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Maternal grandparents vs. paternal grandparents

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Judithjack1 Sat 17-May-25 17:17:37

I am mother to 3 sons, each are married with children of their own. My first two sons were planned and within 3 years of each other, so they are a bit older than my youngest ... who is 8 years younger.
I have learned through my older sons' marriages and children's births that the maternal grandmother is more often called upon for her expertise, help and support.
It was very difficult in the beginning, but I have learned this is the way it is with family.
My youngest son married a young woman who is very dear to me. They had a baby one year ago. My daughter-in-law's family lives 2 1/2 hours away however her mother is always called upon to travel to babysit the baby. My son and his wife, with the baby, travel at least once a month to visit her family, spending 3 days with them. Her mother also visits once a week, staying 2-3 days. In the beginning I was asked to visit on Fridays when my daughter in law worked from home to help her with the baby. I felt like I was developing a relationship with my new granddaughter; she recognized me and smiled. In the last 5 weeks, her mother's visits have included Fridays, so I have not had an opportunity to spend much time with my new granddaughter. I have noticed that she is unwilling to come to me. When we do visit, it's from a couple of hours, or one overnight stay, and my husband and I are never asked to babysit our new granddaughter. (we live 50 minutes away).
I haven't mentioned this to her, I have lightly mentioned to my son, who understands but doesn't seem to know how to handle the situation.
Should I discuss my feelings with his wife, or just get over it?

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sukie Sun 18-May-25 15:36:33

OP, I think you should leave it alone. You see them now as it is and hopefully you can relax with it and let it flow. Bringing it up to them, imo, will put a cloud over the visits you do have and could very well put a bit of a wedge between them. Once said, you can't get it back.

Regarding the old saying, I don't see it as a hard and fast rule, just an observation. I have 5 brothers and 4 sisters. In every single case, the men spent more time with the wife's family and the women with their own. But there were never hard feelings about it, everyone got along.

I remember hearing many years ago that in American Indian tribes, if a man married a woman from another tribe, he always left his own tribe and went with hers. It was understood that women functioned better within their own.

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Grammaretto Sun 18-May-25 15:56:26

My DD's inlaws are 10yrs younger than me, a couple, recently retired, have plenty of space and our DGC are their first. So it's a no-brainer although sometimes when DD is rude to me which has happened I asked if she spoke to her DMiL the way she spoke to me?
Of course not! She snapped.
So I suppose I should be grateful 😅

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Lathyrus3 Sun 18-May-25 16:28:24

I wish the OP would come back to clarify a few things. I found her initial pist a bit confusing about how much visiting was going on.

It sounded manic to me.

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J52 Sun 18-May-25 16:32:27

Whoops I didn’t mean to quote j52

Not a problem Iam64

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megan777 Mon 19-May-25 16:39:31

It’s really tough feeling left out, but you're definitely not alone. A lot of grandparents go through this. Hang in there, your bond will grow with time.

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crazyH Tue 20-May-25 21:00:32

If it makes someone feel better……
I am the maternal grandparent. And I feel rather sad today. My granddaughter has just been offered a fantastic job, her first job. She did not inform me. She rang her paternal grandparents to give them the good news. It was my daughter (her mum) who rang me with the news. I suppose it doesn’t really matter who gave me the news but I just felt a bit left-out.
I know she is very special to her paternal grandparents because there are no girls in their family. It is what it is. I must accept where I stand in the pecking order.
Judithjack - I understand how you feel

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