Problem with grandchildren

What a terrible thing to say! I'm so sorry. Your grandchildren are not children any more, they are old enough to think for themselves. They also know what sort of person their father is. Let them know you are there for them and let them decide for themselves.

I wouldn’t worry Littleannie. At that age kids are too busy living and finding their places in this world and I would be sure it isn’t personal. I remember I never dealt with my grandparents and barely with my parents at that age! I wouldn’t take it personally. ( hug )

I texted my grandchildren a week ago saying I would like to see them to give them something which would be to their advantage. I didn't say what it was.

This part to me sounds like you’re playing games. Why not just say that you’d like to give them some money?

I agree with Glorianny and Jewelle. We have no idea what has gone on before.
I would step back. Put the money in a high interest account and wait until they are older. Leave it to them in your will as you "loved and played with them" and they are your GC.

I think I'd leave it in a high interest account and wait and see if they come to see you. If they don't, I would write them a letter for when you have passed on to say how much you loved and missed them but 'their' money will now go to whatever charity you stipulate in your will.
It would take very little out of their lives to call in to see you particularly as you made the request - if they have lost out - then sadly that is the decision they made.
Your stepchildren are having the advantages of financial help now with you and your DH having the joy that this will bring. But your GCs may miss out on something they now could desperately need but life can be a bitch at times.
You may yet see them in a few days, weeks or even a year - so maybe just wait and see - after all it's only been a week since you messaged them.

Your GC are now adults and can make their own decisions but they might have a mindset influenced by their father. You have reached out to them and haven’t got very far leave it for now.

Regarding your son he obviously has issues which no amount of time will improve. You got the brunt of his abuse which must have been heart breaking. There are problems there that you cannot heal so leave well alone and concentrate on your own life.

swampy that sounds an awful lot like revenge

Yes. Cruel.

Yes quite vicious replies. Whst does it matter where your money goes when you are dead. They are your GC.

Life is so short to carry such cruel thoughts.
Just step back.

Thank you to those who posted sympathetic comments. To those who posted cruel comments - you have no idea what it's like to be in such a situation. I shall not be responding to you.

Littleannie

Thank you to those who posted sympathetic comments. To those who posted cruel comments - you have no idea what it's like to be in such a situation. I shall not be responding to you.

Sometimes you just have to be able to look at the situation objectively

People here are able to do that for you, I wouldn't discount it because it isn't what you wanted to hear... These relationships matter

Littleannie

Thank you to those who posted sympathetic comments. To those who posted cruel comments - you have no idea what it's like to be in such a situation. I shall not be responding to you.

I don’t think anyone has posted cruel comments. Glorianny has pointed out that the grandchildren have been put in a difficult position, and I agree with her. They don’t know why you want to see them, and they probably know that going will upset their father. It’s not their fault that he said awful things to you - that is between you and him.

You asked what people thought, but say you won’t respond to posters who haven’t agreed with you that there are different ways to look at this sad situation. That’s never a good sign.

Maybe take a step back and look at how the grandchildren might be feeling? They don’t really know you (and I’m not saying that’s their fault), so why would they upset their father by coming to see you without knowing why? You know that you’d planned to give them money, so you are hurt at their rejection. But you didn’t tell them, so they are not refusing to see you despite your offer. Why didn’t you tell them of your plans? It does come across as manipulative to me, as does refusing to acknowledge posts that don’t back you up.

Maybe start again? Tell them of your plans and point out that you don’t want them to be drawn into a feud with your son, so there will be no strings attached- and mean it.

Could I suggest you ask yourself why you want to give them money? You say ‘ it has been agreed’, which makes me wonder if it’s your husband’s idea, to keep things fair.
If it’s simply because they are the grandchildren you ‘loved and played with’, then I’d give it now, no strings attached. If it’s in the hope that they will resume contact, then I wouldn’t bother.

I would agree with most posters that you put the money in a high interest account. I can see why you would want to be fair with them and that you have happy memories of time spent with them as children. They will also have those memories but they will be mitigated by whatever has happened since then. Maybe when they are older they will make contact again but you can't rely on that.. meanwhile just step back and see whether they make contact again.

I also agree that you could have been more open and honest when you contacted them.. not made vague references to your proposed gift.. and maybe you should just give it now having offered.. regardless of their response.

VioletSky

swampy that sounds an awful lot like revenge

Agreed. People shouldn’t give gifts with strings attached and this is no exception. Of course op is free too. Ot gift the money as grandchildren don’t seem to want a relationship and obviously they’re entitled to not big but then just don’t give it to them. A post Motum “I wanted to give you xx and now won’t” is petty and poor behavior

It doesn't seem that strings are attached.

Who would think wanting to treat your grandchildren could be such a minefield.

MissAdventure

It doesn't seem that strings are attached.

Who would think wanting to treat your grandchildren could be such a minefield.

The possible strings are that they were supposed to arrange to meet someone who is estranged from their father for an unspecified reason. That could have caused problems for them with their dad, and 'you may learn something to your advantage' could mean anything - how are they supposed to decide what to do?

If the OP is even thinking about not giving them the money because they haven't made contact in a week, it's easy to think that there would be expectations if she gave them a cash gift.

If not, and it's just about wanting to treat them, then there is still a chance to start again if it is made very clear that this will be a gift, with nothing expected from them.

Yes The way thjs was handled comes across as manipulative- “meet me a bout something that may be advantageous to you”. Why not just state your purpose unless it was some sort of test to see if they’d meet you? Perhaps that wasn’t ops intent. But it definitely could come across this way.

My strings attached comment was about the previous poster who suggested leaving it in the will as you wouldn’t come see me and could have had xx among and now it goes to charity / that’s petty. And clearly involved money that has strings attached

That's horrendous of your son even if there has been difficulty between you.

The grandchildren may surely be poisoned by their father's opinion of you and are probably not sure quite sure how to respond. Mixed loyalties?

It's not their fault.

I would do nothing more and if they do come to you, you could perhaps say you wanted to tell them you will be putting money into their bank accounts at a later date.

The temptation to write and say sorry You couldn’t find time to visit. I’ve donated xxxxx in your name to the local dogs home. That would really set the cat amongst the pigeons!

Your grandchildren have lost their mother and are living with your son, who sounds like seriously hard work. Your note to them could have been taken by your son as an attempt to bribe them and they are very unsure what to do next.

Perhaps put the money into a savings account for them. Let them know it’s there and that they can collect it if and when they need it. I would apologise for any additional hurt and point out that it wasn’t your intention to cause additional pain.

Glorianny

Iam64

Gloryannie I’m shocked at your insensitive comments. There’s no suggestion of trying to buy grandchildren, more to maintain contact with family the OP loves
There’s family fall outs but wishing your mother dead says more about the person who said this thsn the one it was directed to

The son's comments are absolutely nothing to do with the grandchildren, so are largely irrelevant, except they elicit sympathy for the poster. It doesn't matter what was said, it doesn't matter who was at fault, it doesn't matter what caused the split. There are two young people here who are being used in a battle between two people both of whom should know better. It isn't fair on them. The sensible and adult thing to do is to step back and not expect them to choose.

The grandchildren are adults, 22 and 19 respectively. Do you want their grandmother to infantilise them?

They also haven't been asked to choose anything as far as I can see except whether they want some money or not. Pretty simple question for two adults really.

They weren't told that money was involved, unless I've misunderstood, so there was no simple question for people of any age.

The response to the fact that the granddaughter replied was 'surprise surprise', which is a strange attitude. It doesn't sound as though the relationship works well going either way, to be honest.

Couple of nasty replies from a couple of posters which you should just ignore, you did nothing manipulative, they are your grandchildren, your son unfortunately a piece of work. Others have given good advice, don’t contact again, put the money by then if you’ve heard nothing when you feel ready, spend it on a grand holiday for you and your lovely husband, make a new will and leave it to who will appreciate it. You never know your gc might see their father for what he is.

Allsorts

Couple of nasty replies from a couple of posters which you should just ignore, you did nothing manipulative, they are your grandchildren, your son unfortunately a piece of work. Others have given good advice, don’t contact again, put the money by then if you’ve heard nothing when you feel ready, spend it on a grand holiday for you and your lovely husband, make a new will and leave it to who will appreciate it. You never know your gc might see their father for what he is.

This is a nasty reply isn't it?

Aren't comments like this nasty?

Littleannie I am sorry you heard that comment from your son.

With regard to your grandchildren, I would you suggest you get honestly clear in your mind what it is you actually want/what your priorities are:

Is it:
*to try to sustain a relationship with your adult grandchildren? If so is money a way to create that after 5 years? How might they see it?
*Is it just to give them money with or without a future relationship?
*is "annoying" your son somewhere in those motives/emotions?
*is "winning" back contact regardless of your son a part of it?
*something else?
*why did you say "surprise surprise" re your granddaughters reply? Did that relate to a view about her and being grasping or greedy re mention of "to your advantage" or something else? If so is that related to past events with her/your grandchildren/your son?

No need to answer those questions, they are just for you to consider and anything else honestly relevant. I'm not trying to complicate things or upset you but I think you need to be clear about your own motives and what you want in order to decide what to do

I do think that the way you worded your message was unfortunate in the context of not seeing them for so long. I'm not sure if you had previously just invited them round to see you and to be interested and maybe had no response? Was the "advantage" comment to provide an "incentive"?

Maybe It would have been better to just invite them round "for a catch up" and to show interest in their lives and plans rather than offering incentives that can be seen as manipulating them?

I hope you can find a way forward that you and they are comfortable with