My partner does not like my grown up children

Hello Sandra, how long have you been with your partner?

You say your son has 2 health issues and what you believe to be an un diagnosed mental health issue, no outside life or friends, does he work? Does your son live in your house while you live in your partners? Are you trying to make him more independent because you think it's what he needs or because it's what your partner wants?

Apologies for the inquisition but I think some additional information would be useful but from what you have said I wonder if it's not that your partner doesn't like your son, but is jealous of your relationship.

I am sorry to say this but I had a similar issue with my partner and it didn't end well.

He thought being a good father meant indulging his adult kids and giving them what they wanted, even when they developed unhealthy lifestyles. His son lived with us for a while and this wasn't a problem for me but he left eventually and finished up in hospital with serious health issues as a result of his lifestyle.

Is it your partner's house you're living in? Or do you have two homes? Does your partner also have children?

It isn't easy to express an opinion here with this info but despite his health issues your son can still live and work independently although I know how tough it is because my adult son now lives with me! I prefer being single though.

If you are able to discuss this between you I think this will always be an issue- you may have to mae a choice or work very hard to find a workable solution.

Does your partner have any reason to dislike your son or is it simple resentment of the attention you give him and the fact that you are supporting him? Do you have other family members or children who could help out? I suppose if your son has a poor future prognosis for his health you might be needed to be more involved in his care.. and then in your position I'd want a kinder, more understanding partner.. I hope you manage to find the right answer for you...

If you want to stay it’s because you know your son needs you. It’s difficult being Piggy in the Middle but I think the only answer is to go with your instincts.

Your partner will just have to be patient.

Hi, thank you, no he does not work, long time sickness, my son lives in my house and I come back occasionally... I have been with my partner 1 year 3 months. My son was nervous to meet my new partner due to an ex partner who made our lives uncomfortable... my son therefore thinks this partner will be the same.

I agree that my son does need to be more independent... and not always depend on me... I live in my partners home...
My partner does not have children of his own... but he was/is involved with his partners (partner died) children they were 18 and above I believe with no health issues..

My daughter helps out when she can..

Thanks for your responses

I know it is hard to meet up with others and move in with them when you have a family of your own. But I would put my son before a new partner any day. Please do not turn your back on your son and be there for him as much as you possibly can. Yes, your son has to stand on his feet some day but he isn’t able to right now. If your new partner cares about you then he will respect your wishes.

I moved me and my son in with my partner and his son far too soon and regretted it. Not the same scenario as you but always put your children first. Mine came out good in the end but with lots of hard work from me.

Please let us know in the future how you get on. Take care.

Well no partner would take me away from a sick son and I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who you say dislikes my son so much but that’s me
If your son has health problems and possible mental health problems he needs help not hate it sounds as if he has a pretty miserable life if he doesn’t work and is on his own most of the time
Does he have any formal diagnosis ? Is that a way forward are there any voluntary jobs he could do as he sounds as if he needs to get out the house and have some involvement with other people to give him a bit of life whatever his health problems are could you find any groups that would accommodate him
It doesn’t sound fair to put him out your house if he has no means of his own where would you expect him to live ?
I m afraid no man would take me away from a sick child that I needed to help but I can see why you would want your life to be less worrying I think that will only happen if you can expand your lads life

The saying “a mother can only be as happy as her unhappiest child” always resonates with me. Maybe I’m too soft. And I’m not you - in a newish relationship. But I know that I couldn’t relax and be happy with this amount of stress and pressure from a new man. Too many expectations. And the partner isn’t a parent himself so he won’t know of that visceral ‘heart tug’. Take your time OP. Be kind to your son who will be feeling somewhat apprehensive is my advice.

It’s a minefield, new relationships when you have children and grandchildren. My family have just spent a week at my partners house during which time I was on edge all the time because I knew he was irritated by their young children and I was scared that they would break something. He doesn’t make them unwelcome and they have no idea how he feels so I feel that I absorb all of the angst like a sponge. They will always come first, though and it may ultimately result in my splitting up from him. It’s left me emotionally drained.

I agree in the main with other posters, it is difficult for those without children to understand how parents feel even when their children are grown.
A word of caution though, be careful about allowing your son to be too dependent on you, in the long term it won't help him and you deserve a life of your own as well.

I find people who aren't parents themselves are often world authorities on other peoples children, and what they should do.

Your son is your business, and if it doesnt impact on your partner (apart from taking attention away from him) then he will have to learn to keep his opinion to himself.

I do sympathise and I do agree that, if you want to go & be with your son on disharge from hospital that is the right thing to do. Is your partner jealous of the attention your son gets - or is it that he loves you & believes you're putting yourself under too much pressure trying to make things better for your son? Try & find out where the resentment's coming from. Is there a face-to-face group your son could join, maybe for people who have a similar health condition, so he could get some social interaction, hopefully make some friends, before he actually moves out?

Based on what you've told us, it doesn't sound as though your son massively impacts your partner's life. I initially thought be lived with you both. It's none of your partner's business where your son lives and how much he financially contributes (unless it's directly affecting your partner or he is somehow supporting your son).

Your son sounds vulnerable and you say there have been problems with a previous boyfriend. Personally I would put my son first and foremost. If this man is not willing to let you stay with your son after a week's hospital stay then he sounds decidedly unpleasant and I wouldn't want to be with him.

BlueBelle

Well no partner would take me away from a sick son and I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who you say dislikes my son so much but that’s me
If your son has health problems and possible mental health problems he needs help not hate it sounds as if he has a pretty miserable life if he doesn’t work and is on his own most of the time
Does he have any formal diagnosis ? Is that a way forward are there any voluntary jobs he could do as he sounds as if he needs to get out the house and have some involvement with other people to give him a bit of life whatever his health problems are could you find any groups that would accommodate him
It doesn’t sound fair to put him out your house if he has no means of his own where would you expect him to live ?
I m afraid no man would take me away from a sick child that I needed to help but I can see why you would want your life to be less worrying I think that will only happen if you can expand your lads life

I agree

Children will always come first, regardless of the consequences. I do not use that word lightly. My ex-husband told my friends, ‘with H it was always children, children, children’ - do I regret it? Absolutely not ! Other happily married women here, may not agree

I wouldn't necessarily sacrifice the chance of a life of my choosing because of an adult child, but if there is genuine need of support, then I'd be there in a flash, for however many years it was needed.

It’s the reason why my marriage failed. I’m sure I’ll get shot down for saying this but imo women will always put their children first in a way that men don’t even if they love their children.

My OH and I are both in second relationships and both have AC from our marriages - we both admit that family comes first, that being AC and GC and there's no way either of us would prevent the other from supporting family in any way required.

How is your partner around your daughter, Sandra23?
Your opening post seems to suggest he doesn't like her either.