Am I mad to feel hurt?

My turn next March when eldest D turns 50 I am in a similar boat to you so this resonates.
It would mot have occurred to me to go along with a “girls’ weekend” but on reading your post I wonder if I should not perhaps plan an event - meal, night away, theatre trip, something just for us four
Forewarned is forearmed. Time to put my thinking cap on!

I am glad that my post has had a positive outcome in that you are planning ahead! The slight complication here is that two of my DDs live locally and the birthday girl lives 3 hours away, so organising something for the 4 of us is not so easy without travel/accommodation challenges.

I have come to the realisation I am now at the back of the queue😬 in fact I might not be there at all.

When my DD got married she invited me and a friend to her hen do. It was an enjoyable weekend for lots of reasons.

Now, though, I probably wouldn't go. I'm twelve years older.

Why not organise a weekend away somewhere in this country, just for you and her?

I had a weekend in London, just me and DD, as we came out of lockdown and we had a great time.

I think you should feel a little left out- but you can put yourself back in there in other and maybe equally enjoyable ways.

You are definitely not a crabby old bat. I have been in the same situation. Our daughter has never included us in her birthday celebrations, special birthdays included. We are not estranged. It just doesn't happen. On her 40th, she celebrated with her husband, daughter and a friend. I can remember thinking 'I'm sure we had something to do with you being born'. It's hurtful but they're just being a bit thoughtless. Unfortunately we are included less as we age.

Luckygirl Just be happy that they get along so well. I have a daughter and 2 sons. The 2 sons, their wives and the kids get along well and are always doing things together. They leave my daughter out, but then, she’s a wet blanket, doesn’t drink and is a bit older than the daughters-in-law. But I still feel sorry for her. However, they all got together and planned a lovely celebration for my big birthday. So, can’t grumble.

Oh I truly am happy for them .... I always am .... I am just having a bit of a blip I think. It's all this bloody pain .....

I truly sympathise Luckygirl but also recognise that when something does not sit right with you you have three options
1) feel hurt and left out
2) share your feeling with one or more of your daughters
3) be proactive and somehow find something to suit all four of you.
Only you can decide which option suits you.

I do think it is an age thing. We remember ourselves as being young, pretty deeply in love with our boyfriend who became our husbands of many years until he died. We rember what it was like to always be going off somewhere together once our children had left the nest, getting back to what we used to be in our courting and young married days.

I do feel a wee bit jealous of our family, they are young, early 50's, their children (my/our grandchildren) now nearly 20 years of age and living their lives to the full and I wish I could go back in time to the 1960's and meet my husband again and live our lives all over again.

But it is not to be, I am in my 80's, my husband died a few years ago so I live a different life. I do not begrudge our family doing what we did so many years ago and long may it last. All I can say is that we had a charmed life, we were so very lucky and so much in love.

RosiesMaw2

My turn next March when eldest D turns 50 I am in a similar boat to you so this resonates.
It would mot have occurred to me to go along with a “girls’ weekend” but on reading your post I wonder if I should not perhaps plan an event - meal, night away, theatre trip, something just for us four
Forewarned is forearmed. Time to put my thinking cap on!

We did the same when oldest DD turned 50 last year; we went out for a meal with family.

She also celebrated with her siblings and friends.

I think it’s more a sadness thing. Kind of wistfulness about the fact that the wheel of Life is turning and as we age we become more aware of our mortality.

Maybe that’s just me though reading too much into it and feeling a bit emotional myself this evening.

Sometimes I think things need pointing out. In a nice way.

I will say nothing - I will as always be upbeat and show interest in how things are going - I will no doubt get a flood of photos on whatsapp as usual

That's just it, you are upset but they will never know because you are always happy to hear their news about what they're doing.

Should we tell them if we feel left out?
Probably not.

Your first paragraph, Lucky.....how wonderful that you can describe your Daughters in this way.

You have respectfully (and sensibly) not tried to organise or change their arrangements and you've not shown hurt or disapproval. I don't think I would want to confess my feelings to any of them. Why risk spoiling something they've enjoyed? But it's understandable you feel a bit miffed that you're maybe no longer up to joining in with any craziness they might plan. This is a big birthday for your first born, so now, why not organise something just for you and her? Time together, time to share and celebrate all the happy stuff that you remember and the joy of a good relationship. You're her Mum....that's special and I bet she'd be thrilled.

Please don’t think this is a ‘count your blessings’ post. That’s not my intention but my firstborn DD died one week before her fiftieth. She knew it was highly unlikely she would last to the day but still planned a ‘do’ at the local pub telling her sons that if she didn’t make it we were to celebrate her half century after her funeral.

That’s exactly what we did and practically the whole village turned up.

Her sister will turn fifty a week before Christmas and has decided she just wants to go out for a meal with her family and close friends. I haven’t been invited but I’m not upset because we do a lot of fun things together and TBH I’ll be glad to get it behind me.

I had to fill in a pre-op form this afternoon for a procedure in ten days time and being able to put a ✔️ in the box where they ask if there is anyone I can call at short notice should I need help when I get home means more to me than a birthday invitation.

As you say, our roles in their lives change.

It’s hard to accept that we no longer play much of a part in our descendents’ lives and I do sometimes wonder what I am for these days. I do sympathise, Luckygirl, and hope something will soothe your feelings. Being at the front of the queue is not something I ever anticipated.

I think is sad that we feel we can't say when we feel hurt/upset that we have to just grin and bear it or our grown family might get the hump. I understand why we do this, I do it myself, but whereas our grown family can say what they want without worrying about how it might land we have to be always hyper aware of what we say.
I just think this can lead to ACs feeling entitled to leave us out or push us to one side, without even being aware that they are doing this.
Having said this we just go with the flow and wait until we are asked/needed.

I think its great that you have brought up such independent young people. It's a credit to you.
Think in a way that they know you are very capable and self sufficient and not clingy or needy.
Some offspring are so over enmeshed with their parents and you have avoided this trap.
But I understand how you feel.
Perhaps you could arrange some sort of get together to show how much you still care.

They've reached middle age and probably just want to relive their youth... I hope they have fun..

I don't remember inviting my mother to my 50th either..

I can understand why you feel a bit miffed, but you’re probably feeling a bit down in the dumps anyway, with your pain it’s enough to make anyone fed up.
Try to forget about it, so long as they’ve had a lovely time together. These days big birthdays go on for a week or two, get in touch and sort something out that suits you both.

My son was 50 earlier this year and arranged various things with his immediate family and his friends, but also a separate meal also for his sister and her family, with parents and in-laws invited, which was lovely. Separately I paid for a special day out for just him and me, which he facilitated by driving us to the station. The best of all worlds.
I have never been invited on holiday with any of my family since they married but have never expected it. As they got older they wanted different adventurous trips we would not have enjoyed. But I have sometimes felt a bit sad- like you- but not upset.

Thank you all for your kind posts. I am of course pleased for them, and it is unusual for me to feel like this. Your messages have helped to sort me out. Thank you.
merlot

we mothers get inadvertently hurt by our 'children' but always put on a cheerful face and pretend we're 'okay' so as to not upset them don't we. me too.

Skydancer

Sometimes I think things need pointing out. In a nice way.

I agree.