New baby, different ideas.

The baby’s mum

Another expectations is your downfall situation.

It is honestly very sad to read another thread where people are unable to adjust to other ways of things, how times and standards change.

The birth of a baby is not a social event. It is a medical event, centered around the nuclear family, not anybody else forget they are adults and want to claim what is not theirs (visits to baby, spread the good news, cuddles, bond with the newborn, etc)

I lived very far away from my parents and in consequence did not see my mum for several weeks after the birth of my first child. I would have given anything to be able to share this special time with her. My parents in law travelled to visit me in hospital the day after and MIL was a dear! She was so excited after the birth of her first GC but did not take over at all, enquiring about me first, fussing in a nice way and holding off grabbing the baby (although she was longing to!). I’d had a difficult birth and was quite unwell and I so appreciated her kindness. The births of my children are just about the only times in my life I felt ‘special’ and I treasure the memories. I wish it had been my mum though! Just shows, everyone is so different and I think that care might be taken to accommodate the hopes of all without making anyone feel unnecessarily excluded. Or am I being too optimistic here?!

How is sending a picture of the baby's foot expounded by experts, exactly? 🤭

My daughter lives 250 miles away and when she gave birth she phoned within twenty minutes asking us to come straight away! They were so excited and proud and wanted to show their beautiful baby daughter to us. The other in laws arrived soon after and it was a wonderful time. We all got to hold her as well.

It a nasty new trend and just more of this preciousness
They ll be very quick to want a visit when they need a babysitter

My best friend has the same with her first Granddaughter. Not one member of the family was allowed to see the baby for 6 weeks. Apparently new mum and baby had to get into a routine first.
I’m sorry but I don’t understand, I have seen all my 3 Grandchildren within 24 hours of them being born, in fact I was with my daughter when my first granddaughter was born.
I hope your friend doesn’t have to wait too long for her cuddles. x

I can well understand the move away from grandparents who are overpowering, and consider a new grandchild as if it belongs to them, as well as the need to establish a routine (of sorts)

All the rest, I think is a load of old codswallop. (Another old word)

I agree MissA especially with your use of the word codswallop .

I agree the new baby is the parents. It’s also part of the extended family. Some new parents eh! Me me me!
Let the family have a chance to see the baby. The daddy could take care of time - always have boundaries regarding time but for pity sake show them the baby. It’s their blood too.

How very strange...my daughter could'nt wait to let us see my grandaughter..Pictures sent within hours, only her dad and big brother were allowed in hospital as it was during Covid. Seen her as soon as.....as I was in my daughter's 'bubble'... Nothing of not telling anyone or no pics or not seeing her... Very strange.

Does anyone remember the little cards you could get to send to people when your baby was born?

In insert to put a photo in, and the baby's name, weight, and time of birth.

My son rang me in the evening with the news. The next day I went on a 4 hour journey to see my 3rd grandson. Both parents were tired so I sat with the baby for a few hours. The other grand parents did not visit for a week and have remained distant from him which causes grief to both parents.

I had to wait to see my first grandchild. I cried for days. Still have that as a painful memory. Yes I now see her regularly but the initial intro was slow to come. She saw the local shopkeepers before me. Cruel xx

38 years ago my MIL was throwing a tantrum as I wouldn't allow her to be let in the room when I was giving birth! Her darling only son was also pleading with me for her to be there. No chance.
She was telling everyone that her son 'delivered the baby'. He most certainly did not. He couldn't get out of there fast enough. I had a lovely chat and laugh with the young Doctor sewing me up post episiotomy. I even remember his name Dr Bob Sheriff!

Both my daughters wanted two weeks to bond with their babies. There were photos and WhatsApp video calls. When we did get to visit they were relieved to see us and glad to hand the baby over so they could get some sleep. I think there is this idea about "cocooning" with the baby which is fine if there is someone to do all the household chores. Before most babies were born in hospital, new mothers had a" lying in" period of up to six weeks where female family members took over the running of the house. I'm sure many new mums would welcome that kind of help.

Maybe this trend toward isolation and boundary protection is spreading from the US? It is commonplace with new mothers here to strictly establish boundaries with "visitors" (generally anyone other than mum's mum is not allowed near the newborn for weeks/months). There's a whole thread over on mumsnet right now about father's parents who went to visit, cooked, brought cake, fixed something at the house and still were not allowed to hold the new grandbaby. The mother's mum and her sister were there holding the baby the whole time! The responses ranged from GP's are not entitled to hold the baby and mom is closer to her mom so therefore it's appropriate to they should've asked to hold the baby they came to visit. There are so many negative posts on FB (and mumsnet) about keeping GP away, boundary setting, not sharing info to "protect" the family. It is definitely a different attitude than what was commonplace in all prior generations up to this time. Heavily promoted on social media as a time to "bond" and new parents are constantly bombarded with the idea of extreme negativity of "outsiders" (their parents) opinions and warned to establish boundaries with in-laws from the pregnancy stage. So many of my friends have been excluded from being around grandchildren or completely estranged over something silly that grandparents tend to do (give a treat, watch a movie, etc). It is definitely a generational change that is largely social media driven as this generation is the first to have virtually every thought dictated by the telephone in their hands. The interesting part to figure out is who is behind it and what is to be gained by separating adult children from their own parents? The younger generation is massively influenced by social media so my guess would be to start there. They didn't come up with this protocol on their own - it's been fed to them in the way that all propaganda is distributed now.

Mamasperspective, you have it spot on. With my 1st my mil turned up and was so overexcited she had a dizzy spell and had to stay in bed and be cared for bus for days as she was too wobbly to manage the stairs. I'm definitely in favour of the new parents deciding the boundaries as they are the most important bonds the baby will make. I assume the post isn't about an abusive/ controlling relationship which is different.

Greenfinch

I was in hospital for a week after each of my children were born and would have hated it if friends and family had not come to visit.

I was too but 10 days with each of them and loved every minute. Being fed & watered and no baby at night, to me it was wonderful. We did not have any GPs my husband did not have any they had both died and mine lived abroad, it was bliss and how it should be to me. Surely it is up to them & dad to decide when they are ready for visitors. Every couple must be different. I am so pleased I did not have to decide one way or another as there was no choice. We lived in the sticks and had only been there a couple of months, so neighbours did not visit either. I think the first visitor was 3 weeks after birth and I would have hated I sooner. We did however tell all my family who all live abroad instantly. My parents visited for 2 weeks 3 times a year all their life, so the children saw them as much an other grandparents see theirs and bonded perfectly well with them on their first visit. Give it time and all will be well.

I mean the fact that even with this most limited information the new grandparents couldn’t be bothered r abide by their requests (not to tell outside of family) and now we are all here discussion it it doesn’t shock me that they’re not being overly included. Imagine if the new parents find out they’ve been complaining to all of sundry about it? What an awful way to show you respect your adult children as parents.

Perhaps the new mum has had a difficult birth, or the baby has medical concerns. Perhaps they just want a few days peace - whatever the reason starting off by violating the one thing they’ve asked of you isn’t a good way to move forward and show a trustworthy relationship

I am with you win. Because of complications I had to go to the main hospital for the birth and then was sent to the local cottage hospital where the food and care was second to none. We were called to the nursery to feed the baby at night but then we could sleep undisturbed .We were helped to feed and bath the baby and friendships were made with the other new mums which continued post hospital. I could not have had this experience with the next two babies without the help of my mother who came to hold the fort and cook at home. DH was a teacher and so was only able to take one day off for the actual birth. I feel I was eased gently into motherhood and did not need the bonding time that new mums seem to need now.

And as little as five years later, when some parents get "new partners", itself fine to leave their children with them, and its overreacting to be concerned that they hardly know the person.

If , and it's a big if, the parents have any concerns about their baby Grams then why not say so? The mother's parents and the father's parents would want to know so they could offer support.

Telling first time GP's not to share their good news that they're now GP's is at least controlling and yes, that little baby is their GC, and not just the parents child.

How on earth did we all manage before we had “boundaries”? Common sense perhaps?

Smileless2012

If , and it's a big if, the parents have any concerns about their baby Grams then why not say so? The mother's parents and the father's parents would want to know so they could offer support.

Telling first time GP's not to share their good news that they're now GP's is at least controlling and yes, that little baby is their GC, and not just the parents child.

Eh. I don’t see grandparents as being that important. They simply don’t hold a flame to the babies actual
Parents. I’m a grandma - to seven now even and while I cherish them and love them I recognize that they are their parents and it’s simply not my business to know anything they don’t want to or aren’t ready to share. The grandparents can WANT all sorts of things but it’s up to the parents to share what they want when they want. And if the grands find respecting their rights to privacy or to announce things how they see fit , to hard I imagine they’ll soon find themselves being told only when a a general public announcement has been made. They were wrong to share this with a friend when asked specifically not too, and I’m afraid it will have consequences for them going forward should they be found out. Perhaps the reason no photo was given was because the new parents had concerns already that they’d keep it to themselves