False Memories

Lizzy pop bottle, I’m the oldest of 3 sisters, born over 8 years. We often compare memories of events, or our experience of being parented.
As her majesty once commented, recollections may vary -at least that’s our experience. We share some beliefs based on individual experiences, of positive or negative experiences of our parents
We are similar yet very different. As adults we recognise our personalities influenced -not all down to mum and dad as our influences played a part

The parent's lot - we are to blame and when we are not to blame we are still to blame for pretending to be blameless.

My late dad clearly remembered being in hospital when he was born, and could describe the windows in detail, as seen from his cot.
He was absolutely sure it was a real memory until it was discovered that he had actually been born at home.

It's easier to remember the bad stuff.

My next sister is precisely 1 year and 11 months younger than me (she hated being called 2 years younger!) We were together for much of our childhood, and had the same upbringing, going to the same school and daily life at home. We have of course a lot of memories in common, yet we also have memories that we are convinced are true, that the other sister says never happened , or that we had misremembered the same occasion. It is partly, I think, because you have your own special interests, so you remember something that appealed or affected you more , so stands out in your mind. Another person would remember a different part of the same occasion. So I have always liked coffee in cakes or anything and she liked marzipan . So we would remember the same party together but the cakes that we liked would not be remembered by the other one. In the same way if the police ask for details from witnesses they remember different things. So when you talk to another person and they remember different details of the same time, you see each other as either liars or wrong, and then you want to convince them that you are right, so you can put more and more emphasis on that thing and it can become a battle to win., so you keep reliving the battle and going round and round and getting now where
I was quite bright, but as the eldest I was expected to take my sister with me , and I was always told to take care of her etc. You are the eldest, dont let her go in the road , scuff her new shoes, or whatever. If we did anything wrong or came home late etc. it was always "you are the eldest, it is your responsibility. Someone of your intelligence should know better" So that responsibility made me feel anxious about things and feel I had to make sure everyone was safe and ok and so my sister and I can agree about everything that happened at a party or an occasion, but she felt comfortable and laid back and hadnt got that attitude . That can show that two people can experience all the same things but react in a differnt way.
I think you will really not get far trying to stop her way of thinking and she will believe her own version. So there seems to me to be a choice of which way you go. If you feel this is beginning to wreck your total relationship, as she will keep saying her version is true and you will feel so upset and angry at the way you are portrayed. Then maybe you might either try to speak to a counsellor, either on your own, who you could explain how this is making you feel , or if your daughter is willing to have some joint sessions, if she prepared to try and look at things with someone who is outside the situation, Or, a couple of other suggestions, when she starts to talk like this ,choose some non judgemental reply. So you might just say "well we have different memories of this" where you are clearly not agreeing with her , but you are not telling her she is wrong either. If you then change the subject or close that conversation in reality by saying something like Im just going to put the kettle on etc etc. . If she insists on going on trying to get you to accept her version, I think you could also consider just not replying to any comment on her words and literally move away, going into another room or just remember you need to get something or go to the bathroom. Hopefully you might have a close friend who knew you she she was young, who you could go to , to be able to speak to someone who could confirm your version. Then for a physical thing, when she has left and you are on your own with no one about, then think about what she said and thump a cushion to let some of the anger out!! I hope that things improve for you , just dont let her spoil your pleasure of today with making you concentrate on the past which you cannot improve by whatever you do now. I would make a resolution to let this fade and spend more time trying to enjoy today.

In my family, my DD does this too, usually laughing while saying things that I have no recollection of. Or saying things through the eyes of a child, like 'making' her wear smart clothes at a casual event. I only have positive memories growing up

Stews and casseroles!!! I blame Delia.
I would answer this every single time and roar with laughter.

Pudding bowl haircut!!, I blame Vidal Sassoon. Anything else? I am sure you can blame Mary Quant for something.

Don't argue back just do not hear her when she starts bitching and carry on as if nothing was said. I have found just ignoring the words of someone trying to get a reaction out of me and carrying on with the previous conversation quite effective.

Yes MOnica is right, it's the reaction they want, can't they talk aboit something else!

Our kitchen wall was for several years decorated with an illuminated manuscript which said “A parent’s place is in the wrong”, DD’s effort in art. Good thing we did actually believe it.

Haha, GrannyS, I love it

Freshair

In my family, my DD does this too, usually laughing while saying things that I have no recollection of. Or saying things through the eyes of a child, like 'making' her wear smart clothes at a casual event. I only have positive memories growing up

Perhaps ignore anything you find silly?

You've hit the nail on the head with that post Babs .

I have always said that a mother's place is in the wrong, and I am quite comfortable there. Got an armchair, a cushion and a good book.

MOnica - my friends in the late 70’s crossed out Wrong and wrote in World
You’re right though, so laugh these days with my daughter as they tell stories of being the worst mother in the world. Get in the queue

Yes, it's funny how memories vary. I was raised with 3 siblings, each with about 3 years between us. So we carry different memories of events in our childhood. My older sister has a remarkable memory, remembering snowstorms in the winter of ---, or being on holidays in a hotel in France when Nixon resigned. I am amazed at some of the things she will bring up. I must have taken a mind-cleansing potion since I don't remember any of these things! But she also is a pessimist, and remembers more unhappy events, or will put a pessimistic view on other memories. I guess I have always been the cup half full type of gal, and have more good memories than bad.

Our middle son seems to misremember some things, also putting a pessimistic slant of some of his childhood memories. For instance he says he had a 'crappy' bike. I remember well paying a pretty penny for his bicycle, but he had friends with richer parents, and of course theirs were always better, so his was never as good by comparison. He complains we never put him in ice hockey. I indeed did, but he cried the first three times and we didn't go back.

These are small things really, but it irks me to hear he thinks we didn't do well enough for him.

Overall, I think we didn't do too much harm raising our children! They are all healthy and reasonable successful adults now, with lovely families.

Perhaps it’s because I am older (58) perhaps it’s because both of my parents have died and are much missed, but I can’t help but think that some people focus on the wrong things. My parents weren’t perfect, but they loved us, lived each other and always did their absolute best. I too survived casseroles 😂

I have this with my eldest daughter. Some things are vaguely true but some just never happened and she loves telling people and every now and then I get some mum
Bashing which I then get told to stop playing the victim.

I think there’s a lot more ‘parent bashing’ these days and it’s seen as acceptable by younger people. It’s probably the reason that there are so many estrangements these days. There are probably a number of reasons for this, but it’d take a thesis to sort them all out.

It’s very sad though.

There's quite a but written about false memories. However sadly for you one of the biggest factors is that the person believes those memories and it becomes 'thrleir truth', no matter how much you say it didn't happen they 'know' it did. It's a hard one, but maybe looking up "false memories" and obtaining some information to pass onto your daughter might help 🤞🏻

Their truth

How do you know that the belief that it didn't happen is not a false memory ? ?
There's a lot of dismissal of other people's lived experience.

That's why false memories can be so damaging Shandy, once something becomes someone's 'truth' and they 'know' it happened there's nothing you can do about it.

If something's a false memory welbeck it never was a lived experience; it never happened.

The whole false memory thing is very interesting I think.

I definitely have one very clear (to me) false memory from my adulthood, of my daughter as a small baby lying on the sofa, in the living room with the sunlight on her face making her blink and sneeze.

I know this is a false memory because a) we did not buy that sofa until she was three and b) the house we lived in when she was a baby faced north.

But it is totally real as a picture memory. Obviously I have conflated stuff from babyhood, later and maybe even a totally different place. Or a dream🙄

Smileless2012
But that is begging the question.
Suppose I assert that I hated going to infant school
Whereas my parent asserts that I skipped into class happily every day.
Which is the false memory?
Or is it even a useful concept?
Not in all cases.
An open listening conversation would be better with mutual input.