To Have Or Not To Have Children

Kandinsky

*I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents*

That’s actually really sad.

Why? They didn't miss out on anything. Both my husband and I spent plenty of time with them when we weren't at work. We accompanied them to all their hobbies such as horse riding and football, after school activities and so on. They had two parents who loved them and supported them in everything they did. Most children now are in full time nursery from three and then at school, so it's not much different.

Kandinsky

*I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents*

That’s actually really sad.

Why? Do you think it affected the happiness and long term life chances of the children to have a happy and fulfilled mother who wasn’t with them 100% of the time? I highly doubt that. Stop judging.

No, no regrets. None to make you laugh, non to make you cry.

I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents

That’s actually really sad.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work.

I went back to work full time when both of mine were three months old. I loved my job, and I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents. They were happy, healthy and very independent from an early age. Nowadays, most parents both have to work simply to be able to afford their mortgages and other bills. If women choose to stay at home and be full time mums, that's great for them - I take my hat off to them - but please don't denigrate those of us who chose a different path. In this day and age, be thankful that we now have that choice.

I know of someone in a long term relationship who said for many years she didn’t want children. Then had supposedly changed her mind. Her mum thought it probably as she was of an age when her friends were having them.
4 years down the line the relationship is on the rocks. Apparently the child was meant to be a sticking plaster. Didn’t work and the grandparents (friends of mine) are left for most of the time holding the baby. I feel so sorry for my friends but it’s a tricky situation offering support but at a time when retirement is around the corner.

Why is that your business either?

It is my business if my taxes are paying for them!

My GD decided some time ago she didn’t want children.
Now in a serious relationship she hasn’t changed her mind and her partner agrees.
They are happy to agree on this decision.

Deciding not to have children is a choice some people make , others make a choice to have children. Those that don't want children should not have to justify their decision. It's no big deal - don't have children or do have children!
Nothing to do with anyone else.

grandMattie

I admire people who decide they won’t have children, for whatever reason. Children should be wanted. How many are not and have a miserable life?

I wanted children more than anything in the world.

Totally up to people themselves isn’t it? Not as if more people are needed on this planet.
Some women aren’t cut out to be mothers and some men certainly not cut out to be fathers.
I didn’t feel madly maternal before having my twins but after they were born realised that I am supermaternal!I have a lot of time for any small children I come across.

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

Are you implying that if you can't afford to be a stay at home mum or simply want a career you should not have children?

The birthrate is already falling and if this were to become the norm we would have an ageing population with almost nobody to look after them. It is already a potential problem as even now the death rate is greater than the birth rate.

By your reckoning I and many like me, should not have had children and were not proper mothers. I don't remember being happy for someone else to bring them as we both tried to be with our children as much as possible and I don't think they feel they were brought up by somebody else. Mind you we were never in the tiny minority that could afford a full-time nanny. Cheek.

Kandinsky

No need to explain why you’re child free, absolutely no one’s business but yours.
But I’d like a woman to explain why she’s got 6 kids by 6 different men, living on benefits, & shouting & screaming at them all day.

Why is that your business either?

Some people who made a concious choice in my generation not to have children had endless grief from parents & in-laws over that decision, so I guess they too wouldn't want to justify their choice in casual conversation.
Hopefully nowadays we are less focused on women as child-bearers first & foremost & families are more accepting. Although in some cultures & sub-cultures it's still quite a difficult thing to explain I think.

No need to explain why you’re child free, absolutely no one’s business but yours.
But I’d like a woman to explain why she’s got 6 kids by 6 different men, living on benefits, & shouting & screaming at them all day.

Babs03

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

You’re right, although I think when people have made a conscious choice, they are usually quite happy to volunteer their reasons and talk about it, it’s those who didn’t, who have regrets, who are understandably more reluctant.

Indigo8

I had been married quite a long time before I had children, partly because we delayed for financial reasons and partly because it took a while before I conceived the first time.

I never discussed it with my immediate family or close friends but several acquaintances and work colleagues assumed that I had chosen to be child free. Several people thought it was a good thing as I obviously wasn't the maternal type and others thought it was selfish of me to not want children. I had not wanted to discuss my childlessness with any of these people let alone asked for their opinions. I still don't understand why they thought I had to defend my perceived position.

I don't think there is such a stigma attached to choosing to be childless as society is generally more tolerant of people who don't tread the well worn path of conventional behaviour. Also we are more aware of the fragility of the world than previous generations have been.

IMO nobody should have to justify having or not having children to anybody.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

My grandmother once told me that she was very scared and wished she had not got pregnant at the time my father was born. He was born in 1915 and my grandfather was not with her as he was a medical officer with the Anzacs in Gallipoli. My grandmother said that she didn't regret having my father but at the time of his birth the world seemed too awful a place to bring a child into.

I wonder if subsequent generations have wondered about having children for similar reasons.

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

I think you’ll find those of us who had to work as no real choice, or choose to work as had great careers, including me, are all “proper mothers”

A very rude and patronising remark!

Having young children now means forever juggling work and childcare. It costs a fortune, means parents hardly see them between weekends, there are constant panics over sick children and breakdown of care.
Two of my daughters could only pursue their careers because they had parents and in laws nearby, giving years of free care. The daughter with no relatives available was away from breakfast to bedtime, paying the same as their mortgage each month for care.
Eldest daughter is childless, well-off and high up in her job.
Children are our future. It should not be so hard to have them and look after them.

It’s an entirely personal decision, and nothing to do with anyone else at all.

Some people long for a family of their own, others don’t have the desire for children. (I realise, of course, there are couples who long for a child and are unable to have one, which is desperately sad and my heart goes out to them, but I think this thread is more along the lines of people who decide one way or the other about having children).

The decision is, as I say, a personal one, and it’s not for anyone else to question that decision.

With all due respect, mum2three, not every couple can afford for the mother (or father) to be a stay at home parent, even if they would like to. You have been very fortunate to be able to do so, for others that choice isn’t an option in todays world.

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

I have a few married friends who chose not to have children, for different reasons. One because she didn’t want the risk of having a child with the same character as her (horrible) father, one a career girl who chose to be sterilised because she was certain from childhood that she never wanted children, and one who is very environmentally conscious and thinks there are already enough children in the world. None of them regretted their choices - I think those who are most likely to are those who make a purely economic decision, or whose partners don’t want them so they go along with that.

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

I just think whatever a couple, or woman, decides is entirely up to them.

We have 5 children between us, 4 doing well and contributing to society, and one trying to make it with a band 😱😱.

As an only child I longed for a big family and I feel privileged to have this happen.

The couples I feel most empathy with are those who try and try for babies, get pregnant and lose them, and people ask them when they are going to start a family.

DD was 4 when she first expressed doubts about having children and around 20, she decided she wasn't that keen onhaving a committed relationship with anyone.

No on in our family has ever questioned her or felt the need to know why she has made these decisions, She is now in her mid-50s. DS went the conventional route, wife and babies and we have never questioned his decisions either.