Stay at Home Mums

I don't have children, but when we got a dog I retired to have fun with her. Going to work (which I'd previously adored) seemed a bore when I realised I could be out in the hills and on the beach with my pup.

If we'd have had children and were fortunate enough for me to be at home with them I would have done so. It's for such a brief spell I'd have wanted to revel in every minute of it. That said, I can really see it's not for everyone and not everyone is lucky enough to have the choice.

I was lucky to be able to carry on singing professionally after having children as DH would arrive home and take over in the evening or weekends plus support generally. I didn’t travel abroad for my career or teach part time until they were older.

I loved having children and have no regrets even though I might have had a larger career without them.

I’m not domesticated and not all women are suited to being solely a homemaker (the term which took over from housewife…) I know men better fitted for the job and a musician cousin stayed at home child rearing, cooking etc through long lean patches while his wife ‘worked’. Temperamentally more suited to it than I was in fact. Child rearing is work of course.

I’m reminded of an aunt who fell into a severe depression at home and was advised by her doctor to get a job outside the home. My mother, her sister and most of the women I knew then stayed at home whether they wanted to or not (1950s).
They had enjoyed war work and my mother certainly felt confined, although a good mother.

The automatic assumption that being at home is wrong is misplaced, a blanket view applied to everyone.
I often pop into Mumsnet and enjoy it, even if I’m sometimes taken aback!

Perhaps there are concerns about pension rights for SAHM?

Coming home from school when I was young, I would turn into our road, and see my Mum’s head leaning out of the window of our top-floor flat watching for me! I found that really comforting.
The strange thing is, when I grew up, we didn’t have that close a relationship. Looking back, I find that strange.
I did treasure the fact that she was a SAHM , but I’m not sure she did!
When I got married and had my own children, I didn’t work outside the home. We were broke, but we were determined the children would come home to a house with mum in it, and not an empty one. I was lucky in that a friend had a business and offered me a Saturday job, when my husband could have the children. It was good for me not to waste my brain, and my husband enjoyed having his girls to himself. He would take them out on adventures which would have I been totally ruined had I been there because I would have been terrified they would hurt themselves. He also took them clothes shopping when they were teenagers! Can’t see that happening today! The girls would say that he would pick something off the rails, they would roll their eyes, he would ask them to try it on anyway, and it invariably became a favourite item of clothing!
When both daughters got married, they specifically asked their dad to come with us when we went to choose their dresses. I think those times with their Dad were the reason they continued to be exceptionally close for all his life.

Yes - when I was back at work part time my DDs had a Daddy Day - his day off when he looked after them. I did not enquire too closely as to what went on, but suspect chocolate was involved!

These days people are very,very lucky if they can look after children and own a house on just one income. At least we had a choice. I worked part time sometimes, other times full time.At a time when a few of them were attending private schools I had 3 jobs, husband had 2 . Boy was it worth it, though, looking back. That’s us,though. We are all different.

I truly wish I could have been a SAHM.

This Mum should follow her heart and do what is best for her and her family, I can only conclude the other Mum’s don’t have such easy choices.

I have never found either my own or other people’s little ones “mind-numbing”

We were in the Middle East when ours were small, dh working long hours in a demanding job. There was no option but for me to stay at home with dds - childcare was just not available, unless you imported a nanny from somewhere else - which just wouldn’t have been possible - no space in the house and dh’s co. would not have sponsored anyone.

Quite a few of us were in the same position, though, so I was quite happy being at home with them. I didn’t go back to work until the younger started school, but it was strictly part-time, to fit.

I always thought the point of women's lib was about choice but if you are pressured to 'choose' your career over childcare then you are not liberated. Personally I think that ideally one parent should stay at home in the early years- not necessarily the mum. I agree that all women should have a financial back up plan.

5 years is a long time to be out of the workforce especially for someone who worked at such a senior level earning 85k pa.

If she were to re-enter the workforce 5 years later, she may have to start from the bottom and work her way up again. Plus, marriage breakdown is very high in this country.

I don’t think the other mumnetters are jealous because this lady has the privilege of being a SAHM, they are just being realistic.

I work fulltime without a break and the same goes with my sisters living overseas, a few of them hired live maids when their children were very young. Our children all turned out to be well adjusted adults.

All of us retire early in our late fifties/early sixties.

Sorry, I meant live in maids.

SporeRB A few of them hired live maids when the children were very young.
Better than hiring dead maids I suppose.

I am intrigued as to whether those who chose career over staying at home with their children (rather than for financial reasons) ever feel sad to have missed out on being around for those precious first years. This is not a value-loaded question - all choices are valid - I am just wondering whether this is something that is a problem. I know of mothers who had to be at work when theirs were little who now, as grandparents, are especially pleased to be able to spend lots of time with their grandchildren.

Such difficult choices.

Sadly financial considerations often dictate these decisions. Some young mums I know are meeting themselves coming back and feel they cannot do justice to either role, partly because of time constraints and partly through sheer exhaustion.

Luckygirl3

No.

I am suggesting that singing with children should not be seen as below someone with intelligence!

Has anyone suggested it isn't? I ooved everything I did with my children,singing dancing,reading counting cuddling, bathing feeding, playing. But, with the best will in the world none of these activities are intellectually strenuous, and yes I often felt that I was going around, mentally, with blinds half down. That is not the same thing as thinking that such activities were below me.

In my case I balanced this with studying for further qualifications and then under taking academic studies.

Magenta8

SporeRB A few of them hired live maids when the children were very young.
Better than hiring dead maids I suppose.

I asked my sisters and they all confirmed that their maids were indeed living maids and not dead ones ha ha ha

Luckygirl3

I am intrigued as to whether those who chose career over staying at home with their children (rather than for financial reasons) ever feel sad to have missed out on being around for those precious first years. This is not a value-loaded question - all choices are valid - I am just wondering whether this is something that is a problem. I know of mothers who had to be at work when theirs were little who now, as grandparents, are especially pleased to be able to spend lots of time with their grandchildren.

Such difficult choices.

Sadly financial considerations often dictate these decisions. Some young mums I know are meeting themselves coming back and feel they cannot do justice to either role, partly because of time constraints and partly through sheer exhaustion.

I can only speak for myself, but no, I don't feel I missed out anything. I did lots of activities with both of my children on the days when I wasn't at work, and even on the days when I was working, I was usually home in time to give them their dinner, bathtime, bedtime stories and so on. They both absolutely thrived in the nursery environment too. When they weren't at nursery, they spent time at both grannies' houses - and even now, they remember those days very fondly.
Don't get me wrong, I don't for one minute regret having my children, but I loved my job too and I honestly believe they were happier with a happy mum who juggled her career and her family than one who would have struggled to be at home with them 24/7 (I'm talking about the pre-school years here) and maybe even become resentful because of that.
I was never cut out to be a stay-at-home mum, and I admire those who do, honestly, because I know how hard it is. I knew my own limitations and was honest enough to admit that.

Luckygirl3

I am intrigued as to whether those who chose career over staying at home with their children (rather than for financial reasons) ever feel sad to have missed out on being around for those precious first years. This is not a value-loaded question - all choices are valid - I am just wondering whether this is something that is a problem. I know of mothers who had to be at work when theirs were little who now, as grandparents, are especially pleased to be able to spend lots of time with their grandchildren.

Such difficult choices.

Sadly financial considerations often dictate these decisions. Some young mums I know are meeting themselves coming back and feel they cannot do justice to either role, partly because of time constraints and partly through sheer exhaustion.

Not me, I would have been climbing the walls as a full time mum, and when I became pregnant I knew that I wanted to return to work. I made a conscious choice, not for financial reasons, and it was the right one for both my children and me. My children were happy, they were confident and outgoing with lots of friends, I was happy because I enjoyed my career and the time spent with my children was focussed on them.

My husband died when my youngest was nine, and I really thanked my lucky stars then that I had continued my career, because otherwise we could not have maintained our lifestyle. I can honestly say I’ve got no regrets at all.

Had to google SAHM - thought it was some new well paid career 🤣

If the mother can stay at home and her partner can pay her a full salary as a housekeeper, plus pension yes but this cannot be done.
These days no one can read the future, as you can see on MN, couples that are married for 20+ years, are all of a sudden upended. The SAHM are not only worse off monetary but also their security is in question, while bringing up the couple’s children, they have to move homes etc. Also we mustn’t forget retirement, their pension is a lot lower.
There is no respect given to SAHM, the partner goes off with OW starts a new family and of course there is no money, except for pittance, for the first set of children. It’s called ‘that’s life’ and they have to accept their lot.

So the nursery staff are insane making a poor career choice singing wiggly worm songs, maybe they're not good enough to look after your child but if you won't do it!

Moii

So the nursery staff are insane making a poor career choice singing wiggly worm songs, maybe they're not good enough to look after your child but if you won't do it!

Who suggested that? I certainly didn't. I have every respect for anyone who chooses childcare (of any kind) as a career. It's a vital and very worthwhile job and I was very grateful to the lovely nursery staff who looked after my children (and my GS) both at their private nurseries and at the school nursery too.

I stayed at home because we agreed that my salary would be used entirely to pay for nursery fees. The argument was that we didn’t see why pay for someone else to bring up our child/ren.
We were never well off, but had enough + plenty ofvtim3 fo4 our children.
At the time, the eldest used to worry about the fancy clothes and holidays especially that “everyone” has. DH’a comment was” you haven’t seen their bank balance”! He was a banker…
Now, they all agree that it was an excellent decision.
Incidentally, the “kept woman” comment is a joke. And if asked what I did, I’d reply that I worked very hard indeed for very long hours. The sneers I received when told I was a SAHM were very hurtful.

I had three boys in four years. I stayed at home to look after them from choice. We lived on a very tight budget for many years, holidays were a week in my brother-in-law's home in the country, but I was so happy and never bored, neither were my two friends who lived close by. I returned to work part time 9 - 1.00 when the youngest was 7. I wanted to be at home when the children arrived from school. Happy days.

Thank God (or whoever) that my DH didn't wish to have "his own money" cos there would have been none left at the end of the week, despite him being pretty well paid! I managed it all for the benefit of us all.

Mumsnet is, sadly, full of women whose marriages have failed so the need to have your own finances has proved to be paramount. In 1970 it wasn't the norm. "Career Women" - as my DM called me when I hadn't presented her with a grandchild by the age of 25 - were still something of a novelty.

I married at 20 having left school at 16, despite being top of the class. It was expected in working-class families. After marrying I decided to train as an Accountant and it took 7 years, when I then had my first DD. I was in a very good job as Chief Accountant in an International Advertising Agency (think "A secure home for your money with Bradford and Bingley" and the Dulux Dog). I never intended to go back into the job but I managed to do two evenings a week teaching Accounting an Night School to middle-aged women who wished to get into the job market again. I loved it. When DH came home from work he was handed the baby and off I went!

When DD2 came along we were short of bedrooms so we moved, but it was a scary mortgage for us. I remember saying that we would not be able to afford to replace any of the carpets or eat meat again!! But I started to take on private clients and when the girls were at playschool/primary school and other mums did part-time work we took it in turns to have 4 kiddies once a week. We also did favours in picking them up from school.

That was my working life till my youngest was 11. And by then, we DID have new carpets and DID afford to eat meat, and even had an extension built.

Had we based our lives on the assumption that we would split up, I am certain that our girls would not be as stable, loving and successful as they are. But then, had my marriage failed (there is something to be said for sticking it out rather than ditching your partner at the first argument), I would have lived comfortably in a flat rather than my 5-bed detached, and got on with it.

Of course I believe that people should make their own choices in life and nobody has the perfect plan. Both my DDs are the chief breadwinners in their marriages (or were, cos my eldest has just been served with her redundancy notice). Only the eldest has children (now teens) and though they went to nursery it wasn't full time. Both sets of GPs had them a day each, for some years DD only worked 4 days a week, later it was term time only, it all worked very well.

But each to their own, quite rightly.

I stayed away from full time work until mine were older. I did home typing, worked in M&S of an evening and weekends, then once they went to school found jobs that allowed me the holidays off. Only once they were older did I focus on me and retrained and belatedly started a worthwhile career. It worked for us because when I was at work DH looked after the kids. I was lucky in retrospect that I didn’t have to work full time but my eldest DD does and pays out astronomical amounts in childcare in order to do so. We don’t live nearby so can’t pick up the slack. I know she is constantly juggling to fit her demanding full time job in around picking them up from daycare.