Respect

One way to help a young person understand respect and disrespect is by having open and honest conversations about it. Try to explain specific behaviors that demonstrate respect versus disrespect, and how they impact relationships. You can also encourage them to set boundaries with their stepdad and assert themselves respectfully when needed. It might also be helpful to seek support from a trusted adult or counselor who can provide guidance and perspective on the situation.

Sounds like the narc disrespectful stepdad needs a few lessons coming from an adult male relative

I firmly believe children learn by example. Given the situation you describe he is clearly not getting this from his stepfather.
Are there other role models in the family or among your close friends?

If he really is narc, advice is always to leave.
But this may not be an option in this circumstance.

I volunteer with a part narc, and the havoc she causes to most people, is astounding.

Unfortunately, minimum time spent respectfully in the narc stepdad company, may be the best way forward. For everyone.

Very good advice from DreamDrifter for an extremely difficult situation.

Any discussion will of course depend on the age of the child concerned Nannyof4mummyof2 and because a child is being affected by the behaviour of a narcissist, I think consulting a trusted/recommended trained counsellor is an excellent suggestion.

Dream Drifter is right. It’s a minefield.A difficult situation and all depends on how the relationship develops between the young person and the step dad. Does the young person admire the step dad?

Normally role modelling is the way to go but in this particular situation I’d be asking for professional help.

Mayhem is caused when a narcissist is involved.

I am surprised there haven't been more responses to this. I have noticed that some threads get lots of replies and others very few.

A couple of things bother me here and this is because I am also a grandma and there someone involved in my grandchild's life we could label a narcissist- someone with a load of issues she will never address and has been very difficult to deal with, to say the least.

First of all how to you teach young people respect? Such an interesting question but my answer will be you can't. These things can only be learned. Respect is learned by mutual example, and disrespect the same. It is hard, I would say impossible, to respect someone who disrespects you.

Sometimes respect gets confused with obedience- that we think people respect us if they do what we ask, but this also isn't the case. Expecting respect in this way is corecive and controlling behaviour, and we can only feel respected if the choices we make are supported by those we love.

This kind of coersion, control and manipulation is often found in people we label narcissists, and it will cause distress in families if those basic freedoms children should enjoy as they get older are compromised by this kind of behaviour.

Encourage your grandchild to be themselves- to feel confident about who they are and show them love and affection and be open to them about their worries. Don't disregard their negative feelings, but accept that we all have them, and it is normal to feel bad about things they are not responsible for the choices adults around them make.

Take your eyes and attention away from the step-dad and work on your own relationship with the child. It is so easy to get dragged into the drama these controlling and damaged people make. They are not so powerful as they think they are.

Be your loving caring self and set that example so the child needn't be taught respect, but will show it by also being themselves.

keeping quiet

I read through many threads, but if I don’t feel I can contribute anything useful, or I have no wisdom to offer on said subject, I ‘keep quiet’. Or try to!

Perhaps that’s why some threads generate more replies, others maybe feel the same?

Or maybe some like me are a bit confused by the post.
‘Narc’ First of all I thought it meant the step-father was a drug addict (narcotics) but now I see the abbreviation is for narcisssist.

So the step dad is disrespectful and narcissistic but you want your son to model the required behaviour to pacify him? What a sad thing to ask 😭are you ok?

Sorry I have assumed son, it could be your grandson.

It is unfair to put a young person in the position where they end up with a step parent who is a narcissist. Then expecting that young person to (I assume) respect the step parents behaviour.

Traditional respect or good manners that a young person shows an older person is a strength in a young person .

Even if the older person is a criminal ,or stupid , does not respect you, or is immoral those are not reasons to fail to show respect. It is not hard to have good respectful manners and an adult can learn these from a book.

However, respect is not the same as obedience. You can respect the person while not agreeing with their choices.
If the OP is a grandmother or grandfather in the family he/she might refer to the stepdad respectfully while disapproving appropriately , and if necessarily vocally, of how stepdad chooses to behave.

For instance if the child is actually needing to be controlled then the stepdad may deserve to get the grandparent's moral support. If the stepdad is too controlling for the child's good , then the best role for the grandparent is to provide a safe haven for the child when the child needs a safe haven. However the safe haven should not be a place where other people whoever they are are not respected as people.

To teach a child good manners I agree with other posters that they learn from the examples of their friends and relations.

Respect is earned. From whoever and personally speaking I don’t really think a child like any other person will give it to anyone who doesn’t earn it.

I haven’t answered because it’s all so vague and I m unsure about it
Are you a grandmother (the user name suggests it) or are you the mother married to a narcissistic man is it a question about a son or grandson or just a question in general ?

Apologies if that sounds flippant your child will learn from you and treat other adults appropriately. I hope that sounds better.

Dogsmother wrote:

[Respect is earned. From whoever and personally speaking I don’t really think a child like any other person will give it to anyone who doesn’t earn it."]

I disagree. A younger person should always 'respect' an older person more than his the young person's peers.. By 'respect' I refer to ordinary civilised good manners, but not to unquestioning obedience.

BlueBelle

I haven’t answered because it’s all so vague and I m unsure about it
Are you a grandmother (the user name suggests it) or are you the mother married to a narcissistic man is it a question about a son or grandson or just a question in general ?

I agree. The OP is so unclear it is not really possible to respond. I think the posters who have replied are heroic..

The main issue here is the subjectivity with the concept of respect and disrespect -different people will give a wide varity of definitons depending on their believes, how they were raised, etc

I used to call this step father syndrome with colleagues years ago. It's where the stepfather resents the child that is already there when they have a new partner. They treat the child as if they are always bad with an aim of getting the child into care or placed with a relative. The child responds by being increasingly badly behaved and eventually the mother turns against the child too. You see this escalate if the parent and step parent have a new baby together.
I don't know what the answer is but a lot of these children eventually go right off the rails in the teenage years and early adult hood. A sad situation for all concerned.

How old is this young person? Their is a vast difference between trying to teach a 7 year old and a 15 year old about respect. And is it the youngster who is lacking in respect, or is he/she being treated disrespectfully?

If the youngster's stepfather really is a narcissist and disrepects others, then nothing can be done to change him, and it is probably better not to interfere in any way.

I may have missed your point, but I don't see why the stepfather is relevant, unless you mean he is the cause of the younger person's lack of respect.

It’s very difficult often impossible to reason with an addict, they have a distorted view of what is reasonable. Bringing a drug addict into your life is never going to be a good influence on any children.

What age is the young person, and how much autonomy does he have? Also, respect for a narcissistic step-dad? Isn’t that a minefield for a young person, requiring a degree of suppression/distortion of the young person’s own feelings in the relationship?

Perhaps you mean helping the young person to differentiate between the respect or disrespect he receives from his step-dad?

Is “narc” now the normal version of “narcissistic”?
I was envisioning “narcotic” for the first few posts.