Developing resilience.

I think there is some sort of link between resilience and the ability to adapt. Like a dinosaur.

I was brought up by parents who had lived through the war. They in turn had been brought up by those who lived through WW1. My parents liked routine, sameness, predictability for obvious reasons.
Something about being adaptable and flexible is important.

Maybe depends on the circumstances - there are some situations - eg ill health over a long period, where it is very hard to keep any resilience - either mentally or physically. I have found this. But I think keeping mentally occupied is important - if you can keep up mental resilience then even if your physical health isn't good, you can feel reasonably happy. On the other hand declining physical health can affect your mental state - so again keeping mentally occupied and positive is important.

What circumstances are we talking about? Resilience to what exactly? Life generally?

gentleshores As I said, it's just rattling round my head somehow. The word what it means to me and others.

Life had dealt me a big blow fairly " late on" when I anticipated a different scenario. Maybe that's what I wonder about.
Also health problems and so on.

When I worked for Age Concern as was, I visited two women much of an age who had had similar medical problems and had had a leg amputated.

One of them decided that now she couldn't walk life was over for her, she was too old to start therapy and learn to walk again. She took to her bed and was dead within six months.

The other went straight back home after hospital and started doing all the exercises she was given - and more. Bt the time I saw her, about six weeks after the operation, she was out of her wheelchair part of the time and walking with sticks. Three mnths later she had dispesed with the wheel chair had a replacement leg and told me that at her next therapy class she would be learning to climb stairs. I did ask why, as she lived in a bungalow, but her response that she wanted to get back to normal an dthat included the ability to climb stairs. I knew her for several more years and when I ceased to be in contact with her she was going still going strong. She had resilience the first lady didn't

I suppose there could be all kinds of reasons why the two women has a different mindset.

Maybe dating back to their childhoods, their parents' attitudes, and so on.

Perhaps resilient parents rear reilient children, until it is an actual predisposition or trait within the family?

Perhaps parents who can spell rear children who can spell, too.
Why has my font shrunk??

I think resilience can only be learned or developed through adversity. And adversity, in whatever form, is part of life. It's a really deep subject to think about though.
Where do I get mine? By just living I guess. I have lived through an awful lot of bad and sad and difficult times and so far have always, eventually, regained a level of contentment. So perhaps resilience does come from belief - the belief that "this too shall pass"
And then there's The Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.". That's a wonderful mantra to keep within your mind for when times are, or seem, hard.
Is this sort of what you meant Jeanathone. I certainly don't see your post as something to start an argument!
One final thought - Chris McCausland, the epitome of resilience! Where did he get it?!

Jeanathome- that sounds like worrying about the future. My motto is to just take one day at a time 😊. If you think too far ahead it can be overwhelming. If there is an immediate worry - get practical and set about dealing with a solution. If it’s too overwhelming - share it and ask for help and ideas - reach out to old friends etc.

I read something once that said - however big the blow or trauma - people naturally get over the worst of it within 6 months. If it’s grief I think it’s much longer - but the first six months does help a lot. I once had to study the poem In Memoriam by Tennyson. It’s very long. But in it he has three Christmases - it’s mainly about the loss of a close friend and it took three Christmases before he felt himself again. The poem gave people a lot of comfort in Victorian times and Queen Victoria said it gave her much comfort.

Not suggesting you read it as it’s hard work! In Victorian language. But it always stayed with me and I think it’s right. This is my third Christmas since my Father died - in not good circumstances. And the first year I can listen to Christmas carols without thinking of funerals.

So the old adage about time is true. But during that time you just take one day at a time. And don’t waste any of them. Do something that makes you feel good every day. Even a little thing.

There can be a lot of inspiration in nature. Watching birds. Watching the clouds - makes you think about the wonder of the world and the seasons and can be uplifting.

If it’s financial - that can be a big worry - make a plan.

Taichinan:

"I think resilience can only be learned or developed through adversity. And adversity, in whatever form, is part of life."

I agree generally. But only if adversity does not kill or disable you. However it's true that sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. So don't waste time being unhappy about stuff you cannot control, and just do what you can do in your small corner of the Cosmos.

GentleShores:

"There can be a lot of inspiration in nature. Watching birds. Watching the clouds "
Yes and ,if I may add, in beauty generally . Listening or watching beauty carefully and with full attention is therapy.

gentleshores Thank You. GN at its' best.

You can also be resilient in some situations but not in others. It can depend on so many things, including the state of your health and how many true friends you have, your family, people to talk to etc.

I often run out of it

During a very traumatic and abusive childhood my focus was on supporting and protecting my siblings and I had to develop resilience in order to do this. I am known for being a ‘coper’ and rising above difficult situations by seeking out the positives.

This year I have felt myself on shaky ground though. It’s been a particularly tough time with health and family problems and I’ve struggled a little with maintaining my usual positive attitude.

Recently my younger brother came to live with me temporarily as he found himself disabled and homeless. We are very different characters and haven’t lived together since we were young children, so it was a pleasure to be able to spend time looking after him and getting to know him better; he was always very appreciative and an easy house guest. I took steps to get him re-housed in suitable accommodation back in his home city and the plan was for him to stay with me until Christmas, by which time his new flat would be furnished and he could move in on 21st December.

In November he visited Manchester for a couple of days to attend appointments, and at the time I was expecting him to arrive home I received a visit from the police to tell me he had sustained a head injury in a fall and died.

And suddenly I was the little girl trying to protect her brothers and I’d failed! I was (am still) devastated. My husband, my rock in times of trouble, had a major work deadline and couldn’t be with me as I travelled to the city to deal with the Coroner, police inquiry, funeral arrangements etc. I was overwhelmed.

Then my three younger sisters rallied around me and each of them supported me through offering me accommodation, feeding me, taxiing me around - and simply checking up on me. One morning I was in a hotel in central Manchester and dreading the day ahead as I had to go and collect my brother’s effects from a police station. My sister phoned me and, unusually for me, I was in tears. Later in the day I returned to my hotel and found my sister waiting for me in the foyer. She had driven 130 miles to be with me, took me out to dinner and booked herself into a nearby room so that she would be available to chauffeur me around the next day.

I will always be the person my family and friends turn to because I am resilient and I do ‘cope’ with tough stuff, but they have learned that my coping comes at a personal cost. And I have learned that I can be honest about that and ask for/accept support.

That is tough Granny activist. I think there are some things that floor all of us. And yes sometimes you can’t just stand up on your own two feet and need a bit of support. Those who lack support probably struggle more with resilience. And then it’s a case of finding support- which takes some resilience and courage.

Agree that being adaptable and flexible helps. Someone mentioned background and parenting instilling some of that - which probably is the case - learning from parents. The thing I learned was not to be ashamed of you don’t have the perfect life. My parents bought their first house when I was 10 - having lived in rented military accommodation before that. They really struggled financially and I was aware of that. Our furniture was from second hand sales and my Father put tape round the edge of an old offcut of carpet to make a large carpet square for the living room. That didn’t make us any less than anyone else. It used to annoy me that some people later assumed they were wealthy (thinking of my first mother in law there). Because they mistook kindness and good manners and a comfortable home, for wealth.

I also think we learn some things all on our own from our own experiences - as granny activist showed. In my case I learned adaptability and flexibility from our many moves - leaving friends behind, having to make new friends and going to new schools and trying to fit in. My survival strategy was humour- I could make people laugh and that helped me make friends - or at least be accepted rather than bullied.

However wheh I was younger I was quite unwell and didn’t have the stamina - and did get bullied (notably by girls rather than boys) at one school. So health does make a difference.

These days I fall back on memories of my parents to give me strength - remembering things they survived when I was younger. They thensejves had the support of my grandparents - who lived far away but were always “there” providing stability.

In later life I struggled a bit with feeling I didn’t have roots in a place - you’re always the new person. I’ve got used to that. Your roots are in yourself and your memories - and a few old friends who had similar experiences.

I think trying to always see the silver lining helps. If this bad thing hadn’t happened - this good thing would never have happened later.

We all pick up battle scars along the way and sometimes a wound gets reopened. And that’s when you need support. Also when you’re ill.

For some people, religion gives them strength - believing in something.

thanks gentleshores

That's such an overwhelmingly sad story grannyactivist - no wonder you were floored by that sequence of events. My heart goes out to you. But how lovely the way your sister came to support you when you needed her - the silver lining to your story. Take care. And take comfort x

I kept this thread on my computer, and I have come again to read some of your comments.

Thank you so much , each and every one of you.. you have all helped me so much.. I think I had sort of "lost my way" and now hoping , having re read some of the things some of you have said here,, I am on my way back? Thankyou... wish this thread continued some

I wish I had more resilience.

After having an abusive mother (verbal abuse) who carried on criticising me and everything I did until she had a fatal stroke at 91 I often think I have no resilience.

For example, the news over the past 6 months has been so depressing that despite being a news addict I am thinking of not watching it anymore.

I have often thought that perhaps I am what has been termed a "highly sensitive" person because I get upset very easily.

I have a sister who lives in a fantasy world, won't accept the truth about things she doesn't want to hear about (including mundane things) but she is happy all the time and never suffers anxiety.

I think she is totally unprepared for life and will be a burden on her children when her DH passes away but sometimes I wish I could be more like her.

Oh grannyactivist, such a sad story and yet uplifting in your complete, selfless, unconditional love and care for your siblings and then their obvious love and appreciation of you in your time of need.

There are some inspiring thoughts and comments on here. Thank you. I do think that determinedly coping one day at a time is good advice, and also recognising that being resilient is often hard and conscious work. You learn it by consciously practising it in times of challenge coupled with kindness towards yourself.

I survived many crises but after the sudden death of someone close I fell apart. I was never the same after that but I hide it and everyone thinks I’m fine. But I know if anything similar happened that I wouldn’t cope. I wouldn’t be able to be resilient and that is a constant fear that I have to live with. I am terrified of losing someone else.

Part of being resilient is seeking help when it's needed.
Treating yourself with kindness, and looking out for yourself.

There are no prizes for being the world's most resilient person - most people will happily not even realise the strain an individual is bearing.

I do think that a lot of people are pretending, faking, in a way, resilience they don't feel.