Care home thoughts

I was advised to let my husband go into a nursing home as the stress of caring for him at home was far too much for me and helpers to cope with. He had to be watched day and night as the dementia became worse. I finally agreed and my children chose a home as I was too ill. We thought he would probably only be there for a few months at most as physically he was very weak.
I visited often and was pleased how he had settled, he was even taken to the local pub for lunch with a couple of friends he had made and I was told he was doing really well.
The few months forecast turned into two and a half years and apart from a couple of concerns from me he was looked after until the end which came peacefully in his sleep with a loving carer by his side at 4.00 am.
When my daughter who is an undertaker arrived to collect him a couple of hours later he had been washed, shaved, dressed, hair brushed and looked so peaceful.
The carer who was with him at the end came to his funeral and was so distressed she told me it was like losing her dad she thought so much about him.
I am fiercely independant but I’m getting older and I suppose the day will come when I might have to consider going into a home but not just yet I hope.

I would not like to go into a Care home just yet! I have my cat for company. I have 100’s of cd’s to listen to & books to reread! My collection of Dragons that cost me a lot to buy. I would miss all of these especially the thought that my little older boy cat would need a new home, would someone else love him & care for him? So think I will muddle along as long as I can unless something nasty happens!

My 82 year old DH has advanced dementia and has been in a care/nursing home since June . It is wonderful, the staff are all extremely friendly and jolly, so the general feeling is always happy and welcoming. I think we chose the right time to put him into this place as he has never queried where he is or why and doesn't mention home at all. We chose the home very carefully and it is expensive but so worth it!

I dread having to go into a care home. As others have said some can be very good but the cost is considerable and once any savings you have run out then you probably get shuffled off into a local authority home and experience tells me some of these are atrocious. If you have no-one to advocate for you or seek out a suitable place then you can end up anywhere and be miserable for what's left of your life. Very sad.

Susan56

I am looking for a care home for my 92 year old mum not for myself!

I was responding to Aveline the OP!

My mother's care home was like this , loads of activities going on and a really lovely atmosphere, I have told my daughter already this is where I want to be cared for, hopefully I will get a place. Only thing is when do you make that decision , my mother was nearly 90 going in and lived till she was 95.

I don't normally believe in telling lies but my mother would sometimes ask when she was going home. I would ask her if the doctor had said she could go and she would look a bit puzzled.
I would then say 'have you got your key?' She would spend ages rummaging in her bag and would find it so then I would say 'that's good, you'll be able to let yourself in'. Her house had been sold but I didn't tell her that. The stress of dealing with dementia is awful. When it reached the stage of me sitting next to my husband with tears dropping off my chin he said 'it is me or your mum'. He had been very good doing things like taking a meal to her every evening while I dished ours up but he had had enough.

Our local nursing home, where DH spent his final seven weeks, was above all kind which more than compensated for his small room. He felt safe and able to let go of life and had the peaceful end I wanted for him.

My dd is a manager in a care home. I cannot begin to say how dedicated she and her staff are. Each resident is treated as an individual, there are plenty of activities for those who want to be involved. There are staff with extra qualifications to enable them to care for residents with dementia. They go the extra mile to ensure everyone's beliefs are respected even though a social worker suggested they not bother because " they won't know if its vegetarian, vegan or anything else" I agree choose carefully, visit first and I hope all goes well

My Mum’s story is like Aveline’s. She had already said that if Dad died first she wanted to go into a care home. A community nurse who visited her a few days after he died was going to visit one that very day, recommended it and offered to take me with her to see it. Job done!
Mum enjoyed the company. She often went in the lounge the men mainly used as she said their conversation was more interesting! She went on outings. She didn’t have to worry about cleaning or where the next meal was coming from. She had help to wash and bathe. She got more exercise as the corridors had support rails. She had seven good months before she sadly died aged 92.

My Mum was in a lovely home, she had dementia and thought it was an hotel. It was recommended by the then mental health nurse who was assigned to Mum’s case, she was very helpful and we were lucky they had a room.

As with most things, it seems you get what you pay for. A relative of mine has recently moved into a wonderful care home - cost is over £2k per WEEK.

My mum spent the last year of her life in a very nice care home.
Everyday I visited and every day she asked me to take her ‘home’. ‘You’ve got a little corner for me , haven’t you?’
It broke my heart!
The carehome was nice with everything she needed but she just wanted to be at ‘home’.

The one near us is great. The gardens are fabulous and every window has a lovely view. The food is very good and residents can request anything they fancy if it's not on the menu. Very comfortable and absolutely no question of a bad smell.
I want to put my name down for it!

The simple fact is that homes vary enormously. Part of my social work job involved finding places for elderly people leaving hospital. And more recently I was involved in finding somewhere suitable for my late OH.
Some are excellent, some not. One left me weeping in the car park after looking at it for OH.
Just as homes are different, so individuals have different needs and preferences and it is good to list these.
For example my priorities would be lots of light, a view, a garden, no musak, privacy, wi-fi etc... even before mentioning the basics of respect, dignity etc.
I have seen many people thrive after entering a care home ... shed all their worries, make new friends (sadly briefly as they have a tendency to die off!), become healthier. It is all about shopping around and finding the right one. The seemingly small things really do matter, e.g. the way you like your tea, as mentioned above.

Yes, always a good idea to ask people who go into care homes as part of their job. When my mum had to go in, the shop that had provided her with mobility aids gave good advice.

One of my mother's neighbours told me that, if my mother ever needed to go into a home, to go and see her. It turned out that she is a hairdresser who goes to care homes. She recommended one and it turned out to be very good.
I had to sell Mum's house to fund it and found it disgraceful that we paid more than the council (taxpayer) did for people who did not have funds.

I am looking for a care home for my 92 year old mum not for myself!

I think if you’re posting on gransnet then you’re probably not ready for a care home.

Would you consider a retirement village?

My experience of visiting cares home isn’t too great. Most are smelly and terrible it’s best to visit one before committing to going into any care home to feel the ambience first and to decide if it’s for you or your family member. Good luck in choosing one and don’t always rely on any inspection report

Thank you Aveline.

My late MIL was initially unhappy in her care home. Her daughter asked for a meeting with the manager and told her what was important to her mum. For example she liked strong tea with only a little milk. Also she was very particular about what she wore. The cardigan had to match the blouse etc. She liked to wear make up and have her hair done regularly. The staff tried so hard to help and within days she had happily settled in. She remained there contentedly until she died. For some people it’s so important to be treated as an individual.

My mum who is a lot younger went into a care home earlier this year. She loves it. Nice staff, lots of people to chat to, activities and help whenever she needs it.

She went into this for respite care and got lucky with the one she went to. She has looked at others since to be nearer my sister but they weren't the right choice.

One of my neighbours used to run a well-regarded care home.
She said that most old people are very reluctant to leave their homes, but once settled into the care home, they are nearly always glad to be there. And with good food, their health improves too.

I hope you can find a good one. I always look beyond the fabric ie the furnishings etc. What matters to me is a feeling of homeliness, good food, company and kind carers.