Please don't tell me to count my blessings, I have too many to list.
However I am mournful about life passing and my inability to take part in much. I have a chronic spine / nerve / orthopaedic condition. When it is quiet I have low level pain I can ignore and can do many daily activities as long as I don't walk too far, lift anything heavy, kneel, bend too much, or do anything unusual. When in an acute episode (as now) it's so painful it is immobilising.
It started with early (50) hip replacement (? genetic), too large & at an incorrect angle. Active rehabilitation unwittingly made it worse, my body adjusted by twisting my spine, inflaming muscles and affected nerves leading to periodic disabling spasms and chronic stiffness / tension.
An attempt 20 years later to remedy this with a hip revision op went wrong, causing catastrophic femoral nerve damage (not able to safely stand/walk, awful nerve pain). It didn't help the presenting problem. The femoral nerve mostly regenerated after a year (what a year, using a walker, learning to drive with the "wrong" leg, tolerating nerve pain) but the cumulative impact on my muscular skeletal self is life restricting. The "good leg" developed arthritis from over use, knee exercises hold back a replacement op. Pain killers are restricted due to a heart arrhythmia.
I have health envy, I long to stride on a long walk, kneel and bend to garden, carry a grandchild, lift household objects. I feel as though I have been losing bits of my life cut by cut.
Ironically I look fine - small mercy - only a little overweight, I don't mind white hair.
I have some good short holiday plans but cannot travel during an episode, and can't ever carry a case. I am in mourning. I know my body will only deteriorate. My friends are often fitter but also are dying. I don't need advice - I have excellent clinical advice - but wonder if there is solidarity among you?
To be clear, I have moments of joy but also so much sadness. Excuse long post.
.Patronising comments about mature love
