The single ladies/women.

I was single for a long time and I used to get this c* all the time. There's no massive amount of malice involved in it , just the belief of some couples that only their universe exists and everyone else exists only to serve it.
I agree with all the posters that have advised you to prioritise yourself.
No need to lose your friend if you don't want to. Just tell her kindly that being used as a third wheel is upsetting you and ruining your enjoyment of her friendship.
Could she stop please and could the couple sort out their own issues/problems between themselves.

I think it is sad when people say they have no friendships outside their family. I think friends are a wonderful gift! To have a good friend you need to be a good friend. In the past when I have gone through difficult times some friends have been fantastic support , sometimes phoning me daily. But then one of them hit hard times and it's my turn to be the supportive friend and ring them daily. It's give and take hopefully.

To be honest this is how all my friendships seem to turn out, me being the recepticle for all their problems and dramas and me getting nothing apart from worry over their angst. I know friendships are about give and take but I always end up doing all the giving and the other person doing all the taking. I suppose I must give off some kind of vibe. Anyway I have given up now, my family is everything to me and they don't take all the time.

I think you should tell her that coming round after arguments with her partner causes you stress (you don't like upset blah blah blah) and could she exclude you from it as has such a negative affect on your health (l suspect this is true).

I agree, prioritise yourself, perhaps get a book or magazine out when she's texting or speaking to someone else. She might get the message if she has to keep summarising her communications to you

Miss Adventure
Woman up. Xx 💖

Hi, are you the lady that used to tell us about your neighbour?
That she would constantly pop round? You made that interesting to read and by what you said earlier you managed to stop her. That shows you are strong.
Regarding this newish friend,
You know the saying "If you think you are being used - you are.

Dear friend, you are being used. I bet that when this person sees you it's on her terms too, when-how long- where-why. I think you should try and distance yourself from her, make your appointments on yóur own terms.

I must admit to being more than a little baffled that you describe this person as a lovely friend.
She has told lies about you to her partner and has done so for her own benefit!
If anyone I knew told lies about me, for whatever reason, I would not be pleased any any so-called friendship would be ended.

I’m on my own a lot now, since becoming a widow. Joined lots of groups, had my fingers burned when I challenged a new “friend”, on something, realised her friendship depended on her having total control. It’s made me very wary. I’m nearly 70, maybe another 12 years on Earth? Perhaps the time for making new friendships is over- I’m going to try to spend the time I have left with my true friends, many of whom I have known since we were 5 years old.

jobieP

Hi, are you the lady that used to tell us about your neighbour?
That she would constantly pop round? You made that interesting to read and by what you said earlier you managed to stop her. That shows you are strong.
Regarding this newish friend,
You know the saying "If you think you are being used - you are.

I am.
Actually, my neighbour fell out with me, for no real reason, and barely says hello to me these days.
That's what makes me think it's a "me" problem; maybe I'm a pushover.

I must agree with others who say they would like you as a friend. To me you sound like a very nice person, and interesting as well. I wish you lived near to me!

bluebird243

PS. I am very much alone too. I would like a true friend. So I appreciate your position.

But believe me a 'friendship' with someone which is one sided, selfish and confusing can play havoc with your peace of mind and mental health. It's not worth it.

Hence I can now walk away from a potentially toxic situation, whereas I used to try and people please. No more.

This.

I could have written this myself, although not as well. Please don't let yourself be used as a third wheel to be the fall guy for the drama and blame for their relationship, however nice this lady is.

You deserve a true friend and by posting on here is showing you know this is inappropriate.

Telling someone to 'Shh' in their own home is patronising and rude, She overstepped there.
I personally do t think she is a true friend.

It is patronising, and texting in company is rude. But. Making friends in older age isn’t always easy, and if we rule out everyone who has irritating traits the pool will get ever smaller.

Sometimes I think people don’t realise they are being annoying, so if it’s becoming a dealbreaker it’s up to us to tell them (assuming that there are other things about them that we like). The alternatives are to rise above it and write it off as ‘just the way they are’, or write them off and lose a friend.

There are things I know will always annoy me (specifically cancelling arrangements at the last minute, and interrupting conversations with irrelevancies) so if I meet someone new who does those things I don’t pursue a friendship. I do have friends who do both though, and as I’ve known them long enough to know their good points (and they put up with my irritating traits too) I can make allowances, (and contingencies in the case of serial cancellers). It’s not a one size fits all situation, I don’t think.

You need a wider circle of friends. Try searching the website meet-up for local groups. It’s not dating, just people looking to do things with other people.

She's toxic. I think you are her latest victim. With friends like her, you do not need enemies... so get rid of her, and find yourself an enemy who does not present herself as a friend. The next time she turns up, say you can't have her in because you are busy.

I don't think that this friend is a true friend .Some so called friends have an ulterior motive for wanting you as a friend .
They are highly manipulative .
They are often brilliant at cultivating you .

One of my old friends used me as an excuse to have an affair so that her husband wouldn't find out .
He thought that she was spending weekends with me and was unpleasant and jealous .
We'd been good friends before .
I had no idea .
She also used me on other occasions .
When I desperately needed to confide I'm someone she told me that her husband didn't like our being friends, because I knew too much about them .
Then after several years -she contacted me again and wanted to renew our friendship
Knowing what a ruthless user she is I wondered what she was intending and ignored the request .

Errata :
In not I'm.
Sometimes post gets sent before I've corrected it !

Allira

^For example, she has informed him that I'm keen to go on holiday, just with her - for a few days in a caravan^

🤔 What is she up to?

Exactly! Is she planning to go away on holiday with someone else and pretending it's you?!! I think it does sound like you are being a bit used. Perhaps be unavailable the odd time. I am not single but I was for a very long time and joining a new class is a good way to make new friends.

You can't do much about someone who wants to play people off against one another, so it might be better to cool off your friendship with her (in my experience, manipulators don't change). If you do want to keep her friendship, have you tried talking to her partner about it? I'm betting he's fully aware because, if she plays him off against you, he'll be doing it to others as well. If he mentions to you something you've allegedly said but in fact haven't, is it possible for you to pass it off flippantly to him, while at the same time passing on the message (or something similar), "Oh, she's pulling that old trick again, is she?" My mother was one of those people - she continued trying to shove sticks into other people's spokes right up to her death at 96, even though most people knew her ways and didn't take her seriously.

Sorry, I meant SHE'LL be doing it to others! Duh, clumsy fingers...

MissA has already said that she can't get out much just now, so the suggestions that she find a new set of friends by joining groups and so on aren't going to work.

Also, the fact that this one has said that MissA might go on holiday with her sounds to me like the sort of thing people might easily say if their husband has said something like 'Who do you think would want to go on holiday with you?' The temptation would be to come up with a name, rather than admit that there is nobody.

Obviously it is possible that she is planning to go away with a lover but to me that seems less likely than just a response to a nasty question from her husband.

Either way, bringing it into the light seems a way of keeping a friend whist resetting the boundaries a bit. I would comment on the texting as it happens - maybe asking 'jokily' if she would keep her conversations with others for another time, or maybe finding something conspicuous to do when she starts - it's a bit passive aggressive, but going to the kitchen with a 'just let me know when you've finished texting? Whilst you're doing that I'll make use of the time by washing up' or similar. That should avoid conflict but make the point.

I can see that this woman would be a but irritating, but I'm not sure where words like 'toxic', 'victim' and 'enemy' are coming from. Friendship is about give and take on both sides.

MissAdventure

I don't think she realises what she's doing, quite honestly.

I feel as if her man and I are enemies, somehow, and he's done nothing to me.

I'm quite sure his dislikes me.

Please don't let her involve you in her relationship with her husband.

It's not impossible that he'll land on your doorstep one day making angry accusations if they have a disagreement and he thinks / feels that you are part of, or the cause, of the problem.

That's classic triangulation. Make one person think the other is an enemy. It's unpleasant, but when you realise what's happening it can be ignored.

I once had it done to me. It was a colleague/friend. It was more complicated than this, but put simply everything I suggested was rejected because her sister didn't like it, but then later her sister would suggest the same thing and it was a great idea. Silly things like I'd be asked what I thought about a purchase and would suggest the red one, or a particular brand I had tried and liked, but the sister would apparently have said the red ones were tasteless, and the brand was poor value - that sort of thing. It wasn't anything important, so not worth getting upset about, but it left a feeling of being constantly undermined, particularly when a week later the friend would buy the red one on her sister's recommendation.

It took a while for the penny to drop, as at first I just thought I wasn't keen on the sister (who I barely knew, so didn't understand why she mattered). When I realised what was going on (ie that the sister had probably said less than a quarter of the things she'd been quoted as saying) I just ignored it and rolled my eyes to myself.

Whether she was doing the same thing in the other direction I don't know. Probably, as it puts the person doing it as the central character in a 'drama' of her own making. We lost touch when I left work, so she wasn't a real friend anyway.