Developing resilience.

Kate1949

No jean. It's not that simple. Maybe it is for some people, not everyone

There is medical evidence that trauma affects the wiring in the brain. The neurotransmitters and the production of seretonin.

Sorry I'm not a psychiatrist but there is evidence for anybody who would care to research.

'Victim or victor?' The Southport stabbings, what are those poor little mites? or their family? The German Christmas market victims? I don't think it is that simple. If you think about it, if it is so simple why is there so many broken and unhappy people.

The. New Zealand woman who gave the Tedxchristchurch talk is Lucy Hone.

It may be helpful to the OP. And anyone else.

Exactly. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

That was to love0c

Lathyrus3

Personally I find resilience is something that has to be worked at, a determined effort. I don’t think I’ve ever worked as hard at anything as I did in the year after my husband died, just to get through each day was exhausting.

I do have some role models whose attitudes I try to emulate.

Kathleen Scott (widow of Captain Scott) who spoke of her “great task of happiness” and died saying “a happier woman never lived”.

A Benedictine monk who spoke to me of his life’s work of “the beautiful labour of contentment.”

And finally my aunt who widowed after almost 60 years simply told me’”I have made up my mind to be happy.”

So I guess I think resilience is a sort of mental muscle that you can exercise and develop. Starting in childhood is best but it’s never too late.

Brilliant post. Thank you. I loved your aunt’s resilience and, having lost my husband nearly 5 years ago and still devastated, I am determined to take her resolve on board.
I am going to make up my mind to be happy too!

Is it formed through the love and nurture you get from parents? Absolutely not.

I am seen as resilient, however, there was little love and nurturing in my childhood. My parents wanted me to go out to work and bring in money, rather than go to university. I got a part time job and went to university without any support.
In fact rather than support me, my mother insisted I hand over part of my meagre grant and half my summer vacation wages.
I had to be resilient to deal with that and over forty years of chronic ill health.

Resilience comes from within. You can either sit and wallow or get on with it and make the best of what you have.

No love and nurturing in my childhood either. Just fear mainly.

Hope it helps a bit Crossstitchfan. I’m still working at it💐

I think it depends partly on personality and partly on how much support and love you had in childhood as well as a bit of luck, some have very difficult things to deal with, some have a comparatively straight forward time.
Both my parents had died by the time I was 21. I came home and found my mother dead from undiagnosed pneumonia. My father died of lung cancer in the days when surgery was the only answer.
I didn't have much support and my brother, who always bullied me, continued throughout his life and I became estranged.

I've noticed that people who have unfortunate events in their lives often have someone who pops up to support, for instance a grandparent or teacher and so they develop resilience.

"I do not think it is a question of being 'happy' in face of diversity, but rather of minimising the unhappiness."

Good stuff MOnica.

I am scared of what might happen. The only strategy I have is escape into a TV drama when I am tired or into philosophy when I have the energy.

In a lift ascending the heights of a Glasgow block of council flats I mentioned to the only other occupant of the lift that I was afraid of lifts. She replied and I never forgot her reply "You can't go through life being afraid of things".

It’s a given that a safe secure childhood is likely to have a more positive impact on personality development than one filled with anxiety.
Some children are more resilient than others despite adverse childhood experience
I believe we can decide to be more resilient.

Caleo

"I do not think it is a question of being 'happy' in face of diversity, but rather of minimising the unhappiness."

Good stuff MOnica.

Hear, hear.
You can’t always change the circumstances around you, but you can change how you react to them.

I've noticed that people who have unfortunate events in their lives often have someone who pops up to support, for instance a grandparent or teacher and so they develop resilience.

I would think quite the reverse. Those without any support develop resilience because they have to; sink or swim, or else they start looking for someone to depend on, best friend, spouse, kindly neighbour.

I totally agree eazybee.

I was a child when my mother died suddenly and nothing has seemed as bad since.

A loved one’s suicide, an estrangement, unemployment and subsequent financial worries, family illnesses galore over the decades since haven’t sent me off kilter because I knew I’d survived the worst and could be happy 😊 again, eventually.

Carpe Diem has been my motto ever since.

I was 38 when my husband died suddenly leaving me with a young child. I had to look after him and support us.. I think that resilience is developed when we see that we can cope and survive..

Marydoll

I totally agree eazybee.

*I've noticed that people who have unfortunate events in their lives often have someone who pops up to support, for instance a grandparent or teacher and so they develop resilience.

I would think quite the reverse. Those without any support develop resilience because they have to; sink or swim, or else they start looking for someone to depend on, best friend, spouse, kindly neighbour.*

It may be that those without any support develop resilience. If you have ever volunteered as a Samaritan, you will know that many people are not able to become resilient through no fault of their own. Have you no pity for those who consider or commit suicide?

And unfortunately, many of those who apparently develop resilience become rather harsh and unpleasant as a result. They tell people to 'get on with it', call them names like 'snowflake' or they to on to be unkind to people they see as not being resilient. It is often the root of bullying.

A friend of mine has a family she describes as destroyed by the father who was a total beast at home whilst also having apparently become professionally successful and unmarked by his very difficult childhood. A smooth surface and apparent invincibility may cover dark thoughts and unexamined pain.

One of the most resilient people I know is my 9 yr old Grandaughter. For the last 3 years , her mum who she loves dearly, has been in and out of hospital and been quite poorly a lot of the time .

My tiny lionhearted girl just takes everything in her stride, goes along with anything that life throws at her . She has to stay with us and never makes a fuss, just asks occassionally , will mum be home soon. She is loving, caring and so mentally strong.
I think this is a case of what Usedtobeblonde says…… you’re born with resilience.

Having breezed through life weathering various storms with inner strength it took one event six years ago to totally reverse my mindset. It’s taking a long time to to get back to any state of mental equilibrium

Very interesting reading these posts. I have one sister who I do not see. We were both brought up the same, I think so anyway. She was never satisfied with anything. Our dad was a very poorly man and she could not care. She just went out and left me to look after him. I am 3 years younger. My childhood was pretty miserable due to it all. My sister is as hard as nails. Dad disowned her just before he died. She did some terrible things to him an my mother. she is very resilient, nothing ever bothered her. So why am I 'stung' by so much? I do not have any family and neither does my husband as he is an only child too. I wonder if having any adult family to lean on would have helped?

And unfortunately, many of those who apparently develop resilience become rather harsh and unpleasant as a result. They tell people to 'get on with it', call them names like 'snowflake' or they to on to be unkind to people they see as not being resilient. It is often the root of bullying.

A generalisation, I certainly do not agree with.

I don't agree with that either. I like to see resilience in the above widowed aunt who decided to be happy.

Of course her situation, and her age, isn't the same as the families of the Stockport murdered children or the terrible deaths in Germany this weekend. You wonder how on earth they will ever recover from these dreadful random tragedies. And maybe never will.
Recovery from these tragedies would demand more than resilience and I don't know what that would be.
My thoughts are that resilience can be innate or can be taught and can help to protect us or to recover eventually from events which can explained like a drunk driver or a car crash, fire or flood. But to recover from a random evil event must take something else,

I don’t know why there are those that given the choice of 2 decisions take the wrong one every time being a petulant child, choosing the wrong friends, neglecting school work, choosing the wrong partner. We hear all the time in this forum of families where one sibling has done well and another has struggled and in constant crisis.

If you make the right decisions you have a much better chance of being resilient, the emotional decision is not usually the right decision.