Random old bloke telling me to ‘Cheer up!’ 😩

Men are welcome?

Hmmm....

Men are very welcome on Gransnet of course Jackiest , and it would be interesting to know if that is a male or female take on this, ie assuming that Witzend is always interpreting things to be an insult and therefore looks unhappy when some man she doesn't know tells her to Cheer up.

"Are you male of female Jackiest?" could be Eric Idle, it's the "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" such a giveaway.

Jackiest

If you go through life always interpreting things to be an insult then I am not surprised you looked unhappy. If you always look on the bright side of life then things are much better. If you talk and chat to strangers they may become friends.

Maybe this should have been posted in AIBU

I doubt that Witzend goes through life interpreting things as an insult and looking unhappy as she is one of the most cheerful posters on Gransnet.

Any old man who makes remarks like that to women is probably not someone many of us would want t make friends with.

Are you male or female, Jackiest?

I am baffled by the people who think that not being willing to put up sexist comments and attitudes equals being unfriendly
Me too, Siope.

I am baffled by the people who think that not being willing to put up sexist comments and attitudes equals being unfriendly.

If you go through life always interpreting things to be an insult then I am not surprised you looked unhappy. If you always look on the bright side of life then things are much better. If you talk and chat to strangers they may become friends.

Maybe this should have been posted in AIBU

JackieBee1

Apologies if someone else has already said this, but Caitlin Moran says if you're not sure if a man is being sexist, ask yourself if he would say or do the same thing to a man.

... ask yourself if he would say or do the same thing to a man.

I'm sure someone will insist that they would.

However, ask your OH, son, brother, whoever, how many times they've been told by a man they're just passing in the street, to "cheer up" or "give them a smile".

One man might well say to another, "cheer up, mate" - but it's likely to be in the context of them being friends already and joshing around. Not the same thing at all.

The bottom line in all of this is that Witzend was unhappy at being told to cheer up by a stranger and she did something about it. Good for her, I say. She was the one who experienced the incident after all. However, if being noticed by a random male is a welcome occurance, then by all means enjoy the experience and smile away but please don't become an apologist for sexist behaviour. Even happy old souls have to draw the line somewhere.

Smileless it's taped into the wider picture of how such comments, harrass, demean and generally bother women. I'm sure Witzend didn't expect to open the floodgates, the fact is that it has resonated with those of us who have been hassled historically. I think more than ever, women in wider contexts are expected to roll over to accommodate men and their feelings and what they expect. Cheer up has been an opening gambit from men to women to hassle and intimidate for years and although an aberration and not expected from a person of that age it is still rude and offensive, so good to point that out to him, never too late to acquire some respect towards the opposite sex. Some men, whatever their age, can't read the room as far as women are concerned, one of my sons related an experience from a few years ago when meeting some acquaintance at a wine bar who suggested they "chat up" some women at an adjacent table, son "they don't want to be chatted up, they're not here for that," the other guy wouldn't have it, I was glad my son met his misconception with eye rolls and a firm no as to that approach.
Younger women when being stalked by a younger version of the man in question having had the "cheer up love" as a preamble to continue with that harassment are at the sharp end of unacceptable behaviour, the Witzends of this world do their fellow women a favour in addressing it, not all women would be in a safe enough scenario to do so.

Apologies if someone else has already said this, but Caitlin Moran says if you're not sure if a man is being sexist, ask yourself if he would say or do the same thing to a man.

No I'm not joking at all.

I will just add that my dh, whose manners are faultless, would not dream of uttering such a remark to any woman, whether he knew her or not.
Even though at 76 I dare say some would see him as an ‘old git’😂.

Tiley

Maybe I am a happy old soul who likes a chat. Had a wolf whistle the other day, made my week.

You have to be joking!! 🤬

Your own supposition, Terribull, based on absolutely no knowledge of this man or his intention, extends to labelling him “a total arse”.

Maybe I am a happy old soul who likes a chat. Had a wolf whistle the other day, made my week.

None of us can be sure either way TerriBull, but that hasn't prevented some regarding this man in the worse possible light has it.

"I'm sure he meant no offence" how can you be sure?, given that you don't know him, or what his intent was in delivering what is an inappropriate comment to a stranger. Supposition again!

Tiley

Witzend

I was walking little Gdd2 to her pre school the other day, when the bloke, who was busy in his front garden, said it.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t have a naturally smiley face - I only wish I did - but I was certainly not miserable at the time - maybe a bit preoccupied with getting her there on time - the early morning rush of getting 3 of them breakfasted and out of the door on time, with all their paraphernalia, when dd is away for work, is something I’m just not used to any more!

Anyway, the following day he was there in his front garden again, and the conversation went like this:

‘Was it you who told me to ‘cheer up’ yesterday?’
‘Er, yes!’
‘Well, I wasn’t actually miserable - it’s just my face, I’m afraid. So in future perhaps you’d like to refrain from making such comments to random strangers?’
‘Er, OK.’

Exit me, feeling better!

Bit harsh, it is an old saying and sure he meant no offence.

Yes!

He probably just didn't realise he was being a patronising, sexist old man. He's probably one of those who thinks he's "a man's man", "one of the lads" and has annoyed women all his life with his remarks.

Well, it's given him pause for thought.

NanaTuesday

Witzend
A bit harsh to reply to him as you did , especially as you have said you were obviously under pressure with the GC .
A polite , acknowledging of him being there was all that was needed .
What happened to be “ Be kind “
After all I imagine that’s what he was doing .

A polite , acknowledging of him being there was all that was needed .

Yes, of course.

Women should always be polite and kind. Even to random men who make personal remarks which I'm willing to bet most of us on here were taught is rude when we were growing up.

We've been polite and kind for centuries - to his faults a little blind, to his virtues ever kind...

How about we educate men to be polite and kind? Because as far back as I can remember, men who are complete strangers to me have 'introduced' themselves by telling me to cheer up and give us a smile ("Luv"), as they have to countless other women; from building-sites, driving by, standing next to me in shops, walking past me in the street, on public transport. It's not a remark that they usually make to each other as complete strangers - it's something reserved for women.

Why do we have to look cheerful and smiling for them? Do you demand they do that for you? Do you tell that serious-looking man on the tube to "cheer up", or ask a man who is a complete stranger to you in the street to "give you a smile"?

There is also the matter of those men who don't take kindly to being ignored or rebuffed when they try to gain your attention with such remarks. Are you aware of that? There are numerous accounts of women experiencing harassment and intimidation after being told to cheer-up. My own experience... walking over Richmond Bridge in Surrey, a man passing in the opposite direction moved over to slightly block my way and told me to "cheer up"; I turned my head, ignored him and carried on walking - which prompted him to shout at me in an angry voice, "what's up with you - you frigid or something". Should I, do you think, have been polite and kind to him? Was that a justifiable response because I wasn't?

As Doodledog so succinctly put it:

Women do not exist to brighten men’s day. Your feelings are your own, and how your face reflects them is your business.

I think it's partly about how it was said and context. Can't say I like it at all for the reasons many outline above but deciding whether or how to respond would be based on individual circumstances.

Witzend

I was walking little Gdd2 to her pre school the other day, when the bloke, who was busy in his front garden, said it.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t have a naturally smiley face - I only wish I did - but I was certainly not miserable at the time - maybe a bit preoccupied with getting her there on time - the early morning rush of getting 3 of them breakfasted and out of the door on time, with all their paraphernalia, when dd is away for work, is something I’m just not used to any more!

Anyway, the following day he was there in his front garden again, and the conversation went like this:

‘Was it you who told me to ‘cheer up’ yesterday?’
‘Er, yes!’
‘Well, I wasn’t actually miserable - it’s just my face, I’m afraid. So in future perhaps you’d like to refrain from making such comments to random strangers?’
‘Er, OK.’

Exit me, feeling better!

Bit harsh, it is an old saying and sure he meant no offence.

I was beginning to wonder if some Gransnetters are much older than me and I'm quite ancient 😀

But perhaps, as DH has pointed out on more than one occasion, I don't like being told what to do!

Now I come to think of it, he looked a bit like Victor Meldrew! 😂

I don't belieeeeve it!!

Doodledog

NanaTuesday

john34231
Totally agree with you 👌
Be kind seems not to be the mantra of a lot of GN’s posters 😢

It's not 'kind' to tell someone you don't know to cheer up! It's rude and insensitive, as you have no idea what is happening in their life, and telling strangers what to do is presumptuous at best, and 'unkind' at worst.

Also, there is a huge gap between objecting to being spoken to like a child and being 'unkind'. Kindness is not about being trampled on, is it?

Thanks, Doodledog and Callistemon21. I think I must be on a different planet from those GNers who think that what he said was ‘trying to be friendly’ and that I should have taken it as such and smiled sweetly at the poor old thing.

Now I come to think of it, he looked a bit like Victor Meldrew! 😂

NanaTuesday

Witzend
A bit harsh to reply to him as you did , especially as you have said you were obviously under pressure with the GC .
A polite , acknowledging of him being there was all that was needed .
What happened to be “ Be kind “
After all I imagine that’s what he was doing .

What happened to be “ Be kind “

It obviously by-passed that old man.
What he said was not kind.

Women have not been put on this earth to be compliant with whatever men wish us to be.