Respect

Or maybe some like me are a bit confused by the post.
‘Narc’ First of all I thought it meant the step-father was a drug addict (narcotics) but now I see the abbreviation is for narcisssist.

keeping quiet

I read through many threads, but if I don’t feel I can contribute anything useful, or I have no wisdom to offer on said subject, I ‘keep quiet’. Or try to!

Perhaps that’s why some threads generate more replies, others maybe feel the same?

I am surprised there haven't been more responses to this. I have noticed that some threads get lots of replies and others very few.

A couple of things bother me here and this is because I am also a grandma and there someone involved in my grandchild's life we could label a narcissist- someone with a load of issues she will never address and has been very difficult to deal with, to say the least.

First of all how to you teach young people respect? Such an interesting question but my answer will be you can't. These things can only be learned. Respect is learned by mutual example, and disrespect the same. It is hard, I would say impossible, to respect someone who disrespects you.

Sometimes respect gets confused with obedience- that we think people respect us if they do what we ask, but this also isn't the case. Expecting respect in this way is corecive and controlling behaviour, and we can only feel respected if the choices we make are supported by those we love.

This kind of coersion, control and manipulation is often found in people we label narcissists, and it will cause distress in families if those basic freedoms children should enjoy as they get older are compromised by this kind of behaviour.

Encourage your grandchild to be themselves- to feel confident about who they are and show them love and affection and be open to them about their worries. Don't disregard their negative feelings, but accept that we all have them, and it is normal to feel bad about things they are not responsible for the choices adults around them make.

Take your eyes and attention away from the step-dad and work on your own relationship with the child. It is so easy to get dragged into the drama these controlling and damaged people make. They are not so powerful as they think they are.

Be your loving caring self and set that example so the child needn't be taught respect, but will show it by also being themselves.

Dream Drifter is right. It’s a minefield.A difficult situation and all depends on how the relationship develops between the young person and the step dad. Does the young person admire the step dad?

Normally role modelling is the way to go but in this particular situation I’d be asking for professional help.

Mayhem is caused when a narcissist is involved.

Very good advice from DreamDrifter for an extremely difficult situation.

Any discussion will of course depend on the age of the child concerned Nannyof4mummyof2 and because a child is being affected by the behaviour of a narcissist, I think consulting a trusted/recommended trained counsellor is an excellent suggestion.

If he really is narc, advice is always to leave.
But this may not be an option in this circumstance.

I volunteer with a part narc, and the havoc she causes to most people, is astounding.

Unfortunately, minimum time spent respectfully in the narc stepdad company, may be the best way forward. For everyone.

I firmly believe children learn by example. Given the situation you describe he is clearly not getting this from his stepfather.
Are there other role models in the family or among your close friends?

Sounds like the narc disrespectful stepdad needs a few lessons coming from an adult male relative

One way to help a young person understand respect and disrespect is by having open and honest conversations about it. Try to explain specific behaviors that demonstrate respect versus disrespect, and how they impact relationships. You can also encourage them to set boundaries with their stepdad and assert themselves respectfully when needed. It might also be helpful to seek support from a trusted adult or counselor who can provide guidance and perspective on the situation.