Stay at Home Mums

Allira

ViceVersa

Allira

How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

How sad that some people just can't accept that what may be fulfilling for one person might not be for another.

It's the remarks about mothers who stay at home which are unpleasant and need counteracting.

It’s both that are unpleasant to those who made a different choice. For example, the remark you made about it being sad that nurturing children is not valued by those who choose to work - do you think that mothers who also choose to work don’t nurture their children too because they don’t do it full time? That is deeply offensive to the ‘other side’ too,
Honestly, there will never be a meeting of minds over this issue

Part of The first reply to OP-

f she is going to stay at home I can understand the need for the child to be in nursery for a couple of days, looking after a little one is mind numbing and the child would benefit mixing with other children.

Anniebach, l was speaking of myself and my own point of view - all that any of us here are able to do - and certainly did not intend to upset you or anyone else. We are all so very different and what works for one person is not the best thing for someone else. The one thing that shines through this thread is the love each of us has for our children, however we brought them up.

Also, I will reiterate that I was a full-time mother until the youngest started school, apart from that one evening a week. It was a very special, happy and, yes, fulfilling time. My children have always been the most important people in my lives apart from my husband. However, l, in common with many here it seems, did more paid work when all the children were at school. As children grow older, their needs and interests become more expensive. My own children were musical and instruments and lessons are not cheap. Then there were cubs/brownies and scouts/guides and their accompanying activities. School itself has its own expenses - uniform and shoes. I always made sure my children had Clarks or Startrite shoes. In addition to this there are school trips. Without my part-time income, this would have been almost impossible and I expect many others would say the same.

Allira

ViceVersa

Allira

How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

How sad that some people just can't accept that what may be fulfilling for one person might not be for another.

It's the remarks about mothers who stay at home which are unpleasant and need counteracting.

I haven't made any disparaging remarks about stay-at-home mums. On the contrary, I said I take my hat off to them, because I know how hard a job it is. If you want to stay at home with your children and find that fulfilling, that's great - and I truly mean that. But is it so hard to comprehend that not everyone may feel the same? The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

Luckygirl3

Yes - when I was back at work part time my DDs had a Daddy Day - his day off when he looked after them. I did not enquire too closely as to what went on, but suspect chocolate was involved!

Chocolate would have been the least of my worries! It came to light much later that climbing trees (!) exploring local woods and crossing streams were involved, to name just three!
Still, they survived, thankfully!

Anniebach

Surely a choice made is what’s best for my child not what’s best for me

No, the choice is what is best for both of you. Happy parents are needed for happy children

If one’s child is unhappy is one happy ?

Anniebach

If one’s child is unhappy is one happy ?

You could equally argue that an unhappy parent could well end up taking it out on their child.

ViceVersa I haven't made any disparaging remarks about stay-at-home mums. On the contrary, I said I take my hat off to them, because I know how hard a job it is. If you want to stay at home with your children and find that fulfilling, that's great - and I truly mean that. But is it so hard to comprehend that not everyone may feel the same? The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

The mumsnet poster could add the her cv whilst she stays home. Work from home, volunteer, take classes, she can keep herself current.

Agree ViceVersa at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

Anniebach

If one’s child is unhappy is one happy ?

A friend used to say that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

Norah

ViceVersa I haven't made any disparaging remarks about stay-at-home mums. On the contrary, I said I take my hat off to them, because I know how hard a job it is. If you want to stay at home with your children and find that fulfilling, that's great - and I truly mean that. But is it so hard to comprehend that not everyone may feel the same? The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

The mumsnet poster could add the her cv whilst she stays home. Work from home, volunteer, take classes, she can keep herself current.

No, apparently SAHM just sit at home all day, hovering over their children. 😂

The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

So why the somewhat disparaging and patronising remarks from some posters who may not have had that choice in the 1960s and 1970s?

I know what it's like to be a SAHM, to work part-time, to work full-time and carry that guilt that you weren't always there when your child needed you even as a teenager. As well as juggling the care of elderly parents. I've experienced all aspects of parenting, including a DH being absent overseas for months with work and being sole carer as well as working.

Sometimes women cannot have it all without ending up frazzled and worn out.

I am trying to imagine a men's forum where the members competed to decide who was the most self sacrificing and noble father, and anyone who worked at a career was seen as failing as a man and a father.

Yet this is what this thread is doing for women. It is not as if there is any correlation between the 'success' of adult children (however one defines it) and the lifestyle of the majority of parents when the children are young, whether they work or not, what they do, how they care for their children etc etc.

I stayed home until my youngest was seven but I had four children close in age and they were certainly a full time job.
My children went back to full time paid jobs when each baby was a year old and their lives have been frenzied, stress-filled, non-stop hard work. Compared to how mine were brought up my grandchildren have been quite neglected and deprived. They know no different and their parents have no choice, they all have to work full-time.

I regarded looking after my family as a full-time job and one that I was so happy to do. They are children for such a short time and we wanted them to remember that I was there to support them. Obviously, not everyone is
fortunate enough to be able to do that.

It all sounds such a terrible struggle. I had no desire to have children but somehow my husband persuaded me that one might be OK. I am not career minded either so although I had a high flying job in the City of London, I was hoping to escape somehow.
In order to make that escape, I started my own business well before it’s time, a dating agency in the 80’s when it was considered shameful. During labour I worked queuing at the post office to send my many members their monthly list of hopeful matches. Three days later I was back at work with our lovely son next to me. Eventually I sent him to nursery in a super posh village nearby. He would come home crying every day and he wasn’t the kind to do that. His fun was keeping me awake all night! During the day he was very quiet. I went to the nursery and the owner gave me a plate of congealed roast dinner and in no uncertain terms instructed me to give it him in evening because against her strict rules of eating everything she put in front of them he had dared to say no more as he was a light eater. He’s now 36 and has a managerial job but can’t eat a lot. On his journey, he was a chef in Spain. He was a gym manager and a qualified nutritionist, none of which held his interest for long. Should mention that he never returned to the nursery. She was like something from Matilda.

Quote M0nica Sun 08-Jun-25 19:18:26
I am trying to imagine a men's forum where the members competed to decide who was the most self sacrificing and noble father, and anyone who worked at a career was seen as failing as a man and a father.

MOnica is this how you see mothers who want to stay with their children ? , you are so wrong, I didn’t work when our children were small , self sacrificing ? No, it was joyful certainly no sacrifice , you have such sad thoughts of choosing to stay with your children.

No not how I see it Anniebach, but the message I get from reading SAHM posts on this thread.

If you haven't got the message from my posts on this thread that I think this whole thread is daft. What is best for children is widely varying in this country and in cultures all around the world. It is up to each family to decide works best for them.

I have been both, a stay at home parent and a working mother. That worked for me and I make no judgement on those who did things differently.

It is the way the SAHM's seem to think because they SAH, this makes them virttuous above all others that sticks in my throat,

I'm with you on this, M0nica. I've repeatedly said that I have every respect for mothers who do choose to stay at home with their children - but we're all different and for some of us, that would have been a sacrifice. Is it really so hard for some people to accept that? It doesn't mean we love our children any less - and you are spot on that men do not get judged in the same way, even now in 2025.

Monica if you think thread daft, why bother with it?
I used to love coming home from school and mom being there.
It's a personal decision and in lots of cases it's a financial one.
No one should be made to feel less than they are if tge workmircstay at home. I just know I enjoyed those formative years with mine but we were very hard up but managed.

I am very sad to read how some posters talk about mothers who work.
Choice is an interesting word in this context.
My husband left me for another woman shortly after the birth of my last child. He moved away and took a series of temporary, low paid jobs.
I was glad to have a job which enabled my children to have a home, food, and clothes.
And if we are playing that game, all those children are functioning adults, all graduates, some with post graduate qualifications, in careers, all happily married with children. Perhaps my lovely childminders had some part in their successes.
Their early years were very hard work ..for me. What was the alternative?

Choosing not to leave your children with child care is a
sacrifice !

Choosing not to return to the job I loved and staying at home possibly coming to resent my children for that would not have done any of us any favours. They thrived through a combination of nursery and care from their grandparents. We are all different. I'm not judging anyone who chooses to be a stay at home mum - but there's a lot of judgement on here towards those of us who have admitted that wasn't what we chose to do.

Allsorts daft threads can be quite amusing.

This one is rather poisonous. SAHM's seem to have deep insecurities to be unable to accept that their choice is one of many, most of equal value, and what matters is the welfare of the child and that can be met in so many different ways.