Friend Short Tempered

When your friend bought her bungalow, perhaps at that time, she did not realise that since covid, the cost of home renovation has gone through the roof due to large increases in material prices and labour shortages.

We wanted to replace the paving slabs in our back patio and the quotes I received are higher than the cost of our new roof.

That mounting costs could well be the reason she gets very angry when she talks about the latest renovations to her bungalow, more so since her bungalow has not been updated for 30 years.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPtIHwbguO4

Mojack26

Just agree with her and make sympathetic noises and things like ''I know' ...nothing much else you can do...sorry

I had to laugh, 'I know' reminded me of this clip from Fawlty Towers.

youtu.be/NPtIHwbguO4

As the proverb says, least said soonest mended.

CariadAgain

Wyllow3

eazybee

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Oh easybee - how sad - how one person can as it were lead the group into the dark side of what ails us, instead of "how we are coping supportive" side".

I'm not sure you can do anything unless you have the strength and desire to try and turn it round.

Unless you make a communal agreement of "10 minutes per person re ailments - and then we'll get onto something else"?

My mum was very into 'don't moan, chin up".

It went far too far in that direction really, as we didn't really have a listening ear enough especially in the difficult teenage years, but it's stood me in good stead now. Bless, she never moaned.

I think 30 minutes of other peoples' ailments would make me wish for the company of my spaniel or a good book. 3 minutes per person maximum - if all they talk about is their ailments, eventually they'll end up having nothing else they CAN talk about.

Wyllow3

eazybee

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Oh easybee - how sad - how one person can as it were lead the group into the dark side of what ails us, instead of "how we are coping supportive" side".

I'm not sure you can do anything unless you have the strength and desire to try and turn it round.

Unless you make a communal agreement of "10 minutes per person re ailments - and then we'll get onto something else"?

eazybee

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Oh easybee - how sad - how one person can as it were lead the group into the dark side of what ails us, instead of "how we are coping supportive" side".

I'm not sure you can do anything unless you have the strength and desire to try and turn it round.

Wyllow3

Doodledog

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Fair enough if you want to put your own needs before those of your friend; but if you want to be supportive (as the OP does) then that’s not going to help at all.

There is the saying, If you are in a plane, then put your own oxygen mask on before you help another x

That's true, but at the same time, someone wanting to help wouldn't risk alienating their friend by dictating the allowed topics of conversation.

I understand that it can be tedious when someone has a perennial topic of conversation - particularly when it is gloomy - but there has been a lot of suggestions about how to deal with it which are likely to preserve, rather than destroy the friendship.

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Doodledog

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Fair enough if you want to put your own needs before those of your friend; but if you want to be supportive (as the OP does) then that’s not going to help at all.

There is the saying, If you are in a plane, then put your own oxygen mask on before you help another x

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

I would feel very offended and upset if my friend of 40 years said that to me ….” I’m happy to meet you for coffee but please don’t talk about your latest goings on “ ….how awful a friend is that . Good friends are supposed to be there for each other , through thick & thin , be supportive, have our backs at all times . Having a friend who is “ selective” in contents of conversation isn’t a good friend at all .

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Fair enough if you want to put your own needs before those of your friend; but if you want to be supportive (as the OP does) then that’s not going to help at all.

AGAA4

When I did a counselling course many years ago I was taught never to give advice unless asked for.
People sometimes just want their feelings validated so using a kind of echoing of what they are saying.
"Yes I can see why that is getting you down" or "you are saying that's annoying. I can understand why".
So it's almost repeating what they have said and they feel you understand.

Very much this. I'm a trained psychotherapist and both used it and been in therapy. This, every time, unless a person asks, and even then, handle with caution, as its always best for a person to make up their own minds unless you feel they are doing something that will do them harm.

I had a very good (almost lifelong) friend who sadly died two years ago, but she was of the kind that always agreed with me if I needed to have a rant, and whilst it annoyed me a little at the time I realise it was probably the most diplomatic approach. If she DID ever offer a possible solution it was always worth me considering.

OTOH, I have a relatively recent friend who foolishly (she now realises) decided to sell her lovely flat and move in with her beloved sister. Sadly, the sister turned out to be totally incompatible in her way of life compared to my friend and two years later she is desperate to move back to where she used to live. Unfortunately the only properties she can now afford are in dire need of repair and updating (and my friend is a very tidy, modern lady despite being 78) but thankfully her son has undertaken to find people to do the work for a fair price and is going to oversee the lot for her. It's a pity the OP's son isn't of the same ilk.

However, in my own area finding reliable tradesmen who are not fully booked up for months ahead is nigh on impossible. I've been trying to find both a cleaner and a gardener for about five years, and the decorating will likely have to remain till I sell the house and new people move in!

Elowen33

Sometimes people just want to have a rant, they dont want advice or sympathy just someone to nod and agree.

This!

I’m pretty laid back and have always got on with things , but I know a lady who is very much as you describe . Everything is such a faff to her and she gets herself in such a state . She is a relative of my DIL so I can avoid her but she is her own worst enemy.

When I did a counselling course many years ago I was taught never to give advice unless asked for.
People sometimes just want their feelings validated so using a kind of echoing of what they are saying.
"Yes I can see why that is getting you down" or "you are saying that's annoying. I can understand why".
So it's almost repeating what they have said and they feel you understand.

Your friend is unloading all her pent up feelings of frustration with her home, and the early realisation that she has made a huge mistake. Possibly she is worrying about the mounting costs. It must be a relief for her to have you to listen, although it is rather an ordeal for you if she is getting snappy, but it sounds as if her anger is with the situation she finds herself in and not you. Where are her family in this unhappy situation?

It could be that the physical move to be nearer her son hasn’t panned out Quite as she planned, maybe it’s not as emotionally close as she envisaged ?
And she’s too proud to admit it and this is being channeled into her frustration with the building work
I would just offer sympathetic noises and concentrate on outings to the cinema /theatre where conversation can be at a minimum

Seems like she needs to talk things through. Sometimes it's easier to find a solution by talking. If you can listen for a while. Just offer a few words of sympathy and then move the conversation on, as you already do, maybe she will calm down a bit.

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Just listen and listen more until she stops. Probably a bit of silence then just a general comment like "you have your work cut out" not giving an opinion on anything to do with the house. No doubt she is angry with herself for ending up in the situation and just doesn't want to admit so. No one will be able to resolve issues as she seems to have a strong will. Just take any opportunity to distract her in conversations but of course unless willing to you will be accused of not being interested/helpful.

Perhaps offer no advice, listen, nod, be polite and kind.

Never too much kindness, slather it all over as peanut butter on bread.