The single ladies/women.

Perhaps if the friendship has good things going for it too you could just say you didn't wish to be involved in conversations about her DH because it makes you feel awkward.

Yes!
I'm virtually housebound, so she can pop round at the drop of a hat.

Ordinarily I quite like such relaxed arrangements, but well, not this one, as it stands.

mumofmadboys

Perhaps if the friendship has good things going for it too you could just say you didn't wish to be involved in conversations about her DH because it makes you feel awkward.

It does.
She can be very kind, we have a similar sense of humour, and we can talk about anything.
She will buy me little things - a keyring last week, with a friendship quote - and will get me organised, and drive me out to different places, so we can have lunch, and so on.

I am an energy-giver, have been all my life, people wanting gratis advice and help, especially since I qualified. It took me a while to learn to say no and to put that bubble around myself. Energy-takers are everywhere and they are draining, like vampires

I don`t mix with energy-takers these days, neighbours can be the worst, I am not here to have their stresses dumped onto me, nor to look out for their parcels. The protective bubble around me is intact. Emergencies, yes of course, we would all help each other

My friends are my 5 siblings and my AC and teenage DGC, I don`t allow anyone else into my bubble and my wahatsapp groups

You live and learn and especially to say no and you are being used MissA. Time to break the link

MissAdventure

mumofmadboys

Perhaps if the friendship has good things going for it too you could just say you didn't wish to be involved in conversations about her DH because it makes you feel awkward.

It does.
She can be very kind, we have a similar sense of humour, and we can talk about anything.
She will buy me little things - a keyring last week, with a friendship quote - and will get me organised, and drive me out to different places, so we can have lunch, and so on.

So you would be missing out on that if you stopped seeing her.

I think you might just have to say, nicely, that you don't want to discuss her DH, sorry, and see how it goes.

There's no doubt I would miss out, but I don't wat to use her for my own ends.

I can be a good support for her, and she for me, but I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

I wondered if it was me being selfish and aloof.

MissAdventure

I was going to say how I'm usually very good at creating boundaries, then I thought of the upstairs neighbour.
35 years worth of angst.

I think it's a "me" problem.

It is not a "me" problem MissAventure don't blame yourself, it is not a weakness on your part it is a flaw in your friend's character just as it was with your upstairs neighbour.

These people home in on nice people and use them, they have the problem not you.

She will buy me little things - a keyring last week, with a friendship quote - and will get me organised, and drive me out to different places, so we can have lunch, and so on

She sounds as if she is treating you like a pet dog or a child.
How much do you need a key ring? Is a “friendship quote” actually better than a friend who values you?
If you feel the “perks” are worth it, by all means let her organise you (or do I mean patronise ). If you feel the price is worth paying why should anybody else question it.
But clearly you do.
You make it sound as if you have no friends, nobody else in your life, so perhaps that needs to be addressed. An activity? A walking group? U3A? Volunteering?
This is not an equal relationship, pity is no substitute for friendship.

MissAdventure

She's not up to anything untoward, it was an argument she had with him about going on holiday (she doesn't want to go with him)

He commented that who would want to go with her, and up popped my name!

Ah, that’s a bit different I suppose.Nobody wants to be piggy in the middle tho.I would just see how things pan out as to continue to be friends and see if things improve.

Actually, the person who homed in on me used to come and pick me up as I didn't have a car. I needed to shop for things for the new house.
But she came every day.
She criticised everything in my house.

Gosh, what strength of mind karmalady It’s sort of stunned me😀

I guess I sort of deal with (enjoy.🤔) my drama Queen friends because that’s how I experience it, as a drama, like going to watch a really good play or tv series.

It’s a mutual benefit. They offload and I get an interest in life.

Can you distance yourself emotionally MissAdventure. I mean it doesn’t really matter what her husband thinks of you really, as long as you don’t have to deal with him. I hardly ever meet husbands /partners of friends and then only to nod to.

Just kind of shut your ears when she offloads about him - like I do when people tell me all about their grandchildren 😬 - just make the right noises. And then enjoy the trips out and the kindly help.

I do have a friend who offloads on me about her DH. And her health. Then he offloads on DH or me about her and her hypochondria!

Mostly it goes over the top of my head but if I'm feeling a bit under the weather myself it can get a bit much.

I can't do any of those activities Maw.
I literally am a sitting duck.
I can just take a few steps with a walker these days.

I do apologise OP for suggesting active pursuits when you have said you don’t really get out much.
Memo to self- RT (F) T
However, this friend while she may be well intentioned has still caused you some concern and a true friend should not.
You may feel vulnerable and therefore unwilling to rock the boat by being honest with her, but somehow you will need to gently and tactfully assert yourself.
You may well be fulfilling a need in her to help someone less well off, healthwise and physically, but that doesn’t make you helpless!
Living alone especially if you are not mobile is very debilitating , feeling dependent on others can sap your self confidence , so have a think about what you can offer. It may be that a listening ear is your contribution to the friendship - but don’t let it bring you down.
You might find a phone call to the Samaritans helpful for you - you don’t have to feel suicidal by the way, they are just as happy to listen, and will never be judgemental or organising. You have nothing to lose as everything is confidential.
And there’s always us on Gransnet!

I think you come across as a very nice person MissA - kind and witty! Who wouldn’t want to have you as a friend? I wish I lived near you. I’d pop in but promise not to aggravate you, just enjoy one another’s company!

If you're told to be quiet by guests in your own home then toss them out and don't invite them back again!

How arrogant and obnoxious they are!

In general, be wary of new people who quickly hone in on you [and are extra attentive and 'sweet' straight off] when you are vulnerable for any reason, or at a low ebb/sad time of your life.

Certain personalities will sniff out a kind, isolated [for any reason] person. As I've found out from experience more than once, sadly.

Oreo

MissAdventure

She's not up to anything untoward, it was an argument she had with him about going on holiday (she doesn't want to go with him)

He commented that who would want to go with her, and up popped my name!

Ah, that’s a bit different I suppose.Nobody wants to be piggy in the middle tho.I would just see how things pan out as to continue to be friends and see if things improve.

Yes, using your name as an example of someone who would like to go on holiday doesn't seem too awful to me.

I would hate the texting in my company thing though. That's ride and a bit 'teenage'. I might be inclined to say 'Oh, if you and Richard want to talk, I'll go and have a lie down/make a cup of tea/whatever' and see what she says. Maybe she doesn't realise it's exclusionary. Or just come out and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable.

Same with her suggesting that you are grateful for her company, and worse, that she is subbing you. That sounds like triangulation - when someone uses a third party to create jealousy or insecurity in a partner. It's tricky to deal with as it's so easily denied. The only way I know of is to confront it, but as you don't like confrontation it will be difficult.

I know these things are easier said than done, but agree with FGT that you come across as being someone who would make a valuable friend, so I hope you don't let her dent your confidence in yourself.

MissA
I would love to have you for a friend.

You dont need to be grateful someone has decided to befriend you,and also include you in their 6
throuple.

Their relationship is not you problem.

I remember speaking on PM to you before you became ill, you where/ are a strong lady, and you have had to be.

You dont need to be grateful to this lady, but friends as equals.

Wish we lived nearer hugs

Thank you all for letting me offload, and giving me a sounding board.
I really do appreciate it. (And the compliments!)

She is using you as a crutch, tell her that.

I know this advice often appears on GN, but you might want to join u3a in your area. So many people find it is interesting and a good way to meet people and often to make good friends. This is not instead of your problematic friend - there is plenty of advice above about talking to this friend about your concerns, and you might find it all gets sorted out and is a worthwhile friendship.

I agree with Indigo 8. You don't need that person in your life and yes I would not call her a 'lovely friend' as she seems to be neither! Give her a wide berth

This is not on. You certainly are being used - being told to "shh" in your own house is outrageous.

As others have suggested, I think you need to come clean with her and say, as much as you want to be a friend to her, being in the middle of her issues with her husband is causing you anxiety and stress so you really don't want to be dragged her marital situation - and she really shouldn't have said you were up for going caravanning - which you are not.

Perhaps she doesn't realise that she is being selfish but if she takes offence and flounces off, then job done - it would show she isn't a real friend. You sound far too nice to put up with all this.

People come in all shapes and sizes. Not all of them fit us perfectly. As one gets older we discover tolerance is both a virtue and a pain. You've now discovered that there are some aspects of your new friend that you do not wish to tolerate. I think you need to be more assertive otherwise you simply become an enabler if this type of behaviour. You dont have to be overtly blunt with her as she's obviously been helpful to you but you do need to be firm. Just say what you like about her but you don't want to get involved with any lies or fibs or having to somehow take sides in matters that don't concern you. .