False Memories

False memory can be a terrible and dangerous thing! Some people have been accused and sentenced to prison and had their lives and reputations ruined on the strength of 'false memory'. Therapists & other mental health workers tend to encourage and act on these memories as they are afraid they 'MAY' be true.

@ExDancer if you don’t mind me asking, does your daughter have any signs of an eating disorder?
Even if she doesn’t, have you considered family therapy to work out why you have such different recollections?
My older daughter is anorexic. She’s currently an inpatient at a clinic (and very determined to get better). It’s always noticeable that her memories of eating and her ideas about her appearance are completely different from my own. In family therapy we can discuss all this difficult stuff fairly safely.
On the other hand, with most of my children most of the time I trust their memories more simply because they are younger and things are more vivid for them.

Even if she was correct - what does it matter? i gather she is not telling people you abused her either mentally or physically?
Maybe, when she tells the stories that people are probably fed up of hearing , you say that you didn't have much money so you did what you did . I think the more you disagree the more you feed into her stories . I think she is being perverse for the fun of it?

Um - the phrase "recollections may vary" might at least put across your daughter is mis-remembering any event!

DD2 frequently reminds me that when she was about 10 I put her on a diet because she was fat. She was a bit chubby but not massively so. She was fat because I kept buying foods that she liked to eat, as well as healthy foods that she didn’t like! Either way I couldn’t win! She’s now a healthy size 6/8 and eats whatever she wants, but mostly healthy non processed food!
Mums can’t win!

The role therapists could play in all this has been raised, I think a really good professional therapist is worth his/her weight in gold, but as has been highlighted by a recent investigation into therapy, there are some rather dodgy types out there who are neither monitored or expected to be qualified in any way. Fact is there have been cases of therapists/counsellors creating false memories in their patients but imagine this is extreme, however, I do think that some therapists will seek to manipulate the narrative and cause those easily influenced to turn against their loved ones.
Not at all sure if this is the case with this young woman but am sure it has happened with other ACs.

This thread just opened up a conversation with my youngest adult DS, about how 2 of his older siblings occasionally sound like they were deprived or raised in a super strict household, making it sound as though home life was devoid of fun.

This is something I absolutely refute, as I always went to great effort to fill their time out of school with what I thought was fun activities. He said he doesn't take any notice of them as they exaggerate about everything and like to make out our 2 youngest had everything easy.

He did go on to say however that there were times when we didn't have much money, and they actually had to eat canned foods. The horror of it! I can't believe I was so callous as to feed my offspring something out of a can, you know, the kind of thing we were all brought up on. I pointed this out and his response was firstly that, that was OK when I was a child, his next comment was that he wasn't going to continue this conversation, as what he would say about that would only upset me.

I know it's probably ridiculous but I feel really quite gutted.

I too said that... my Mum (a teacher) slapped my legs - but bit don't remember it happening again...

I had what I thought was an accident in that I was at the local swimming baths with my brothers and cousins. My aunt and cousins came upto stay with us during the school holidays. So as a treat took the 6 of us swimming, the swimming baths had showers next to two very deep bath tubs. And I truly believed I’d slipped on the wet floor and fell backwards into a bath of really hot water and suffered some serious burns to my backside and legs. It was only 30+ years later my cousin admitted to pushing me back into the bathtub. Thank goodness my father was never told of the real reason I fell in the bathtub, as it would have caused a huge fight in the family, as he thought his sister was too soft on her children. It’s amazing what tricks the mind can play on you.

I think there is a time when our parents are older, to not mention their failures to them, say aged 65 and upwards…

I was talking with my DB recently and he related some trauma he had gone through as a child. I don’t remember it that way, but what I did say to him was, all three of us grew up in that hellish environment, we were all affected by it and have our different perspectives, but I accept our selves and what we’ve each emerged from it with.

I made stews and curries every night for my son when he would get in from school. Fresh veg brought on my way home. Sometimes a pasta dish with fresh pesto.
Imagine my secret delight when he was new into fatherhood and marriage, he told me he loves making curries and ‘even’ pasta with pesto sauce.
Grin.

My mother has a selective memory when it comes to her lack of parenting skills too OP I put it down to liberal prescriptions of Librium

It seems they grow up with a few small things that gets blown out of portion..
I've had stuff said to me as well. It's very upsetting.
Once or eldest granddaughter 20 say at the table with her boyfriend.
We were talking about the past.
I said I know I wasn't the perfect mother and I don't think anyone is.
We learn as we grow with the kids if you have them very young.
Granddaughter turned around and said no you were not was you.
I went god good I didn't beat it starve the kids.
Wheres this coming from.
She said you put grandad first before my mother.
I went what... Nothing more said.
Still don't know what it really is. Pleases don't let her bother you. She's looking for reaction from you and getting it. Just like me.

Surely her Dad would remember such incidents or siblings!

I have an enduring memory of meeting my Mum's grandparents, in their back garden, when I was about 8. We lived in Leeds, they in Enfield. Since doing my family history I realise this is an impossibility because they were both dead by then. But I still 'remember' it.

One of our son's believes he had a neglected childhood but we realise now that his wife put the idea into his head and it has stuck. She is a helicopter mother, so by her standards I suppose we were pretty neglectful!

My son who is mostly estranged from us, although there is occasional contact, has different memories to myself and other family and friends. I'm willing to accept that any or all of us could have faulty recollections, but any suggestion that he's misremembering is 'everyone ganging up' on him. It makes it very hard to make progress on building bridges. He has had a lot of therapy and the memories seem to have emerged from that, and sometimes changed when he changed therapist.

I have a son who is now estranged from us for exactly this reason. His sister was brought up exactly the same as him and although she has told me there were some issues she has been willing to talk to me about them and listen to me about how things were for me at the time. We do have an advantage in that she is training to be a counsellor and as such she has to go through counselling herself and i have also had sessions with a counsellor for the last nine months. I have told my daughter that should she want to , I will talk about absolutely anything she wants about her childhood.
I would like to have given my son the same chance but he has just cut us all off , including his sister and her family.
He stated in a letter that he had become a better husband and father since distancing himself from us so he was choosing to maintain that distance.
The door will always be open to him but we must get on with our lives in the meantime. You only live once.

I'm so relieved to hear that it's not just me and my DD.
Some of the things she avidly recounts are so awful that I can't understand why she has anything to do with me.
Needless to say, I can't remember being such a ghastly person, so it certainly is true that recollections differ!

It is a well-known fact that families remember the same events differently, and that one member of a family may not remember something another does,

A false memory could well be something your daughter was told about having happened to an uncle or aunt - the pudding basin haircut sounds much more like something an uncle or grand-uncle had experienced rather than anyone of our children's age.

I do not think it is a good idea to continuly deny that these things happened. Simply say to your daughter that you have no recollection of many of these things. Then point out that you find it hurtful that she continually blames you for things you simply do not remember, and ask her to stop doing so.

I have read that people undergoing therapy have been known to come up with stories about their childhoods which are false.
It is obviously very upsetting for parents to be told about things that didn't happen. I think there are some therapists who have something to answer for.

It's very odd -- I remember clearly discussing things with my DS when he was a teenager or very young adult but he now says he has no recollection of them.
As an example he told me his friend's father used to hit his mother (this was true, she left him shortly after and said why) but he is adamant he never said anything like that (or at most he cannot remember it at all.)

This is very sad for you. I have had similar conversations with my daughter over a number of years. Despite the fact that we try to support her in every way, and always have done, she is very critical of us both. She was in a coercive control marriage and I sometimes wonder if the bile he spouted about our entire family has coloured her view. I don’t know, but I feel very hurt by it. Especially as we try so hard to help her so much.

Her brothers have never behaved this way.

leeds22

I have an enduring memory of meeting my Mum's grandparents, in their back garden, when I was about 8. We lived in Leeds, they in Enfield. Since doing my family history I realise this is an impossibility because they were both dead by then. But I still 'remember' it.

One of our son's believes he had a neglected childhood but we realise now that his wife put the idea into his head and it has stuck. She is a helicopter mother, so by her standards I suppose we were pretty neglectful!

I wonder were the old couple great aunt and uncle, or just friends of your deceased great grandparents or grandparents and you just got hold of the wrong end of the stick?

ExDancer, its funny really, you must have been really neglectful, all the foods you mention are healthy, it’s not as if you were feeding her rubbish. I think the tendency is to blame parents for their own failures, parents easy targets, if she starts again i would say well you didn't fancy the gruel or bread crusts on offer,

Memory is a strange thing. Have you ever seen programmes or read anything about eye witnesses to crimes? Even if questioned within minutes of an event, people will recall it differently and describe things that didn't happen and suspects who weren't even there.

My mam often tells me stories of her childhood that couldn't possibly have happened when she says if you take into account her age at the time. Timelines and events get mixed up. Our brain isn't a very good filing system.

Some people, me included, tend to remember bad things that happened. I have to force myself to remember good things. Once I remember the good times then my childhood, although difficult, wasn't as odd as my bad memories would have me believe. Perhaps you could change the subject to good things that you did together e.g. holidays, days out, some silly memory when you all ended up laughing etc.

Mind you, if it was me, I'd just let her get on with it as long as she's not telling the world and wrecking your reputation.

ExDancer* I'm the middle one of three sisters. We probably all have 'memories' that the other two can't credit. I've long since forgiven our parents for the real or imagined slights and injustices meted out to me as I was growing up and I don't blame my sisters for the real or imagined favouritism either. Your daughter needs to grow up!