Adult children don't seem to get old age!

^It seems many of us, me included don’t want to appear/act/dress as elderly and doddery as eg our grandparents at our age, if indeed they made it much beyond 70, but
are surprised the younger generation don’t recognise our advancing years.^

This exactly!

Rabbitgran, I think what you have illustrated here is the difference between the written and spoken word, especially in these comments. The written word can only be interpreted by the way it is written whereas the spoken word can be interpreted in many different tones of voice and if, in a face-to-face situation, by expression. Lots of the comments here, if spoken in a kindly tone, would take on a entirely different stance.

Rabbitgran The answer to your AC saying your comments are distressful is to reply that yes, they are distressful to you too, but you are telling them because the situation is stressful to you - just as it was distressful to you when AC told you of the situation they were facing when (add what they needed your help with) but you didn't silence them then and send them away without support.

I think our children are so used to parents being a rock in times of trouble that it does distress them when the tables are turned.

I think you're right, lafergar, there are many replies lacking empathy and also quite irritable, as if these gransnetters are threatened in some way by what you have written. Also some lovely replies that clearly 'get you'. I haven't much advice to add but many thanks for raising this issue. It is reassuring that I am not the only one with this kind of problem. I think it can be an AC personality thing and you can explain but the AC just never gets it. I have AC living nearby who doesn't get me/it and if I try to explain, replies by saying that my comments are stressful so I end up backtracking. I think that this AC will always be oblivious despite having received copious amounts of practical and financial help from us. My other AC lives overseas and does get me. We can talk (and disagree) and I don't have to backtrack. I can honestly explain my difficulties and be understood, sometimes am given practical help and likewise. But you can only try. Groups are a double edged sword for me. I have been empathetic to group members, kept confidentiality and given practical help but it's a consideration that has rarely been returned.

MayBee70

NannySue45

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

On the rare occasion that my daughter comes to my house it’s as if she can’t wait to leave. I just feel that I must be terribly boring . Having said that I think your daughters comment was meant to be lighthearted with no intent to hurt you..

Honestly! Whether she meant to hurt or not, she did. Someone needs to teach her some manners and consideration! Your comment was the only one in this thread to actually make me gasp in shock.

WinterSunshine

I understand how you feel and know that not everyone sees and recognises it when parents start to show signs of age. My own AC saw me as invincible (I'm 92). I had to sit them down and explain the changes that age brings; aches and pains, extreme tiredness, the will power it needs just to get put of bed on some days. They each reacted differently. One shrugged and said, 'I'm always here if you need me'. Another saw it as a problem to be solved and set about reorganising my home to make life easier. The third offers emotional support by making regular video calls on Facetime, just to chat. These things only happened because I sat them down and told them how I was feeling. Their reactions reflected their own lifestyles and problems and I accepted that. No one knows how you are feeling unless you tell them. No one 'gets' old age until they have lived it for themselves.

Spot on. A very wise post 🙂

It's hard to explain to people how you really feel .
If you aren't expressing what they want to hear -it falls on deaf ears !
I join as many things as I am able to though I happily get on with my writing or art work alone .
I get pressurised into joining a craft group .
It takes me a time to get there and I can't get on with my own projects .
I'm repeatedly asked to join the art group and find myself helping the teacher.
She gets paid .
I don't !
I have helped people learn to paint and draw in the past .
As I've suffered from health problems over the last 18 months I can't get my son to understand that I really don't always feel that well and certainly not well enough to meet him in London .
When I cared for their grandfather for a long time none of my children seemed to understand that I was completely exhausted .

I understand how you feel and know that not everyone sees and recognises it when parents start to show signs of age. My own AC saw me as invincible (I'm 92). I had to sit them down and explain the changes that age brings; aches and pains, extreme tiredness, the will power it needs just to get put of bed on some days. They each reacted differently. One shrugged and said, 'I'm always here if you need me'. Another saw it as a problem to be solved and set about reorganising my home to make life easier. The third offers emotional support by making regular video calls on Facetime, just to chat. These things only happened because I sat them down and told them how I was feeling. Their reactions reflected their own lifestyles and problems and I accepted that. No one knows how you are feeling unless you tell them. No one 'gets' old age until they have lived it for themselves.

I’ve lived alongside chronic pain and limited energy for over 30 years. My family knew and know, they have always helped if I asked for it but would never assume. Most of the time I can adapt things and do what I want or need to without others realising, anything from pegging the washing out to a walk on the sea front.

We’ve found our own way through, as teenagers our sons simply adjusted without fuss. Mum was as she was. As adults they sometimes (often in the case of one) forget but never mind being reminded. There’s something about a matter of fact approach that has worked for us.

The biggest adaption was in me. It was and still is hard to accept the things my head says I can do my body says oh no you can’t. My self esteem took a knock initially, it gradually re built.

It’s hard not to be as we want to be lafergar. Chronic pain can have a real impact on mood, how we see ourselves and how we believe the world views us. It’s frankly miserable, sometimes more so than at others.

My apologies if I’ve misunderstood your situation. If it is that you’ve never voiced any of your daily struggle to your family they will see you as they always have. Adult children truly don’t like to think their parents are any less able than they have ever been. If you feel you could have a quiet, factual chat with them and make them aware of the challenges you face my guess is they would appreciate your trust and would respond appropriately. All you can do is try and remember they are adults.

Others are right, you’re still relatively young, Please try re-shaping things, whether practical or emotional to have more contentment in your life. You deserve it, we all do.

It is true though that children seem to regard your home as the family home, for them to return to as they wish.

My lovely DIL reminded mine that I should not be expected to host Christmas dinner for 11 for example.

I have thrown out a whole load of my DD's college books finally, so I too am beginning to get it

sorry thats muddled, posting a bit too late today.

lafergar whatever people have said or not said, you have opened a very valuable thread and conversation. I'm isolated because only one son doesnt live close

but most of all he and Dil have one child who is so severely disabled I'm aware that altho they care, and son will talking about feelings (within careful ie me not wanting to burden but share enough) DGD will always take time and energy up.

But it also means they understand "disability". They are brilliant mature parents and I do not have to worry about supporting them especially as "the other gran and grandad" is in a good position to support in a big house.

In terms of younger peoples understanding it's a lot to do with whether they have had major health evens in their lives. I have a carer to help me out tho only 74 with this and that

like confidence/encouragement to get out and about and she is the same age as my son but she has had a very tough cancer journey and so she understands a lot that other wise younger people would not have.

So I think please are what you feel you can share more and tho its hard try to pull back from being "strong and independent". Its sort of scary to do this but better n the whole I think.

My DD is 40 and has chronic pain issues from 2 autoimmune diseases. Diagnosed with both by age 35.
She's always said it makes her feel older than she is although now she's 40, she is approaching older age.

I think our adult children are reluctant to see us aging, they always want you to be mum and dad, sorters of problems, hosts of Christmas and birthdays, shoulder to cry on, ready to step up and help in any situation.
I sometimes wonder when it’ll be our turn to sit back and be waited on, but I actually don’t think I’ll like it, I’m too used to being in charge.

NannySue45

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

On the rare occasion that my daughter comes to my house it’s as if she can’t wait to leave. I just feel that I must be terribly boring . Having said that I think your daughters comment was meant to be lighthearted with no intent to hurt you..

Well, of course they don't, they haven't a clue until they experience it themselves. One can sympathise but not empathise.

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

Because the young have no space for rudeness stubbornness or perceived ungratefulness

Me neither?

lafergar I do hope I haven't come across as rude or unpleasant because I would never want that, but, my lovely, to me you ARE still young. Please don't waste the many years you still have by being stoic & not talking/telling your AC how you feel. They will probably be horrified to know how you really feel & be more empathetic than you think. Please give it a try.

Boomerang is a daft term for AC who return home. It is becoming common as rental properites are sold off and people can't afford to buy.

Gosh, there are some incredibly rude and unpleasant replies here. But also some very helpful and kind ones, Thanks

How interesting these replies are . At 50 I had a functional stroke. I get exactly what you are saying op .
You want a bit of help without asking for it . You want to go out but need a bit of extra support, you may need to do the jobs your AC suggested but with chronic pain I doubt you have the energy to tackle these alone . You maybe would like a little help maybe doing it over a chat and a cuppa.
Chronic pain is tiring and often depressive ( not you have depression but gives you low mood from frustration etc)
Ultimately though people do not understand the subliminal message unless you shove it in their faces and say I need this, that, the other, support, nice calm outings in company I trust, then I’m afraid my experience is nothing gets better.
If they offer advice, answer how do “we” move forward/approach that then ?
What should we do to get the ball rolling to help me then?
My other advice is try to be be upbeat if you go out , show an interest in them ( you probably won’t get it back). Be grateful. Because the young have no space for rudeness stubbornness or perceived ungratefulness.

Hope this helps .

Madmeg I hadnt heard of that company and didnt know such a bath conversion was possible. Very interesting. Thanks for posting the link

For anyone interested, here's a link to the bathtub conversion we had done last year. Costing less than £500 it has revolutionised our lives. The firm did it in a few hours, about a week after we enquired. No plumbing work needed, new shower screen (old one was broken) and a wall handrail.

convertabath.co.uk/

lafergar

Some interesting ideas. How can anybody "get anything" they haven't lived? By being empathetic.

By taking time, by having some imagination and care.

As I explained rosie I am severely hampered by chronic pain caused by medical negligence. I prefer not to bother AC with this.

This is so contradictive, you don't want to bother your AC but you want them to show you care, how can they when they do not know what your situation is really like!!!

I think sometime the responses on here may seem harsh but in general they are meant to either help or ask for a more complete picture of the problem.
Like others have said if you keep your ills, pain and problems to yourself then how can your child be expected to know how you really feel? I know that I had no idea how it felt to be old until I reached that stage myself and don't expect my children to feel differently. If having your child living with you is causing you problems then you need to sit down and explain this to them and you may be very pleasantly surprised about the help you get in return.