To Have Or Not To Have Children

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children

Which must be a 1000x worse I’m sure.

Smileless2012

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children Strawberriesandpears.

So it seems.

Grandma70s

I accept that there are people who don’t want children, but I simply can’t imagine feeling like that. If I hadn’t been able to have them, I’d have been absolutely heartbroken.

As would I, despite mine driving me completely batty!

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children Strawberriesandpears.

I’m not sure I completely agree with what you say GoldenAge. A woman has the right to choose whether or not to have a child, but I believe a man also has the same right. It’s important for couples to be completely honest about their wishes, and not to feel trapped by a partner who wants something different to them. Men can be trapped into having children they don’t want too.

GoldenAge

The decision to have a child is a woman's and only hers. It is her body that must undergo pregnancy, a delivery, possible loss of control over bodily functions for the rest of her life. It's not a woman's partner's decision. But if a woman truly feels she doesn't want to have children biologically then she should discuss this with her partner before marriage or commitment. This is where things go wrong, and partners feel cheated when the question comes up, and then subsequently put pressure upon the woman to become pregnant when she's terrified of being a mother. As a psychotherapist I see so many women especially in their mid-thirties who really don't want children yet feel they are constantly bombarded with questions and asked to give reasons for their decisions. This is enough to send them into therapy with feelings of guilt and beliefs that somehow they are incomplete in the eye of society. I have only ever had three clients who wish they had had children after deciding not to, and in these cases it was because their partners had died and they felt 'lonely'. Not a good enough reason to have a child I feel.

Thank you for sharing this. It is an interesting insight. I don't have children - more by circumstance than choice. I worry so much about being lonely and unloved in later life, but as you say, that isn't a good enough reason to being a child into the world.

I accept that there are people who don’t want children, but I simply can’t imagine feeling like that. If I hadn’t been able to have them, I’d have been absolutely heartbroken.

The decision to have a child is a woman's and only hers. It is her body that must undergo pregnancy, a delivery, possible loss of control over bodily functions for the rest of her life. It's not a woman's partner's decision. But if a woman truly feels she doesn't want to have children biologically then she should discuss this with her partner before marriage or commitment. This is where things go wrong, and partners feel cheated when the question comes up, and then subsequently put pressure upon the woman to become pregnant when she's terrified of being a mother. As a psychotherapist I see so many women especially in their mid-thirties who really don't want children yet feel they are constantly bombarded with questions and asked to give reasons for their decisions. This is enough to send them into therapy with feelings of guilt and beliefs that somehow they are incomplete in the eye of society. I have only ever had three clients who wish they had had children after deciding not to, and in these cases it was because their partners had died and they felt 'lonely'. Not a good enough reason to have a child I feel.

I never intended to have children. We were both only children and I knew very little about them. I'd never even held a baby. However one accidental pregnancy produced our daughter and she turned out to be such fun we had another. Every time my son plunges into another disaster he says "Remember, I'm the one you wanted to have"! And now my life revolves round three lovely grandsons.

I know it's not a reason for having children but, during the nine years my husband had cancer,my life would have been awful without them.

A number of people at my club have had no children and they enjoy life, chatter and travel just like the rest. No difference and quite often they are less burdened by wayward kids and extended family and their problems which no one wants to hear about anyway. Good for them.

I have one lovely daughter who is special as I had cervical cancer in situ so had a hysterectomy when she was six months. She has chosen not to have children . She never wanted to be pregnant but did consider the adoption route but that did not work out. I would have liked another child but am happy with being alive and seeing my girl become a very professional, thoughtful, caring person. Parenthood is not for everybody and we cannot judge

@Emelie321 My apologies, I do see now that you say 'whether you have your own children or not' which presumably means you think it is possible to be a kind and caring person and to invest in relationships regardless of whether you have children yourself. I hope that is what I can do. It's just that I am short of places to direct my love or care. I am an only child, so have very little family (no nieces or nephews etc)

My DD who would have been 53 decided when married not to have children. Even 20 years ago she felt there were too many people in the world using too many resources. She did like children and enjoyed having her niece and nephew to stay.

theworriedwell

It is believed by many that if he had lived longer Pope John XXIII was going changed the rules about contraception. He was from a poor background and understood how difficult life could be with too many children.

Yes, I think I remember that now.

Emelie321

Every child should be wanted and loved.Fortunately, these days it is easier to be open about any negative feelings on this matter, and to make what you think will be the right decision for you - and your partner / spouse, if you have one.
However, there are still many who do want a child of their own - and then discover for one biological reason or another that it is not that easy. And have to accept that - in spite of IVF and other scientific advances- it is not going to happen. For that reason alone we should all refrain from having expectations of others, and making what could be hurtful comments.

Housing and childcare costs these days can be astronomical, and not everyone has free childcare on tap from grandparents. These are serious concerns for responsible people.

And our world once again seems to be entering a very dangerous phase. But wars, plagues and famine have always been with us throughout history.Children have been our hope for the future, and given meaning and purpose to our lives over centuries.

I do now think myself that there are opportunity costs to whatever people decide, which may not become evident for many years.I had a good relationship with my own mother; but put off having my own children with my husband for a number of years because she told me how bitterly she resented having to give up her first professional job and her independence after marriage to my father - an older man.And then having children in her early twenties - in a home hundreds of miles away from the rest of her family.

Having my own - always much loved - children I will admit was sometimes boring, not infrequently stressful, and from time to time worrying. They undoubtedly limited to some degree my career choices and opportunities to travel. (This last,you will not be surprised to learn, did not happen to my now ex husband!)

But they and theirs are the best things in my life. To see them happy and making a contribution to society has given me great satisfaction. I have no regrets.

Our post war generation was perhaps the first to have any real choices in this regard. I have a number of good friends who chose career, freedom and travel over family - and have lived very interesting, high achieving and worthwhile lives. Good for them.I admire them all.

But I am increasingly seeing that, as they enter into older age - and especially when they become ill or disabled - they no longer run the world as they once did. Whether you have your own children or not,in later life a failure to care for others and invest in close relationships over the years comes at a price.

I am afraid you have made a 'hurtful comment' yourself in your suggestion that those who have prioritised freedom and travel etc now somehow 'deserve' lonliness and feeling uncared for in old age. You may not have said it directly, but it is strongly implied. There is a smug undertone to your post which is deeply upsetting to those who do not have children either by choice, or in my case, by circumstance. You have just made me sob out loud.

It is believed by many that if he had lived longer Pope John XXIII was going changed the rules about contraception. He was from a poor background and understood how difficult life could be with too many children.

Allira

TerriBull

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

The only way to save this Earth is for the population to decrease, not increase.

I've never understood why Popes and Catholic priests, who are supposedly celibate, are so keen for women to keep producing children, especially when many are too poor to feed the ones they already have.

Yes I agree Allira, women no longer want to be lectured by supposedly celibate men on their duty to have children, that ship sailed a while ago. I think people and more specifically women in the developed world are continually being reminded that there aren't enough babies being born to replace the ageing population, as if somehow by not having any, they are not doing their duty, even though the world as a whole from an environmental perspective would suggest that we have too many people.

I'm in agreement with the woman mentioned in the op, in that she is fed up with giving umpteen reasons as to why she doesn't want children, essentially it's none of anyone else's business and it's overly intrusive to ask why an individual doesn't want or hasn't got any children.

Totally agree it's the couple's choice. No one else's business

Allira

theworriedwell that priest sounds rather sensible!
But I'm not surprised your mother was embarrassed.

I don't remember him but she said he was young and very good looking which made it worse. Her orange lodge relatives would have been horrified.

I'm 70 male, live alone, never wanted children. Some have them to look after themselves in old age or pass on inheritance to, but some families nowadays don't look after their parents.

Every child should be wanted and loved.Fortunately, these days it is easier to be open about any negative feelings on this matter, and to make what you think will be the right decision for you - and your partner / spouse, if you have one.
However, there are still many who do want a child of their own - and then discover for one biological reason or another that it is not that easy. And have to accept that - in spite of IVF and other scientific advances- it is not going to happen. For that reason alone we should all refrain from having expectations of others, and making what could be hurtful comments.

Housing and childcare costs these days can be astronomical, and not everyone has free childcare on tap from grandparents. These are serious concerns for responsible people.

And our world once again seems to be entering a very dangerous phase. But wars, plagues and famine have always been with us throughout history.Children have been our hope for the future, and given meaning and purpose to our lives over centuries.

I do now think myself that there are opportunity costs to whatever people decide, which may not become evident for many years.I had a good relationship with my own mother; but put off having my own children with my husband for a number of years because she told me how bitterly she resented having to give up her first professional job and her independence after marriage to my father - an older man.And then having children in her early twenties - in a home hundreds of miles away from the rest of her family.

Having my own - always much loved - children I will admit was sometimes boring, not infrequently stressful, and from time to time worrying. They undoubtedly limited to some degree my career choices and opportunities to travel. (This last,you will not be surprised to learn, did not happen to my now ex husband!)

But they and theirs are the best things in my life. To see them happy and making a contribution to society has given me great satisfaction. I have no regrets.

Our post war generation was perhaps the first to have any real choices in this regard. I have a number of good friends who chose career, freedom and travel over family - and have lived very interesting, high achieving and worthwhile lives. Good for them.I admire them all.

But I am increasingly seeing that, as they enter into older age - and especially when they become ill or disabled - they no longer run the world as they once did. Whether you have your own children or not,in later life a failure to care for others and invest in close relationships over the years comes at a price.

theworriedwell that priest sounds rather sensible!
But I'm not surprised your mother was embarrassed.

watermeadow

The world does need more children. With aging populations, who do you think is going to pay taxes to look after you and care for you in your old age?

I have heard that argument several times. It's a short-term concern.

Sorry, but if the world population increased even more then the effects on the Earth would be catastrophic.

It's an individual choice and no -one else's business. I was very blessed to have five healthy children. I was also a GP and worked about two thirds
time. I loved my job too and feel I was so fortunate to have both a big family an d a career. If anything suffered it was we had little time to pursue our own interests and our time as a couple was limited but we made the most of it. No regrets at all.

We chose not to have children. We were lucky enough for that it was a choice and not something outside of our control.

Over the years very few people have ever asked me about the decision. When they do, I happily tell them.