Adult children don't seem to get old age!

My children, my daughter especially, tell me I don’t look or act “old”.
Until this year, I haven’t felt old, but I do now, ( well, older anyway, and some days, about ten years older than I did last year) so I have told them so, in clear terms of what I can no longer do. So they know - and help, as requested, and I appreciate that.

Lafergar : You need to tell them how you are feeling and what help you need.

It’s all to come for them, they look at things practically. I keep being told I should downsize as my house would not be suitable if I were housebound and it most definitely wouldn't. I just can’t face the hassle.. my father did it way before he was my age and I helped him but he did listen to me.

I'm an independent type and talk the talk

Perhaps that's it - you carry on regardless so they don't know how you really feel.

Are you asking for rent from the Boomerang Kid? If not, perhaps they would clean, shop in lieu of rent. That's what we're doing at the moment.

janeainsworth

Lafergar If you’re talking to me, my name’s Jane and you have no idea what my life is like.

Of course. Have a pleasant evening jane.

I have widespread (blooming painful) arthritis and fibromyalgia and I’m “only” 66, my younger AC (we have two in their 40’s living in their own homes, then 3 + 1 partner still living with us, all in their 20’s)

Those living away from home are very understanding but not here, those living at home are blooming awful!

Lafergar If you’re talking to me, my name’s Jane and you have no idea what my life is like.

lafergar
Don't be too disheartened by some of the more brusque replies.

Some people do find it hard to speak to their children about needing more help as they get older. Perhaps if you could try they may understand more.

lafegar 16.23 ^Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?*

M0nica 16.31 I am not jumping on you, but rather suggesting that.......

Much as I can't be bothered Jean I am not "blaming" Monica which would be just plain silly.

As you wish, hopefully no turbulent times, chronic pain and challenges coming into your little world.

Lafergar
Monica, I believe used the phrase " jumped on".

Don’t blame M0nica.
You used it first when you said Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

Our children have the help of their parents when they’re younger and vulnerable, as we may need their help as we age.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for specific assistance or setting expectations, it isn’t being needy, it’s being honest and any child worth their salt would be happy to ease your life.

Try asking, in a factual, gentle manner, you may be surprised.

Witzend

Are they expecting you to do all sorts of things you don’t feel up to? Are they expecting you to manage all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry, etc.? If so, you must make it clear that if they choose to live back home with you, then they absolutely must do their share.

Unfortuately I have fallen back into Mum role. But washing goes to the local lauderette.

Are they expecting you to do all sorts of things you don’t feel up to? Are they expecting you to manage all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry, etc.? If so, you must make it clear that if they choose to live back home with you, then they absolutely must do their share.

RosieandherMaw

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

My jumping days are long gone alas!

But if you don’t tell your AC how you feeling how are they meant to intuit it’?

It seems many of us, me included don’t want to appear/act/dress as elderly and doddery as eg our grandparents at our age, if indeed they made it much beyond 70, but are surprised the younger generation don’t recognise our advancing years.

Yes Maw nobody wants to appear needy and frail do they!

Grammaretto

You have to share your worries with your children. It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers.

Roles do reverse as we age. I tried to explain that in my first reply but you didn't respond Lafergar.

Let them help you. Don't suffer in silence.

I admire you from afar Grammaretto

MayBee70

It’s exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. I tried to explain to my daughter the other day that I was getting to be rather housebound and her reply, in a matter of fact way ( which was correct and to the point) was that I needed to think about getting a walk in shower ( which I can’t really afford) and that I needed to declutter my house because ‘if you’re housebound you need to be in a pleasant environment’. Again, perfectly true. I guess I wanted something more caring, but, at the same time didn’t want to be regarded as a doddery old woman.

I can get where your daughter is coming from with her suggestions.

As my parents got older they were still in their 1970's house - which they hadnt done that much to over the years (even though they were in it until 2020 - when they both died from their own illnesses). So it was 1970s bathroom set-up still - not even a shower attachment off the bath - never mind a shower. I tried to persuade them to have the bath ripped-out and replaced by a shower and they refused. It then had to get done as an emergency thing when my mother had a (failed as it turned out) hip replacement. It was only fortunate that they lived in a part of the country where tradespeople are of the reliable and reasonable standard nature - and so they didn't have to wait long before that job had been done.

But it's best to try and find a way to get it sorted asap - and especially so if one lives in an area where tradespeople are notoriously unreliable (as I do now for instance) - as it could take months in my current area to get something like that done (whereas they got it done in a couple of weeks in their area).

I'm only too glad that I emigrated to Denmark in the 1970s myself - though, as we can see, I came back again.....

So I'd already gotten used to the idea of having a shower, rather than a bath whilst in Denmark and was busily making sure that's what I've had in starter house in the 1980s and now in current house. Even in that earlier house and whilst I think British people still werent having showers as the norm and, if they did, it was those little tiny ones = I was having the bath ripped-out and replaced with a modern size shower (ie big enough for 2). Believe me - they make a world of difference...and, if you can handle it mentally, then it's probably a good idea to have one of those modern-style wooden seats fixed to the wall (errrm...speaking as someone that hasn't done that myself and not planning on it....but if you're prepared to have one of them = I can see they make sense in some ways).

Decluttering also makes sense - if you can bring yourself to do it. In my early 70's now and it's taken me decades longer than expected to "get everything in the first place" - but I'm starting to "refine things down" a bit and remove some of the "temporary fix possessions" I got whilst I was waiting for the ones I'd decided on in the first place etc..and it would make your house easier to run.

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

My jumping days are long gone alas!

But if you don’t tell your AC how you feeling how are they meant to intuit it’?

It seems many of us, me included don’t want to appear/act/dress as elderly and doddery as eg our grandparents at our age, if indeed they made it much beyond 70, but are surprised the younger generation don’t recognise our advancing years.

Monica, I believe used the phrase " jumped on".

empathy
/ˈɛmpəθi/
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

You have to share your worries with your children. It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers.

Roles do reverse as we age. I tried to explain that in my first reply but you didn't respond Lafergar.

Let them help you. Don't suffer in silence.

We can't really expect those younger than ourselves to "get old age" they don't have aches and pains, feel constantly tired, no longer can spring clean the whole house in the course of two days, or whatever else we are bothered by.

Nor are they mind-readers,

So sit them down and explain exactly what your situation is, what you would like help with, or concern expressed for.

lafergar I'm sorry you are in pain . I have hip arthritis which is painful and I have told my ACs. As they know I have difficulties they respond and help as much as they can
I think you should be open about your pain with your ACs and may find as I did that they will show empathy. 💐

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

Nobody has ‘jumped’ on you OP.
How did you want/expect people to respond? You said that your AC don’t ‘get’ old age, but you don’t want to bother them with your troubles. Unless they are medically qualified and/ or have some peculiar insight, I think you’re expecting a bit too much from them.
‘Shy bairns get nowt.’
The same applies to old people.
Ask them to do things for you if you need them to help you.

I'm not sure our daughters 'get' my 4 miscarriages, 2 TKR, and other ills. However, I knew my Mum and grandparents were devastated by all male pilots in our family being killed in the war.

I was told a bit and felt their sadness. Perhaps talk a bit of your pain?

You are in chronic pain but do not bother your children with this No wonder they do not respond with sympathy.

I am very doubtful about empathy. the phrase about 'walking in someone's shoes'. Everyone's feet are a different size and shape and walking in someone elses shoes would be very uncomfortable, but for reasons that relate only to the person wearing shoes that are ill fitting

OK, as you wish, have a nice day.