Embarrassed over my life at nearly 40.

It is difficult, I can appreciate that, when it seems that some people sail through life with apparently no problems.

If you read through gransnet, though, you will see that someone you or I might envy could well have their own problems.

Maybe they have an awful, overbearing partner, or selfish families that have put on them for years.

They may lack the confidence to strike out and live alone, sometimes for financial reasons.

It's not the case for everyone, and some are happily and comfortably married to the love of their lives.

We all have to make the best of the cards we're given, though, whether they seem fair or not.

I just wish I was thought of as highly by my family. Not looked down upon and judged.
I know people aren't thinking of me all that much but even a fleeting thought of 'Wow, still at home at her age?' is enough to bother me. Which I know is pathetic at my age. I thought by 40 you stopped caring so much what people thought but if anything it's got worse for me.
I do find it hard being around my sisters knowing they make my family proud, are supported in every way by their partners and are healthy. Tomorrow they will all just be discussing their homes as they do every time and of course I can't join in with that.
I wish it was my turn to be happy. I try so hard in life but here I am.

Oops. Apologies, I think I was too harsh.
Sorry you're having a bad time.

I think you are giving far too much headspace to what others think of you.
The truth is, most people don't care, really, about your sisters, or you.

Because they are all dealing with their own crap.
They are probably little else than polite to your parents, because they have their own families to think of.

The comments had me in tears. I am definitely staying away from there .

OP, stay off Reddit!

I do work. I don't want to be too outing but over the last 2 months, my second self employed job has been going very well and I'm hoping that can progress even further next year. I hate my first job but I am working. I just don't earn enough to have my own place.

I wouldn't be so certain about my parents not wanting me to be a carer. Even my mum admits that my dad 'forgets' I have 2 autoimmune diseases. I just get on with things and they don't ask questions or ask how I am feeling. It's almost like there is nothing wrong with me in their eyes.

I think it all feels heightened tonight. Everyone seems to be having a lovely evening and I'm not. Going to watch some Eastenders and try and take my mind off it all.

Lilac, you are worrying too much, your parents are in their early sixties, they know your battles so would hardly want you to be carers. Could you try to get a part time job at first, see how that goes, something that has you mixing with people or do voluntary work, it doesn't have to be physical. You sound as if you have a lot to offer and you just need more contact with others. I have been at home a lot due to circumstances and I could feel my mood changing. We think people have their lives all sorted but many are far from that. So tomorrow act as if you're enjoying the day, don't envy others it eats away at you. Think positive and soon you will be. You are far from alone with your feelings as LoveOc says.

LilacRain I would not assume everyone is happy just because they look it or say so. To so many people I have the perfect life. I have made so many rubbish choices and decisions I can't tell you! My biggest was made over 40 years ago and I have stuck with it. Believe me, you are not alone!!!

I feel awful tonight. It's awful being the black sheep of the family and wanting to wish away Christmas day because of it. My sisters are happier than ever and thriving with the love and support of their partners.
I'm sure the neighbours all pity me especially as my parents keep boasting about them and how well they are doing in a personal sense. It will take a battle of wills to get through tomorrow that's for sure. I know it's silly envying others lives as with most people, we all go through our good and bad times. Yet for me, as I described in my OP, it has been a series of crap since 2020 really. My sisters have done nothing different to me except be lucky enough to meet lovely partners who will provide for them in every way. They are physically healthy and want for nothing. I would love that kind of easy life.
I was discussing still living at home on reddit. Yes I know, big mistake but they all said I should be ashamed and that I should feel inferior to my sisters as they have worked on their personal relationships and so are much better people than me.
I feel like however loud I shout nobody hears me. They all just believe what they want to as CariadAgain said. I know I don't have to focus on that and should just focus on my own life and not the delusion they sprout but easier said than done.

They're assuming what they want to assume - rather than having an adult conversation.

A heck of a lot of people just go round blithely assuming everyone has the same assumptions as them and uses the "language" the same way they do - rather than checking.

It's not easy - and I've only had a (very minor) example of me saying something (to a delivery workman) earlier today who didn't "hear" what I was saying to him. Shoulda been more direct with him - in case he was trying to pretend I hadnt said what I had indeed just said to him. Salutary reminder that many people will do their darndest to avoid having direct conversations and/or they know very well what you are saying to them, but are pretending they don't.

They are probably not looking at this logically - as in you're a person in your own right, with a life of your own to lead and, as you've said, health concerns that might play you up more as time goes on.

Many people are remarkably adept at only seeing what they want to see/hearing what they want to hear - and studiously ignoring the rest.

I definitely need to work on my assertiveness.
I think my parents are a bit delusional about it all to be honest. Especially my mum who considers herself still young and she will say how awful it is that my aunt is a carer but she doesn't see that when my grandmother was in her sixties, she was a lot healthier than my mum is now and took responsibility for her health.
I just wish they could have a mature discussion with me about future care plan needs and how that will look. It wouldn't be fair for me to take on the main bulk, especially with my own health needs and not knowing how they will look in the next decade or so. As I said upthread, it would surely be very foolish of them to have me in place as future carer knowing my own health is likely to get trickier as time goes on.

Second thought - there was a bit of a fashion some years back for "assertiveness training" courses. They were only a day or two long and there's a couple of very good books about this. What they teach is that there are 3 ways of going about things - passive (ie let people walk all over you/manoeuvre you to do as they want), agressive (the reverse - ie walking over others) and assertive. Assertive means not allowing others to walk over you and not walking over others - just quietly/firmly repeat words like "No I don't want to" to any unreasonable requests.

The "broken record" technique is something I've remembered very clearly from that - which is if someone is pushing and pushing or manoeuvring and manoeuvring for something unreasonable to be done by you just say words like "No - I don't want to" and repeat that same phrase again and again and again and again - however many times you need to. No big explanations - as they will try and think up counter-arguments. Just say "No - I don't want to" or "Stop it" or whatever are the quick/sharp relevant words appropriate to those circumstances.

I've had to do it in two circumstances I remember distinctly - 1. next door neighbour and their visitors trying determinedly to trespass in my garden here - so it was "It's my garden...it's my garden....it's MY garden" repeated about a dozen times before they got out of it. Another time a man was pushing madly for sex and the broken record then was "I don't want to...I don't want to...I don't want to...." and that also had to be repeated about a dozen times in quick succession before he shut up and behaved himself. You will be given a very deliberate "Look" as if you are odd when they click what you are doing (and they will.....) - but it works......

From memory - the main book is "A woman in her own right"...author Anne Dickson. Though my memory may be deceiving me - but I'm pretty sure that's the title and author.

LilacRain

My parents are only in their sixties as they were 23 when they had me. We are not at that stage yet but I can see it happening especially with my mum who is more like a woman in her late seventies or early eighties with all her health issues that she refuses to treat.
My aunt made the choice to be at home even though she could financially move. I am not entitled to any health pay or anything like that. I do have 2 chronic diseases but there are times I am well.

I haven't contacted any carers group as I am not yet one.

I do need to stand up for myself and make sure I don't fall into my aunts life. As I age I have been told my RA could get worse due to the menopause. My parents would be very selfish to expect me to become a carer to them and foolish given my own health. I could well be in a worse state than them by the time the whole carer thing becomes an issue.

I am looking into joining a friends app. Someone messaged me here with a suggestion so I am hoping something will come off that. I really need some supportive people in my life.

Re the "not having contacted any carers group" as you "arent yet one".......I would think it's worth your while to do so anyway and tell them the position you are in (ie you aren't a carer - but it feels like your parents are trying to "line you up in place" to be one in the future). Many of them will have been in a similar position and will see "the road ahead" for you more clearly than you can iyswim.

I think a lot of parents do "assume" a selected offspring into being a carer for them. Some of us are fortunate and can see ahead as to how things will be if we arent firm about it. I know my father warned me years beforehand "Your mother will try to turn you into a carer later on - as that's what her own mother (grandmother!) did to her". There was nothing wrong with my mothers health at that time as far as I knew. But I knew what he'd said and I knew he'd told me "Don't do it! -She will drive you mad trying". Those weren't his exact words - but that was the message.

I was well aware my brother would be a much more suitable carer for her than I would if it came to it anyway. He was her favourite child and he had a marriage partner. I was the child she would tell to shut up the second I used a word with one too many syllables in for her liking and she couldnt understand what I was saying and I didnt have a marriage partner to help. So it was a combination of two things that meant I didn't get put in that position personally:
- My brother being so much more suitable than me in his circumstances and he'd never use a 3 syllable word if a 2 syllable one would do....he is very much at her level.
- A former work colleague of mine knew the family set-up and said to me "I've worked for Social Services before now. You are being set-up to be a carer - don't do it! I can tell you that Social Services will also try and put pressure on you to do this - as it will save them money and resources helping with this if you just take it on unpaid and do it for them". She was very blunt with me - and I could see she was right and it was done from a position of concern for me. That was before all the cutbacks of recent years - and yep....phonecalls from them to me (but not to my brother!!!!) nearer the time were trying to manoeuvre me into it.....but I was prepared to fend them off because of my former work colleagues pre-warning and they did get very firmly routed in my brother/his wife's direction and informed I lived nowhere near my mother (ie an 8 hour odd train journey away) and my brother/his wife had a car and lived a 2 hour odd car journey away.

So don't assume they will need a carer. Don't assume it will be you if it comes to it. Your siblings are better placed to do it by the sound of it if push does come to shove - a. they're married (ie potential help from husband) b. they have more money than you.

Don't just sit there and "resign yourself to your fate" - ie the fate others have decided on for you.

Smileless2012

You should be very proud LilacRain. Despite your health issues, you're working and saving hard. There's no shame at still living at home at 40.

Have you talked to your parents about your concerns regarding your mum's health? This is a conversation any loving adult child would feel the need to have, to hopefully encourage your mum to see her GP.

As FriedGreenTomatoes has posted Good people count in this world and you sound like a good person to me x

I agree and I wish you luck

My parents are only in their sixties as they were 23 when they had me. We are not at that stage yet but I can see it happening especially with my mum who is more like a woman in her late seventies or early eighties with all her health issues that she refuses to treat.
My aunt made the choice to be at home even though she could financially move. I am not entitled to any health pay or anything like that. I do have 2 chronic diseases but there are times I am well.

I haven't contacted any carers group as I am not yet one.

I do need to stand up for myself and make sure I don't fall into my aunts life. As I age I have been told my RA could get worse due to the menopause. My parents would be very selfish to expect me to become a carer to them and foolish given my own health. I could well be in a worse state than them by the time the whole carer thing becomes an issue.

I am looking into joining a friends app. Someone messaged me here with a suggestion so I am hoping something will come off that. I really need some supportive people in my life.

I really believe that if we could get into a Tardis - many of us would have done things differently .

How often have I heard my friends say I wouldn't have married my husband and then , but then I wouldn't have had my children !

I don't think that you should feel any shame .
You're doing your best .
You aren't that well .
Don't compare yourself to your siblings or friends .
People are very free with their criticisms .

Just make sure that you set your boundaries :

My father couldn't wait for me to move in with him so that he had constant care .
He was nice for a week and then , the criticism started .
He actually behaved very badly.
We needed to move into a more suitable house or have the house altered .
He flatly refused .
I should have insisted .even if it meant saying ,
OK , Dad either we move or alter the house or I'm afraid that I can't care for you .
Eventually , he altered and became appreciative .

Stand up for and believe in yourself .
Do what is right for you .
Take care .
Good luck .

Hi, I had to join up as I felt so compelled to reply to you. I'm in a similar position. I understand the feelings of shame, and feeling left behind when everyone else's life has moved on. I was a young carer, this started when my parents got divorced and my Mum then leant heavily on me. I ended up spending my 20s isolated, unemployed (not for lack of trying to find work, I was desperate for work) I walked on eggshells around Mum's moods and was desperate to leave home to get away from this, but I had no money.

In later years when I managed to get full time work, I mentioned moving out. My Mum and other relatives were very upset and angry with me, and gave endless guilt trips. So I stayed to keep the peace.

I've never had a social life, so no chance of relationships, and will be too late to start a family of my own. I could be looking at another 30 years of this. By which time I'll be in my early 80's, in goodness knows what state of health.

OP please look into building a life of your own. When you say your parents don't seem to want you to move out, it definitely sounds like they've you lined up to be their carer. See what financial help you can get for your health conditions, I don't know if you'd get pip or anything like that. Did you get an assessment for social housing where you might get points for your health. Take stock of your finances and see where you can make savings.

Also if your parents need to go into care, where will you live? Are you named at all on the house?

Good parents who care about their children shouldn't refuse Carers if they need them. It's selfish to expect your child to do all the caring alone to the detriment of their own life. If you had a child, would you expect them to do this? Please be aware too that other relatives may ramp up the pressures on you to continue caring, living at home, and possibly to give up work, especially given the situation you mentioned with your aunt.

Have you any support outside of the home? Friends? Carer support group? Did you ever get a Carers assessment? You can get one from your GP surgery or social worker.

Please take care of yourself. I'm still trying to dig myself out of this mess. I wish you the absolute best of luck in building a lovely life for yourself 💐🍫🍰

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of - you are not old !!!! However I sense your concern. Please speak to your parents , get out as much as you can . You say you are happy being alone and I respect that , however do try and mix. Your Mum is hard of hearing , I am very aware of how hard that is for the people they live with ! Hearing loss that is not addressed can lead to dementia. You have two sisters, are you able to meet with them and voice your fears , they are not just your parents - there are two more ' children ' and they should be recognizing your situation and supporting you. If you don't shout out loud and clear they won't hear you . If you appear to be managing they will leave you to manage ! Speak up and I wish you good luck for your future.

Why would you be embarrassed just because you live at home, I’d put my energy into trying to get out of London you say your savings are too high to get help for pip. And you aren’t bad enough to receive it. I wouldn’t be envying my sisters many siblings envy each other it’s just pointless! Go out and meet people, rather than spend it inside with negetive thoughts, have you got any friends ? Sometimes you have to push yourself as nothing will come to you if you don’t try, make 2025 the year make plans now

LilacRain Two pages of help, sympathy and advice, but you seem to have made no response to the many suggestions for help. In most of your posts you simply justify why your life is as it is and can't be changed. No response to those who tell you that your sense of shame and embarrassment is unjustified.

I, like everyone here has a lot of sympathy for your situation, but why come and ask for helpful suggestions and then ignore them? You seem to have convinced yourself that nothing can be done, so nothing is happening.

LilacRain

I still live at home for a start. I'm near London and single.
I work but have two autoimmune diseases which means I struggle to work full time. I got both diseases in my thirties within 2 years of each other and got made redundant from a job I loved during covid.
All my peers have moved out with their partners.
I feel so ashamed of myself and when I go on other forums and the discussion comes up about adults living at home, I feel myself burn with shame.
I am saving hard and am a good person but I feel so embarrassed at how I have ended up here at 40.
My parents don't seem to want me to move which also worries me as I think they are looking at me to be a carer to them which makes me panic massively. They had me at 23 so are still in their sixties but I worry my mum already has dementia and other health issues which she refuses to treat (keeps falling, often dizzy and clammy etc) . I feel very alone so thought I would post here.

I am so sorry you feel this way, and hope you can soon resolve some of your issues.
I totally agree with MOnica’s reply, so do make sure to read it. She always gives good advice and I certainly can’t think of anything to add to it.
Hugs

Maybe start doing things with other people, Lilacrain? Could you manage yoga or Pilates groups? Or a swimming class? A book group? Start saying yes to anything anyone invites you to! If something turns out to be a disaster - well, you never have to do it again.

If you have high savings, can you use some of the savings to convert the garage or an outbuilding in your parent’s house into a bedroom with shower room to give you that separate independent living you are looking for? How about a garden room at the bottom of the garden?

I am the same age as your parents, it will another 15 to 20 years before your parents need any caring.

I am not envious of my sisters for being married. I do envy their easy lives however.
Yes, PIP is extremely hard to get especially as I work and have times when my symptoms are lessened.
I am too much in my own company but difficult when most of my peers are busy with kids and family. I spend a lot of time alone doing things which I like in some ways but not in others.