Care home thoughts

BA69

Has anyone had experience of buying and living in a retirement apartment. I am 77 and have recently lost my husband, feeling a bit lonely and have considered buying one of these apartments after selling my house. It is early days yet and I haven't committed to anything but have had some negative opinions, eg. ground rent and maintenance charges going up quite a lot and people being unable to afford it anymore, not being allowed to do any improvements in your own home, being hard to sell these properties if you did have to go into a care home and having to pay the charges even if you are not living here. All very scary, I did like the idea of someone always being around and perhaps having a social life round my home but now I am not so sure. Any comments

My mum will be moving into a retirement property tomorrow! It is a wonderful place, yes the maintenance isn’t cheap but she can make home improvements if she wants to. She knows a few people in there already and my sisters and I have had glowing reports from our friends who have relatives there. If you can afford it I would say do it.

Aveline

CariadAgain you'd fit right in at the care home I visit. There's a residents association which meets regularly and points out anything people are not happy with or improvements they suggest. These are listened to and acted on. It's a very calm happy place. I have no axe to grind. I just observe and note as I go around.

That's absolutely how things should be indeed - ie a residents association for communal decisions to be made communally. So as long as "Mrs Always Tries to get her own way regardless" is kept an eye on (as there's always one of them.....).

I've seen another carehome years before that was of the good variety and my aunt (no I mean my grandmother!) had her own en suite room, it was modern, the funeral at the end was held in a large room they kept specially for functions, there was a little library right next door, etc. I did note favourably that the woman in charge and her sidekick came to the funeral as well.

But I'd still never go into one myself - no matter what the financial situation was - if only because my diet is vegetarian/healthy/trying new things regularly and I want my home totally silent (which my house is) and I would anticipate some level of being "watched over" and I wouldnt be able to "keep my options open" to decide my body had got to a level of illness I wouldnt live with and so I'd better "exit stage left" so to say (as someone would probably try and save me.....).

Again I can only speak of the Nursing Home where I live, I have a large room with patio doors leading out to a secluded part of the gardens, my own telephone, am on the internet,
Activities arrange much , I am not able to join any at the moment because of a spine problem, I always loved gardening
because I cannot go into the garden, hopefully I will soon, the
gardener comes to my room every week to chat about the gardens here.
I live in Wales so yes we have visits from a choir, quiz nights,
there is a pub, a kitchen for residents who want to do a bit of
baking.a cinema, Art classes ,poetry reading evenings, craft work afternoons , so many activities to take part in or not.

CariadAgain you'd fit right in at the care home I visit. There's a residents association which meets regularly and points out anything people are not happy with or improvements they suggest. These are listened to and acted on. It's a very calm happy place. I have no axe to grind. I just observe and note as I go around.

Definitely the case one would need to inspect them VERY carefully if it came to it.

I was in the position of having had to move to Wales (long story) and my parents were still both back in south-west England. My erstwhile brother and his wife were given all the stuff like "power of attorney"/basically made arrangements all round. Cue for we only managed to agree on two things:

1. my mother would refuse pointblank to go into any carehome ever (no matter what it was like) - as she's basically rather antisocial and likes things her way. So I insisted it must be the best carer firm available that would go in for several visits a day to her home and shopping was done online for her, etc.

2. My father had it made very plain to him by social services whilst he was "bed-blocking" in an NHS hospital that he was going to be made to go in a carehome regardless and my mother (his wife) didn't want him home anyway (!) and so I was the one that belted back to England to personally inspect any nearby carehomes that had made it through my online analysis of them all. From this - it is very necessary indeed to personally inspect any "possibles". My erstwhile sister-in-law was fixed on one - until she got it pointed out very strongly by me that it was right by a very busy road and that our parents home was 10 minutes walk away from it (after crossing that road) and I know my father well enough to know he'd have been out there trying to do so. Also I went through the home and barely saw anyone and did see various trip hazards and the like. I also saw two others where there was barely any sign of staff and I couldnt see any residents and they felt dire to me as well.

In the end I went into a modern purpose-built one - complete with handrails, sensory stimulation room (whatever that was - but it obviously meant they were trying), I could see various people living there and carers working there. When I spotted that there were a noticeable number of people walking up to the woman in charge as she showed me round and she instantly remembered their name and knew what they were likely to be concerned about I was veering in that direction. I then saw one of the people get obviously upset about something and a carer promptly sat down by her and put an arm around her = my decision was made on the spot.

It was rather unnerving that I had to make that decision all on my own and in the knowledge that the one I'd chosen was almost certainly the most expensive and my erstwhile brother/sister-in-law refused to give me any idea whatsoever what my parents financial situation was and I just had to think "Well - They can't chuck my mother out of her home whilst she still needs it and They can't sell it over everyone's head ditto. If it comes to it - then They will have to grab their house after my mother no longer needs it. But at least there is a fair bit of money in the house that They can grab if it comes to it to pay for a carehome - so it should last some time if need be". So I had no idea whether my - obviously expensive - choice could be funded!!! But I chose it - and I argued determinedly for it - and got it.

In the event - I'd just literally picked it in time before They announced "Covid" Lockdown and he was in there. Unfortunately, I never got to visit him in there - as by then They had stopped everyone doing everything and it was the initial "2 weeks" period They said Lockdown would be for. I believed them when they said it would be for "2 weeks" and decided to go back to visit just after that 2 weeks was over and we were back to normal again - only to realise about 4 days after the end of that "2 weeks" that no-one had officially announced it was over and we were back to normal again and They intended to keep Lockdown going for "who knows how much longer". So I was never able to see how things worked out in practice - and just had to cross my fingers they were treating him humanely and weren't forcing him to have "those jabs" or keeping him isolated.

Watching what happened in so many carehomes then and being shocked and horrified at forced jabs/waving through windows trying to hold "conversations"/etc was the final straw in my own personal decision that I will never go into one myself.

I'd bought a bungalow here anyway (more by accident than design), put a large walk-in shower in anyway instead of the bath whilst I was renovating the house. If the worst came to the worst one of my two options would be = throw money at it. Throw money at paying someone to do housework for me/throw money at paying for cooked meals to be delivered to me/etc.

I like company - but Lockdown showed me very clearly how many people like to "fit in" and I'm a questioner and certainly not someone who tries to "fit in" for the sake of it. So even the best of homes wouldn't suit me anyway...and hence part of why I wouldnt even consider going into one. If I spotted a bad system = I'd be working out a better one and wondering why if no-one would even consider it. If They did another Lockdown I'd "go on the run" quick and get out. All round - I'm too much of a thinker and too non-conformist to even contemplate the idea myself.

Nobody in the care home I visit is forgotten about. There's always something going on if people want to join in or it's fine if they prefer to stay in their rooms or find a quiet spot. Staff, visitors and volunteers keep an eye on everybody.

Quote Missiseff Sun 20-Oct-24 14:26:11
I'd hate it, and I'm sociable. The thought of going into a care home and being forgotten about terrifies me.

Why do you think your family would forget you ?

I visit a lady in her 90s in a care home just a 10 minute walk from her home. She had to sell it to pay for her care.

She has a lovely large room overlooking the gardens with her own en suite. She has kept her old telephone number and she is really good on the internet. Last time I went she was waiting for new hearing aids as her current ones are hopeless.

The home is a large, former country house and I guess about 25 people live there. She gets lots of visitors and some take her out for a drive and coffee/cake. She says she is very happy there but obviously there is nowhere like your own home. She accepts that she is not safe at home.

Has anyone had experience of buying and living in a retirement apartment. I am 77 and have recently lost my husband, feeling a bit lonely and have considered buying one of these apartments after selling my house. It is early days yet and I haven't committed to anything but have had some negative opinions, eg. ground rent and maintenance charges going up quite a lot and people being unable to afford it anymore, not being allowed to do any improvements in your own home, being hard to sell these properties if you did have to go into a care home and having to pay the charges even if you are not living here. All very scary, I did like the idea of someone always being around and perhaps having a social life round my home but now I am not so sure. Any comments

I'd hate it, and I'm sociable. The thought of going into a care home and being forgotten about terrifies me.

My mum went into a care home at 92 and initially it was fine. However the manager left and it went downhill very quickly. She was eventually moved into a nursing home and received excellent care there. The staff are everything.

Good news from anniebach

The best home when I was social working was the scruffiest one. The residents mucked in - there was one man who replanted the garden every day - the plants got moved around a lot, but he was happy! If someone suggested they fancied fish and chips in newspaper, the menu plans were ditched and off they went in the minibus to the chippy! One old lady had a parrot in a cage and she taught it to say "Bugger off Bert!" - he was her ex husband! She also wore her catheter bag strapped to her thigh with a sexy garter! All part of the crazy mix in this happy home where people could be themselves.

I used to have a job keeping SSD happy as they were sticklers for rules - I turned a blind eye a lot! - and zipped the lip, and kept my fingers crossed.

midgey

On another note, how lovely to hear Anniebach is happy and well! Good for you Annie.

One of the lucky ones

Katyj

My mum had to be discharged from hospital into a care home last December aged 92. I looked at seven different homes the two best ones wouldn’t accept her because of her mobility even though it was her social worker that recommended them.

The third on my list was my only option. The hospital and social worker were ringing everyday to see if I’d found a suitable one.
Turned out to be a bad decision. My poor mum was assaulted, after only three weeks. She was put under
Safeguarding, the police were called and the carer involved was suspended. I was all for moving her immediately but was reassured she would be very closely watched and looked after. She was.
The manager left shortly after and everything improved. Mum never really settled but her dementia was worse than we thought, she had forgotten the incident the day after.She passed away in June.
It’s a very difficult, and heartbreaking decision to make, especially if your loved one doesn’t want to go into care. I would look for personal recommendations if you can.

😩 🫂🫂🫂🫂

MissAdventure

Some of the men in the last place I worked used to "help" the maintenance man, even if it was just holding a door open for him, or something like that.
We also had a gardening club for anyone interested.

I really loved that job. (nt sure the maintenance man did sometimes!)

Good homes are few & far between

MissAdventure

That's just awful.
It gives all care homes a bad name when some places treat their residents in that way.
I'm glad he's home now, and hope you can get support to look after him.

Just mum & I looking after him, care package went- mums a self funder costing £680 per month for carers (1 hr Am & pm) to tip him into bed as mum has done everything by the time they arrive. We worked out it would be £45.000 per year for cheapest care home 😩
I’ve worked in care & I’ve seen it all!
It doesn’t pay to work, pay your taxes to have it all taken away when the time comes to go into care- whilst people who have drank, smoked, haven’t worked get it all for free 😩
I hope by the time I need care I hope this government has sorted out social care, or brought in a law for euthanasia.. drastic I know but I want a choice

Thank you midgey , yes I am happy with the nursing home I
chose, I think the fact that I decided I needed to leave my bungalow helped and aged 80 not 92.
I lived in Mid Wales, certainly did not want to live in a nursing home there, was given choices of many and chose a nursing home in South Wales 2 miles from where I was born and grew up.
I experience all on MissAdventure’s list, always asked not told
what I need or like. Go to bed when I choose, have my meals in my own room my choice. I have rheumatoid arthritis in every joint , toes to shoulders. Not helped by the problems of Covid and my daughter’s illness and death.
The nursing home has 4 residences , 1 for nursing care, 1 for disabled young people, 2 for dementia, the four are separate,
Choosing a nursing home where I use to live certainly helped, I was able to ask locals for their views on it.

On another note, how lovely to hear Anniebach is happy and well! Good for you Annie.

My mum had to be discharged from hospital into a care home last December aged 92. I looked at seven different homes the two best ones wouldn’t accept her because of her mobility even though it was her social worker that recommended them.

The third on my list was my only option. The hospital and social worker were ringing everyday to see if I’d found a suitable one.
Turned out to be a bad decision. My poor mum was assaulted, after only three weeks. She was put under
Safeguarding, the police were called and the carer involved was suspended. I was all for moving her immediately but was reassured she would be very closely watched and looked after. She was.
The manager left shortly after and everything improved. Mum never really settled but her dementia was worse than we thought, she had forgotten the incident the day after.She passed away in June.
It’s a very difficult, and heartbreaking decision to make, especially if your loved one doesn’t want to go into care. I would look for personal recommendations if you can.

That's just awful.
It gives all care homes a bad name when some places treat their residents in that way.
I'm glad he's home now, and hope you can get support to look after him.

My dad has been placed in three care homes. first one was a NH- he was discharged to their care, after a stint in hospital, he ended up back in hospital mal-nourished & dehydrated.
Brought him home from hospital & never returned him to the nursing home, we cared for him at home- even though his 5 free weeks wasn’t up!

Second home, lovely & bright, all the carers were very attentive first day- I visited tea-time, day after, he’s walking with someone else’s zimmer frame (he has bad mobility issues due to Alzheimer’s) no carers in sight, nothing on his feet but socks, wet up to the eyeballs. I visited every day, (we are supposed to be resting) as he’s there on respite- carers just huddled chatting at the dining table, my dad wet up to the eyeballs😞

Last home he’s put in permanently- same again all lovely on the surface- but dad is left in large lounge on his own, ( other residents retired to their rooms) I found him wandering around no zimmer & wet through or mucky- mum or myself ended cleaning & changing him- ended up with Covid - he’s now back at home & that’s hopefully where he will be staying until he dies.

I worked as housekeeper in a care home a few years ago, all men, quite a few with alcohol/drug problems, not all elderly. There were encouraged to help around the home (set/clear table, tidy garden, make bed, tidy room, put laundry away) but unfortunately the majority of them told staff "that's what you're paid to do "

Apparently it can help with the effects of dementia, too.

Actually having a "job" to do.
I've no idea it that is measurable, but I read it somewhere, years ago.

The best care homes encourage residents to help, it gives them a purpose and helps them feel part of the organisation..I love these stories of residents 'supervising' and feeling needed.

Some of the men in the last place I worked used to "help" the maintenance man, even if it was just holding a door open for him, or something like that.
We also had a gardening club for anyone interested.

I really loved that job. (nt sure the maintenance man did sometimes!)