Why be lonely?

Deafness is a huge isolater! I too am deaf - totally now in the left and going down rapidly in the right. And you're so right - it is so tiring trying to keep up with conversations and follow what's going on! And the meaningless noise (the sounds your brain just can't translate into words) is equally exhausting. You finish up at the end of what should have been a pleasant day or evening just wanting to be on your own in peace and quietness! I don't know what the answer is. On Boxing Day I was speaking to a lovely young man in his early 20s who started losing his hearing when he was 13. He seemed to be coping much better than I do with similar Bluetooth hearing aids and said that he relied very much on lip reading. It humbled me really that he was coping so uncomplainingly at such a young age.
Luckily over the years I have learned to be content by myself and rarely feel lonely now. I still teach two tai chi classes a week and meet up with friends for coffee or lunch - just two or three of us at a time, which is manageable as far as hearing goes, so life isn't totally empty although my family are scattered the length and breadth of Britain.
Karmalady you're right, I think perhaps we do tend to turn inwards as we age and become more contemplative and content with our own selves.
And I don't think OP's SiL was being flippant with his remark about going out and looking for friends - if that's what you want to do. I know that's what I have done in the past. As a young fit man with a wife and possibly a young family he can't relate to old, unwell, physically disabled people who are unable to 'get out there and meet people'.
My mother used to say that God doesn't give us something to bear without also giving us the means to bear it. I would love it if that was true!

Pheebee thank you for your understanding and good wishes. It’s reassuring to know that other people find trying to follow conversations exhausting.

May you have peace and happiness in 2025.

Teabagwoman…..thank you x

teabagwoman I’m also hard of hearing and wear an aid in each ear (totally deaf in right ear but that aid’s microphone sends the sounds to my left ear’s aid) I find it very tiring trying to keep up with conversations and have to tweak the volume (via my phone app) when in particularly noisy environments. The reason I’ve detailed all this is basically because some times I really can’t cope with not being able to keep with the flow and so I sit and listen. It’s been 2yrs since I lost my hearing and is still a struggle to be part of a group conversation. I just wanted to comment on your post to say ‘I hear you and you’re not alone.
Hope 2025 brings you good health and some joyous moments

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Thanks MissA. Yes, a special person. There is much more she does to help people she doesn’t know but don’t want to boast.

So you should be!
It must take some real patience, and genuine heartfelt kindness to do that.

I couldn't, I know.

When I was a teenager I visited elderly people, via age concern etc took them out, invited them to my home and continued this after getting married.
My DD lives in Europe and over the last 9 years has taken in 4 different ‘strangers’ not for a day but for months at a time, one for nearly 2 years. Those strangers were refugees. Now they are friends.
She lives in a small flat but made room and often subsidised them financially despite not being well paid herself.
She is a genuinely good person and I am so proud of her.

🤭🤭

Kircubbin. Your SIL sounds like an entitled idiot who lacks even basic compassion or a rudimentary understanding of how society works or the nature of loneliness. He's obviously still "relatively" young, with a wife, family, job, colleagues, friends of a similar age and probably hobbies. His life at the moment is full and active (as it should be). He has absolutely no idea how it can all change, especially as we age. Or indeed how poverty, sickness, bereavement and a whole host of other knocks can affect one's mental and physical ability to engage. To say nothing of society's acceptance and perception of us.

As for inviting strangers into one's home. What could possibly go wrong. I am also quite certain that most people would form a queue to spend an afternoon with their elderly widowed or disabled neighbour. Not!

I think he should stick to pontificating about his own lived experience. Does he also have sage advice for the world's starving or persecuted? I'm sure they'd be thrilled to hear from him.

JPB123 hope you recover quickly and can get back to driving. Taxis are all very well but I do miss the ability to just get up and go.

When I suddenly lost a lot of my sight I stopped going out as much as it all seemed too difficult especially as I am also quite hard of hearing. I soon realised that that was making me depressed so I now get out as much as I can. On down days I find that listening to an audiobook helps. There’s something about having a pleasant voice telling me a story that feels companionable.

I agree with Ziggy that people have changed since the pandemic. I also think some older people are quite content with the friends they already have and really not interested in making new ones. Recently a close friend of mine died and 2 other good friends moved away so I am adjusting to that. My son and I were only saying today that nowadays people will regularly attend an exercise class for example but they are unlikely to want socialize outside the class.

Oh RVKICR, so sorry to read this…..my neighbours are very nice but have their own busy lives.We have to get out,we have to make the effort.I don’t want to but if I don’t,I just get more depressed. Had a stroke on a couple of weeks ago so I can’t drive at the moment…that is so inconvenient,I can’t nip here and there.Roll on January 7th…

You can actually invite perfect strangers, but if you live alone and perhaps especially if you are a woman, it may well be wiser not to!

You can put your name down with the Red Cross and other organisations stating your willingness to open your home to other lonely people at Christmas.

You can look into clubs, book clubs, political organisations, volunteering etc to try and widen your circle of friends or find new interests, so I do tend to agree with the son-in-law who feels no-one needs to be lonely, although I suspect that he has not reached the age where it becomes difficult either to find activities that suit you, or simply to get out and about.

That's just awful to hear.
I'm really sorry to read this.

kircubbin2000

Discussion around the table today about all the people spending the day on their own and perhaps not speaking to anyone all week.
I said I am often on that position as I rarely see my neighbours .
Son in law argued that it was up to those people to go out and get involved or invite someone in. He couldn't see why someone would not do that or want strangers in their house.

Your son-in-law may feel differently if all his family and friends die before he does. It is not easy to find new friends as you get older, you cannot expect people to know that you are indoors sobbing because you have no one.

stayanotherday

It's very hard for many to just socialise these days unless they're in a friendly area with friendly groups.

Some people are shy, socially awkward or have been let down. I couldn't ask my neighbours around due to being in an unfriendly rundown area with high substance abuse and anti-social problems. My colleagues are pleasant without issues but are in work to work. Relatives never wanted me. I joined clubs or groups that didn't want friends or weren't welcoming to newcomers.

It's hard to be motivated after so many disappointments.

Your post could have been written by me except for the neighbours bit, mine are all ok including a retired vicar, but although they know I am alone, they never show any interest in me. They are pleasant all year when I see them outside, but they have their own families and do not bother with lonely older people. So I spend Christmas on my own, often in tears remembering better times.

Oh 'Dickens'
I know exactly that feeling in a room full of people and feeling lonely. Sometimes I'm fine and other times I just don't seem to fit in anymore since my husband died. I'm in an adults only hotel in Spain very few solo people and so far I've only spoke pleasantries to a few people. I really don't fit in here! Just glad my grown grandson is coming out tomorrow for some company. I'm even forgoing the gala New Year Dinner as the Xmas one was bad enough. I'd rather just go to a bar and have a few drinks. Expensive lesson learnt..

mae13 I do understand how belittling the actions of the hosts must have felt. I must confess though I did laugh at it all!

Cateq

I remember once being told off by my Gran for commenting that her neighbours were always popping, one lady in particular came at lunch time, so gran set a place for at the table. My Gran pointed out they were all widows, whose families lived far away or didn’t make the effort to visit them, and were most likely lonely, and that we should never make them feel like a nuisance. My Gran felt very lucky that her family were glad to spend time with her and therefore we had to look upon these ladies as extended family.

It sounds like your gran was a lovely person, Cateq. ☺

I think it depends where you live, we're on a very friendly estate and know many people by sight although remembering names is always a stretch. It would be easy to get into conversation with one of them and invite them in for a cup of tea or coffee. Very different if you live in a more isolated place though, or where local people are more standoffish.
If you make an effort to smile at people you often get a response, I think that looking friendly makes you more approachable and you are viewed in a more positive way. I've certainly found that this works at the school gates when I take my GC to school in the morning.
I'm one of the strange people who smiles at older people on buses and (shock, horror) often gets into conversation with them. I read recently that this can make a lonely person feel better about themselves all day. A friendly interaction makes me feel good too.

I remember once being told off by my Gran for commenting that her neighbours were always popping, one lady in particular came at lunch time, so gran set a place for at the table. My Gran pointed out they were all widows, whose families lived far away or didn’t make the effort to visit them, and were most likely lonely, and that we should never make them feel like a nuisance. My Gran felt very lucky that her family were glad to spend time with her and therefore we had to look upon these ladies as extended family.

I felt more lonely when married to my ex. Now I can choose if I want to invite friends or just enjoy the company of my two dogs

Your SIL is probably much younger, male, employed and obviously married.. not really surprising he will have views like this Kirkcubbin.

I probably thought similarly 30 years ago.. It is certainly not easy to make new friends especially if one moves in later life.
and you certainly can't make old friends..

I spent Christmas alone, by choice, I was invited across the country by an old friend but decided I would prefer to stay in my comfortable home with a few treats and books. I didn't feel lonely just content.. I suppose it really boils down to choice.. if we crave to be with other people it might feel like loneliness..

Dickens - I love that phrase. It's a gem ! "you can be alone but not lonely and lonely when you're not alone" that's me to a T!!