Torn between animal welfare and loyalty to a dear friend

MissAdventure

Could she afford a regular cleaner?
Perhaps with a good one-off blitz, then a cleaner every couple of days, it may be manageable for her to stay independent.

I am an early riser and she does not get up until midday. Consequently, I was able to work on her kitchen, bathroom and lounge whilst she was still in bed. I stayed close by and have keys to her property. I had to buy cleaning materials, rubber gloves etc but after three days of over four hours per day, you could definitely see (and smell!) the difference! I pay to have a cleaner myself!!! Both her nephew, neice and neighbour remarked on the vast improvement in just a few days, but she could not see what all the fuss was about, telling her neice “ she didn’t have to bother, it was not dirty in the first place!” Fortunately, her neice, very gently and tactfully, told her the truth, but she is still in denial! I had to resort to emotional blackmail, threatening to sever all ties, when she wanted me to alter my comments on the online request for a needs assessment I made on her behalf to Social Services. “ you make it sound as if the place is dirty and I can’t cope”. I told her I had to tell the truth I and those are the facts! She got very upset but I persevered and in the end the form was submitted with the comments included!

And yes, she could even afford a live in career, just can’t see the need!

Fingers crossed for the best outcome, then.

Sad, though isn't it?

A neighbour of mine wanted a new puppy when she was 90-odd. All the breeders and rescues found excuses not to oblige her but she got a grandson to buy a pup, pretending it was his.
That pup was never trained, exercised or socialised then was sold on when the old lady fell and broke her hip.
The poor helpless animal must come first, ahead of the inconsiderate person.

Bluesmum

And yes, she could even afford a live in career, just can’t see the need!

Well done you on doing the right things for your friend, it’s a sad situation

How sad - poor old lady .
I visit some and they are really feisty -capable of being quite rude when you try to help them .
Loss of independence and fear comes into play .
One of my friends gets shopping for an elderly lady in an appalling condition .She has a cat and the house is filthy and stinking .
I've repeatedly asked her to contact social services , but nothing has been done .
A pet needs plenty of care -fresh water and food and somewhere to pee and poo .
It's not fair for them
to live in squalor even if they are loved .

Bluesmum

And yes, she could even afford a live in career, just can’t see the need!

It sounds as though she has a caring soul but is at the beginning of dementia where she can't see her own issues or untidiness. That said, what if the carer were disguised as someone who was in dire need of a place to stay and the lady loves cleaning, cooking meals and loves cats? Could her kind heart provide a 'friend of the family' with a place to stay? (Just trying to think creatively to offer a win-win situation).

@Bluesmum,
So sad that this elderly lady has come to this, can understand her struggle for independence it must terrify her that complete control over her life is rapidly unravelling.
But she is lucky to have you and her nephew and niece looking out for her.
Never an easy time for anyone.
All the best x

What a very sad situation.
The welfare of this old lady must come first, and you are right to keep pressing Social Services; 'going to do an assessment' is not good enough for a 95 year old.
I wonder how she looks after herself in terms of regular meals and good food; you say her mind is razor sharp and it seems that the disarray in her home is due to her failing eyesight and possibly poor nutrition is contributing to the decline in her faculties. Would the prospect of being able to have another cat only if she accepts help in terms of a regular cleaner/carer to maintain a suitable home be an inducement?
The older people get the more stubborn they become because they are terrified of change; I experienced this with my father at 90 and a friend's mother who died aged 104, both of whom resisted all offers of help until overwhelmed.

I think you are a very caring friend and an excellent human being. I am glad this situation is being sorted as it sounds very distressing for you so well done for reaching out.
I hope if I ever get like this, I have a friend in my life who would do this for me.

animal welfare no doubt

Maybe stress how much work a cat can be and say you’ll support her in getting one provided she get a cleaner to help?

If she was looking to get a cat from the rescue centre, I’d be very surprised if they’d allow it given her age. We’re currently looking for a rescue cat and one of the questions we’ve been asked at the centres we’ve contacted is our ages.

I hope you can get help for your friend though. Having had to deal with a stubborn elderly neighbour who needs help and support, it’s hard work! So best of luck!

She may well be glad to have a housekeeper and carer if you find a congenial person for her. Some efficient but not bossy person who likes cats and has the ability to care for a cat or two.
I am nearly 92 and I know it makes me anxious and sad to be deprived of my independence by an arrogant carer.
One of my daughters in law , who is an efficient teacher, has found very able private carers for her disabled mother.

Tell your friend you will help her to find a nice cat if she will accept a carer.

Error, I'm nearly 93.

My sons who are my carers will do everything they can to help me keep my dog, and keep him happy and healthy. When my previous dog died my daughter in law found another dog for me.

Animal welfare comes first, not the whims of a human being. Animals aren't cuddly toys. I feel concerned that the rescue centre might be swayed by the financial support this woman has previously offered. She's not even capable of looking after herself and should under no circumstances be allowed to add another living creature into that scenario.

I would feel sorry for the poor cat and it's welfare if it were to live in horrendous smelly conditions. I think this is a no go. She should not have a cat unless she has a clean, smelly-free home, and can maintain it.

My old home was very clean but I was refused a cat by a rescue centre as I lived near a road. They were VERY fussy so I doubt they'd let a cat go to a urine soaked filthy house. Definitely let the centre know as the welfare of the cat is paramount.

I was thinking that leaving everything else aside, if this lady is struggling with mobility, surely having a cat who might leap about etc is actually dangerous for HER, ie she could fall over him/her, so surely the rescue centre should be checking irrespective of her familiarity with them?…

Surely the rescue centre must be aware that this lady is old?

You say, she has supported them for years.

If they are willing to disregard their own rules about inspecting homes before letting people have a cat, I am afraid you will need to drop them a hint. Or her niece and nephew will.

This poor old lady cannot look after herself, and should certainly not be taking on a pet that she will not be able to care properly for.

Drop a hint to the rescue centre, and re-doubled your efforts to persuade your friend to accept help or move into sheltered accommodation, and do everything you can to hurry social services up, as well.

From your description things have long passed the stage whee your friend should have been faced with an ultimatium - accept what help you can get, or move into a care home.

Have you and her relatives discussed either giving up a week-end to spring cleaning your friend's home, or to taking her out for the day, leaving a professional cleaning company to tackle the mess?

I am 73 and have two house cats. I know that when they pass I will have to live with the fact that I cannot get anymore. That said my two may still have 10 years in them. That goes for our dog as well. She has a few years in her yet.

The cats come first. As an animal rescuer the well being of any animal comes first. If she's happy living like that then so be it. The RSPCA might attend unfortunately they di not have tge powers to remove animals, only the police can do that. They may try talking to her but if they believe the cats are suffering they will ask the police to attend. Or she could sign the cats over to the RSPCA in which case they can remove them. After seeing , over the years, suffering of domestic pets I hold little sympathy with owners, regardless of age, mentality etc, whi neglect their animals.

She may be sharp but is not really of sound mind if she lives in squalor. In other words some mental illness has occurred. Best thing you can do for your friend is ask for help via the GP.

People in very sound minds live in squalor.

She probably can’t smell her house,she’ll have got used to it.Id imagine the carpets need to to come out to get rid of that.Might it also be worth saying to her that she could easily trip up over a cat and break her hip the who’d look after it?