Random old bloke telling me to ‘Cheer up!’ 😩

NanaTuesday

john34231
Totally agree with you 👌
Be kind seems not to be the mantra of a lot of GN’s posters 😢

It's not 'kind' to tell someone you don't know to cheer up! It's rude and insensitive, as you have no idea what is happening in their life, and telling strangers what to do is presumptuous at best, and 'unkind' at worst.

Also, there is a huge gap between objecting to being spoken to like a child and being 'unkind'. Kindness is not about being trampled on, is it?

AGAA4

It all boils down to men shouldn't a speak to women they don't know in a familiar way. Nobody would object to a friendly Good Morning but both my daughter and granddaughter have had frightening experiences of being harassed by men who started off by saying 'Cheer up.'
Women and girls have the right to go about their daily lives without being bothered by men.

This

and a quote from flappergirl apropos of John's post

"I'm not sure if you're a man, as your name would suggest, but if you are then you could not possibly understand the narrative on this thread.

Unless you have lived your life as a woman or a person of colour or any marginalised group, you will fail to grasp, let alone relate to the nuances and backstory behind certain behaviour and comments".

Be kind works both ways NanaTuesday, if you've read some of the posts you will see that this has been said to women when they have experienced devastating grief, so making such an intrusive comment isn't being kind it's being crass. There are, as so many of us have stated ad infinitum on this thread, umpteen ways, that don't include personal comments on how to start a conversation. Most people's faces, including men, don't have a perpetual smile on their face when it's in repose, but only women get this insensitive comment made to them. John if male should take on board the salient comments flappergirl has made before advising a woman on how she should react to a rude intrusive comment.

john34231
Totally agree with you 👌
Be kind seems not to be the mantra of a lot of GN’s posters 😢

Witzend
A bit harsh to reply to him as you did , especially as you have said you were obviously under pressure with the GC .
A polite , acknowledging of him being there was all that was needed .
What happened to be “ Be kind “
After all I imagine that’s what he was doing .

It happened to me the day after my sister died. I was just walking into a supermarket when a man said "Smile, it may never happen", Without thinking I told him I had just lost my sister and then added that that was a stupid thing to say to anyone, even at the best of times. That shut him up.

I also have never been told "Cheer up" by a woman - I have,due to my father having a dreary face, inherited the same.
Why do men think it's OK to be over-familar? Still, as the saying goes "familiarity breeds contempt" which is what these guys deserve.
Maybe they think they're bloody Casanova? (They never are!)

Doodledog

Well done, Witzend.

Women do not exist to brighten men’s day. Your feelings are your own, and how your face reflects them is your business. As others have said if he wanted to make conversation he could have said hello, not give you instructions on how to arrange your face.

Women do not exist to brighten men’s day. Your feelings are your own, and how your face reflects them is your business.

Very succinct Doodledog.

Well done, Witzend.

Women do not exist to brighten men’s day. Your feelings are your own, and how your face reflects them is your business. As others have said if he wanted to make conversation he could have said hello, not give you instructions on how to arrange your face.

Dickens

flappergirl

john34231

I think from an outsiders point of view you have fared worse in terms of behaviour.

He was being friendly, you were not, though what him being 'old' has got to do with it I don't know. What if he had been a strapping mid 20's 'hunk'.

I'm not sure if you're a man as your name would suggest but if you are then you could not possibly understand the narrative on this thread.

Unless you've lived your life as a woman or a person of colour or any marginalised group, you will fail to grasp (let alone relate to) the nuances and backstory behind certain behaviour and comments.

If you are a woman then I cannot believe you feel that inappropriate remarks (whether sexist or racist) are somehow graded according to age or physical appearance. Very few, if any, recipients would think that way.

In this instance the reference to age is only because of the phrase he used. It is an out dated manifestation of male privilege rarely used these days.

"He was being friendly"

🙄🙄

"He was being friendly"

Just like the office groper years ago who thought it was his right to grope the latest, youngest female to join the department. No-one dared to do anything about him until I told him I saw him with his wife in town quite often and that she might be interested to know what he did at work.

"Just being friendly, love"!

flappergirl

john34231

I think from an outsiders point of view you have fared worse in terms of behaviour.

He was being friendly, you were not, though what him being 'old' has got to do with it I don't know. What if he had been a strapping mid 20's 'hunk'.

I'm not sure if you're a man as your name would suggest but if you are then you could not possibly understand the narrative on this thread.

Unless you've lived your life as a woman or a person of colour or any marginalised group, you will fail to grasp (let alone relate to) the nuances and backstory behind certain behaviour and comments.

If you are a woman then I cannot believe you feel that inappropriate remarks (whether sexist or racist) are somehow graded according to age or physical appearance. Very few, if any, recipients would think that way.

In this instance the reference to age is only because of the phrase he used. It is an out dated manifestation of male privilege rarely used these days.

"He was being friendly"

🙄🙄

flappergirl 👏👏👏

I too do not possess a naturally smiley face, and from time to time have the same comment made to me. This is the face I was born with 65 years ago. There's nothing I could do about it if I wanted to other than maybe cosmetic correction and I'm not going down that road.

john34231

I think from an outsiders point of view you have fared worse in terms of behaviour.

He was being friendly, you were not, though what him being 'old' has got to do with it I don't know. What if he had been a strapping mid 20's 'hunk'.

I'm not sure if you're a man as your name would suggest but if you are then you could not possibly understand the narrative on this thread.

Unless you've lived your life as a woman or a person of colour or any marginalised group, you will fail to grasp (let alone relate to) the nuances and backstory behind certain behaviour and comments.

If you are a woman then I cannot believe you feel that inappropriate remarks (whether sexist or racist) are somehow graded according to age or physical appearance. Very few, if any, recipients would think that way.

In this instance the reference to age is only because of the phrase he used. It is an out dated manifestation of male privilege rarely used these days.

There's some pretty feisty retorts listed by women who are told to "smile, luv" or "cheer up", on social media. I can't reproduce most of them because I'd probably be reported and the post removed, but one which I thought was quite amusing - when told to cheer up / smile...

Sure, just let me find my fake smile generator.

Possibly a witty retort would silence a few of them.

Most wouldn’t, I agree but, of those few who would, most mean no harm.

AGAA4

It all boils down to men shouldn't a speak to women they don't know in a familiar way. Nobody would object to a friendly Good Morning but both my daughter and granddaughter have had frightening experiences of being harassed by men who started off by saying 'Cheer up.'
Women and girls have the right to go about their daily lives without being bothered by men.

Women and girls have the right to go about their daily lives without being bothered by men.

That's about the size of it.

But fat chance. However, I take heart, both my OH and my 52 year old son agreed the comment made them cringe, and neither are unique so there's probably a lot of men who simply would not approach a woman in that way.

It all boils down to men shouldn't a speak to women they don't know in a familiar way. Nobody would object to a friendly Good Morning but both my daughter and granddaughter have had frightening experiences of being harassed by men who started off by saying 'Cheer up.'
Women and girls have the right to go about their daily lives without being bothered by men.

This man’s passing comment doesn’t amount to harassment or pestering.

john34231

I think from an outsiders point of view you have fared worse in terms of behaviour.

He was being friendly, you were not, though what him being 'old' has got to do with it I don't know. What if he had been a strapping mid 20's 'hunk'.

Being harassed is being harassed, whether the guy is 20 or 50 or 80, strapping or decrepit. It is a potential threat - that doesn't vary by age. If a beautiful young woman of 20 drew a gun on you, would you find her less of a threat than if she was a woman of 50?

If you think you would find it exhilarating, then it has never happened to you - you would be shitting yourself whatever the age of the armed person focussing on you.

That is how a woman feels when pestered by a man who can't understand that she doesn't fancy him.

Well, he may not even consider trying to engage a young girl or teen.

There's nothing to suggest he would.

Most men in their right minds wouldn't.

Whether he's in his right mind, though... who knows?

MissAdventure

TerriBull

MissAdventure, from what I read it's worse now, I have 20 something step granddaughters in London, one who had some guy try and strike up some sort of conversation apropos of "you don't look very happy love" and then just followed her for ages just keeping up a barrage of "what's wrong with you, why can't you just answer me blah blah" she had real problems shaking him off which she did eventually by meeting up with others, but she tells me that friends of hers have experienced similar.

That sounds pretty frightening.
I wonder if this kind of harassment is worse these days?

A little research (not just on MN) would seem to indicate that it is.

For all the advances Feminists have made, we seem to have taken one step forward and faltered back a little.

Men harass women on the street, in bars and clubs. Sometimes, if they are rejected, they become aggressive.

A visiting nurse told me about a man who 'kerb-crawled' her - making noises like you do to a cat to get its attention whilst offering her a 'lift'. She was in uniform and had to go out of her way and actually get on a bus to get away from him. He started with "give us a smile" or something like that, before he started making cat-kissing noises. I thought kerb-crawlers harassing women had died out in the 70s.

What happened to the OP is 'small beer' by comparison and the man might well be harmless, if ungentlemanly. But I believe his approach to a woman who is a complete stranger to him is part and parcel of the whole entitlement that some men have towards women. At the very least, it's a personal remark that usually, enlightened people don't make to complete strangers. And I'm glad he 'got told' - maybe it'll prevent him from trying the same line with a young girl or teenager.

My OH has been following this thread as he's interested in the varying POVs. He also agrees that the man in the OP is probably harmless too, but thinks his comment was basically just crass and completely lacking in sensitivity.

I'd imagine it wouldn't make the slightest difference.

I think from an outsiders point of view you have fared worse in terms of behaviour.

He was being friendly, you were not, though what him being 'old' has got to do with it I don't know. What if he had been a strapping mid 20's 'hunk'.

Yes I think it's worse MissAdventure, that was evident in the aftermath of the appalling murder of Sarah Everard, many women can forward to protest about their harassment and unwanted attention from men when going about their lives, everything from catcalling to stalking there was a palpable anger that rose to the fore and raised awareness of just what was going on.

I'm afraid my face is like yours. A miserable looking 'resting face'. I was at a dance once, having a lovely time dancing - and someone asked my friend why I was so miserable. Suppose there are worse things.