To Have Or Not To Have Children

Fidelity - your children are lucky to have been adopted by you and your husband. You are very special people.

Can't imagine not wanting children.My husband and I adopted a girl, then 2 years later a boy. That was no problem for us, as my Husbands parents had adopted him at a few weeks old. The children were, and still are our pride and joy.

It just depends on what you want in life. I know several women who had no interest in having chidren and myself decided at an early age I never wanted to marry and have chidren. Perhaps an omen as I could never get girlfriends when I was in my 20s as I was always in and out of work, and when I did get a regular job, only had short relationships and decided in my 40s to give up.

DD told me from the age of 12 years that she would not be having children as she was going to be a career woman.
She married young and true to her word did not have children, she lives abroad and travels the world.
DS married in his mid thirties and had children.
I am absolutely fine with everyone's choices.

The UK used to be 2.4 children. Hence the comedy programme of that name.
It is now 1.4 children.
There is growing concern.

Underpopulation s a concern for the (relatively) short term economics of individual countries.

If we’re concerned about pollution and irretrievable damage to the earth the only way to halt that is to reduce the human population.

The last two posts.
Under or over populated?

I’d heard under. Well, in Europe. It’s a growing concern (apparently).

The only hope for the planet is to reduce the human population massively.

It’s unsustainable at present levels.

Barleyfields

It’s a personal decision but I always wonder how many have decided not to have children and then regretted their decision when it’s too late.

I know 3 who bitterly regret it. One being my sister. She was very career driven and was blissfully child free until the age of 55 when she was made redundant. I didn't realise she regretted her decision until she told me at the age of 65. I was very surprised by this.

I also know a couple of women, professional, driven , no need of kids but who now feel that at 60+ their decision was being regretted. We just don't really think about how we will eventually age and not be quite so useful. I'm certainly not expecting my children to look after me in my dotage. I'm not particularly a hands on parent/grandparent but it's nice to know they're out there, living their lives

If you don't want children that's absolutely fine. Even though we're now being encouraged due to under population, which is going to be a massive problem in the western world in the near future.

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

The cost of housing nowadays too often means that 2 salaries are needed to pay the mortgage. Since I never needed to work when dds were small, I did feel a bit sad when the Gdd had to attend a nursery for part of the week, but on realising how much she enjoyed it and really thrived there - ditto later for Gds - I completely changed my mind. So good for socialising, learning to share and take turns, too.

When you date the same person for several years 'When are you going to get engaged?'. You eventually get engaged 'When are you going to get married?'. You get married 'When are you going to have children?'. You have a child 'When are you going to have another baby?'.
It is honestly no-one else's business what someone else does, as long as they are not hurting anyone.
Does anyone think that it may be very hurtful to ask the couple, when in fact one or both of them can't physically have children? I do wish people would mind their own business sometimes.

SIL tried for years to have a baby and despite being pregnant a few times unfortunately she wasn’t able to carry to full term. It’s very upsetting for her when people ask didn’t she want children and pretty thoughtless of them.

No one should be asking or have to explain

Ridiculous comment to say childfree people will be lonely. I have a neighbour aged 95 - she has advanced dementia and her children live abroad. They haven't come back to look after her!

I think if you are childfree you are naturally more resilient. I was an only child and went to boarding school so you have to toughen up!

I hear so many stories of estrangement. So having children does not guarantee a wonderful old age!

Keeping fit, voluntary work, hobbies, U3A, and having social interaction keep you mentally healthy.

Actually my friends who don’t have children, by choice or otherwise, are the best fun to be with.
They’ve maintained lots of different interests and friendships and seem to be enjoying life tremendously.

I don’t any signs of loneliness. I suppose they might feel differently in extreme old age but then they and people with children and grandchildren will probably be relying on non family carers at that stage anyway.

Strawberriesandpears I've just messaged you.

Churchview

I don't have children or a large extended family either Strawberriesandpears. They do say that friends are like the family that you chose for yourself and that's exactly how I feel about the friends I love and treasure.

Aww that's lovely! Would you mind if I sent you a message, please? I would find it so helpful to chat to someone in a similar position to myself.

I don't have children or a large extended family either Strawberriesandpears. They do say that friends are like the family that you chose for yourself and that's exactly how I feel about the friends I love and treasure.

Churchview

"Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age?"

The most wonderful lady I've ever met was my childless great aunt. When she was very old she was surrounded by lifelong friends, beloved neighbours and extended family. She couldn't possibly have been more loved if she'd had children of her own.

She said to me that her most heartening moments were when all the many seats around her table were filled with people she had chosen as friends and who had chosen her.

This is absolutely lovely! Thank you so much for sharing. I hope this is how my life will turn out. I do my very best to be a good friend. I can't help that I have little to no family. So I try to pour my heart into other relationships. Not everyone is lucky enough to have children (and let's face it - a lot of it is down to luck like meeting a partner at the right time, not suffering from fertility issues). Just because some of us haven't experienced that luck, doesn't mean we deserve to be old, sad, alone and lacking loving relationships. Especially if we are kind and thoughtful people. Thank you again. That's a boost of positivity which I much needed!

"Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age?"

The most wonderful lady I've ever met was my childless great aunt. When she was very old she was surrounded by lifelong friends, beloved neighbours and extended family. She couldn't possibly have been more loved if she'd had children of her own.

She said to me that her most heartening moments were when all the many seats around her table were filled with people she had chosen as friends and who had chosen her.

Allira

^I just think the decision should come with a health warning^

I agree. All babies should come with a health warning.

The warning should read "This sweet cuddly baby will become a terrible two, a thunderous three then later on a Teenager with all that entails 👹 Beware!"

Not forgetting that all their troubles and woes through life will be your troubles and woes. Once a mother always a mother.
I naively thought as a young mum that once they reached 18 I wouldn't have to worry about them. How wrong I was.

I just think the decision should come with a health warning

I agree. All babies should come with a health warning.

The warning should read "This sweet cuddly baby will become a terrible two, a thunderous three then later on a Teenager with all that entails 👹 Beware!"

Taichinan

I now tend to feel sorry for those who chose not to have children, and that's because I am now old and widowed and alone. I don't live near any of them as life has worked out, but I am in touch with them all the time. If they didn't exist where would that unquestioning love that I give and receive be channelled? To me, they are the greatest achievement of my long life and I'm so glad that we decided to have them - and that they too have had children and indeed that those children have started to produce another generation. Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age? And no, I'm not advocating having children as a guarantee of happiness in old age! I suppose you can't miss what you've never had.
Anyway, as most have said - it's their decision and theirs alone. I just think the decision should come with a health warning.

I am also intrigued as to what the 'health warning' should be. Presumably that loneliness kills. I have heard that said before.

Barleyfields

You have misunderstood Strawberries. Read taichin’s post again. She is not lonely or miserable. You really need to get a grip on this, as I have said more than once.

I know she isn't lonely or miserable, but she put that down to having children and grandchildren!

You have misunderstood Strawberries. Read taichin’s post again. She is not lonely or miserable. You really need to get a grip on this, as I have said more than once.

Taichinan

I now tend to feel sorry for those who chose not to have children, and that's because I am now old and widowed and alone. I don't live near any of them as life has worked out, but I am in touch with them all the time. If they didn't exist where would that unquestioning love that I give and receive be channelled? To me, they are the greatest achievement of my long life and I'm so glad that we decided to have them - and that they too have had children and indeed that those children have started to produce another generation. Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age? And no, I'm not advocating having children as a guarantee of happiness in old age! I suppose you can't miss what you've never had.
Anyway, as most have said - it's their decision and theirs alone. I just think the decision should come with a health warning.

I am childless by circumstance and fully expect to have a lonely and miserable old age. You have confirmed this will be the case.