Adult children don't seem to get old age!

Oh, don't we all wish that, Luckygirl? But it may well not work like that for many of us. We might THINK we are invincible cos our minds are still A1, but it is a fact that our bodies are wearing out, however fit we try to keep ourselves. Accidents can happen, viruses come along, cancer is more prevalent, and then old age comes along and bites you on the bum!

But yes, OP, talk to your family of course, but research ways in which you can make life easier for yourself with equipment and aids. Number one for me would be a walk-in-shower and a second handrail on the stairs.

I'm with you there. I'm nearly 70, have many autoimmune conditions and I get tired. I have 2 grandchildren that I adore but I sure can't do what I used to. However I've always been pretty active but, now all I seem to do is care for others. There doesn't seem to be much fun in life. I usually just long to be home alone....partly to escape others needs.

I'm just too busy to get old...I'll just drop one day and everyone will think I was fine the day before...and wonder what happened...?

I think that is what all of us want keepingquiet - sadly it is not working out that way for me nor for many on this site. I am petering out slowly, painfully and miserably. It is not something over which I have any choice. Would that I had.

Allira

Norah

What is a boomerang AC? Please explain.

A boomerang keeps coming back.

Returning to live at home periodically.

Thank you. Now I understand. All of ours returned for a bit, after graduation, awaiting jobs or weddings. One after death of her husband.

Norah

What is a boomerang AC? Please explain.

A boomerang keeps coming back.

Returning to live at home periodically.

Lafergar
I can see why your children are struggling to understand, so am I. Are you saying you are getting old approaching 70? That’s really not old nowadays. Are you in constant pain that is making you feel older than you are? Have you spoken to your GP and your children about this? People can’t mind read and mostly you have to help yourself in the first place. Talk to your children and tell them how you feel.

What is a boomerang AC? Please explain.

lafergar, you need to explain it to them in a way they will understand, no need to go into the whys and hows, just explain WHAT you have difficulty with now. My DH's health (and mobility) has been steadily declining for years, but your children won't notice the subtle changes unless you tell them. My DH has always taken great pleasure in gardening, but now just half an hour mowing is way too much for him, so we had to adapt, to make it easier to manage, and to find an alternative way of doing things, for example, our grandson does the heavy digging when the ground has compacted, then I do the weeding, then DH can plant new things, or just potter around pruning etc. Our grandson also does the mowing for us, once it was explained to him how it takes days for us to recover from such exertion.

Why post then? I am olderthan you and I have a bomerang daughter (37) divorced, hone, now out on her own again. I've had 2 heart attacks,stroke due to procedure,arthritis and diabetic! I count myself lucky that I lead a pretty full life,including watching my 3 year old non verbal autistic grandaughter. It's not easy getting old and in my head I'm still 20! My daughters help when needed. Life is too short and I will not give in to age..70 at end of year.. Talk to your kids..

•lafergar* I know you must be in great pain but you say you're approaching 70 which must mean you're in your 60s. To me, at nearly 86, this means late middle age! No wonder your AC don't get it, especially as you say you're independent and "talk the talk" whatever that means". Just stop bottling everything up and tell them how you feel - as everyone on here is advising you to. You are obviously coming across to them as competent and coping - and still young! Time to let your guard down if that's what you want. Your AC aren't mindreaders ....

Please.......don't join things, I've tried endlessly and got nowhere, as for the AC., my Daughter is 60 and she really does'nt get me at all, my Son is better, at least he does'nt talk to me as if I were about 5. We have to be so strong to be on our own, but please, do not join things. The life is sucked put of you. All the best.

Hi

Trying to understand the issues, what boomeranged back temporarily means, living back with you ?

But all this advice assumes that your AC live within reach of your home and have no issues of their own. Our younger DD is 200 miles away, the elder "only" 30 but she has two pre-teens and severe fibromyalgiaand and cannot risk driving this far (apart from having a full-time job as chief breadwinner). Her DH has elderly parents nearby who are very demanding (even though physically quite well) and unreasonably will not pay for help despite having lived all their lives in the area and have an army of close friends and relatives. His DM is a driver but says she doesn't like driving, so won't do any!

We also live in a rural area devoid of odd-jobbers, cleaners, gardeners etc even at sky-high prices and long waits. So we struggle on alone, except it is now mostly me as DH is becoming more disabled with peripheral neuropathy at nearly 79.

Talking to our DDs garners lots of sympathy and understanding but they simply aren't able to help. They only visit use a couple of times a year so don't see how we are day-to-day.

I have no idea what we will do when it all gets worse (which it is doing almost daily).

petra

Doodledog
You obviously ^get it^

Indeed. Doodledog does 'get it' and expresses 'it' well.

I didn't tell my adult children when I had a cancer scare, until I had the all clear. When I said I hadn't wanted to worry them, my son told me off and said he was 42, not a child, and would have wanted to support me. Of course he was quite right. I looked after all 4 of our parents in their old age, although mine were independent until their mi eighties. I am only 69, and fit and well, but it's good to know they want to help when necessary.
I suppose what I am saying is you need to give them the chance to step up by explaining things to them.

Doodledog
You obviously get it

I find 2 of my 4 children seem to understand that I'm no longer as spry as I used to be. They are the ones I see less often who live further away. The 2 that live closer don't notice changes so easily.

Elegran

lafergar

Is life really this black and white? Giving up or being super busy?

I don't think so.

No, the reality is that you do what you can (and want to)

There isn't a standard by which every older person can be measured. Some can cycle miles, others have difficulty walking to the car. There is probably a list somewhere with the average capabilities of someone of 60, 70, 80, 90 or whatever age they are admitting to this year. However, you have to remember that to get an average you have to include the extremes at either end of the spectrum.

I think as we get older we all have to do some triage - what are we still perfectly capable of, what is possible with a bit of help, and what is definitely out or best left to someone else.

There isn't a standard by which every older person can be measured

Very true! A friend of DH's visited us this morning. He said he woke up yesterday, it was raining and he wondered what to do with himself so he decided to start decorating his bedroom. He was taking himself off for a pub lunch after he'd visited us. He cooks, bakes, goes dancing, belongs to clubs. He's 90.
We can't all feel like that and not that many people reach 90 anyway but he did say he thought he was lucky to have good genes.

I think being in chronic pain and losing a lot of mobility is a lot on a persons plate. I believe that makes it even harder to ask for assistance because we already feel that any ask would be too much and we don’t feel very good about ourselves to start with I think that’s quite possible. However I think once we sit down with our adult children and say this is what I need that is the start. It doesn’t mean that we will get exactly what we need but it certainly puts minds to rest about what to expect.

I think in general humans find it difficult to ask for help I know I do and I try to do everything myself but at times I need assistance. I’ll do my best to try and make any help that I might need fit in with my adult daughter schedule. Doesn’t always work but at least we’re on the same page so to speak.

I yeah sorry but where you’re at in your life right now however I am a very positive person and believe that with good communication perhaps you can feel more valued-feeling valued in our lives is very important I believe! I wish you good luck and all the very best!

lafergar

Is life really this black and white? Giving up or being super busy?

I don't think so.

No, the reality is that you do what you can (and want to)

There isn't a standard by which every older person can be measured. Some can cycle miles, others have difficulty walking to the car. There is probably a list somewhere with the average capabilities of someone of 60, 70, 80, 90 or whatever age they are admitting to this year. However, you have to remember that to get an average you have to include the extremes at either end of the spectrum.

I think as we get older we all have to do some triage - what are we still perfectly capable of, what is possible with a bit of help, and what is definitely out or best left to someone else.

To a degree I don’t think AC do get older age. And to a degree we probably unwittingly protect them from that by not divulging too much. Now there is no hiding place so to speak, when one of them is back living with you. Painful as it will be, perhaps let them see how things really are for you, open up a little to them. I imagine you’re both having a hard time..maybe there will be some common ground….good luck.

Our DD would do anything to help us if we asked, when I underwent a cancer operation, she came and stayed with DH and was there for us all the way. We obviously didn't have to ask then but now we can manage most things she thinks we are fine but I know that I would have to be honest with her and tell her if we were struggling. I think we all want to be independent but sometimes have to give in to needing some help as we get older.

Retroladywriting

Chronic pain is very demoralising so I can understand why you feel depressed and why you are on here seeking a bit of understanding.
I think your daughter's suggestion, although you can't afford it, may be because she's one of those people who like to solve problems, rather than to sympathise. My husband is the same, when sometimes I just want a bit of sympathy rather than someone to jump in with solutions.
Having said that, perhaps a visit to your GP might help. There are sometimes pain clinics where people can be helped to deal with chronic pain.
Good luck. I hope things look more positive soon.

As a problem solver, I'm quite careful to keep my solutions to myself. I'd imagine your daughter's suggestion was meant kindly. Perhaps re-think?

You keep dismissing comments that say this, but really it’s the only way forward

Thanks, I don't think I've dismissed have I? Its so helpful when people share their thoughts.

Thanks

Chronic pain is very demoralising so I can understand why you feel depressed and why you are on here seeking a bit of understanding.
I think your daughter's suggestion, although you can't afford it, may be because she's one of those people who like to solve problems, rather than to sympathise. My husband is the same, when sometimes I just want a bit of sympathy rather than someone to jump in with solutions.
Having said that, perhaps a visit to your GP might help. There are sometimes pain clinics where people can be helped to deal with chronic pain.
Good luck. I hope things look more positive soon.