New baby, different ideas.

You are making far too much of this.

I know we did things differently, as did the generations prior to us, but today expectant mothers are told repeatedly that it is best for the new parents and child to be alone together without visits from grandparents, aunts, uncles, prospective godparents etc. as parents and child need time to bond, and the mother especially needs time to get over the natural tiredness consequent upon the physical strain of giving birth.

It isn't called labour just for fun, you know.

They have told you the weight and sex of the child and when the baby was born. If they had added the old, conventional phrase "mother and child doing well" it would have been nice, but they didn't.

Don't spoil a happy occasion by being hurt, or when you do see the new arrival making comments upon how the parents wanted to announce the birth.

Try to accept that this is how it is done today - we may not like it, but our parents and parents-in-law were not always thrilled with our decisions either.

My paternal grandmother, on being told that my elder brother was unlikely to live and that my mother wanted him christened, remarked that that was totally unnecessary, a remark that my mother, holding her newly christened dying son found unforgivable and certainly never forgot.

So please do take care what you say.

HelterSkelter1

I love the idea of sending pictures of body parts...like a jigsaw. Eventually you will get the whole baby assembled.

MissAdventure brilliant.

Gransnet wasn’t the same when MissAdventure went ‘AWOL’ It’s been so good to have her back,

I think this could also be that new parents are quite strict about preventing infections, especially after the Covid epidemic.

I was 39 when i had my daughter, both my parents had passed and i had 1 older sister with 4 kids [2 of which were stepkids. I had a mother & father in law. Visitors came & went while i was in hospital, all fine - except MIL saw our daughter as 'her grandaughter' first and foremost & that's what was to be celebrated - er sorry, not happening. Even the christening was all about how happy she was that she'd got a granddaughter. She drove me nuts for the next 4 years, all her ideas/wishes were for us to fall in with - like excuse me but everyone has a 'yes ok or no thanks' option to any question/suggestion so why does the arrival of the baby suddenly change that option - it doesn't and it never will.

I left my husband and his precious mother when DD was 4 - he put her wants and needs above everything and that was his downfall. She now lives with him so that's them 2 sorted.

Love the post about sending a pic of your own foot MissA .

Well I was glad to have my mum around for numbers two and three I was totally alone overseas for number 1
All my children had their children in other parts of the world but the two in Europe quickly asked me over and I loved helping …the partners/ husbands seemed happy to have help and all my children are close with my grandchildren so it doesn’t seem to have made any problems for anyone

A new mum has maybe been a couple of days in labour, hardly slept for days, maybe can't sit comfortably, and has sore nipples, bleeding and sometimes leaking onto their nightgown,the baby is just getting used to the outside world, at least in many grans' postnatal days it they gave birth in a nursing home or hospital, visiting was limited, rest periods were protected, meals and drinks were brought . If you'd had a section you were kept in for 10-14 days while you healed .
I only got a few days in hospital, my in-laws came immediately I got home still tired and sore and didn't understand the concept of helping a new mum. At least my parents brought food and a friend dropped off some lovely stew
Nowadays when we know better we do better, new mums are encouraged to be the one to feed their baby even if they have decided to bottlefeed, as it's better for the baby. But visitors can make mum a drink and a snack! But that's not as popular is it

Sixty years ago we had ten days in hospital, support to establish breast feeding and only had the baby to worry about, with visiting strictly limited so that new mums weren’t exhausted and went home in a fairly fit state having had a fair amount of sleep and meals put in front of us. Much tougher now and I can see that settling in with a new baby needs few if any visitors, however well intentioned. Over twenty years ago I waited for the summons from DD and DSiL to go and stay and cook, answer the door, make tea for visitors and feed the washing machine. The summons came three days after they got home when it was clear that help would be appreciated. My reward was to give DGD her first bath!

If someone has a sore "underneath" how does that mean that they can't use the camera on their phone?

Thankyou MissAdventure for properly reading and understanding my OP.
It was nothing to do with overbearing visitors or passing on germs, it was about not sending photographs to new GP’s or allowing them to put their head round the door to say hello, and take flowers and gifts for several days.

If I’d pushed an entire human being out of my vagina, you’d better believe I’m not answering the phone until I damn well feel like it.

The new Father had pushed nothing out of his undercarriage, he was perfectly capable of using a phone camera

annsixty

The new Father had pushed nothing out of his undercarriage, he was perfectly capable of using a phone camera

He was capable. These new parents have chosen not too and that’s their right. Unlike the whining complaining entitled grandparents who couldn’t even be bothered to respect the one thing they’ve thus far been asked - not to spread the news of baby’s arrival beyond family. Is it any wonder they’re not being forthcoming with photos and invites.

Grandparents are entitled to whine, after all, who pushed their sons and daughters out in the first place.

As yet, I think even grandparents have free speech.

When DS was born MiL travelled down to Cornwall to look after DH and DD (I was induced so she didn't have to come until I was going into hospital) I sent home after 48 hours and MiL immediately had one of her funny turns so I was left with the new baby and a toddler while MiL drifted round the house apologising. DH had escaped to work.

annsixty

Thankyou MissAdventure for properly reading and understanding my OP.
It was nothing to do with overbearing visitors or passing on germs, it was about not sending photographs to new GP’s or allowing them to put their head round the door to say hello, and take flowers and gifts for several days.

The new parents didn’t want visitors though. They didn’t want to send photos, have heads popped around doors to say hello.

Why because they’ve had a baby are their wants and needs seen as less than those of the grandparents?

I think there are two schools of thought on this thread - those grandparents who liked and appreciated help when they were new parents and those who felt they wanted to begin as new parents without others and on their own terms.

I confess I was one of this latter group and had asked for no visitors in the first couple of weeks - but my (truly loving and kind) parents "popped in" from 100 miles away in spite of our request.

It means that I understand that some new families have their own ideas about how they would like the first days with a new baby to be and don't judge them for wanting to be alone any more than I'd judge them for wanting help.

I think we should respect their choice and do our very best to put our own grandparent-y feelings aside. We had our opportunity 20,30,40,50,60 years ago... this time is theirs.

MissAdventure

Grandparents are entitled to whine, after all, who pushed their sons and daughters out in the first place.

As yet, I think even grandparents have free speech.

Well we are entitled to do a lot of things that are rather unbecoming. And won’t win us any favors. But of course they have free speech and can choose to whine and complain. But when the result is that their adult children chose to not see them , invite them around. And in this case send photos they’ll have no one to blame but themselves for the lack of respect they showed

NotSpaghetti

I think there are two schools of thought on this thread - those grandparents who liked and appreciated help when they were new parents and those who felt they wanted to begin as new parents without others and on their own terms.

I confess I was one of this latter group and had asked for no visitors in the first couple of weeks - but my (truly loving and kind) parents "popped in" from 100 miles away in spite of our request.

It means that I understand that some new families have their own ideas about how they would like the first days with a new baby to be and don't judge them for wanting to be alone any more than I'd judge them for wanting help.

I think we should respect their choice and do our very best to put our own grandparent-y feelings aside. We had our opportunity 20,30,40,50,60 years ago... this time is theirs.

Beautifully put not spaghetti.

“^this time is theirs ^”

Precisely. To read this n here at times you’d think some of these grandparents believe they are at least as equally important and deserving as the parents, if not more so. As if they’re becoming a grandparent holds a flame to the people becoming parents. It’s truly mind blowing

I also think not wanting others "around you" for a while as a new family has no bearing on how much you love them and they love you.

My parents loved me beyond measure and were loved deeply in return... but they just couldn't quite accept that we wanted to be alone as a new family - and that "alone" meant we didn't want "popping-in" on.

I was not able to turn them away on the day after the birth of our first baby (and they became much loved grandparents) but neither have I forgotten that they ignored our wishes nearly half a century ago.

This desire to "hunker-down" as a tiny new family is not caused by fashion or social media (though I realise it may be encouraged by it) - but there have probably always been a few of us who are "greedy" enough to want this very precious time to ourselves.

Depends who they whine to, Grams2five.

As long as they accommodate what the parents decide, then they can moan, whine, sigh, rant, be sad, or anything else they want to, to their friends, or on an anonymous site.

@MissAdventure wow! If ever there was a ridiculous comment on the internet, yours is it. So a new mother is sore so why can't she use the camera on her phone? How about because she is prioritising bonding with HER child that SHE just gave birth to and who needs her. She's exhausted, dealing with physical issues, hormonal imbalances, watching every breath her baby takes, often trying to establish breastfeeding and settling into a new family dynamic. Anyone who does not live in their household is not a priority because the new parents (in particular the new mum) have a more important job to do than have a mini photoshoot to pacify the grandparents. Genuinely astounded by your response! Just sounds really entitled when we're taking about expectations on a woman who has often been in labour for a very long time then has often been discharged within 24 hours. Don't understand ANY issue with everyone else just waiting patiently (as they should)

Not wanting any visitors is fare enough but not sending a photo so the GP's can see what their GC looks like and expecting GP's not to tell anyone their new GC has safely arrived is ridiculous.

I posted earlier on this thread and asked what GP's are supposed to do when asked if their GC's been born yet; lie!!!

Mamasperspective

@MissAdventure wow! If ever there was a ridiculous comment on the internet, yours is it. So a new mother is sore so why can't she use the camera on her phone? How about because she is prioritising bonding with HER child that SHE just gave birth to and who needs her. She's exhausted, dealing with physical issues, hormonal imbalances, watching every breath her baby takes, often trying to establish breastfeeding and settling into a new family dynamic. Anyone who does not live in their household is not a priority because the new parents (in particular the new mum) have a more important job to do than have a mini photoshoot to pacify the grandparents. Genuinely astounded by your response! Just sounds really entitled when we're taking about expectations on a woman who has often been in labour for a very long time then has often been discharged within 24 hours. Don't understand ANY issue with everyone else just waiting patiently (as they should)

I feel just the same way about your comment.

Just as well we aren't mum and daughter in law, isn't it?

Unless pressing one button on a phone somehow makes someone's fanny sore, I don't see the problem.

You do you, though.

Much depends on the relationship you've had previously with the new parents. I was fortunate to be able to hold and cuddle all my GC just after they were born. Although I am the paternal granny, I had got to know the mums well when they were getting together with my sons and still count them as friends. I was the first to know when my DGD was expecting my DGGD and the first to be told 'Granny, it's a girl'. She and her partner have raised my DGGD (now nearly 2) to welcome the company of friends and relations. As a result, she is a happy and friendly toddler. I don't think any of my GC have suffered from being, from the start, part of a wider family.