Funeral wishes

I'm with Monica. I believe the funeral service is the privilege of the survivors. We took great care to arrange a service that my mother would have approved of. It was our final gift to her and one that I was honoured to do. I would have felt a little hurt if she had arranged it as though she didn't trust us to do a good job.

Excellent idea. I've also read a few hilarious obituaries that the decedents wrote themselves. I plan to use John Cleese's lines from the "Dead Parrot" sketch.

I know that it is illogical, as I won't know much about it but I want to be planted not burned, because I am afraid of fire! I can take the madness even further by expecting Satan to be waiting for me if I take the incineration route! My C of E Sunday School has a lot to answer f or!!

The only problem is going to be that there will be noone at any service (hymns via a tape recorder do not work!). Old chums are either scattered far and wide or deceased; junior daughter living in USA; two seniors, no speakies! Dogs might give the occasional woof, though!

Oh, joy!

I think you are perfectly within your rights to determine what you want to happen when you die. I'm told that I'm selfish as I don't want a service or flowers or any of the fluff that many people want. I'm just hoping water resomation will be more popular by the time I leave the land of the living.

am having a direct cremation and my 10 year old grandson said to me "I'll look after your ashes Nana". Was so touched, he is a thoughtful little soul

I've told my kids my cremation is paid for with a Direct Cremation. I have no religion so I don't want any sort of service, if they want to have a send off, then they know me better than anyone else alive and they can do it all themselves, taking the cash out of what I have left. they also know my sort of music I like and luckily they like it too. They can do what they like with my ashes, keep it or shake it out somewhere. I don't want it to cost them anything apart from that I don't care what they do, I'll be dead anyway so I won't know anything about it.

My son knows if there is any organ fir enough to be used then it gets used. Though at 80 & disabled probably wont be. He knows i dont want too much fuss & dont want hymns as we are not religious. Said he will have my favourite songs by Status Quo & The Doors played at some point even if only afterwards! Told him it is mostly up to him as he is the one who will be stuck with it as long as I dont outlive him. Said that as he is just coming out of a major scare thanks to having Crohns.

Definitely let your wishes be known. My husband and I have already paid for direct cremations as we don’t want traditional funerals. Our families know about it and said it’s our decision.

The trouble is that if there's more than one person having to make those decisions, it's possible that they won't agree. Funerals, like weddings. seem to highlight differences.

Please don’t forget to tell family if you’d like your organs to be donated so others can live longer.

Funerals are for the living. It should not be for the dead to impose their wishes on survivors.

Burn and return for me absolutely no fuss….
I have made my wishes known and once my ashes have been scattered, whether that’s the next day the next month or the next year I then want my family to go and have a lovely meal and raise a glass..

But decisions made by your family while you are alive and with them is very different to how they will feel after you have died. Grief affects people in surprising and unexpected ways.

My children know broadly how I would like to be disposed of after my death, but also know, that I am leaving them to make their own final decision after I have gone.

If they find they just want to get rid of my remains as fast and as quietly as possible that is fine by me - and as I said their grief takes them to want to give me a big send off with a horse and cart and white plumes and lots of wreaths saying 'Mum'. That is up to them, I am just glad I will not be around when they do it!

My family know that when my husband died I bought a double plot, so I will be buried next to him in a beautiful woodland setting ( a green burial ). I hope that prayers will be said and I would be happy if they used same music as I chose for him.

Beyond that, I think it will depend when I die. If it is soon, whilst I am still active at church, I would hope they would include that element. But if I live to a very old age and am no longer actively involved, my family can do what suits them at the time, as they are not really religious nowadays. I have written this down, but not really discussed it with them. In the main, I think funerals are for the living rather than the dead.

I think it would be selfish not to let the family know what you want! How are they supposed to guess what you would have wanted, plus all that added stress of them getting it just right.
Best thing for other people who don’t want to plan their own funeral, is to maybe write a list of songs they like & let the family choose one song each. Also a list of life events, or achievements to add to a eulogy- just makes life that little bit easier for those organising your funeral.

It’s up to you, your life, your body. It’s the least selfish thing you could do to plan your own funeral, less stress for your family to organise, especially on top of their grief.
My friend though, has signed papers to have her body taken away & cremated, no family, no friends. Maybe thats a little extreme but that’s down to her.

M0nica

I think it is very selfish for people to make all their own decisions about their funeral without full discussion witg their family.

By the time it happens you will be dead and will get no benefit from it. meanwhile you may have tied your grieving family into doing things they really do not want.

I am leaving my family to decide themselves what sort of funeral they feel will sustain them best. Whether it is dumping my remains in the land waste bin and letting the council remove me, or hiring a great cathedral, and a symphony orchestra for a full requiem mass, I leave to all to them to do what will bring them, the living, left behind grieving, the greatest solace. I will no longer be sentient, so will know nothing about it.

I can’t see that what I’ve asked for is selfish, in fact it’s just the opposite, I’ve helped them by telling them my wishes and taken off the need for them to decide on the details.

I have told my children they could do what they wanted as I’d be dead. (But I’ll mention things I’d like)

But having buried both my son and my husband in 8 months, it was helpful to have some idea of what DH had wanted, we floundered with our son who died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Perhaps saying that they are ideas, rather than exactly what you want, might help your children.

On the contrary, I think it makes life so much easier if your family knows your wishes beforehand.

All AC, DH, my sister and close friends know where I would like my ashes to be scattered.

I so agree with you Monica. If they can remember, (they’ve probably forgotten) twenty years ago I told my family on the way to my aunts funeral, that what they did when I died was up to them. My DDs accepted it, my husband was shocked. But at that stage although we were sad none of us were deeply emotionally upset. Twenty years later it is much harder to bring up the subject without upsetting DDs although I think I will be able to talk about it to DGS. He’s visiting in April, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Yes - they know it all, including where I want my ashes scattered. I’ve even shown them where my Solicitor is and they have my FA’s number and the details of another pension provider.

Surely, as these are my last wishes, the DDs will honour them - I would never want to request anything out of their comfort zone though.
As I’ve written before, if I’m in my box (wicker) without eyeliner, they’ve been told that I’ll come back and haunt them!

I know where you are coming from 'MOnica' and did give this point some thought. I have told the family all my choices and they are all quite happy about it.

I think it is very selfish for people to make all their own decisions about their funeral without full discussion witg their family.

By the time it happens you will be dead and will get no benefit from it. meanwhile you may have tied your grieving family into doing things they really do not want.

I am leaving my family to decide themselves what sort of funeral they feel will sustain them best. Whether it is dumping my remains in the land waste bin and letting the council remove me, or hiring a great cathedral, and a symphony orchestra for a full requiem mass, I leave to all to them to do what will bring them, the living, left behind grieving, the greatest solace. I will no longer be sentient, so will know nothing about it.

I've done the same as 'Poppyred'
It's all there, music, service, flowers, coffin, scattertube, clothes and all paid for. The family know where to find the papers when the time comes.