Adult children don't seem to get old age!

My sympathy Infergar. Constant pain is debilitating and we feel sensitive when we're feeling low even the smallest things can get you down. The thing is, if we've always been the confident, capable Mum, we're suddenly not who they thought we were.

My daughter could see and hear the pain and distress I was going through, but her voice had an edge to it which hurt at the time. but I now recognise as fear. Looking back after a few weeks, I know she was afraid. She could see her mother losing it! She left her home and came and cared for me, working from here as she does at home. She hugged me as I wept, but got cross when I said I wasn't hungry or when I forgot to take my meds. She thought I wasn't trying to get better. She didn't want to see her Mum as weak and incapable of taking care of herself.

I was afraid, and being tough was her way of coping. All is calm now. I am well and she has gone home. I know she loves me beyond all measure, and I have put the times I thought she was being harsh with me down to her fears.

Take good care of yourself. Have a chat with your children and tell them how things have changed for you. Get the help you need for your pain. Wishing you well.

lafergar

OK, as you wish, have a nice day.

Dismissive and ungrateful! You’ll get no sympathy/help if you treat people like that. Frankly, I am finding you to be a bit unpleasant.

lafergar

Much as I can't be bothered Jean I am not "blaming" Monica which would be just plain silly.

As you wish, hopefully no turbulent times, chronic pain and challenges coming into your little world.

Being so touchy helps no-one, least of all you! People are trying to help but all you want to do is shout them down. You’ll get nowhere that way!

You come across as rather bitter and twisted. Monica tried to advise, but you shot her down in flames.
I don’t see what your operations etc have to do with anything, unless you were wanting sympathy.
If you want help and sympathy from your children, you need to tell them what’s going on with you, and you need to ask for the help you need. I am assuming they are not mind-readers? Nobody likes a martyr, so please don’t be one!

Thus is what I asked 'why' about.
Beware the Keyboard Warriors, lafergar, Keyboard Cowards actually

Who are the keyboard warriors and what is the evidence they are cowards.?

Because I am a human being with feelings and it hurts?

No worries Monica.

windmill1

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

Beware the Keyboard Warriors, lafergar, Keyboard Cowards actually.......

Why?

WinterSunshine Sun 08-Jun-25 16:44:21
"I think we have two types of reader. The ones who understand the need for a friendly ear and a word of comfort and the ones who analyse the problem and try to present both sides of the picture."
Aren't all posters offering "a friendly ear?" It's to be hoped that even the ones who are perhaps a bit more analytical in their approach and who offer their own insights and experiences, can bring some comfort and understanding to Iafergar.

WinterSunshine

I think we have two types of reader. The ones who understand the need for a friendly ear and a word of comfort and the ones who analyse the problem and try to present both sides of the picture.

Indeed. There are surely different types of posters.

Many answer a question asked using logic and the facts in the OP. Many, of course, answer using their own notions of right and wrong.

Sssd

I dont get whats so hard about showing some empathy and caring to your mum as she gets older. You don't have to be 80 to imagine how difficult it is. Sadly my other siblings never made the effort, so i know exactly what you mean op.

Excuse the shouting but THANK YOU

I dont get whats so hard about showing some empathy and caring to your mum as she gets older. You don't have to be 80 to imagine how difficult it is. Sadly my other siblings never made the effort, so i know exactly what you mean op.

I think we have two types of reader. The ones who understand the need for a friendly ear and a word of comfort and the ones who analyse the problem and try to present both sides of the picture.

My adult children live in different parts of the country and we don't see each other day to day. When we do meet up, it tends to be more of an "occasion" and I suppose I present my best self, because I want our precious time together to be good and memorable.
I'd say they don't get how my life has slowed down since I stopped working full-time to care, and am not hugely busy anymore. They don't get how I'm not as sharp mentally, I tire more quickly and sometimes have aches and pains for no specific reason. They seem to prefer a younger version of me, if she ever existed, who was more "cool" and engaged with life in general, and who had more of life's opportunities.
If one AC has moved back with you temporarily, maybe he/she hasn't seen how you and your life have changed as you've got older. You say your other AC is busy with their own life.
You know, I think sometimes they don't want to see it. Thinking back to my own parents, it was painful to see them age and develop health problems. I'm glad they didn't hide them from me though.
Perhaps generally in life, different generations don't mix as much as they did in the past, which would account for some of the lack of understanding.

lafergar

Thanks Allira, I'm waiting for an appointment. 6 weeks wait for bloods.

😯

The wait for GP appointments here is 6-8 weeks (if you can get past the receptionist ).

We do have a phlobotemist locally and an appointment with a nurse at the surgery is fairly quick too.

Thanks Allira, I'm waiting for an appointment. 6 weeks wait for bloods.

lafergar

Some great responses thanks. And some smug and harsh ones too.

On the home front, I have made a start being a bit more assertive and it's paying off already.
I just felt so damn tired and weary last week, so thanks to those who shared their ideas.

Have you had Covid or a virus?
Are you suffering from Long Covid or post-viral fatigue?

Perhaps go to your GP and ask for a full blood test, you could be lacking some vitamins, minerals.

Some great responses thanks. And some smug and harsh ones too.

On the home front, I have made a start being a bit more assertive and it's paying off already.
I just felt so damn tired and weary last week, so thanks to those who shared their ideas.

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

Beware the Keyboard Warriors, lafergar, Keyboard Cowards actually.......

But even when we have a listening ear, it does not follow that we will agree with everything we are told, and surely the role of a kind and trusted friend is to tell someone when they are part of the problem, and why.

The other thing is that threads wander, isn't that what threads always do, under the settee, then the cat grabs them, and a lot of posts are not responding to the first post but items brought up further down the thread.

M0nica

With all these things we are only hearing one side of the story.

Yes.

What shocks me is that so many people seem to feel their offspring don't treat them with sufficient respect and consideration. Or sympathy. Or understanding. Who taught them their manners?

Oh that's helpful, I don't think. Along with Monica's comments.

Sometimes, in the absence of a listening ear in the real world, we may rattle something off in the hope of being heard, of being ackowledged and heard.

With all these things we are only hearing one side of the story.

I think far too many people, not just old people spend far too much time taking offence at other people's comments.

Hear, hear!

Also, why don't people want to be thought "doddery" or old if they actually are either of those things? It's not a sin to be doddery or old. I work among old people (even older than me I should say). Some of them are extremely doddery but it doesn't mean they are worthy of any less respect and consideration.

What shocks me is that so many people seem to feel their offspring don't treat them with sufficient respect and consideration. Or sympathy. Or understanding. Who taught them their manners?

Sleepyhead52

MayBee70

NannySue45

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

On the rare occasion that my daughter comes to my house it’s as if she can’t wait to leave. I just feel that I must be terribly boring . Having said that I think your daughters comment was meant to be lighthearted with no intent to hurt you..

Honestly! Whether she meant to hurt or not, she did. Someone needs to teach her some manners and consideration! Your comment was the only one in this thread to actually make me gasp in shock.

I think far too many people, not just old people spend far too much time taking offence at other people's comments.

I always assume that any comment is made on the spur of the moment and the speaker hasn't realise dhow the cmment was taken.

It also makes for a much more relaxed and happy life because you do not waste time stewing about remarks, where you might have misheard the words, or misjudged the tone - and even if it was meant nastily, if you do not react or watse time bothering about it. It makes the remark a total waste of time, because you neither give it any time at the time and certainy did not waste time on it later.

My kids get it. Don't know why but they do. Perhaps it was seeing their grandparents in very old age.

I'm also wondering if the concept of empathy needs to be taught to some people. I do think some people are more naturally empathic than others.

At the same time, I think empathy is over-rated*. Sympathy is different but an adult child can't be sympathetic about something they know nothing about.

*Against Empathy by Paul Bloom is a thought-provoking read.