Does anybody have literally nobody?

@NonGrannyMoll Sorry you're in this situation which puts it all into perspective. It must be lonely being a carer with very little company and support, plus you wouldn't be able to leave your husband to go out for any length of time and meet friends.

People are very much out of sight out of mind. Shame few bother with you both, despite your best efforts to join and twenty years is hardly a newcomer, even though some areas can be like that!

You're correct in being realistic and making the most of what you have is important. There's plenty to enjoy if you look hard enough and research is fascinating!

The positives are things are simpler with no demands, fallings out or expectations. No running around spending vast amounts of money on gifts which might not be liked, no arguments over where to go, being stretched too thin and not pleasing anybody!

I don't have literally nobody because my husband is still alive. However, he is a stroke survivor with reduced abilities, mental and physical, due to the resulting brain damage. I have absolutely no family at all. He has 6 nephews, none of whom even send a Christmas card, much less phone now & again to find out how he is. When we retired 20 years ago, we moved to a completely new area halfway across the country, thinking we'd easily make new friends, join clubs, do some charity work, etc. His strokes happened just under a year after we moved and we quickly discovered that, unless they've bosom buddies for donkey's years (and even then not necessarily), people don't keep in touch when you drop out of their immediate sight. Of the new friends & acquaintances I did manage to make here, just one pops in for a natter 3-4 times a year and, even then, I have to make an appointment that fits into her busy schedule of "real" friends. I have a suspicion that she thinks of us as a charity case or a some kind of duty she should perform as a good Christian.
So, effectively it's just us - and, because of DH's limitations, increasingly I feel it's just me really. The key is to not feel too sorry for myself and to think of the pluses to being alone rather than the minuses. It's hard when something goes wrong (leaking roof, central heating failure, tree taken down by a gale) but it makes some things much easier, not to say cheaper (no Christmas gifts to buy, no arguments to face about who hosts a family event, no need to heat the whole house, etc). I can sit here, on Gransnet or anywhere else, and be sure that I won't be interrupted. I can walk around the house in grunge order (or in no clothes at all), knowing that no-one will be knocking on the door (unless I'm expecting a delivery of course - Sundays are exquisite "me" time!). Yes, it can be horrendously lonely but, again, my key is to accept that I have to lead a solitary life and not keep hankering after other people to entertain me. If you're physically strong (and I'm not) there are a hundred and one societies and clubs to join, if you're into that kind of thing. Otherwise, there are websites like this one, or I can pick a topic and do online research (not everyone's idea of fun but I love it).
Luckily for me (and DH), we both appreciate the same kind of music (he's an ex-musician - curtailed by the vagaries of declining health), we love art & theatre (sadly, no decent galleries or theatres locally - a serious error in judgement when deciding where to move to! - but we have our books, CDs and DVDs collected over our combined lifetimes).
"Living with what I have and not giving in to unrealistic longings" is probably the short answer to "How do you cope?"

Thanks Aveline and it was just unfortunate. Better to be safe and here rather than stranded somewhere. They have busy lives, families and loads going on in the run up so no opportunity or I would have, but a great suggestion thanks! It's just a shame when you make efforts to meet.

Looked into voluntary work but nothing available for the short-term and looking to move in the foreseeable so pointless committing to anything here long-term. Applying for jobs and looking into courses to improve situation to move is the priority.

stayanotherday it's just bad luck that's all. It's not personally directed to you! Could you organise a little after work pub meet up or just a light lunch with colleagues? They probably missed the do as well.

If somebody is very depressed then that should in theory get you seen. It's a shame to suffer if something could be done and you've nothing to lose at that stage. NHS Direct carry's weight if you call them as it's on your record.

Couldn't go to the work Christmas lunch yesterday as no trains running, parts of the motorway were closed and it's very difficult to park in Cardiff. I could have tried driving on other roads but some were closed and I was worried about getting stranded on my own again like I was in London with storm Bert.

Some have had it far worse off. Just a bit annoyed and down as it's the only bit of company I was getting over the holidays. The food sounded lovely and colleagues are great. It was two hours of friendliness and fun but I couldn't have that. There's nothing planned now until the next work Christmas meal a year away.

This is another thing that happens unfortunately. Never any interruption to work, doing housework or helping out, and I never mind that, but always a problem when doing something fun. You can't help the weather or transport and it sounds daft, but typically the weather's fine today now there's nothing much to do and nowhere planned to go. Could read, go for a walk or watch something but I always do that on my own and am too down today. Back to housework it is. At least I know where I am and won't be let down in some way.

Hope everybody's having a good weekend and is safe.

Anybody feeling that they are " drowning" please try the GP. I know its very hard to see one sometimes.

Nobody chooses low mood.

It's the not knowing if things will change and you do what you can but it's hard. A retirement village if well run and friendly would be people in the same boat and feel safer.

Nobody is hated or rejected here. Everybody's welcome

LilacRain

I am nearly 40 and feel I will be in this position as I age.

Me too. It's so sad and worrying. Most of the time I absolutely dread the rest of my life. I just don't know how to make myself feel more positive.

I am nearly 40 and feel I will be in this position as I age.

That's me, I'm 58 years of age, I'm completely hated/rejected, I have no one, I'd like to meet and date a woman age 60 to 79

Establishment

I certainly plan on moving to this care home when I need to. Of course a lot depends on the manager and the current one obviously runs a happy estably.

Aveline

At the care home where I volunteer there are a lot of people who are on their own. Either no family or they are abroad and their friends are no longer fit enough to visit. I was very struck yesterday, looking round the group which I was running, at how happy they all seemed. There was joking and carrying on and they all seemed to be genuinely enjoying each others' company. There's lots going on for the Christmas period. One very elderly man said, 'I'd no idea it could be like this.' He'd been living on his own for years. He now wants to be woken early as he doesn't want to miss anything.

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me a bit of hope that my old age may not be entirely filled with loneliness and sadness. I hope to move to a retirement village with an on site care home (for when / if my needs increase). I think if I move there early enough, I will get to know people and make friends and not feel entirely alone in the world. I live in hope anyway!

How awful for somebody to end up on their own through circumstances who made efforts and socialised. Hope the lady can in time make new friends. Great people check in on each other as the fear lessens.

Yes, we can only do our best making the best of the situation but it is hard, an emptiness and sometimes fear that's there.

Thank you for your replies. Might go to the theatre tonight depending on how work and the storm goes. It's something different and gets you out of a rut.

@stayanotherday Thank you.

I think it is so easy to fall into this situation, especially if you are an only child. I try to stay positive, but some days I feel I just won't be able to cope if / when I find myself alone in the world. It hangs over me like a horrible dark cloud.

I have some friends, a couple, who have literally no relatives. They are very social folk and have many friends but friends as they age, diminish in number, age, move away, become unwell. I often wondered how one or the other would cope when the inevitable happened. Sadly, this week, the husband died. Only time will tell how his widow in her mid 70s will fare. I just can’t imagine being totally alone in the World although I do know loneliness even when surrounded by family and friends.
I and 3 friends who all live alone, ‘clock in’ with each other on WhatsApp each morning just to make sure we haven’t succumbed during the night! It is quite reassuring to know that we have each other’s backs.

Hello all,

Thanks very much again for the very kind and interesting posts.

Many have stopped going out or as much after the pandemic as it's still hard to socialise after being isolated for so long and with streaming services, groceries and takeaways being popular. Cinemas are quieter on weekdays and most have concessions. Smaller cinemas are quieter as well. A nice way to spend an afternoon, maybe lunch or a bit of shopping as well! We do have to fight it as things will disappear.

It's awful when people who have illnesses are abandoned and there's only so many times you can ask and message. It's being creative and thinking of other ways to find friends, even though that can be a hard slog. It's true you don't know how on your own you are until it happens.

Thanks for the kind wishes and am looking on job sites. Looking for a counselling qualification that might give a career change and no harm learning further skills!

A good idea for people to check in with each other as there's somebody to raise the alarm and maybe help out sometimes, as well as having some company.

@Strawberriesandpears sorry you're in this situation and welcome! There's no age restriction and some of us aren't grans so you're in good company. Wishing you and everybody on here good wishes. Thanks for joining and to all of you for replying. If it helps people to share or use the great advice given that's brilliant.

There's a storm affecting most of the UK over the next few days so hope everybody stays safe. The work Christmas do is in Cardiff this Saturday but will keep an eye on the trains after being stranded in London so will see what happens! Only staying for the meal as don't drink but it'll be nice to see the team and go somewhere different. Wally's deli is excellent as well!

I am sorry to hear about your situation @stayanotherday

I must confess being alone in life is something I worry desperately about too. I am an only child and have no children. I am actually fairly young (late 30s - I perhaps should not have joined this site as it is meant to be for those 50 plus I think) but I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. It has generated a good discussion. I send you my very best wishes for happy years to come.

It's an idea, but you could take it to the next level by having a little chat, too, maybe?

Although I have family and children that I am in touch with and meet up with occasionally throughout the year, your post has some resonance with me. Our children live a couple of hours travel away in the same county. We do meet up a few times a year, but we are not on the phone or message each other constantly, due to work, school etc and though we are retired we are as busy as everyone else. My worry is if either my husband or I was left alone would anyone realise if the other was struggling with health, or even die alone. I was thinking that if one of us was to die, the surviving person should just message a family member at an arranged time a few times a week so the family would just know that everything was still ok. I wonder if a similar arrangement could be set up with people who are not related, to set up small local groups just for tgis purpose?

What is this book? Spooky stories read out on a radio station. Possibly 📻 Nottingham

Well done stayanotherday! You've really grasped the nettle. Good luck with the job application.

Best wishes for the job application.
There are a lot of people who feel lonely and isolated exacerbated for various reasons.
Covid. Online shopping.Smaller families. Globalisation. Cutting off landlines. Women working more.
We must unite to fight it!

It's a situation someone has to be in, before they realise the impact of having nobody.

Nobody chooses illness be it mental or physical.The world moves on very quickly and it takes mental resilience to keep plugging away.

Groups? Mmmm, tricky. They have their own momentum and require energy to push through.