Am I being selfish?

Germanshepherdsmum

I don’t understand, Shinamae. Surely with a Pure Cremation there is no funeral at which donations can be collected?

The family that attend my scattering will have a small collection…

It is your funeral, literally, and I think you should have what you want, for the sound reasons you have given.
If your daughter is not happy, rather than being cross, she can organize it, and pay for it.

I believe that funerals are for the living. My family will do what will comfort them.

I have said for many years that I don't want any sort of funeral just a direct cremation with no attendees. My late DH would never discuss this although in his last few months as he became more and more ill he said he would just go along with my wishes and have the same which is exactly what I did. I think he probably said this to make things easier for me but I still wonder if that was what he would have really preferred. However I think funerals are absolute torture for loved ones and I certainly don't want to put my close family through any such thing. I have my DH's ashes at home with me and have told my DS exactly what I want and that our ashes should be spread or scattered together somewhere. No need for any agonising discussions with celebrants or vicars, no trouble booking a venue for a wake or organising cars, flowers, hymns, eulogy's or attendees just time for true loved ones to grieve in peace.
Good job we're all different.

My father's son was sort of in charge of his terminal care. My father said to his son regarding his funeral "Just do what is most convenient." Nay bother!

my brother in law died when he was very young and the funeral was traumatic. So since then my in-laws died there was no funeral service. no funeral for my brother and it is in our wills not to have any funeral service either.
when my mother died my brother arranged the funeral it he felt obliged ( i was appalled) to invite people who had never even enquired about her during her 4/5 years in a care home let alone visit her. The people attended just to get free food. if your daughter wants to waste her money and mix with horrible people then it is up to her but I agree with you

While working in a hospice we had a lady who had planned her own funeral meticulously, with a cast of thousands, all having been allocated pieces to say, stories to tell, tasks to perform etc. I attended the ‘service’, and some of the speakers looked most uncomfortable, so I’d agree that a funeral should be for those left behind, but taking the wishes of the deceased into account.

My husband and I are donating our bodies to Medical Science, its our body and we should be respected for our decision ... no debate ...

I have a pure cremation plan
I’m sure that when I set it up there were a few options available, from the simplest - take you away, do the cremation and either scatter the ashes, no-one at the crematorium to having people there.
The thing to do is discuss what your family would like to happen and then get in touch with your preferred company and see if they can accommodate your wishes.

Meant to mention that you can have the ashes returned to you or another member of your family.
When my husband died up here in the highlands it was no problem to send his ashes to his sister in Somerset.

My mother's funeral just pre COVID and was huge celebration of her long life. It was a full requiem Mass with masses of flowers (arranged by church flower ladies of which she was one) and a harpist. This was followed by a Catholic burial and doves released at the graveside. Shed have loved it and it gave us all comfort too. However I've recently lost two close friends very suddenly (one to MND) and was not invited to the funeral but a huge memorial celebration and tea party. I'd be gutted if my daughter wanted me cremated with no service but as I'm paying to go into a mausoleum for 50 years this won't arise!

I bought and paid for a direct cremation and then told the kids afterwards. The funeral directors told me that if the family wanted something more then at the time they can make the arrangements and pay fthe difference. My main reason was that I am not prepared to pay the exhorbitant prices of the full works.

They can pay for a party/wake/dinner or whatever out of any cash left in my bank then the rest is to be divided equally between my seven grandchildren. There won't be a huge amount and I think the grandkids will appreciate whatever I can do for them.

No I don’t, I haven’t done anything about it myself either at the moment, but it’s an awful lot of money for a funeral, they could go on a nice holiday with the money as a sort of present from you. We all went on holiday grandchildren and great grandchildren and loads of happy memories to chat about and all together, do what you want.

I have told my daughters and husband I want a direct cremation too. The worst part of my mum’s funeral was seeing the coffin. My Dad had a direct cremation and both their ashes were buried in adjoining plots. For myself I just want the ashes to be sprinkled in a garden etc not buried. The family could have a meal/get together if they wanted.

Cossy

You’re not being selfish HOWEVER, please take into account both your own wishes and that of your immediate families.

I’ve heard horror stories about the “void” left behind where people have opted for pure cremation.

Planning and taking part in a funeral is part of the grieving process, it’s a way of doing something which often bring family and friends together and the time it takes between a death and having a funeral gives many people time to reflect and start the grieving process.

I shall be having “the chat” with my own children, and leave enough cash behind to cover what we all agree should happen, just as both my late parents did.

Take care and good luck

Thank you for understanding my thoughts but I have decided to talk to her again at some point.
Good luck when you have the conversation too 🌺

Jan135

I have told my daughters and husband I want a direct cremation too. The worst part of my mum’s funeral was seeing the coffin. My Dad had a direct cremation and both their ashes were buried in adjoining plots. For myself I just want the ashes to be sprinkled in a garden etc not buried. The family could have a meal/get together if they wanted.

I can so clearly looking everywhere in the church other than at my mother's coffin . We had it completely covered in flowers but nothing can hide the fact of what it contains! Just awful.
We have agreed on what to do with my ashes at least so that's one less thing ...

I agree funerals are for the living, but personally I find them quite helpful. My mother arranged Dad's funeral. It was a very straightforward ceremony at the Crem, 30 minutes of hymns and a prayer and afterwards at the local nearby pub. When Mum passed away we did the same thing. It wasnt overly expensive. My younger brother died 18 months ago and had left notice that he wanted something similar with a couple of music choices. Although I found all the funerals distressing, it was also a great comfort, even though none of us are, or were, religious. I felt it should be distressing when your close relatives pass away and I cried buckets for my brother in particular who was taken far too soon. I found sharing the experience with others helped me a good deal and people who attended were very comforting. Planning the funerals was also quite cathartic and gave me a focus. Of course you never stop missing them, but to some extent the funeral draws a line (particularly now it takes so long to get a slot at the crem) and afterwards I felt it OK to resume normal life. At all the funerals people told me nice things about the deceased which were helpful and I hadnt known before.

You don't have to be religious to have a funeral. You can have a non-religious one, I've been to a few and they're a lot nicer. Maybe your daughter should have whatever she feels she needs to let go of you. After all, you won't be there.

My friend’s aunt was asked when she was very old and ill if she wanted a burial or cremation, and she said “surprise me!”

You won’t be here so why not let your daughter say what would help her with saying her goodbyes. A funeral serves a few purposes. It’s a (final) rite of passage that is given acknowledgment but also a chance for the living to feel the security of the connections they have. Often old friendships are rekindled at funerals and family differences healed.
I understand your desire to save your daughter pain but her response let’s you know that she’s not at all comfortable.

Once you have died your daughter will be able to ignore your wishes and do as she chooses so I can’t see why you are worrying about it. When my mum died I decided not to follow her wishes, partly for the sake of my son who had missed the funerals of previous grand parents. I don’t regret whatI did. I wrote a piece about my mum’s life to be read at her funeral. I found the process very therapeutic and so many people thanked me for the insight into my mum’s life. That was twenty years ago. More recently I’ve spoken at the funerals of two close friends and, in both cases, have found writing, then reading aloud about them helped me to deal with the loss. Funerals are so much more personal now and so much more a celebration of a person’s life. Why would you want to deprive your daughter of this if it’s what she chooses?

You are not being selfish at all, Gangan2. My lovely mum passed away within three weeks of being diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer which had spread last year. None of us, not even Mum, knew she was so ill. Mum and I were incredibly close. She, too, had planned a similar cremation, and had told me about it following my Dad’s even more sudden and unexpected death (3 days of being taken into hospital for investigation) three years previously. I was in bits when she told me but, in reality, she was doing me and my family a great kindness - as you are trying to do for your daughter. Give her time to accept it. Remember, this is your choice; your wishes. My husband and I are planning the same funeral plan now. I was kept busy immediately after she died, but her ashes were spread, with those of her beloved dogs and Dad, in a place they loved. My family all had time to reflect as they each scattered a little of the ashes each, then we all had a picnic. It’s how she wanted it, and it helped us in our own ways too. The hardest part, for me, was clearing her bungalow of all her belongings, her photos, her memories, finding she’d still kept the bootees me and my brother had worn home from the hospital, finding the little ornaments we had bought her, along with our handmade cards to her throughout the years… the worst was sorting out her passwords for access to all the online shops she frequented to close accounts and request removal of her details - and still doing so now! Keep talking to your darling girl, Gangan2, it - and you - means sooo much xx

Everyone is different. Perhaps your daughter will think about your thoughts on your funeral and maybe you can come up with an alternative service which won't cost the earth. The service doesn't have to be at a church or crematorium. It could be in a favourite park or on the beach with friends and family. Your daughter could read a poem, speak about your life. Others could also do the same.
We are having pure cremation. It seems pointless for people to travel to see our coffins. I'd rather see them when I'm still alive!

I'm planning the same, don't want people I've had no contact with for years coming out of the woodwork to say nice things about me when I'm dead. My younger daughter is coming from Australia for a visit with grandchildren this summer and I've decided funeral/wake money is going towards a deposit on a family week away together, better to enjoy with the living and make happy memories for them all, of which I'm a part of.

I go for a daily walk, and up to and around the nearby cemetery as it is the most convenient.
Frankly its a sad place with all the gravestones pushed over by the council.
I regret that I am unable to visit family graves any more as I live too far away and don't drive. This regret is not something that I would want to impose on my children as they too live a fair distance.
So would much prefer a simple cremation with no service.