Problem with grandchildren

LittleAnnie hasn't seen her grandchildren since before covid, though, despite her texting and trying to stay in touch.

I would think they'll suddenly respond to an invite for a catch up.

I wouldn't think....

VioletSky

Allsorts

Couple of nasty replies from a couple of posters which you should just ignore, you did nothing manipulative, they are your grandchildren, your son unfortunately a piece of work. Others have given good advice, don’t contact again, put the money by then if you’ve heard nothing when you feel ready, spend it on a grand holiday for you and your lovely husband, make a new will and leave it to who will appreciate it. You never know your gc might see their father for what he is.

This is a nasty reply isn't it?

Aren't comments like this nasty?

I would say so, yes.

Madgran77

Littleannie I am sorry you heard that comment from your son.

With regard to your grandchildren, I would you suggest you get honestly clear in your mind what it is you actually want/what your priorities are:

Is it:
*to try to sustain a relationship with your adult grandchildren? If so is money a way to create that after 5 years? How might they see it?
*Is it just to give them money with or without a future relationship?
*is "annoying" your son somewhere in those motives/emotions?
*is "winning" back contact regardless of your son a part of it?
*something else?
*why did you say "surprise surprise" re your granddaughters reply? Did that relate to a view about her and being grasping or greedy re mention of "to your advantage" or something else? If so is that related to past events with her/your grandchildren/your son?

No need to answer those questions, they are just for you to consider and anything else honestly relevant. I'm not trying to complicate things or upset you but I think you need to be clear about your own motives and what you want in order to decide what to do

I do think that the way you worded your message was unfortunate in the context of not seeing them for so long. I'm not sure if you had previously just invited them round to see you and to be interested and maybe had no response? Was the "advantage" comment to provide an "incentive"?

Maybe It would have been better to just invite them round "for a catch up" and to show interest in their lives and plans rather than offering incentives that can be seen as manipulating them?

I hope you can find a way forward that you and they are comfortable with

This is perfectly put madgran, and what I was getting at in my own posts. If her intents weren’t to us the advantage to gain some sort of leverage than it was just poorly worded - but if that was part of it she needs to examine her own motives with herself first so as to protect her own heart and interests and have the best chances for success

MissAdventure

LittleAnnie hasn't seen her grandchildren since before covid, though, despite her texting and trying to stay in touch.

I would think they'll suddenly respond to an invite for a catch up.

You may well be right MisAdventure. My question on that was just a question for Little Annie to consider and answer for herself whilst she decides what to do. Hopefully she will find a way forward that works positively for all concerned

Has there ever been a post on GN where someone is talking about a personal issue/problem and we haven't only heard 'one side of the story'? That always seems such a ridiculous comment to make.

The OP's GC and/or son are hardly likely to come onto GN and give us their side of the story are they.

They aren’t. But that doesn’t mean that suggesting that the OP might want to think about how their approach might be perceived is being ‘nasty’. It might help to move the situation on a bit if people don’t get entrenched in their indignation.

If someone posts it’s fair to assume they are asking for help, and it’s not always helpful to tell them that they are right and everyone else is wrong when there could be another way to look at things.

I agree Doodledog, but stating we only get one side of the story to me is stating the obvious and depending on how it's conveyed, can appear to imply that the truth is not being told.

Littleannie My wonderful husband (second marriage), wants to give a cash gift to his 3 children, as it would benefit them now rather than waiting till we die. It has been agreed that I should give a like amount to my 2 grandchildren, obviously nothing for my son. I texted my grandchildren a week ago saying I would like to see them to give them something which would be to their advantage. I didn't say what it was.

Two of our grandchildren received money from a grandmother they'd never met. They each did use it 'now' - each to pay mortgage. No mortgage, mid 30s, is a good thing, in my opinion.

Your heart is in the right place, your wording was abysmal. Perhaps just send them each the intended money? No strings, just a gift.

People's perceptions of the same thing can be entirely different. Couple with that and people believing their mistreatment of someone is "justified" and we get into very tricky territory.

It would always be very useful to know how the other person perceived things when replying to these threads... but we don't get that. Sometimes we do get signs that behaviour is not healthy from the side we are hearing and for me, I feel it is the right thing to do to address that with them

These relationships matter

I am sure some people prefer to come and spill their situation and get nothing but love and support but I don't think that is particularly healthy either... Sometimes what is needed is the truth

So then we just have individuals replying and trying to help in their own ways and I think it is a mistake to brand them "nasty" just because we don't personally like the delivery...

“People’s perceptions do vary.”sometimes what is needed”
True Violet but as perceptions vary, one persons truth can be another persons report button with claims of bullying

Quite so Iam and often it's not what is said but how it's said that can make the difference between well intended advice/opinion that may not be agreed with, and plain nastiness.

Sorry for missing out “truth” from my post. I’ve an injury that makes typing hard

Oh poor you. Hope you get better soon

Iam64

“People’s perceptions do vary.”sometimes what is needed”
True Violet but as perceptions vary, one persons truth can be another persons report button with claims of bullying

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean

I do.

Germanshepherdsmum

I do.

Could you explain?

Apologies for mis typing. I hope this explains

*peoples perceptions do vary. Sometimes what is needed is truth”
True Violet but as perceptions vary, one persons truth can be another persons report button with complaints of bullying

Iam64

Apologies for mis typing. I hope this explains

*peoples perceptions do vary. Sometimes what is needed is truth”
True Violet but as perceptions vary, one persons truth can be another persons report button with complaints of bullying

From the OP?

Ah I see, some people sadly do view being disagreed with as being bullied

Littleannie, I hope you've decided, using some of the good advice here, to give generously without strings attached?

I do know our granddaughters were truly pleased to be given gifts. And the gifts seemingly have made a difference now.

Keep the money for yourself and DH go on holiday do something you have always wanted to do. Spend it on yourself enjoy your life. Treat yourself and don't hold back. You are not close to those family members so live your life without them. You only live once.