs.

A childless aunt of mine had prepaid her funeral and specified what she wanted - which was a relatively simple C of E service.

She had obviously done it before developing dementia, so we were very grateful to her for her consideration, and for saving us from wondering what she’d have wanted.

My daughter and I had exactly the same conversation. I have now made a list of my favourite quotes, Bible passages, poems. music with some notes about my life (!!) They can use these as they see fit.

Im having a pure cremation, my daughter does not want to really talk about it and my son at first had questions but now seems okay, well obviously as you can be. I hated my mum and my dads funeral which as only child and divorced had to arrange on my own and also believe I will still be a nice presence in my family’s life so don’t want them to see me getting burnt. Everyone does their own thing .

I’m a bit worried about the whole idea of trying to control my own funeral. It’s my businesses how I live my life, but once I’m dead it’s their business how they celebrate me. Maybe let it be known that I’d have no objection to a simple non-ceremony?
But then, a firm ‘no funeral" request frees my family from any social pressure to waste all that money.
Oh, sod it. I’ll be dead. They can do what they want, I won’t know.

My Pure cremation funeral is already paid for
I have discussed it with my three children although they’re not over the moon about the thought of me dying they accept the way I want my funeral to be.
After they have scattered my ashes at a beach I spent a lot of my childhood at,they will then go to a local restaurant to have a slap up meal and raise a glass and that to us is a really personal way to see me off….
I am not religious and I think funeral flowers are a terrible waste of money,there will be a collection for a local charity at my funeral
Each to their own…🤷‍♀️

We are very traditional in our family. DH and I have both paid in advance for a simple funeral service at the crem. Despite me being a (lapsed) Catholic I won't be having the usual church service as none of my family are churchgoers.

As for the importance of a service of some sort, I fought tooth and nail in the years of sex discrimination to improve my qualifications and eventually become an Accountant. My parents never praised me for it and I assumed they weren't impressed. At my dad's funeral two of his ex-workmates told me that the day I qualified he had taken a bottle of whisky into the yard where they worked and they all had a tot to celebrate my success. They told me he was as proud as punch.

I'd never have known that without the funeral. It made such a huge difference to me for the rest of my life.

His old boss was there too - it was wonderful to hear how respected he had been by both management and colleagues, and he was only a builder's labourer.

I'm not saying that everyone should have a funeral, and it is always good to consider those who might find it stressful, but it can be very helpful to get together with people who knew our loved one in a different way to us, and learn interesting things about them.

Not your choice ! You won't be there. Let the family do what they want to remember you.

I try to do all I can to make my family members life’s as pleasant and comfortable as I can whilst I am alive, but when I die they can do whatever they want with regards to the disposal of my bod, whatever is easiest for them to cope with, I do believe it really will not matter to me at all, but will make a huge difference to them!

Having attended the funeral of an old university friend yesterday, it made me think about what music I would want played at mine. It's a difficult thing to discuss with offspring, as no-one wants to think about their parents dying, especially when they are fit and healthy, as I am. I wish it was less of a taboo subject. The one I was at yesterday was planned by my friend and her husband in her final weeks, as she knew her condition was terminal, so it was just as she wanted it.

I don’t understand, Shinamae. Surely with a Pure Cremation there is no funeral at which donations can be collected?

Very difficult. My husband wanted a minimal funeral but in the end we compromised as I knew it would upset me and our family and friends so he chose a family led cremation service (Simplicity) with a basic coffin, no cars, coffin was brought to the crem. before the mourners arrived no flowers, (donations to prostate cancer and the local hospice) although I had a coffin arrangement in his favourite yellow flowers. After that a 'normal service' with our friend ministering it. It was a lovely service (he had written in great detail the hymns, tunes, poems and even his last farewell words). He would have been pleased with it. The company did everything and were very helpful from the telephone call informing them of his death. I have now just finished paying mine off over 12 months at a cost of just over £2000. My girls are happy with my decision and I will leave my chosen songs etc. so less stress for all.

I have told my daughter that I don't want a funeral. Straight to the Crematorium from where I die. Ashes to my favourite beach.