Difficult relationship getting worse

Wyllow3

Can you keep lines of communication open at a low level but try not to invest emotional hopes that things will change or she'll treat you better - sake of grandchildren.

Yes, that's what I was going to say. Respond to her in an "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then leave it at that. So she knows you're still her mum, but that you have had enough of her dramas. So don't actually block her, but don't try to justify your perceived behaviour towards her, which incidentally on the face of it, seems perfectly normal.

I really feel your pain. I am in a very difficult relationship with my only daughter. Having raised her more or less singlehandedly since I left her father when she was two, we had a very close relationship until she married and had a baby.
She has always been rather reactionary, however (like her dad). She now devotes all her energy to being a mum and wife (which I get) but to the complete exclusion of me and her only four other relatives on my side of the family. She's putting her in-law family on some kind of pedestal, has little respect for her elders -especially if we dare to have a different viewpoint - and I'm probably guilty of stepping on eggshells. I often wonder whether things might be different if she had siblings to 'compete' with. It's like she has had some kind of personality change.
It's so easy to dwell upon it and ask ourselves what we have 'done wrong', though I do think that society and social media doesn't help relationships these days.
The more time goes on, the easier it gets to become less emotional about it. I know I'm not the only person in her life that she has issues with, so I focus upon that. Does your daughter struggle in her relationships with others, too?
I really wish you peace and happiness. Focus upon everything that is good in your life and know that you have done the very best fort your daughter.

I agree with Wyllow. Talk occasionally, be friendly and kind but if she is unpleasant call her out on it and say gently 'That's a hurtful comment and I don't think it is fair' or similar and leave the room or pop to the loo or make a drink. Enjoy your new home. Don't bother sharing any of your joy or enthusiasm about your new home with her. Good luck

Have a break, it sounds as though she will be nasty if she has contact so what she does when there isn’t any will not be worst.

She will probably want you to see the new baby as it sounds like she thrives on attention so I wouldn't worry about not seeing the grandchildren.

This may get resolved in the future but dont think about that for now, a bit of piece is what you need and with moving you dont need any more pressures.

Can you keep lines of communication open at a low level but try not to invest emotional hopes that things will change or she'll treat you better - sake of grandchildren.

I suspect that breaking communication with her would mean not having contact with her children which would be heartbreaking.
I could be totally off the mark but wondering if anything traumatic happened to her as a child unbeknown to you led to the change in her behaviour

There is no question that that behaviour isn't ok but for me reading your post and comments, a few things made me quite uncomfortable

You don't seem to think much of her.

You mention how she 3 children with different fathers... that is not relevant information to the thread

You say that she has ALWAYS rebelled... she was a child or teen then.

That her behaviour changed aged 9 for no reason... You can't possibly know that

That you have wasted years on her... How is trying to love your child a waste?

That you are too busy for her drama and just need to find time for your grandchildren... That just sounds so casually flippant

And throughout a disapproval of her chosen lifestyle and comparisons to the daughters you do like

Your daughter knows how you feel about her, of course she does, how you have always felt about her, and that is very likely why you do not have a close living relationship

Fleur20

Embrace your own plans, enjoy your new home and plans for the future.. you have much to look forward to with people who love, appreciate and support you.
Be kind to you.

😊 .... thank you xx

Embrace your own plans, enjoy your new home and plans for the future.. you have much to look forward to with people who love, appreciate and support you.
Be kind to you.

Fleur20

Would you accept and forgive this behaviour from anyone else, not related to you?
I suspect not.
What do you gain from this relationship when you are in her good books?

On balance is it worth the grief?

No it isn't... I have a very busy head at the moment with the move etc and I can't fit her dramas in .... I just need to check in on my grandchildren occasionally ....

Urmstongran

Treading on eggshells is never healthy. It empowers the adult child to keep pushing barriers. She needs to be told ‘carry on like this love and the elastic’s going to snap, your choice’.

Love that.... "elastics gonna snap!!"
It's definitely fraying!

Thank you everyone .... I think I have wasted too many tears and years on a her ... when really I know I do not need her to give me permission to be excited about our new home.... it's a bit further away which as harsh as it sounds, may help. It's also a project house so hubby and me (and the cat) are going to be busy!
I have good friends .... I guess at the end of the day I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me the way DD1 does .... as mums we can only guide and advise and do the best we can... some adult children just need to grow up and as I said to DH one day she will look up from her phone and I won't be there 😒 the mum guilt never goes away though and I just have to learn to bury that guilt....
I am so appreciative for the time you've all taken ... I will keep you posted

Iam64

New one on me urmston, ‘carry on like this love and the elastic’s going to snap’. - direct and clear, I like it

😁
We talk direct ‘oop North - as you know!

Would you accept and forgive this behaviour from anyone else, not related to you?
I suspect not.
What do you gain from this relationship when you are in her good books?

On balance is it worth the grief?

The elastic ratio.
Stretch and stretch to accommodate, then one day it breaks and that is the end.

She has stretched you to breaking point, so give up; nothing you do will make any difference.

New one on me urmston, ‘carry on like this love and the elastic’s going to snap’. - direct and clear, I like it

Treading on eggshells is never healthy. It empowers the adult child to keep pushing barriers. She needs to be told ‘carry on like this love and the elastic’s going to snap, your choice’.

Pandered.

You've all wandered to her controlling behaviour.
Time to stop, for her sake as well as yours.

Its ridiculous.

I'd cease communication. You're never going to win and she's never going to be happy. Accept that and move on. You aren't getting any younger and the upset will eventually affect your health which will be no good for you, your husband or other daughters.

If she tries to communicate with you again tell her calmly but firmly that you no longer wish to speak to her but you wish her well. End of.

My DH is supportive but also he feels enough is enough and she really has always dominated family occasions sometimes by not even being there!
Our other DDs are reluctant to get involved, understandably.... DD2 has 1 child and DD3 has 2 children so they do try to keep communication open as the cousins do get along and are similar ages. The girls were all bought up in the same house, same parents, same rules and boundaries but DD1 has ALWAYS rebelled with rules and seemed to be growing into a lovely little girl until about 9years old when for no obvious reason she started being difficult,awkward and playing up even at primary school.... by the time she got to secondary school she was close to exclusion on lots of occasions and discovered alcopops at about 15 then became aggressive and violent.... that violence is definitely under control in her 30s but she is obsessed with her appearance and lives a very Instagram life! But what hurts is that I would never ever speak to my mum or dad the way she still, at 34 speaks to me! Respect seems to be a problem and she's far too reliant on instagram/Facebook.... and that's made her act entitled and we didn't bring them up like that! 🤯

*i’m at an age now where i don’t need the drama…. I feel that after all these years she genuinely doesn’t like me or her dad …. I haven’t even thought how I will go about seeing our 2nd rand children and the unborn baby …. It’s all getting me down and I feel beaten this time

nikyq - you sound at the end of patience and attempts to keep doors open, bridges safe. 34 years of conflicts, estrangement issues may be enough for you. Where does your husband sit in this? Is he avoiding and leaving it to yiu, what about your other daughters?
In the end I think it’s down to you. Maybe you decide not to let this instability chaos and drama go with you into your new home.
Do your difficult daughter’s children see any cousins? That may be a way yiu can see them without drama

I think two sentences in particular stand out.

^ "I didn't like how you said that" and then not speak to me for 3months!^
Ludicrous.

^ she feels our move has overshadowed hers and that 'normal' parents would put our own moving news aside and concentrate on her achievement ^
Withi this one, I thought about stopping at the 1st 7 words of it.
Again, ludicrous.

Sadly, everything sounds like it is all about her.

I find behaviour like that quite absurd. But unfortunately there seems quite a lot of it about.

I am sorry for what you are going through.
Hopefully someone else will give you advice on how to deal with it.