Random old bloke telling me to ‘Cheer up!’ 😩

Doodledog

It's interesting that so much concern is being expressed for the man's feelings and possible dent to his ego, and so little to the feelings of Witzend, isn't it?

Isn't it just!

It's interesting that so much concern is being expressed for the man's feelings and possible dent to his ego, and so little to the feelings of Witzend, isn't it?

Witzend

If a man makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't need to justify your concern by asking the rest of society (or GN) if they think you are being unreasonable.

Humans have an instinct for self-preservation, so do animals. Theirs is more precise because threats are more basic, ours is less perfect because we've evolved and human interaction is nuanced. Men can feel intimidated by other men, sometimes without any words being said; "what you looking at?" is not an uncommon reaction when a man feels threatened by the facial expression of another.

Your man may well be harmless, probably is - he just forgot to hold his hand out when good-manners were being dished out.

But the fact remains that random men have been harassing random women for God alone only knows how many hundreds of years with superficially harmless comments - chiefly "cheer up" and "give us a smile". I suspect many or most of them when either ignored or given 'the look' just continue with their day because they are mentally balanced enough not to take it too personally; but a little research will prove that this isn't always the case because some men take this rebuttal as a personal slight which dents their fragile ego. I'm not going to give a litany of all the reactions some women have experienced - suffice to say they vary in the degree of abuse and threatening behaviour, and in some instances actual physical assault.

Your man might well be unconsciously sexist, has no knowledge of, nor interest in, the harassment of women that has sometimes escalated from the simple edict to "cheer up" or "smile".

Women do not exist in order to make other people's day comfortable with a cheery smile. In fact, neither do men - but we do tend to allow them the privilege of looking thoughtful, focused or simply 'not smiling' without passing comment on it.

Just go with your instinct Witzend, if it turns out to have led you to the wrong conclusion, there's no harm done - apart from perhaps a little dent to the gardening-man's ego, but if he's harmless, he'll recover quickly and give it no more thought than he did when he told you to "cheer up".

I agree, Terribull. I dislike this sort of social control, and yes, it's women who suffer from it. I grew up being told to 'take that look off your face', 'don't use that tone of voice' and more. My brother wasn't subject to that - my mum would roll her eyes affectionately and mutter 'boys will be boys'.

Obviously I couldn't answer back - I was expected to keep my feelings to myself, not sigh, tut, or let my thoughts show on my face or in my voice. It's stultifying, and I can't agree that it's 'just one of those things people say'.

The man saying it might not have thought it through, just as not everyone who uses other sexist or racist language has necessarily considered the implications of what they are saying. Not everyone thinks before they speak, but that doesn't make it ok. Witzend calling it out might make him think about it if nothing else has.

Bottom of Page 4 of this thread, I was convinced that Terribull and Doodledog had (for me) said it all. But here we are, pages later.

If it’s not a tired, old, attention-seeking chat up line, then it’s only a) a criticism or b) an instruction. From a total stranger? How can that ever be acceptable?

Sit up, move up, stand up, cheer up, shut up! Is that ok?
Or, we’ve never met but I’m going to criticise your facial expression. Whatever next?!

I’m sure no woman would ever say that to a stranger. Well done, Witzend for your very controlled response.

Cheer Up! To me, the most offensive opening gambit when speaking to a stranger, ever.

Doodledog, those on this thread who think that this man should have his expectations realised in a cheerful smile, just ignore all the posters that have had the "cheer up" said to them in the aftermath of a personal tragedy in their life. They carry on regardless with the mantra, "what's wrong with asking someone to cheer up?", the previous person could have posted, "I've just lost my husband/child" or they might be experiencing some physical pain. They ignore the wider narrative of how younger women are hassled on the street by some unknown man who use the "cheer up" as an opening gambit and don't leave it there, when they're ignored but continue to crank that up into verbal abuse. They ignore the fact that everyone, including men do not have a permanent smile on their face, but only women have this said to them.

Of course it's their prerogative to react in a way they see fit, but equally I'd say to anyone, do not try and impose your reasoning on others, you do not know how anyone is feeling inside, what tragedy they may be dealing with, or how they have previously been affected by being harassed by men unknown to them in the street.

Do people really think that we should all look cheerful all the time, however we are feeling inside? If so, why is that? Who gets to decide what is a suitable facial expression for others to wear, and who gave them enforcement powers?

There is a thread about closing down opinions, and the ‘it’s not the end of the world’/‘have you nothing else to worry about?’/‘I’ve heard worse’ comments feature on that, too. There is a lot of space between not liking something and believing that the world will end because of it, and it is not only the worst things that people have ever heard that can make others feel uncomfortable.

Whoever put a leer into the unisex phrase.

He said cheer up he did not say cheer up luv or cheer up darling. Cheer up is something that could be said by a man or a woman to a man or a woman. If we are interpreting the same phrase said with the same meaning differently depending on whether it is said by a man or a woman then who is the one that is sexist?

Callistemon21

No, but I thought you said you were a Grandad on another thread, Jackiest, which usually indicates the person is a man.

I could be wrong.

That was not me and I was female when I last looked.

Where's grumppa when you need him?

I bet he's never said "Cheer up love, it may never happen" to any unsuspecting female who was walking along minding her own business.

No, but I thought you said you were a Grandad on another thread, Jackiest, which usually indicates the person is a man.

I could be wrong.

A Bobbit special.

They wouldn't look very cheerful if that happened.

😂

AGAA4

Oooh no! The chainsaw may slip and cut of their entitlements 😲

🤣🤣

Oooh no! The chainsaw may slip and cut of their entitlements 😲

I think we should wait until they're just about to put their chainsaw to good use, then sneak up behind them and yell "Cheer up, darlin', it may never happen!"

Siope

I am baffled by the people who think that not being willing to put up sexist comments and attitudes equals being unfriendly.

Me too.

But it seems to be the case.

Perhaps we're supposed to accept sexist comments as harmless - the poor blokes are just being 'friendly' - and give them a big welcoming smile, even if we've got things on our mind like herding grandchildren to school, shopping, phone calls to make, jobs to do... what could possibly be more important than making some complete stranger feel good about himself? We owe it to them to be 'friendly' and cheerful when they decide to make a comment, right?

Jackiest

If you go through life always interpreting things to be an insult then I am not surprised you looked unhappy. If you always look on the bright side of life then things are much better. If you talk and chat to strangers they may become friends.

Maybe this should have been posted in AIBU

I was not ‘insulted’ - I was merely a bit annoyed and upset. And I have to say that stopping to chat to some random old chap when I had just a few minutes to get my Gdd to her pre-school - and was trying to keep up when she was whizzing along on her bike, really wasn’t on.

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by some of the pious platitudes spouted on here, but I must confess that I am.

You'd be better to ask that question of people that don't welcome men here.
Not me.

MissAdventure

Men are welcome?

Hmmm....

Why would they not be?

Being critical of sexist behaviour doesn't equal not wanting to communicate with men. We've all, or most of us, got them in our families and probably quite like them

This thread is not anti-men - it is anti chauvinist men.

The OP's experience chimed with other poster's experiences so the thread developed. There is an awful lot of women quoting similar experiences, too, if you Google so it's obviously something some of us feel quite strongly about. And equally obviously an issue that is of concern, when you read some of those experiences.

But that still does not equate to us being unfriendly to men - in general.

My son, almost of the age at which he could be a grandad, has read various postings on here on different subjects and quite likes the idea of joining, though I don't think he'd be posting every day - but he does like the news and politics threads which he finds quite informative, and interesting.

Callistemon21

Jackiest

If you go through life always interpreting things to be an insult then I am not surprised you looked unhappy. If you always look on the bright side of life then things are much better. If you talk and chat to strangers they may become friends.

Maybe this should have been posted in AIBU

I doubt that Witzend goes through life interpreting things as an insult and looking unhappy as she is one of the most cheerful posters on Gransnet.

Any old man who makes remarks like that to women is probably not someone many of us would want t make friends with.

Are you male or female, Jackiest?

I am baffled by the people who think that not being willing to put up sexist comments and attitudes equals being unfriendly
Me too, Siope.

Are women not allowed to talk to strangers is that why you think I am a man? All he said was "Cheer up" maybe not the best thing but I have heard far worse. You say it is sexist but I would not be surprised if he would say to a man as well. So we should not assume it was a sexist comment. I have had many conversations with strangers both men and women, Yes some of them I have thought I will give them a miss if I see them again and others I will look out for.

Nope.
Anyone can join and have a chin wag.

Golly thought it was just old grannies on here good to hear we have grandads too. In fact do you have to have grand kids or even children to be a member